Yes Cali, I have experience in living across the country from my H, having no children or custody to share, and no real reason for contact.
In the beginning I made up reasons as an excuse to get SOMETHING out of him, but I learned (not so quickly) that it had a negative effect. When I stopped that, after a couple of months, he finally came above ground with a text- How was your day?
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Yes Cali, I have experience in living across the country from my H, having no children or custody to share, and no real reason for contact.
In the beginning I made up reasons as an excuse to get SOMETHING out of him, but I learned (not so quickly) that it had a negative effect. When I stopped that, after a couple of months, he finally came above ground with a text- How was your day?
That's interesting to know Leahsue. I really do need my Social Security Card though. That is important to me and I don't necessarily trust her not to lose it unfortunately! I keep forgetting to make sure I ask for it and when I try to contact her with a polite text she ignores it.
Well it now seems that my wife has completely cut me off, so who is using "going dark"? Haha! She won't respond to the simplest of text, like having a good weekend? She couldn't give me the respect to do a face to face and runs away and now she can't even give me the respect to return a text. Cali, please stop trying to control her or manipulate the outcome. She NOW wants her freedom and she told you to your face about what she needed inside the marriage while still out there. She complained a lot about it and she was not well there, either.
She does not want to return to the west coast & even though I LOVE the west coast, imo she had good reasons for wanting to be where she is now.
But moving back there or staying there is clearly your main goal.
The impasse continues, so now she's just wanting her freedom. She obviously wants to avoid having the same conversation.
Still haven't seen any divorce papers and even after that there are still things we will have to discuss. For one next year I am going to need info for doing taxes and we still have to file jointly. [/b] Are you annoyed she has not filed? Because if you want the divorce or just can't handle uncertainty, you can file yourself.
But you may want to look at this inability to accept uncertainty even for short times,
OR maybe you can learn to let go of the need to control the outcome (and her).
As for "next year's" taxes, come on Cali. I know this hurts. But take a step back, take a breath and look at your comments and behavior...
I guess this is what I get.... I feel sad for her in a way that she has no one around her who is pro-marriage and that encouraged her to do things the right way.
Cali, and what would the "right way" have looked like? (Do You mean, your way or just not leaving at all, or what?)
She told you to your face what she was missing while she was out there married to you.
She was missing time together, her family, her support system back east, she was lonely & you were gone a lot.
From what I've read, you have made no sincere effort to change the fundamentals of this, until after she left.
And even then...you didn't fly out and say "OMG I get it now. We will sell the house and move back here, whatever it takes for you to get the help you need/want"
Yes, we all know you don't believe that's ^^what she needs, but she does. And when it comes to HER needs/wants, her beliefs matter more. They just do.
You still go on at great lengths to avoid the BIG issue and talk about other generic "things you have learned" but unless I missed something in the last 2 days, it's just not persuasive.
I don't see her behavior as dishonorable. I see it as her trying to be in control of her own life.
What am I missing?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I would just like to chime in with my opinion. The bs about pursing/fighting for the woman only works in the movies.
How about one last phone call "Honey I love you and I adore you and I want to work this out. If you think a divorce will make you happy I will sign the papers. If you change your mind in the future give me a call".
Then walk away and never look back.
Cali's w suffers from severe depression, among other things. She told Calif she misses her family and she does not want to live in California again, in part b/c Cali's hours $uck and he's gone for days at a time. She informed him that she has been lonely a lot. Nothing changed.
Until she left, Cali made no changes at all, and still insists she should return AND then they will work on things....never addressing the fundamental problem underlying all else. Because he does not agree that is what she needs...
She wants to be near her support system back east. Cali thinks that's a bad idea.
He says they/he will lose money by leaving the west coast, (which may well be true)
and besides, he has a good job in California and does not have a good job back east which he (sort of?) looked for. Cali believes she is irrational about wanting to live back east but his view of California is completely based on empirical research and knowledge and data and she "should" want to want what he does.
Cali also says he has "high moral standards" BUT he "loved others -with lower standards-, all the same"....
"never asked her to change"....but "She may have felt inferior"...
this is not about a woman being selfish.
I think telling him to act as if this is all about her, seems off the mark to me. OR like the whole thread has not been followed.
No offense Cali but if you get nothing else out of this painful ordeal, I hope it will be some self awareness about what you create in your life.
My h has said MANY times he's "Never failed at anything" and cites his professional and physical achievements, if asked...
oh, but he has failed...and now that he's in a new r, with a new admiring fan base,
he will not look at or admit they were HIS failures. He will never need to learn from failures, which is something all great people do.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just so everyone knows I am going to completely walk away from my wife now. I took my ring off yesterday and put it away. I have been working on a letter, but I feel less and less of a need to send it.
Leahsue- Just curious, but was there another woman involved in your situation?
I haven't had my social security card in over 10 years. If it matters that much, go to the Social Security Administration and get another one. That, and the tax business, are just excuses.
I would just like to chime in with my opinion. The bs about pursing/fighting for the woman only works in the movies.
How about one last phone call "Honey I love you and I adore you and I want to work this out. If you think a divorce will make you happy I will sign the papers. If you change your mind in the future give me a call".
Then walk away and never look back.
Cali's w suffers from severe depression, among other things. She told Calif she misses her family and she does not want to live in California again, in part b/c Cali's hours $uck and he's gone for days at a time. She informed him that she has been lonely a lot. Nothing changed.
Until she left, Cali made no changes at all, and still insists she should return AND then they will work on things....never addressing the fundamental problem underlying all else. Because he does not agree that is what she needs...
She wants to be near her support system back east. Cali thinks that's a bad idea.
The problem I have with a lot of this that her support system you like to say she needs or has has never been there for her in the first place. Her family life has been pretty non existent. She has never had very many close friends because her all controlling mother scared them away. This is a topic of conversation within her family and I have been apart of it many times. She hardly ever see's her brother because he was kicked out of the house a long time ago. Sister lives a few states away from her now and has never even had a holiday with her entire family, let alone her mom sticking around for one. Majority of her holidays have been spent with her and her dad while the mother was off with friends somewhere else.
It's a fact that the first birthday party she has ever had with friends was when she moved here and I invited all she knew and her one best friend from Virginia showed up too. These are details that I know about her and her family life which she talked me about not having much of one many times to me and the rest of my family. When she first moved here it was hard for her to get used to doing so many family things together like my family does. She often complained about it because we were always busy with it. So tell me how that fits the bill now? Everything she says about family issues just seems like a big excuse and if you blame me for seeing that way when I know her family life sucked then how should I view it. She doesn't even have the decency to reach out to my family during this whole thing at all. I didn't do the same and I did what was right by my standards and reached out to her family just to even to apologize to them for the way things went.
He says they/he will lose money by leaving the west coast, (which may well be true)
and besides, he has a good job in California and does not have a good job back east which he (sort of?) looked for. Cali believes she is irrational about wanting to live back east but his view of California is completely based on empirical research and knowledge and data and she "should" want to want what he does.
This is just not true. I will lose my house if I leave California and lose money on that if that is what you mean. My job follows me where ever I go, so I can live on the East or West coast and make the same amount of money. I'm not sure where you got that from. My wife is fully aware of this because she once did the same job.
Cali also says he has "high moral standards" BUT he "loved others -with lower standards-, all the same"....
"never asked her to change"....but "She may have felt inferior"...
this is not about a woman being selfish.
This is what gets me and what I mean by my writing skills $ucks! I was trying to see it from her perspective and not mine. That has nothing to do with how I actually think or how I saw it. She said things to me about not being good enough for me and being poison to me a few times. I always told her this is not true at all. That popped into my head the other day and I start to contemplate it. I was trying to think of how maybe she saw things. especially from her depressed views and low self esteem. I am not sure if it's how I am typing things out or bringing it across the table, but things are definitely skewed in your eyes about what I am saying or at least trying to say. What am I doing wrong in trying to get my point across? I am at a loss here.
I think telling him to act as if this is all about her, seems off the mark to me. OR like the whole thread has not been followed.
No offense Cali but if you get nothing else out of this painful ordeal, I hope it will be some self awareness about what you create in your life.
My h has said MANY times he's "Never failed at anything" and cites his professional and physical achievements, if asked...
oh, but he has failed...and now that he's in a new r, with a new admiring fan base,
he will not look at or admit they were HIS failures. He will never need to learn from failures, which is something all great people do.
25year I think the problem is you are comparing me to your husband. I am not him or even close. This is not a fair comparison because you really don't know me at all. Do you no think my wife isn't at least a little part of the problem. Is what she did justified because she was lonely, couldn't get the job she wanted yet, was away from her crappy family life. Marriage is work and the first couple years is always the hardest. I don't know of one marriage that hasn't had issues and most of them much worse then mine. My biggest issue was that I went away for work and was gone 2 to 3 weeks out of the month to support my wife who had no job, but needed to eat and a car to get around and to pay for her hospital visits.
I mean no offense to you either 25year because I know you are honestly trying to help and I really really appreciate it, but your understanding of my character is not always right.
I will admit when I am wrong, which I have done to my wife many times, but the blame is never rarely solely on one persons shoulders. Even the DR book says that by explaining how one persons actions effect the other and a round and a round we go! I am stubborn, but not to a point where I can never do no wrong and I see what I did wrong in the marriage and I won't make the same mistakes again.
I mainly didn't love my wife in the right way. That isn't to say I wasn't loving her or less, but I needed to approach it differently than I did. If I would have learned that in time then all of the issue we are supposedly having would have been drastically different. I know this because of what my wife has said to me. You knwo what would be awesome? If you had the chance to talk to my wife and get her perspective on me. I would love to hear what it would be, but of course I know that isn't even remotely going to happen. It's just talking hypothetically, but I think you would have a different view of this situation I'm in and maybe not think I am so crazy after all.
I haven't had my social security card in over 10 years. If it matters that much, go to the Social Security Administration and get another one. That, and the tax business, are just excuses.
You clearly don't need it like I do for my job. Just because you don't need yours doesn't mean I don't need mine. Why should I have to go through the extra effort when she can just mail it to me. Tax business is a fact, not an excuse. By the time tax time comes around again do you think I will actually want to talk to my ex wife? Give me a little break!
I just got a message that she is trying to transfer her phone line to her dads account. Does anyone know how this will effect me? Should I just go in and cancel her account now? I don't want to be stuck paying, but I also don't want to make her angry either since I still don't have the divorce papers.
I haven't had my social security card in over 10 years. If it matters that much, go to the Social Security Administration and get another one. That, and the tax business, are just excuses.
You clearly don't need it like I do for my job. Just because you don't need yours doesn't mean I don't need mine. Why should I have to go through the extra effort when she can just mail it to me. Tax business is a fact, not an excuse. By the time tax time comes around again do you think I will actually want to talk to my ex wife? Give me a little break!
Cali, if you need it that bad for your job, you wouldn't be wasting time texting her for it. You keep getting no response and no SS card, so by now, if you went to the SS administration, you would have it.
We all did those things. Finding a reason for contact. Something we need. We shouldn't have to do it, they should do it. been there done that, have the T-shirt.
Well, she's not doing it. So, you can take care of it yourself, especially if you need it that bad.
