Betrayed Spouse

[dale165]

Whore?? I thought it meant other woman??

[25yearsmlc]

Sandi or anyone else out there:

I find my willingness to continue to wane. Crawling up to 10 months. Im seeing subtle changes in her but starting to see a lot of negatives.


are these^^ objective negatives in her that you never noticed before, or she's now changing, or are they negative reactions/emotions in You?

1) On paper, wife and AP is way more compatible than me and her. They are from same city, hurricane Katrina relocated them. They both have a love for New Orleans. Both had a rough childhood, both love to travel, both like going out and being "seen", both love to take 1000s of photos, AP divorced his wife for reasons my wife wants a divorce, both love music. Im partly some of those things but I'm much simpler.

don't play into this^^^. It gets you nowhere.


2) I'm worried if recon even happens, I won't be able to keep up with her newfound high maintenance.

are these really newfound or previously ignored, or what? AND don't get ahead of yourself here. Piecing is damn hard.

Cross that bridge when you get there.

I know ultimately its up to me but has anyone came across this? Not giving up because just tired, but just because spouse changed way too much.

this^^ is valid, okay? Discovering sides to our spouses we didn't know about

OR learning that they have changed

or not caring about whether they changed or we just learned more about them, can propel an LBSer forward in their new life.

I think there are 2 parts to this, at least.

1) one is figuring out whether you can handle the way you are being treated

AND Not whether she is new/different/or changing - *b/c in the end all that matters is how she treats you

(and focusing only on that, saves you a TON of time mind reading about MLC or WAW or wayward, etc)

and

2) - how YOU feel about her, after the dust settles.

Only you can decide what you can tolerate for how long, & how you feel about the woman you see.

[25yearsmlc]

Whore?? I thought it meant other woman??

OW does mean "other woman", I'm just saying that bashing the AP does nothing positive or productive.

And at least as it applies to wives, it makes us look bitter and vindictive to call an OW a "whore".

It's just beneath me.

I think air quotes calling an AP a "GF/BF" who is with our spouse while we are married,

is perfectly reasonable.

[25yearsmlc]

the thing in your situation Dale, is that your marriage is short, but you were with your w for 7 years.

Cheating this early on is not a good sign, obviously. Yet You seem sincerely surprised by her behaviors and your discoveries.

So what was the r like before you were married? Why did you guys wait so long before marrying? No judging!

Did you have reservations about her fidelity and or did she not want to get married?

[sandi2]

Yes, it happens. I've seen LBH'S reconcile with the W and later realize they could not get pass the things she did. Instead of the H giving up b/c he could not measure up to her high maintenance, it's been more H's realizing they no longer felt the same about the W.

When a H puts so much work into getting back his W, his emotional energy can be spent quickly. That's one of the reasons we push newcomers to focus at working on themselves, GAL, etc. Working on himself should not be a method to just get her back again, b/c as soon as he feels she is back in the MR.......his "improvements" fall by the wayside. He should focus on how to improve himself as a man in the relationships in his life. This is not about him measuring up, or competing for his WW.

When I read your post, it sounds as if you are saying the OM is more qualified to fill the position of husband to your W. Although we occasionally see this thinking in a LBH, it is not the more common mindset. IMHO, it comes when the LBH feels he has been placed in a competition with the OM, and feels inferior to him.

If you decide to bow out of the M, then do it b/c it is best for you. Don't consede defeat b/c you feel OM would make a better H for your W.

If you are worn out and emotionally drained, why not drop the rope and not focus on your W? Make a life apart from her and do the things you enjoy. If she wants to mess up her life, then let her go. Don't give her the control to destroy you and your opportunity for whatever your future holds.

Your W is not the prize here, so don't compete for her. Don't think of yourself as a loser. Whether the M succeeds or fails.........you are the winner in Dale's life. You are the star!

((hugs))

[dale165]

I'm definitely surprised about the cheating. Her character and morals were high by most standards before.

We had a good/different relationship. We both were in school for a lot of the relationship. Soon as I finished CPA exam in 2012 I worked 80 hrs a week on a contract job for 2 years. She was in school for nurse practioner, that was a lot of schooling plus she worked at a bar at night (Where she met guy back in 2013). She was very controlling in the beginning. I would get 2 days off a month during that contract job. So we basically seen each other at night. I guess we never got to bond like we should have. Physical attraction was super high in the beginning. Back to the controlling, she would get mad even if I wanted to play golf. I soon began making up stuff and lying to friends on why I couldn't go places with them. I began withdrawing from everything soon after. We became distant emotionally, but she tried way harder than I did to bring us back. This continued to get worse before marriage but we still got married.

To answer why so long, me being complacent and all her schooling. She was in school for 6 of our 7 years.

No reservations about her fidelity. Not 100% but Id bet just about anything she was faithful for most of it. She was always home, didn't care about her phone, looks to a degree. The in july 2016, she started acting way diffent. Brought her phone even to take a bath. Would get "called out at work" all the time. Sleep out 3-4 nights a week. I should have known then.

Sorry for rambling, but to summarize. We never had a great, firework relationship as she calls it now but we always had each others backs and had a good time for the most part. We shared secrets with each other no one else know, her family took me in as their own. She became best friends with my mom. Wasn't a movie relationship but wasn't bad either.

[dale165]

Thanks Sandi. I don't feel inferior at all to him. Better looking, make way more money, honest, dependable, caring etc. What he has on me is fun and excitement. He's a bartender so he knows way more people than me. They like trips and fine dining every week. I always been simple but I do need to get out more, one of her complaints.

Your right about the detaching thing. Its my time now, cant do it anymore. Not saying I will divorce, but just cant focus on the M for awhile. This has prob taken 10 years off my life. You guys provide great advice hear, I'm just hard headed. When I want something right or wrong, I obsess over it.

[25yearsmlc]

That is a lot of school, and a lot of time apart.

Of the 35 year marriage I'm leaving now, a LOT of the last decade was in a commuter marriage or with h far away (for h's "career/money" -adventure, never by my choice, and h is an MD so none of the time apart was needed. Especially in hindsight, certainly not paying off financially).

Bottom line is It takes a toll on all m's. And we had children and so much history.

You say she did the heavy lifting in the m. So, would that part be different from before, if you two reconciled?

Also, even though it sounds as if complacency on your end and feelings of rejection on her end would be legit issues for her,

I really like Sandi's point about how you need to stop thinking you are in a competition with this OM. You're not competing with him, even if it feels that way (and I know it can).

You & your w had something real, and you DID bond. You have history and you both achieved a lot professionally, and you shared things with each other that no one else is part of.

She's close to your mom. On the whole I think it's a positive. (It's way better than her hating your family, obviously)

To sum up, the focus now needs to be ALL ABOUT YOU (all!)

b/c waiting for your w to maybe awaken or maybe regret or maybe change back...

is all about HER.

It's time for you to be in charge of how your next chapter goes.

Make sense?

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Sandi. I don't feel inferior at all to him. Better looking, make way more money, honest, dependable, caring etc. What he has on me is fun and excitement. He's a bartender so he knows way more people than me. They like trips and fine dining every week.

You are my son's age. As a mother, when I read ^^this, I want to pat your head and tell you to just STOP.

Being novel IS exciting...and then it's not novel anymore.


Unless you actually oppose traveling, (in which case she can travel with a female friend like many people do when their spouses are busy working) you can start taking trips. So they like "fine dining?" Oh, so you like "bad greasy" food?

I mean, who doesn't like "fine dining"?? (Or walks on the beach...) Don't believe the cliches that are being spouted out.


I'm sorry your heart is broken and I am sorry your w is a foolish woman who worked so hard in her career for so long, married to a man in the same boat, that when she finally looks around for some passion in her m, she assumes it cannot come from her h b/c you've both been in worker mode and mistakenly neglected the passion every m needs to some extent, some more than others.


I always been simple but I do need to get out more, one of her complaints.

Your right about the detaching thing. Its my time now, cant do it anymore. Not saying I will divorce, but just cant focus on the M for awhile.


indeed you cannot. It's not helping the situation or you.

This has prob taken 10 years off my life.


you can learn to have an inner peace and more balance in your life than you might have otherwise. In time you may well be ahead and guess what? YOU are in charge of this.


You guys provide great advice hear, I'm just hard headed. When I want something right or wrong, I obsess over it.

been there, done that, like 95% of us.

Don't pooh pooh meditation. See a therapist if you are not already.

DO GAL

We hammer GAL for a reason, which is that it works. Besides, I do not know another way to detach.

((( )))

[dale165]

Thanks for all your input 25! Truth is, I got in such a rut, I didn't know how to get out. All I did was go to work and just wanna come home. I was always into athletic stuff and fitness but quit during that several years. My wife is not athletic but sure enough she got into something I really liked but during that span I chose not to do it with her. She was a great wife, she tried very hard to snap me out of it. I would say after she left our home, I did an excellent job at addressing her concerns but when I found out about the affair in march I gave up.

As far as traveling and fine dining goes, I def like those things! Not so much dining, but I still was ok with it! Just never got into restaurants for some reason, once I find a place I like I'll just go there lol.

Bottom line is that we were busy alot and I neglected her feelings. Your right, she did the heavy lifting. We did share a bond albeit not fireworks and fairytale as she calls it. This OM showers her with attention and gifts. She can't get enough. So I somewhat understand where she is coming from. She still says she wishes that was me doing it to her, for what that's worth. She's hard headed like me but really nice at the same time so I'm sure she's going to have a hard time dumping him if she ever gets to that point.

And you guys are totally right, GAL it is. It's going to be tough because we bought a house in her neck of the woods which is 45 min from mine. Gonna be tough sometimes but hey it beats feeling sorry for myself.