So I told her she needs to show me something before we can go. Not necessarily move back in but something along the lines of kicking this guy out of her apartment. Something to show me that this isn't some sort of "feel good" for her conscience.
I think youre on the right track, but the logic in your head is a little turned around. See, your focus should be on what YOU need - not what SHE needs to do. For example, saying things to her like "Im not willing to go out with someone that is in a relationship with another person." Then it becomes about what your needs are as opposed to controlling certain aspects of what she does.
Id recommend reading the boundary thread for more (and frankly, better) insight.
Suspected my ex was in an EA for several months. Had BD and separated a month later. Divorced ~6 months later. Ex married OP 6 months after that. I learned a lot about myself and about what I want in a relationship during that time and have been dating my new partner for around 18 months. I have two kids in elementary school. Id say I get along with my ex relatively well; we can be in the same room civilly, but it's been essentially completely NC for a few years with the exception of co-parenting talk.
So...no, I didnt save my marriage. In fact, I wouldnt say I ever came at all close. But, I made PLENTY of mistakes, so my aim is to try to help others avoid the things I did.
Kaizen, thank you for the wonderful advice you provide here. I find you such a sensible and level-headed guy. I have learned much from your approach. I hope that you are profoundly happy in your relationship and that your kids are doing well.
Kaizen, thank you for the wonderful advice you provide here. I find you such a sensible and level-headed guy. I have learned much from your approach. I hope that you are profoundly happy in your relationship and that your kids are doing well.
Well, thanks! My approach isnt really any different from what MWD or my coach talked to me about.
- Do what works - Small, consistent change - Figure out my goals and make sure to work towards them
Well thanks again, your doing the public a great service. I sadly was hoping you would say the ex's relationship fell apart. Ya know, you moved on and that's all that counts. Even with what your ex did, seeing her in pain wont make you happy.
My work has been suffering big time and even the owner came told me, control what you can and leave what you cant alone. Cant force anything.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
I find my willingness to continue to wane. Crawling up to 10 months. Im seeing subtle changes in her but starting to see a lot of negatives.
1) On paper, wife and AP is way more compatible than me and her. They are from same city, hurricane Katrina relocated them. They both have a love for New Orleans. Both had a rough childhood, both love to travel, both like going out and being "seen", both love to take 1000s of photos, AP divorced his wife for reasons my wife wants a divorce, both love music. Im partly some of those things but I'm much simpler.
2) I'm worried if recon even happens, I wont be able to keep up with her newfound high maintenance.
I know ultimately its up to me but has anyone came across this? Not giving up because just tired, but just because spouse changed way too much.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Thanks Tx, its weird you say that because I actually thought the same thing last night. I told myself, I don't think married people can have a bf/gf. They should just be referred to as OM or OW. I'm just starting to learn the acronyms by the way.
I'm just going to give her the space. Maybe her realization will come through soon. I have too many abilities that I'm wasting at the moment, ready to thrive again.
I totally understand the resistance to calling an AP a gf/bf, but fwiw, calling an OW a 'whore" would get a wife nowhere fast.
Just saying...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
