The questions you need to ask yourself if you would like to "spend some time with her" is...
Does my W want to spend time with me? Or am I forcing myself on her? If my W has filed for divorce, does she want to read my letter about getting back together?
You're gonna have to be honest with yourself, Cali. Just my opinion.
I haven't asked or told her of my plan yet, but I will tell her. I am actually going to the same area to visit a buddy of mine and I was going to tell her I was in town and would like to spend some time with her. I told her I was going to write her a letter the first conversation we had about divorce and she seemed a bit angry that it's been two weeks and I haven't done it yet. The truth is she just hasn't got it yet because I want it to be right before I give it to her and it isn't super easy for me to write when I have so many thoughts running through my head. She did say she would read the letter or if I wanted to read it to her that would be fine too.
Again, the letter feels like something out of a movie where vomit your feelings all over her and she reads it, cries and comes running into your arms.
Letters equal expectations.
Haha! Noooo!! I am not the kind of person to write a super mushy letter and I did write a letter already that I posted up, but it wasn't that great because it was super watered down and I was writing it consciously so to speak and not just speaking naturally. A letter doesn't equal expectations to me at all. It is speaking honestly and getting closure and that is why I want to write it so bad. It feels like getting a weight off my chest and again there will be no begging in it at all. I don't want my letter to come off in the wrong way like I am begging or, like you say, vomiting my feelings out to her and that is why I will post it up here first. I just want to state what I think and know and be done. Each time I talk to my wife about things it makes me feel better. I just want to make sure she knows that I really did love her and that I didn't mean or want for this to happen. Does that make sense?
Cali, She has TOLD you why she doesn't want to be married to you anymore. Just because you don't agree with her, or happen to think those reasons can be worked through, or (I can't believe you actually brought this up again, but there it is....) that your FRIENDS think she is over-reacting and that she's crazy to not want to be with you, that does NOT NEGATE the fact that she has told you she doesn't want to be married to you. Yes, you are extremely hard-headed. Every single person on here keeps telling you the same thing- LET HER GO. Believe me, she knows you don't want the marriage to end. Be the strong man you keep reminding us that you are, and agree to give her what she keeps asking for- to be let go. If she's ever going to change her mind, it will be if she thinks she's lost you. And if you keep pursuing her, she is never going to think that. Forget what YOU think she needs, for now. I think everyone on here would love nothing more than to see her change her mind and come back to you. But I also think most are in agreement that you are still not listening to what you don't want to hear. I'm with LH19- if it makes you feel better, tell her ONE MORE TIME, in two sentences or less, that you would love to see the marriage survive, but if she still thinks a divorce will make her happy, respect her enough to give her that, sign the papers, and move on.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Cali - everyone here says the same thing, including me.
"All of our friends were shocked" "Everyone thought we were the best couple" "Even W's friends are against her"
^^^ None of that matters, Cali. Because she's gone. The relationship you had with your W was no more special than anyone else's relationship here.
Everyone here can tell you stories about how great their marriage was before the bomb.
Cali, I don't want you to think we are against you. We are offering our sincere, most honest, advice to get your W back.
If you MUST confront W with a letter etc, then go for it. But don't be surprised when she does not react the way you expect her to, she filed for divorce. She's not the same girl you married and she is not thinking like how you are used to her thinking.
^^^ That's why they call it fog. Because it's like they become the exact opposite of how we remember them.
Cali - everyone here says the same thing, including me.
"All of our friends were shocked" "Everyone thought we were the best couple" "Even W's friends are against her"
^^^ None of that matters, Cali. Because she's gone. The relationship you had with your W was no more special than anyone else's relationship here.
Everyone here can tell you stories about how great their marriage was before the bomb.
Cali, I don't want you to think we are against you. We are offering our sincere, most honest, advice to get your W back.
If you MUST confront W with a letter etc, then go for it. But don't be surprised when she does not react the way you expect her to, she filed for divorce. She's not the same girl you married and she is not thinking like how you are used to her thinking.
I am not expecting any kind of reaction other then she understands me and that there isn't anything left in question and I think the best way to do that is with a letter because I can say it all there and then walk away. I really do want to just hand it to her and be done with it.
^^^ That's why they call it fog. Because it's like they become the exact opposite of how we remember them.
She definitely isn't the same person in some ways. I know she isn't thinking right and I honestly think she doesn't know what is going on let alone understand the situation.
I guess the best thing I can hope for now is that she keeps paying the phone bill! LOL!
I always thought that after BD, if I could just put the right words in the right order at the right time, my relationship could be saved. Kinda like the game Frogger -- if I could just wait and get all of the pieces in exactly the right order, iat some specific moment in time, I would be able to hop all the way across to the other side.
I really wish it worked that way. Ive read so many people only here write that "one last letter", that deep, heartfelt promise for change and I dont think Ive seen one positive response.
Like the others are saying, the most likely positive response is to let her go. My coach told me this mantra (Im kind of paraphrasing because it was a while ago that I heard this) "I dont agree that divorce is the best solution, but I love and respect you enough to let you go if that is what you choose."
Honestly, what more do you need to say than that? It conveys that you are listening. It conveys your love. It conveys your stance on divorce. Thats all you can hope to get out of a letter anyway; the rest is all wind.
I always thought that after BD, if I could just put the right words in the right order at the right time, my relationship could be saved. Kinda like the game Frogger -- if I could just wait and get all of the pieces in exactly the right order, iat some specific moment in time, I would be able to hop all the way across to the other side.
I really wish it worked that way. Ive read so many people only here write that "one last letter", that deep, heartfelt promise for change and I dont think Ive seen one positive response.
Like the others are saying, the most likely positive response is to let her go. My coach told me this mantra (Im kind of paraphrasing because it was a while ago that I heard this) "I dont agree that divorce is the best solution, but I love and respect you enough to let you go if that is what you choose."
Honestly, what more do you need to say than that? It conveys that you are listening. It conveys your love. It conveys your stance on divorce. Thats all you can hope to get out of a letter anyway; the rest is all wind.
Thanks and that's good insight. My reason for the letter is not to get her back, but to clear the air and that is the different from what other have done as far as I can tell. I feel it's my best way of having closure with this and feeling that I didn't give up.
My reason for the letter is not to get her back, but to clear the air. I feel it's my best way of having closure with this and feeling that I didn't give up.
I guess maybe I (and from the way this thread has gone, We) am confused about is what this really means. If you want to apologize for certain things, then fine [though to me, an apology is only that - you kind of send it to the abyss without any expectation].
So what do you want to say to 'clear the air' without any expectation of a response?
In a nutshell to let her know that I really did love her and she was my priority. Just to dispel some of the things she was thinking that, even though she felt they were true, they weren't. I just want her to know that she really did mean the world to me and I really wanted her to be happy. I feel the letter is the best way to do. It's kind of my way of saying goodbye I guess and it will give me closure. Does that make sense?
