Wife moved to parents on opposite coast #3

[Thornton]

It does make sense but you need to remember one thing...

Her perception of you is her reality.

I don't think a letter is going to cause her some big epiphany that you really loved her. I think she already knows you loved her, you married her.

[25yearsmlc]

Cali

I don't think your situation and Thornton's were very similar - No offense Thornton,

Cali, you were married, your w talked specifically about what was bothering her for awhile, and she has a medical issue you continue to "treat" yourself - i.e. deny her the treatment she seeks or where, b/c you "really believe" you are right and she is wrong.

Hey, I don't mean to hit you when you are down, and I know you are down. I'm sorry buddy.

I never understood why you didn't fly out way back when, and I will never understand why you didn't switch jobs.

But I accept those were your choices and here you are.

So, what now?

You need to start the healing process no matter what, AND you need to decide IF you want to wait things out and only work on yourself ---

or what?

What are you will to DO if there is no guarantee of getting her back?

[25yearsmlc]

PS

I do not think a letter will achieve anything at all, and you will again be banking on something that's got no chance of creating some seismic change in her.

IF this is all about her own issues and nothing at all about living far from her parents and family and friends....

and nothing at all to do with your marriage,

then time will reveal that and MAYBE she will look you up in a year, or 5.

meanwhile, what are you going to do and again, seriously,

how would the marriage be different now than before?

Please please be specific

[Cali08]

PS

I do not think a letter will achieve anything at all, and you will again be banking on something that's got no chance of creating some seismic change in her.

IF this is all about her own issues and nothing at all about living far from her parents and family and friends....

and nothing at all to do with your marriage,

then time will reveal that and MAYBE she will look you up in a year, or 5.

meanwhile, what are you going to do and again, seriously,

how would the marriage be different now than before?

Please please be specific

I didn't fly out because she didn't want me to and she needed time and space, which I honored! That is the simple truth. I am fine and I will continue to be fine. Again I am not banking on the letter achieving anything from her. The letter is for me! It is what I want to do to send this marriage off.

I really do think she hasn't and still doesn't know herself and it's happy inside. When we first started dating she told me she was screwed up and asked if I could help her. She was going through some depression and I told I would be there for her.

In 1 year or 5 years I will be living my life for the better with or without her and I am not such a person to sit around and wait on her. I will give it the 6 months until the divorce is final and that's all I care to do. If she decides to look me up down the road it better be quick because I will definitely be moving on. I don't force people to be in my life or to like me. People like that are not worth it to me. Once I make up my mind on someone not being worth it she will have a lot of changing to do. If she tries to get back with me and I am not involved with someone else by that time and I actually agree to give it another try it will be on my terms.

I am the only one who is learning from this situation and the only one who is honestly changing for the better. She is going to have the same issues she has with me in her next relationship and if it's with the guy I think it is it won't last long. She is way to smart for him and out of his league. The first sign of her back problem I know he won't pick her up and carry her on his back. The first time he see's one of her episodes he will tuck tail and run. That is the kind of guy he is. She will find it's not greener on the other side. He won't have a family that is like mine to support her 100% either. This guy is no good for her, but he is saying what she wants to hear, so be it. My wife needs to find happiness in herself before she will ever be able to be happy with someone else. The next time she has an issue she will do the same thing and start shedding things and run away from it instead of facing it and learning to work to get better.

If there is a new light that I have started to look at my wife in it is that of being a coward.... unfortunately. I at least, even in the light of a bleak future, with all my wife's problems didn't run from it and instead stepped up to take care of her. It's going to be a very rude awakening for my wife when other guys don't want to have to deal with the kind of baggage she is bringing along. It will be her loss for not trying to better herself when she had the chance. I will not fall victim to that!

[25yearsmlc]

I had another thought go through my head while talking with a buddy of mine last night. My wife told me that she changed for me and wasn't the person she used to be, which again I never asked her to do. I may have been looking at it in the wrong way and I have see some new insights now to that statement.

In the beginning my wife told me a few times, before we were married, that I was too good for her and she was poison to me. I didn't believe that all and told her it wasn't true. I may not have truly understood where it was coming from. So here is a little about me.



I have never had drugs in my life. I have never had a sip of alcohol in my life, let alone even drink soda or anything but water for the most part. I have been eating extremely healthy since I was 12 when I decided to stop drinking soda cold turkey and eating sweets, yes my will power is that strong. I have been really into fitness and I really dedicate myself to being healthy.

my h could have written this^^^. He'd mention my weight (I'm not heavy, either). He would hurt and subtly control/ shame me. Constantly discussing "healthy foods" and "bad ones". Our d's have food issues and struggle to not feel guilty about their food choices. No sugar, soda or gluten for the strong willed people, (b/c only weak people eat that...was the message.)

I would not date a man who told me he was "dedicated himself to being healthy" if he weren't a physical trainer and even then... I'd see it as extreme, and imbalanced. Not at all moderate.

These^^ are insights for sure...but perhaps not the ones you are believing...


I have really strong morals

or, could they be seen as "rigid rules which I unspokenly lord over others" ???

and I am a man of my word. I'm an old school and believe in giving my word and a hand shake is enough for me to stick to what I promised someone.

My wife liked this a lot about me and would mention it often how strong I was and not just physically, but emotionally and mentally too and she looked up to it.


men like being admired by their wives. I understand this. But when the need for the admiration gets too high on the "strong" person's part, or the acceptance of the other NOT being as rigid gets too low, problems ensue


I can see that she tried to be a better person because of it, but I think it backfired on her.


Backfired on whom?

She does like to drink, not to the point of being an alcoholic of course, but liked to have a few glasses of wine in the evening. It didn't bother me of course and I even poured it for her often, but she felt a bit guilty doing it I think.

why did you pour her drinks and allow her to feel guilty about it?

How reassuring Were you to her that it was not a "flaw in her" which having some wine reflected, but an actual choice an adult woman is entitled to make and not be judged for?


She has done some drugs, nothing hard, but smoked pot and she had talked about wanting to do it again thinking it would help her health issues and even her episodes she has.

I could go on with more of course, but you get the idea. In a nutshell she wasn't as strong as me in a lot of ways

oh really? I do not read this as you being strong. I read this^^ as judgmental rigidity on your end. I'm sorry but this is news to me.

Btw, I had grand mal seizures for the first time in my life just 7 months ago, & my neurologist flat out asked me if I'd consider using "medical marijuana, not the kind you buy off the street b/c that may have additives. Almost a 1/3 of my patients respond well to it..."

(My kids were delighted to hear this, of course).


and especially emotionally and mentally, but I accepted my wife for who she was. She is the one who made the changes to be more like me and even when she did that I accepted it, again I never asked her too.

with your attitude, how could she not feel a"need to change"?? Do you hear yourself?

This^^ information is new to me, btw.


I think she felt I was to good for her and she couldn't live up to my standards.

I have never been someone to push how I do things onto others.

these^^ 2 sentences flat out contradict each other.

Shoot in my family and groups of friends not one of them are to these standards, but I love them just the same.

Cali, listen to yourself.

-She used to constantly tell me how good I was to her until the last year of our marriage where I pulled away from her a little bit in light of things that were happening.

To put it another way, "when she did not live up to MY standards I pulled away & withheld my love for her.

I did not love them the same at all.
....

Anyway I feel that this was a new realization for me and I wonder if it is true or at least how much of it was a factor.

I know you are hurt but man, there is some justifiable pain in your w and it's Not all about her emotional/mental illness which you've pretty much said all along.

You were generic about your role but this now makes more sense. which is actually good news for you in the long run.

much to ponder, wouldn't you say?

[leahsue]

25, I was really wondering when, and if, you would show up here again. Geez, you have talked and talked to Cali, and he is STILL NOT LISTENING to you, or any of the rest of us. I'm glad you checked back in. I know you have your own hurts going on right now, but you are still hanging in there, trying to help the rest of us.
I'm so very, very thankful, for you.
Cali, PLEASE listen to her.
She is wise, and knows of what she speaks.
But, hey, you go ahead and write that letter, and hand-deliver it to her, and then sit and wait for the reaction that you are obviously looking for her to deliver..... and then we will still be here for you.
Best of luck, friend. And I mean that sincerely. You can't say we haven't ALL given it the old college try.

[Cali08]

It's as if no one hears what I am saying about the letter. I don't give a damn about her reaction to it because it is for me. I want to get thing off my chest and clear things up she thought that are simply not true.

Now 25year you told me earlier to go see her and everyone else is saying not too, so what is it?

Thinking you know me by what I wrote up above isn't even close. This is the problem with writing a letter and why I am being so careful in writing it. Because I have standards for myself that I keep has nothing to do with how I treat other people. That is just ridiculous. I never pushed my wife to change or be different because of the way I want to live. No one knows of my standards unless they ask me directly.

Do you think for one minute that I would actually want to marry someone I couldn't stand how they lived? My wife was also a health nut in her own way. She was an extremely healthy eater and cook. She was crazy about what we had to clean ourselves and our house and would get down right angry if I used something she considered a chemical to clean the house. I don't judge people for what they want to do. I would say that there is more judgment past towards me because I am so clean in my living. I get people telling me "I can't trust someone who doesn't drink" kind of crap all the time, but who cares!

I never shamed my wife about her looks or weight. My wife is absolutely gorgeous! I don't talk about health foods or even discuss it. I eat how I'm going to eat and my wife ate what she wanted to eat. Of course she couldn't have gluten or dairy because she was allergic to them. Your husband sounds pushy and calling people weak for eating what they wanted.... I have never done that. I just told you that I have a very strong will to do what I do. I would never think someone is imbalanced for eating healthy and being healthy.

Saying that I would lord over people because I have strong morals for myself is not right either. Why would you come to that conclusion? I don't worry about what other do in their life. I am merely explaining that because I was in such a way with the way I lived my life, my wife tried to change to be more like me and in turn felt she couldn't keep up with it. She never told me this, but this what I have concluded in putting two and two together.

I never asked or needed for my wife to admire me I was just telling you what she told me. It was simply her stating that she admired those qualities above and it was probably because I wasn't an A-hole about it. I know what it would be like to be pressured by people to be a certain way and it [censored]. You don't think that people constantly tried to pressure me to drink or take drugs? I got it all the time, especially when people find out I have never done either one before. I was strong willed and I stayed true to what I wanted to do for myself. Why would I want to lord over others and try to push them into how I lived my life? That is way more work than it is worth. If I naturally influence someone to be healthier just by being around them than that is fine, but trying to control is over the top and I wouldn't waste my time on it.

I poured her drinks because she asked me to do it for her. Most of the time she was all snuggled up on the couch with a good book and would ask me to do it for her. I was being a good husband. She felt guilty all on her own because she would finish a bottle of wine and say so. This had nothing to do with me. I didn't have to be reassuring to her. If she wanted to drink wine she drank wine. It was totally up to her. The only time I would ever mention anything about her drinking is if she was out with friends and I wasn't there to just be careful and if she drinks to much to call me.

I must have done a horrible job in writing that or I was just to straight forward and blunt because I seem to have painted myself in a horrible light. My wife had her own standards and I had nothing to do with that. She came with them and it wasn't a factor in why I chose her. I liked the fact that my wife wasn't exactly the same as me because it brought variety into my life. I think that sometimes what I write is looked at a little to deeply and things get skewed. I pulled away from my wife because of multiple reasons and none of them were because she didn't live up to my so called standards. She knew exactly how I was before we started dating let alone got married and she still chose me too.

You keep saying this is news to me. What do you mean by that? Do you now think I am pushy controlling over lord of my wife?

Exactly what do you mean by this is good for me in the long run. You have to be much clearer with me as you guys have pointed out I am hard headed.

Leahsue - 25year has been here the whole time and comments the most often which I really appreciate. I hope I don't come off as being rude to people because I kind of got that feeling.

What I am ultimately gathering from being on here is that I just need to be divorced and ignore that I even had a wife and move on as the best option. It seems so much like giving up and I'm not talking about begging my wife. I am just talking about showing that I still love her. Walking away sends a clear message to her that she really doesn't matter to me. This kind of thinking has been told to me by my wife. That she never mattered to me and I really didn't care because of the issues we had. Yet I am here getting advice by everyone to just walk away and hope she comes around. This is why I am so on the fence with it.

It's getting to the point to where I am tired of even thinking about it and I am looking everyday for those divorce papers to show up. I don't want and have never wanted to force my wife to love me let alone to just like me. I seemed to be confused with contradicting info on the dating sights I have been through and what you guys say and what the one coaching session I had. The most pleasing idea to me is not go dark. It just seems like the easiest thing to do, but it also feels like it isn't quite right in my situation. The more I have detached from my wife the more it seems I have pushed her away to the point of her now actually wanting a divorce.

[Cali08]

Correction to the to above. I meant "The most pleasing thing to me is to go dark."

[Sotto]

Hi Cali, sorry you are having a rough time of things. I just want to chip in that (in general) I don't think letter writing is a good idea - other than to perhaps get things off your chest and then burn the letter if that helps. I journaled a lot in the early days and it does help to get all these whirling thoughts from the mind, through the hand and onto paper or screen.
We don't need to include our spouse in that and I think it is best we don't.

I haven't read your whole sitch, just your last post - but it sounds as though there has been some feeback from posters, which may have stung....normally that's the stuff that may well be worth exploring.

From what you post, it sounds as though you are wanting to prod and poke at your situation to 'move it' towards an outcome. Actually, it is often much better to step back and do nothing, let some time pass. It is hard to achieve that, as we feel such a drive to do 'something' - but I have found peace and strength in letting things go, working on me and rebuilding my own life.

I can remember watching the post box, wondering if divorce papers might be in there - and it isn't nice. Mine came by email in the end, and I was kind of glad that I only had them as 'virtual' papers!

I would encourage you to keep posting and carry on with DB coach sessions too. Try and manage your frustration and explore things that others are suggesting to you. In general, it is best not to try to 'do something about' your situation - and to try to 'do things for yourself.' In my situation, I did sit back a lot, let XH initiate, responded minimally and pleasantly - and (really important) set about rebuilding my own life without him. Now, he never did turn back to the marriage, and that was always up to him as it is any spouse. But as time has passed, I have come to see that what really matters to me is what I have learned from this difficult period, who I managed to be, how I handled myself, whether I am at peace with my choices..

XH has become someone who came and went from my life - as people may do. And I am fine with that. I dug deep and followed advice to try and save my marriage and it mattered to me a lot. There is peace in knowing that too - I did all that I could.

So - the biggest message - try and take the focus off her and off needing to do something, anything about your situation. Instead step back, let go and leave her be. Start to make plans for yourself and how you want your life to become in the event she doesn't turn back. She may or she may not. And if she does, you can consider things at that point....no harm done....and you will have moved forward in any case and seen that a good life without her is entirely possible.

Best of luck with things :-)

[leahsue]

Cali,
If I was too harsh with you yesterday in my comments, I apologize. I've been following your posts from the very beginning and have read anything others replied to you.
You have to do what feels right to you, and I respect that.
Best of luck to you!