Happy Belated Birthday! I do hope that you did something special for yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Bttrfly, sotto and job for the birthday greetings, its was on Thursday so a working day for me. It ended up as just another day in paradise - she says sarcastically.
H did not contact me, I was genuinely disappointed that this is what we have come to. I don't know if it was a case of him not caring, not remembering (which would be a first) or not feeling he has the right to send wishes (or even say hi for that matter) after the way he has treated me. Whatever the reason, he didn't and I admit it hurt.
My birthday present was a trip to the Dr, I had got my thyroid results earlier in the week and the nurse rang me to say I need to adjust my meds ......the meds I am not on ...so when I pointed this out, she made me an appointment to see a new female dr (mine is male), the appointment was on my birthday.
Well, she is lovely, shame she is a locum and wont be at the surgery for long, but she was so sympathetic and very helpful. Basically said that she feels I am going through menopause and my high thyroid level is not helping and really both things are a "when they happen" not "if they happen" so stop the suffering and get some meds in to me. Both have the same symptoms but also clashing ones, so no wonder I feel so emotional and tired, especially with the stress I have been through with all the ups and downs with h coming and going. More bloods last week and then I see her again next week. Its a start and I hope that I will soon be feeling a little better and able to cope with life again.
s23 rang today, he wished me a belated birthday, saying that s20 reminded him but he was disorganised. A card arrived today with a gift of a flight to go see him and visit his house. I am really touched by his generosity but whilst we were talking he mentioned his dad was visiting him next week to help with some DIY, at that point all I could think about was " I can't sleep in the same bed as h has slept in, I am not even sure I can go to the same location" totally irrational and shows how emotionally a mess I am right now. I said thank you for the offer and I will give it consideration ( I did not tell him my reasons for not saying yes straight away). I know it is crazy, but I also know that I dont want to come back from a weekend feeling stressed and more upset. I am hoping that this is a temporary feeling and down to my crazy hormones that have gone haywire.
I often wonder if holding on to hope is actually hindering to moving forwards? For instance; H has shut the door on me/us, so whats the reasoning behind me keeping it ajar for him. He has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me, 7 months of silence should be a bit of a hint!! yet I still consider the possibility he will wake up one day and realise that I am where his heart actually lies and fight to get us back ..... yeah yeah, there goes a unicorn flying past into the pink candy floss clouds. I question whether I am not accepting we are finished for good and should find a way to or whether I truly believe that he is going through something, that this is not him and he will one day wake up from his altered reality.
Its a long weekend here in NZ, I worked today (Saturday) I want the extra money, determined to get some savings behind me. Tomorrow I will catch up with guy friend and on Monday I am out to lunch and window shopping with a g/friend.
My g/friend bought me a book of NZ best road trips for my b/day so we plan to complete as many as we can, I am looking forward to planning the first one.
So that's been my week, some leaps forward and some steps backwards, the same merry dance.
hi dearest Lou. i'm so glad you're with a new dr and she's got a good handle on what's going on with you. soon you will feel better, i'm sure!!!
i'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. just keep breathing Lou, and it will pass, I promise. You've come so far, you can get through this too.
I understand completely about the holding out hope hindering you moving forwards. I can only say that think it's all part of this process for us LBSs. I think we can only look at our feet, see where we are, look around and see the our MLCr is not any where in sight, take a deep breath and carry on with our day. So I guess what I mean is just keep focusing on the day and get through it. I don't even know if that makes sense?
Sounds like you've got a busy few days. The NZ best road trips book sounds great! xoxoxo so good to hear from you xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I am happy to read that you have a new Dr. who is going to help treat your symptoms and explained what is going on w/your health. Once the meds kick in, you should begin to feel much better and hopefully the meds will help with your emotions being on a rollercoaster.
As for holding out hope. We all do that each and every day, and it took me quite a while to actually let my xh go after his second escape. It's normal because as a lbs, we think that all is well when they make a false reconcillation and say and do the things that they think we want them to say and do. It's far more difficult to let go the second time around. You are human, you are normal and what you are experiencing is very normal.
I am sorry he didn't acknowledge your birthday, but I'm not surprised. He's truly in the tunnel and it's still all about him. Try to keep your expectations to zero and I know that this is difficult, but you have to do it or you'll continue to be disappointed and hurt by his lack of contact and empathy.
Lou, take those road trips, enjoy your life, live it to the fullest and know that no matter what happens, you are going to be just fine with or without your h in the picture.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My dear LouR - I'm so sorry I missed giving you birthday greetings! Happy belated.
I wish I could send it to you in person but there's a favourite book I would suggest you try to find and think of it as a gift from me. I don't think / hope that I'll violate any policies on the forum with this recommendation.
It's by a renowned Canadian (of course) author Robert Munsch and is called The Paper Bag Princess. I think you might be able to find it online. Yes, it's a children's book and yes you can probably read it in under 2 minutes. I hope you do.
Self-rescuing princesses are "the best".
Lots of hugs.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Happy, happy belated birthday Lou. I am sorry I haven't checked on your thread but reading your latest update made me wish I could cheer you up in person. I have dealt with thyroid issues and if you toss in drops in our estrogen then it is no wonder you feel off kilter emotionally and physically. The thyroid and our hormone levels have an impact on our entire endocrine and metabolic system. Everything from whether we feel hot or cold to our sleep patterns. It can affect our hair, nails and teeth. Also things like vitamins absorbed from the food we eat and whether we are constipated. The thyroid is a delicate thermostat so please don't ever neglect your medication and treatment plan. It is not selfish to make yourself the main priority in your life. It is the best way to ensure that your family and friends are able to enjoy you healthy and strong. In return you are better able to enjoy them and/or deal with the inevitable curves thrown your way. Be self oriented Lou and don't apologize for putting yourself first.
I am sorry about H. Job always has such wonderful empathy and practical wisdom. The thing about grief and detachment is we all have our own way of working through things in our own time. It is excruciating to realize that we have to slog through it if we hope to be able to write a new chapter in our lives where we are not defined as a LBS.
It is ok to grieve Lou. You don't have to be optimistic every day. Give yourself a break and just tackle it hour by hour if you must. My only have to is the doctor because you must be your own best caregiver and advocate. Don't skimp on anything to do with your own care. I have a feeling if you are ruthless about your own care you'll be able to work through this funk in no time at all.
I love your friend's thoughtful gift. A road trip is so full of possibilities just like you!
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Hi Lou, I'm sorry you didn't receive birthday wishes from your H. In the 3 years since our S, XH never managed to send birthday wishes - but one year he did remember 2 weeks later and sent belated wishes and an apology..TBH, his disregard of my birthday did help me come to expect little or nothing from him and it stopped hurting so much.
I agree with others about the thyroid and I would certainly persist with that. It may be useful to read around the subject yourself too if you haven't done so already..I hope when things settle, you feel much better in yourself.
My heart leaped for you at the mention of road trips.....what a lovely present and it sounds as though some adventures lie ahead for you...and all the fun of planning these too.
Take care Lou xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Everyone, I just realised it’s been a while since I last updated my thread, so here I am.
Life has not been that eventful, which I suppose is good in a way. Guy friend decided to jump the friend boundary and tell me he wanted us to be more, long story short he did not accept my gentle let down and pushed it, we fell out, he became a child and pouted but eventually got over it. He made me feel uncomfortable, challenging what I was saying to him, it had hints of how H used to speak to me, making me feel guilty or sorry for him so he would get his own way. It unsettled me, but I was really pleased with myself for standing my ground and saying no, this is not what I want and you will not treat me this way. So if nothing else positive comes of h leaving me, I have learnt that I deserve to be treated with total respect, my opinion is valid and I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life than allow another tool in it!
Health wise – my thyroid blood test showed my meds were not working so my Dr has doubled the dose, I have been on the new dose for a couple of weeks now, can’t say I notice a difference but will know end of August. HRT WOW!!!! I am still getting the hot flushes but as for the crazy emotional crashes (seriously, I would cry at everything, even the evening news) they are pretty much gone, I have the odd blubbing moment but I put that down to still processing my loss of life, love and the universe as I knew it. Sleep is better, I am able to get up in the mornings without propping my eyes open with sticks and doing the slide n peel off the bed, I feel a normal functioning person. The biggest difference is my outlook on life and what has happened, I see so much more clearly now ….almost like a fog has lifted lol … whilst the sadness and loss of h is still felt I now have more focus on the future and have decided that I would like to buy my own home in the future, my Boho Beach Bach. I have created a savings plan to get a deposit together, if I stay on track then I should have enough by this time next year. It’s going to be tough and I am going to have to live on the bare minimum to achieve my goal, but the more I see my savings rise, the more I can see my fantasy becoming a reality. The good news is that not only have saved up more than what I lost when h came back for his “moment” I am already 33% of the way to my target.
I am conscious that I still enjoy life a bit, so have been doing lots of walking and have started doing my crafts again. My latest craze is Macrame, I have collected some drift wood from the beach to make a macrame headboard for my bed. I am also looking forward to getting out in my tent once summer arrives.
Work is going ok, I have been doing lots of extra hours and shifts; the extra pay goes straight in to my savings. Guy friend has been ok to work with despite all that has happened between us and I will be getting more help front of house in the spring which will good.
Both s are good, s20 did not make it past his 90 day trial, apparently the boss does this and does not keep trainees past the trial time so he does not have to pay them more. It’s a pain for me financially but I am hopeful he will get another job soon. He went to see his dad for 4 days and came back wanting to move …. It’s the same every time he visits him …his dad treated him to a activity filled weekend and bought him some new clothes. Shame he has not stepped up to help s20 out while he is unemployed ….oh wait, that is my job …hmmm.
As for H, well it’s been 9 months and nothing from him. I occasionally wonder how we have got here; from friends to lovers to life partners to non-existent, as it seems that I now no longer exist. Do I still have the fantasy of him waking up one day to realise who he walked away from and fight for me – Yep – but I am realistic and my expectation of that ever happening is a big zero. I can’t see how it is even possible now, he has made it clear that I have no place in his life, not even an acknowledgement as the mother of his children, so sad.
So that’s really about all from me, I am moving along, focused on saving for my beach house, keeping myself to myself and starting to find inner peace.
I am still reading along and post when I feel I have something useful to contribute. I hope everyone is doing ok, love and hugs to you all xoxo
He made me feel uncomfortable, challenging what I was saying to him, it had hints of how H used to speak to me, making me feel guilty or sorry for him so he would get his own way. It unsettled me, but I was really pleased with myself for standing my ground and saying no, this is not what I want and you will not treat me this way. So if nothing else positive comes of h leaving me, I have learnt that I deserve to be treated with total respect, my opinion is valid and I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life than allow another tool in it!
Honestly, Lou as I read this I got chills. I think this person was put in your life to show you how far you've come on this front. Well done!!! You ABSOLUTELY deserve total respect! While it can't have been pleasant, I'm so happy for you to have had this experience so you can see how much you've grown from this horrible experience we are all going through.
I'm so happy you're working with the doctor on addressing the thyroid issues. I'm glad the HRT is helping as well. I'm so glad you feel like you can function normally. I've worried about you xoxo
I'm thrilled to read you have this goal of owning your own beach house, and even more delighted to read that you're 1/3 of the way towards your deposit. Have you read back in your threads to see how far you've come?
Macrame, huh? I don't know why but I got this idea reading about your macrame and driftwood project that you might be able to sell some of this work and add that $$$ to the savings account. What do you think?
And if it's successful enough, it could turn into a regular income stream for you!
I'm glad it's not awkward at work with guy friend. That tells me even more that this was a test for you Lou and you've passed with flying colors!!
I'm sorry about s20's employer. He will find something soon. Maybe it wouldn't be bad for him to go live with his dad for a bit, see that the grass isn't greener past the holiday.
In terms of exh, I know what you mean. How did we get here? How does one spend more than half one's life with another person, have children with them, finish each other's sentences and end up here of all places?! I'm grateful I'm not that kind of person and I would guess you feel the same.
Originally Posted By: LouR
Do I still have the fantasy of him waking up one day to realise who he walked away from and fight for me – Yep – but I am realistic and my expectation of that ever happening is a big zero. I can’t see how it is even possible now, he has made it clear that I have no place in his life, not even an acknowledgement as the mother of his children, so sad.
Yes, I know this well. It's not so much a fantasy for me as it is the knowledge that at some point in the future my exh will realize what he's done but it will be far too little too late in my case. I cannot go back to that existence. I'm so much more aware of what I want in a relationship, what I will and won't put up with. Sometimes knowing what you don't want is just as important as knowing what you do want.
And, in the spirit of DB, I have to also point out that we don't know how your h feels one way or another and we shouldn't assume.
I do want to ask, and hope it's not intrusive. You're saving and working so hard so you can buy your home, yet you are still legally married. Will he have any legal claim to your assets? How does it work in NZ? Please check into that. You've worked too hard to have to split anything, you know what I mean?
Originally Posted By: LouR
I am moving along, focused on saving for my beach house, keeping myself to myself and starting to find inner peace.
I'm so happy to read this. I've missed you my friend. Much love, hugs, health and happiness to you. Don't be a stranger! Mwah :* xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
