My Story

[25yearsmlc]

Chase,

I'll look into your whole thread this weekend. Just wanted to let you know that

1) Not all women who want to leave, are having actual physical affairs,


2) for those having affairs, AND USUALLY for those NOT having affairs, there have usually been complaints or needs that have gone unnoticed by their h's or unheeded,

or just b/c the h's are human -like all of us - were the h's became careless with their marriage;

3) depression and illness (and I hate saying this but yes, menopause) and unresolved crap from the past may all need addressing, regardless of any OM or zero OM.


4) for those who are having physical affairs, it's not always fatal despite what you may hear/read or how someone else feels.

Saying "once a cheater, always a cheater " is like saying no alcoholics ever quit drinking. People can and do change.

Are you really the same man you were 15 years ago? Are you going to remain as you are today, in 20?


She's done a lot of thorough research (and no, she's not in favor of it!)


But it's remarkably insightful and objective.

Hang in there.

[25yearsmlc]

Catching up with your thread. Sorry if you have answered and I miss it

Just started reading DR and have a coaching session scheduled for Wednesday. My WAS left 5 months ago. She had told me before she was unhappy but I didn't think we really had any problems because we liked hanging out, had a lot in common and didn't really fight.

By the time I realized we had a connection problem about 1.5 years ago she had built up a wall and nothing I did was helping. We tried MC and then she told me I needed to do my own counseling since my communication, not putting her first and mom issues were the main problem.

Okay so you did have warning signs. (IMO, That's good news, mostly.)

What did YOU think was the "Connection" problem? Other than MC, what did You try to do to help?
Also what would your w say You needed IC for?

What "Mom issue" is she referring to?




I have done about 3 months of another program where they advocate no space, calling every day and giving gifts once a week. I really like the program and think it probably works for some people esp. for situations where both partners want to work on things.
My spouse's wall is still so thick my efforts are just crashing into it and bouncing to the ground. Yesterday when picking up our daughter, I gave a cool gift and she just snorted and shook her head.

what did you like about it? Do you agree that it's not working? Did it make you feel that at least you were doing something?

My own experience is that it's best to use one approach at one time rather than mixing conflicting ones...just b/c it's sort of doing a disservice to both approaches

but I understand the feeling of wanting to DO something.


Later she sent an email saying my gifts were not being well received 'right now' and she feels bad but its apparent we both want different things. She is happy being on her own. She is going to talk to someone about 'what it looks like to make it more permanent. And sorry about the email its just hard to talk to you in person since communication was always a problem.

Do you tend to get emotional when you two approach hard topics? How does it tend to flow?


Then she tells my best friend to check in on me because she is worried about my reaction. My friend asks if she wants a divorce but she says she wants to look at mediation...

I am struggling with should I let go of the other model and try to back off and do a 180?

TO me, of course you should stop a model that is clearly not working. Are there pieces to this that are missing? Some mixed signals we can't see?


I haven't responded to her email, she texted about mid day about my game yesterday and something to do with daycare for our daughter. I didn't respond, she called in the evening but I was in IC. She didn't leave a message.

Any advice on if I should respond before I have my coaching session on Wednesday?

Wait to talk to your DB coach and I defer to their advice.

But please make a choice - either use X approach or Y approach.

Often these approaches conflict and undermine the other.

Plus, the issues your w raised 18 months ago need addressing.

( Are her concerns which she has had awhile, being addressed - or is this all about your w and whether she's having an affair?)

Are you in IC? What's up with the mom issue and what bothered your w about it?

I don't know any WASs who return to the marriage they left,

UNLESS they believe the marriage can be different/better than before.

so To put it simply,

how would marriage to you today, be different or better than before?

Sounds really unfair but the reality is that it's up to the LBSer to show that the m can improve. And this is good news! You are not powerless!

I know you are in pain and it stinks.

You may ask , but Why should You work to prove the m can be better when she left?

Because your w is not here working to save the marriage, you are.

Keep on keeping on and keep on posting.

[25yearsmlc]

ps

anytime a poster has a DB coach, imo, it's crucial you give the DB coach all the information (and you don't take polls to see if others agree with the Coach's advice.)

The coaches are the experts in THIS approach and in ways to implement it.

I got valuable insights from my DB coach (a Godsend to me) and it was very specific to my situation, without a one size fits all approach.


In hindsight, I wish I had continued the coaching after the recon b/c our mistake was in not piecing well at all as if recon was the "Victory" in itself.

(**MIL got cancer right after we reconciled, so we tabled the piecing part -and then never really got to the underlying issues that would allow h to leave our family for his own ends...)

However, it's due to the DB coaching and my GAL/Detachment (which the DB coach helped with anyhow)

that a recon happened at all.

Still, the most important part of all of this approach was about how we have to own our own choices -GAL and bring something to the marital table other than our demands for needs

and not make someone else responsible for our happiness -

nor can we keep doing what does Not work in our marriage,

even when we think we are "right". If it's not working, I doubt it can be right but

that's when you ask if you want to be right or happy.

[Chase20]

Thanks for all the responses. I will answer soon when I have more time. I have my D most of the weekend.

Update - since backing off the pursuit - W has initiated phone calls everyday; yesterday I figured ok, she is finally getting what she wants for me to back off and give her space. We have communicated everyday in some way over the 5 month separation and I was pretty sure yesterday was going to be the first with no contact. She called at 7:45 on Friday night - to talk about our plan for Saturday night, she is picking up our D for the night.

The schedule was already set for her to pick up at 7. She wanted to know our plans for today (I usually invite her to come along on our Sat. plans) I was vague and didn't invite her.

We planned for her to come over at 7 to pick up D (shocking, no change to our original plan). We talked just for a few minutes I kept it brief but made her laugh and then I cut off the conversation.

[Chase20]

mom issue: She thinks I go to my mom for everything, we have a close relationship. I have heard that feedback and was working on it but probably not as fast as she would have liked.
My dad was verbally/emotionally abusive mom, brother and I growing up so I always felt protective of them. My mom's mom died when she was young and her dad abandoned the family after that so she grew up w/o parents. She has always been very protective and coddled my brother and I growing up. I didn't do a good job of breaking away from her when I got married.

Connection problems: I am non confrontational and avoided speaking about things that happened in our marriage that needed a solution. My default was to give the silent treatment if I was unhappy with something W did. That resentment built up in me and caused her to feel like she was never good enough. She is a fixer and she was always trying to either fix me or fix herself so she would meet my needs. She said she lost herself along the way and didn't like the person she became. So that is why she needed to separate to get time away.
We both work way to much and are raising a toddler. She travels for work so were away from each other a lot. I was resentful that she was always leaving us even though I tried to put on a happy face. I know she likes the work travel so I wanted to support her. I felt like I had all the home duties.

What I/we tried: MC, me going to IC, going on vacation together in Aug '16, me journaling and trying to share some feelings and being vulnerable (this worked best I would get the wall down just a little bit, but we didn't do this on a consistent basis, or when she would shut down I would give up)

[Chase20]

yesterday was the first day of no contact on either side for the entire 5 months. It is heartbreaking to let go. I truly have so much love in my heart for my W and I know we are meant to be together. I guess I have to trust this process and have hope that she will come around.
She is out of town for work, I know this is the time when she communicates the least with me but its still so hard.

[Chase20]

When you finally back off and give your spouse space what are they thinking? Any WAS on here that can answer?

[Chase20]

My fear is that is will push her towards D/mediation faster.

Even though I know that my pursuit the last few months probably pushed her to that thought faster. Its so hard to let go and detach.

[Chase20]

Just Journaling

Two days NC with W. Last night I was thinking she might want to facetime with our daughter since she hadn't seen her in a few days but she didn't reach out. I don't know how much to interfere with her relationship with D. D tells me she is sad because she wants to see mommy, I just tell her mommy loves her. Should I be telling my W that she should be calling?

I did finally text last night at 7 because according to the calendar W created she is supposed to pick up D from daycare today. I switched our daycare dates to make this work. W texted back 40min later saying 'I have coaching tomorrow night I thought you would pick her up and I would get her from you at 7:30.' So the calendar she created says she is picking up D - was she planning on telling me this at some point. This is less than 24 hrs before it is happening.
I want my D so I said I would pick her up- since daycare is 5 min from my work. I did tell her she needs to give me more notice is she is going to change the calendar. So she says oh sorry; my dad can watch her if its a big deal.

The big deal is that I told my D mommy was picking her up from day care and she was excited. Then I had to tell her that isn't the plan now. This is what kills me about broken families where one parent makes plans and then breaks or changes them. It is such a let down to the kids.

I have never been good at communicating my feelings/emotions. In the 5 month separation I have still not talked much about them because I was avoiding relationship talk/anything to serious. I am trying to figure out if I should 180 that but that is in conflict with going NC.

[LH19]

Chase,

Stick to no contact unless it involves your daughter and keep your feelings to yourself for now. 5 months is very early in the process.

What are your GAL plans for this weekend?