Cali, If I was too harsh with you yesterday in my comments, I apologize. I've been following your posts from the very beginning and have read anything others replied to you. You have to do what feels right to you, and I respect that. Best of luck to you!
No need to apologize at all and you weren't to harsh. I'm a big boy and can take it. It's just hard for me to get across and convey what I really want to say it seems, that is what is frustrating. It seems my writing skills are lacking in this department. My biggest concern is doing what's right for myself, my wife and honoring my vows.
Hi Cali, sorry you are having a rough time of things. I just want to chip in that (in general) I don't think letter writing is a good idea - other than to perhaps get things off your chest and then burn the letter if that helps. I journaled a lot in the early days and it does help to get all these whirling thoughts from the mind, through the hand and onto paper or screen. We don't need to include our spouse in that and I think it is best we don't.
I have read in other places that it can be a powerful tool, but either way it's for me so I can have closure.
I haven't read your whole sitch, just your last post - but it sounds as though there has been some feeback from posters, which may have stung....normally that's the stuff that may well be worth exploring.
The feedback is fine. It's just that what I write is sometimes taken out of context and it's obviously my writing skills aren't cutting it. I don't have problems admitting when I am wrong.
From what you post, it sounds as though you are wanting to prod and poke at your situation to 'move it' towards an outcome. Actually, it is often much better to step back and do nothing, let some time pass. It is hard to achieve that, as we feel such a drive to do 'something' - but I have found peace and strength in letting things go, working on me and rebuilding my own life.
I'm just trying to do the right thing for myself and my wife. I don't want to be the one who truly gives up and dishonors the vows we took. I don't believe in that and I want to be true to what I promised my wife. Yes I know I obviously did things wrong, but I would have never left my marriage. Walking away and doing nothing has been the one thing so far that has actually pushed and prodded my situation forward. At least this is what I saw. As soon as I stopped contacting her she brings up divorce talk. I try it again and she goes ahead with it and doesn't even mention it to me.
I can remember watching the post box, wondering if divorce papers might be in there - and it isn't nice. Mine came by email in the end, and I was kind of glad that I only had them as 'virtual' papers!
I'm not wondering if they are coming. My wife told me I would be getting them this last week, but I have got nothing so far.
I would encourage you to keep posting and carry on with DB coach sessions too. Try and manage your frustration and explore things that others are suggesting to you. In general, it is best not to try to 'do something about' your situation - and to try to 'do things for yourself.' In my situation, I did sit back a lot, let XH initiate, responded minimally and pleasantly - and (really important) set about rebuilding my own life without him. Now, he never did turn back to the marriage, and that was always up to him as it is any spouse. But as time has passed, I have come to see that what really matters to me is what I have learned from this difficult period, who I managed to be, how I handled myself, whether I am at peace with my choices..
XH has become someone who came and went from my life - as people may do. And I am fine with that. I dug deep and followed advice to try and save my marriage and it mattered to me a lot. There is peace in knowing that too - I did all that I could.
So - the biggest message - try and take the focus off her and off needing to do something, anything about your situation. Instead step back, let go and leave her be. Start to make plans for yourself and how you want your life to become in the event she doesn't turn back. She may or she may not. And if she does, you can consider things at that point....no harm done....and you will have moved forward in any case and seen that a good life without her is entirely possible.
My life certainly hasn't stopped or even hiccuped other than the fact that I am doing things now that my wife used to do around the house. I'm not sulking in my house crying over anything. I'm sure it's hard for people to believe, but it's the absolute truth. I still very much enjoy myself and my life! My wife left and yeah it [censored], but there is nothing I can do about it and life goes on. I actually would have let my wife go from the get go until I run into this site. I was actually looking up how to go about the divorce and what to watch out for when I found Divorce Busting. I started reading things and people situations and thinking maybe I should be doing this. Before that I told my wife that it wasn't good that she was leaving and if she does don't expect me to go after her. I also told her if she tries to come back and her key doesn't work anymore than she has her answer. That reminds me that I should ask for my keys to the house back from her and her parents.
I know everyone on this site means well, but how many on here have actually had this work for reconciling their marriage. I know it is mainly for getting people out of the dumps and make them feel better again, which is great. I am not depressed. Don't get me wrong the house is much quieter with out her here and I do miss her, but I am doing just fine.
Just curious, but how many people have actually had these techniques work and get their marriage back on track and actually have it stick and not just end in a divorce again? I know the real goal is helping yourself, but how successful is it in getting a marriage to reconcile?
My main goal is for my marriage to reconcile. Not sure if you guys would believe me or not when I say that I am just fine and living my life as usual. I do have a new understanding of how things went in my marriage and what mistakes I won't make again, but I am not in need of getting my life back on track other then having my wife want to work things out. My weeks are filled with friends, family, working out and enjoying my regular activities that I have always enjoyed.
I hope this doesn't come off as cocky, rude, or a straight out lie, but this is the truth in my eyes. I may not be on here much longer since it's seems to be not working out for me and once I sign the divorce papers and I choose to walk away from it there won't be a need for me to be here. I just won't have anything to share anymore. I know that it's important for people to stick around for a little while to help others out, but it seems that I don't get it, so I'm not sure I would help anyone anyway. I suppose if in the near future my wife wants to work things out then I might be able to help people with what happened and what we are going through to fix things, so you would see me again at that point.
I can recall Starsky, a former poster posting along these lines once..
He said that at BD your odds of the marriage being saved may be at around 5-10%
DBing helps increase those odds - maybe to around 20-25% - particularly if you are willing to stand for a good while in the face of seemingly little/no hope...
The chances of 'saving yourself' through DBing are extremely high - say around 90%..
I'm not quoting the exact percentages, but this was broadly what he posted. Actually a minority of marriages get saved here. However, it isn't uncommon for the LBS to stand for a while, give up, move on, and then the WAS turn back to the relationship? But sometimes the door is then closed by the LBS and the WAS goes through the same kind of grieving.
Really, most situations don't resolve quickly and I can recall Wonka once posting that 9 months plus would be the earliest time - and many are longer than that. Really where there is an active A, that needs time to run it's course, for most A's don't settle down into sustainable and rewarding relationships. I recall reading a piece of research once, that said after 7 years only 3% of A's had continued into R's. A tiny percentage, but seven years is also a long time!
I hope you'll stick around, even if things don't turn for your marriage in the shorter term, but it's always up to you of course.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well it now seems that my wife has completely cut me off, so who is using "going dark"? Haha! She won't respond to the simplest of text, like having a good weekend? She couldn't give me the respect to do a face to face and runs away and now she can't even give me the respect to return a text. Still haven't seen any divorce papers and even after that there are still things we will have to discuss. For one next year I am going to need info for doing taxes and we still have to file jointly. I guess this is what I get.... I feel sad for her in a way that she has no one around her who is pro-marriage and that encouraged her to do things the right way.
Has anyone been in my situation where there is nothing connecting you with your wife, so that there has to be some kind of communication with her? They moved very far away and started ignoring you. It seems I am being forced into going dark by her actions rather than by mine.
You seem to think that if you keep asking the same questions you will get different answers. You say you'll be fine without her. Prove it. Prove it yourself and to her.
You seem to think that if you keep asking the same questions you will get different answers. You say you'll be fine without her. Prove it. Prove it yourself and to her.
I am doing fine without her. I'm just annoyed that she is ignoring me I guess. Going dark it is, but I am in need of something she has of mine. All I want to do is keep the peace so she won't want to change the terms of the divorce, but she is ignoring me. I want what she accidentally took from the house when she left. She said she would mail it back right away, but that was over a month ago.
You seem to think that if you keep asking the same questions you will get different answers. You say you'll be fine without her. Prove it. Prove it yourself and to her.
I am doing fine without her. I'm just annoyed that she is ignoring me I guess. Going dark it is, but I am in need of something she has of mine. All I want to do is keep the peace so she won't want to change the terms of the divorce, but she is ignoring me. I want what she accidentally took from the house when she left. She said she would mail it back right away, but that was over a month ago.
if it's not a live animal, what difference does waiting a few weeks or months make?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You seem to think that if you keep asking the same questions you will get different answers. You say you'll be fine without her. Prove it. Prove it yourself and to her.
I am doing fine without her. I'm just annoyed that she is ignoring me I guess. Going dark it is, but I am in need of something she has of mine. All I want to do is keep the peace so she won't want to change the terms of the divorce, but she is ignoring me. I want what she accidentally took from the house when she left. She said she would mail it back right away, but that was over a month ago.
if it's not a live animal, what difference does waiting a few weeks or months make?
Because it's my Social Security Card, she has no business having it. Makes a lot of difference!
