Calibri, Thank you so much for sharing your story. There are many similarities between yours and mine, albeit on a different side of the diagnosis.
We were seeing a marriage therapist, not one I really felt comfortable with. The therapist and my wife went to high school together. I always felt the therapist was hesitant around my wife. By the time I honestly was aware and cared to put the hard work in, my wife felt it was a cop out to change therapists. She has mentioned seeking a IC of her own which I encouraged.
I'm going to write the letter, haven't decided if I will give it to her yet.
Thanks again and keep me updated on how you make out. Best of luck
Roller coaster continues. I was laying in bed talking to the wife and I asked her how I could rebuild her trust. BOOM. Backlash. She said "I doubt you could ever rebuild trust with me. It will probably take years and I'll be in another relationship by then. " Not what I wanted to hear. She then proceeded to list everything I have done wrong for the last 5 years. Yesterday she asked me to go to New Orleans. I don't get it. I don't know what to do.
The mediation is less than 2 weeks away. We are getting the house ready to sell and will be moving shortly thereafter (move was planned before the BD). We still plan to get an apartment together for at least 6 months as we acclimate to the area, get child care situated etc.
I think it's time to pull back and work on myself. I have a therapist appt tomorrow morning. He's going to earn his money for an hour.
Still in contact with my wife. She calls and likes to talk and we hung around the house a couple days. Weirdness last night. She wanted me to sleep over. All is good. I use the bathroom with the light out (one of her pet peeves) and she flipped out. I get being upset but she called it a "slap in the face." Then started to say that whenever she considers working on the relationship, I do something to set it back. I assume she is angry because 1. Its a behavior she associates to a rough time in our marriage and 2. I feel that whenever she starts to feel closer to me she looks for any small indication to push back. Is this normal? Any insight? Any help would be appreciated.
Also, I'm seeing an IC more re: to Bipolar. I'm thinking I would like to see a marriage therapist also. My wife no longer wants to go and I never felt comfortable with our old counselor. Any recommendations into what type of therapy. I thought I read SBT therapy around here somewhere. Thanks again
It appears to me that your wife does not feel that she's married to you anymore. For her to say that she could be in another relationship by then, means that she's definitely looking, has probably found someone and is keeping you on a string till it's concrete. I could be wrong, but that's my gut feeling.
My XWW's friend is going through problems with an abusive alcoholic husband, and she said she wanted to save her M 3/10. I say, if you ever get to a point, where you don't want to save your marriage 10/10, then just give up.
She wants to be set free, but you're most likely the ball and chain keeping her back. Painful, indeed.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
You can go to a counselor alone but I don't think it makes sense to bring an unwilling partner to counseling. For me it went from "I just want to have it end peacefully" to "I want to do it to help you cope" to "I want to see if it can be saved" and agreeing that "we desperately need outside help".
On the other hand, remember you cannot believe anything they say. That statement might be a test to see if you are serious and committed. I hate this part as it seems like playing games...but perhaps they feel the same about us making changes.
I agree with DDJ - I think she feels that she's out already - and most likely might be waiting for the house to sell before revealing other intentions....should she have any.
With regards to the bathroom/slap in the face comment. I've been there. At one point my XH told me that we were "working on our marriage" and then in the next sentence lied about something v. small and I called him on it. He admitted that he lied. It was a continuation of behavior that I absolutely abhorred and my reaction was a nuclear one - even went so far as the slap in the face comment - like your wife said. Looking back on it now, I know that it came from my insecurities. I felt because there was a continuation of heavily ingrained behavior - that he wouldn't/couldn't change and that *I* wasn't/didn't mean enough to him to change. I poked at it in therapy awhile back and I realized that my childhood abandonment and issues with my father and his own BP illness made me quick to react in an over the top defensive way. I know now that my reactions are mine and he can't be held accountable for them and that genuine changes take time. I've also had to learn (and this is such a struggle for me) that just because someone isn't doing things the way I would, doesn't mean they're not doing the best that they can. I've also learned that expectations are the root of all heartache and have been working to detach my love for him (both then and now) and untie it to my self esteem issues and desire to feel wanted. I say that to you so that you can hopefully start not taking her words to heart. Realize that you can love her and if you are (genuinely) trying your best - know that not turning on the light is not going to keep her from loving you and or reconciling.
I wouldn't advise MC until both parties are ready to commit to the process. At that point you can get a referral to another MC, but imo it's a waste of time and will perhaps push her further down the road of divorce.
I still believe you need to work on yourself and leave your wife to decide if she's going to do the work on herself. While I absolutely do believe you should show her changes that are permanent - I don't believe you should become a doormat. Going on trips to New Orleans, living in an apartment for 6 months after all this. Not a healthy situation. You want to be her husband and her partner - not her cake.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
couple questions. Your wife is mad at you for having an Ebay business and wants a divorce because of that? I don't understand what the issue is. Is it because you didn't discuss it with her first?
Second, and I am not trying to be funny, is it possible your W is bi-polar as well? You mentioned your MIL has Bi=Polar disorder and her actions being from 1 extreme to the other over an ebay business seems extreme.
Hang in there. Heal yourself and detach. Fix yourself...keep reading DR and GAL. Be kind but don't beg. and know your Ws buttons not to push. Instead push the buttons that bring a positive response. Bringing up trusting you again is obviously a sore topic right now...show her you can be trusted . Do as you say and the trust will come back.
couple questions. Your wife is mad at you for having an Ebay business and wants a divorce because of that? I don't understand what the issue is. Is it because you didn't discuss it with her first?
Second, and I am not trying to be funny, is it possible your W is bi-polar as well? You mentioned your MIL has Bi=Polar disorder and her actions being from 1 extreme to the other over an ebay business seems extreme.
The ebay business I started up was a secret. She did not know anything about it. I jad a previous eccommerce business that I was moving our mortgage and utility payments into (My first diagnosed manic episode) She was hurt over this and that I exposed her to risk since we did our taxes together (I've tried to explain that the business did not exist in 2016, so there was no liability but it falls on deaf ears)
I don't think she is BiP but definitely has some explosive anger issues. I have recommended that she see an IC in the past, and she has thought about it but has not agreed.
I still believe you need to work on yourself and leave your wife to decide if she's going to do the work on herself. While I absolutely do believe you should show her changes that are permanent - I don't believe you should become a doormat. Going on trips to New Orleans, living in an apartment for 6 months after all this. Not a healthy situation. You want to be her husband and her partner - not her cake.
I agree. I think I intellectually know this but it is so hard to detach. I know I need to do it for myself. I think we both need this marriage to die in some sort of way. Today I am going to take action and start to detach. This is going to require some inner strength but I have run myself into the ground over the last 2 months pursuing. Wish me luck
