Just started reading DR and have a coaching session scheduled for Wednesday. My WAS left 5 months ago. She had told me before she was unhappy but I didn't think we really had any problems because we liked hanging out, had a lot in common and didn't really fight. By the time I realized we had a connection problem about 1.5 years ago she had built up a wall and nothing I did was helping. We tried MC and then she told me I needed to do my own counseling since my communication, not putting her first and mom issues were the main problem.
I have done about 3 months of another program where they advocate no space, calling every day and giving gifts once a week. I really like the program and think it probably works for some people esp. for situations where both partners want to work on things. My spouse's wall is still so thick my efforts are just crashing into it and bouncing to the ground. Yesterday when picking up our daughter, I gave a cool gift and she just snorted and shook her head. Later she sent an email saying my gifts were not being well received 'right now' and she feels bad but its apparent we both want different things. She is happy being on her own. She is going to talk to someone about 'what it looks like to make it more permanent. And sorry about the email its just hard to talk to you in person since communication was always a problem.
Then she tells my best friend to check in on me because she is worried about my reaction. My friend asks if she wants a divorce but she says she wants to look at mediation...
I am struggling with should I let go of the other model and try to back off and do a 180?
I haven't responded to her email, she texted about mid day about my game yesterday and something to do with daycare for our daughter. I didn't respond, she called in the evening but I was in IC. She didn't leave a message.
Any advice on if I should respond before I have my coaching session on Wednesday?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
She's let you know that what you're doing isn't working. If she wants time away from you, talking to her everyday and giving her gifts is probably having the opposite of the intended effect.
By the way, I hate to say this but "mediation" is part of the divorce (or legal separation) process.
First off I am really sorry you are here. Also, I am glad you now realize that pursuing her and buying her gifts is having the opposite effect and is only turning her off. That BS only works in the movies.
Judging by your brief description it sounds like your wife believes you have some "mommy issues" and she may feel you you are in a fragile emotional state right now. Again, not attractive.
IMO the best thing you can do right now is be the best dad you can be (attractive) join a gym (attractive) and get out and fill your free time with fun and exciting things to do.
Go NC with your wife unless it involves your daughter. Respond to your wife's texts but at your leisure and only when they require a response. Be mysterious!
If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.
I do have some control issues but I thought I was being helpful by being a decision maker and she is indecisive. I didn't realize that was even an issue. My stability and groundedness is one of things she was attracted to when we met because her and her family is the opposite. Now with the lack of connection and love it is something that she doesn't like about me.
I have struggled to be vulnerable, I like to keep the peace so I keep everything inside and also go to my mom for advice when she wanted to me to put her opinion and thoughts first.
In the last 5 months I have burnt myself to ashes and rebuilt through reading, hypnotherapy, coaching and working on myself. She can't see any of those things at all. But she also gives off mixed messages and anytime I feel like she is letting her guard down the next few days it goes back up stronger.
So for now I will back off and give her space.
She has a crazy work schedule and still wants to have 50/50 custody of our daughter. We have a plan that is 4 nights with me in our family home and 3 nights with her at her apartment. But she can't ever keep those days because of her work schedule. I am a teacher, so summers off, and the schedule she gave me for how she would like the summer to go is really hectic with 1 night with me 1 night with her,36 hours with me, 2 nights with her. So its so much extra contact with each other. And no stability for a two year old. Should I agree to this or push to stick with our original parent plan and if she can't have our daughter on her nights then sorry?
If you are free and can accommodate why wouldn't you want to spend more time with your daughter. If you are busy running a 5k or at the gym or out with friends " sorry W I have plans you are going to have to make other arrangements."
What fun and exciting things do you have planned for the Summer?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
She has a crazy work schedule and still wants to have 50/50 custody of our daughter. We have a plan that is 4 nights with me in our family home and 3 nights with her at her apartment. But she can't ever keep those days because of her work schedule. I am a teacher, so summers off, and the schedule she gave me for how she would like the summer to go is really hectic with 1 night with me 1 night with her,36 hours with me, 2 nights with her. So its so much extra contact with each other. And no stability for a two year old. Should I agree to this or push to stick with our original parent plan and if she can't have our daughter on her nights then sorry?
Hello Chase20,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is going to sound like an echo around here regarding no need to respond to her emails/texts unless it is about your D. When it is about your D, don't reply right away unless it is an emergency.
The 4 nights in family home with you & 3 nights at apartment sounds reasonable. The other suggestion does sound chaotic, especially for a 2 year old.
I'm glad you have a DB Telephone Coaching session scheduled for Wednesday. In the meantime, read DR and focus on being the best Chase20 and parent that only a fool would leave.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I may be off base here, but you may want to read .... Google it, there's a free PDF out there. It's a really hard read if you have to face some things about yourself, but it's worth it.
The custody situation you're talking about seems absolutely insane. There's no stability or structure for your child in there, and no way for YOU to find any stability in there, either (exactly how are you supposed to GAL if you're at her beck and call like this, where she gets to dictate your downtime?)
Ask yourself what's best for your two year old. That's your #1 responsibility, here. It's your W's responsibility to figure out how to make time for your child. I'd personally suggest you try to accommodate her as much as is reasonable--your child NEEDS two parents, after all--but NOT to the point that it becomes detrimental to you or your daughter.
Last edited by Cristy; 06/06/1708:29 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
If I made her stick to the parenting plan our time would be more like me 70% her 30%. I want to have pure intentions so I struggle with am I being manipulative and trying to make her feel the loss of our family a little bit more.
The ... program advocated not making any big plans away from W so I could take every opportunity to see her.
My parents have a few vacation properties close by so I will take D to those. I haven't really thought about other trips. My cousin had a baby and they live in San Jose so maybe I will take D on a trip there.
W is taking D to NYC for a family vacation over 4th of July. It makes me sad because I was there last summer w/0 W but with her family (she had other plans with work/friends). We were all talking about how much fun it would be to have it as a family tradition to do 4th of July out there. She wants to take her for 6 nights although we originally agreed to 5.
This is my biological child her adopted child.
Last edited by Cristy; 06/06/1708:55 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
