Leahsue - Supposedly I have divorce papers on the way. I at least kept the peace with her and she wants absolutely nothing from me. When I talked to her about things after the text she sent me about the divorce I could still detect, or at least I think I can, a little anger and resentment. I know you say I am speeding up her decision to get out, but isn't that her goal with the divorce papers? She asked me just to sign them and that is it.
I have said before that I am not using it as an excuse to contact her and I really am not. Trust me when I say it's much easier to sit back and stop contact. The truth of the matter was that I was actually doing a radio silence with her when this came about. I had gone a week without texting her at all and then she sends me a text about 2 am her time to say hi. Just going no where chit chat back and forth a little and when she asked me how my day went I didn't respond because I was driving, which I did let her know. I ended up texting her about 30 min later and said goodnight because I knew she would be sleeping by then. The next day is when I got the text about the divorce papers on the way. I believe she was testing me on how I reacted to her text the night before and I don't think it wasn't the first time she did it either because she mentioned, in so many words, on the phone to me about that exact thing.
So how does letting her go and not contacting her help me in my situation? I would love to do this honestly, but I think she takes that as a sign that I simple don't care enough about her. Of course I have told her over the phone many times that it isn't true. I also think there is another guy sweet talking her too and I am sure he is also pushing for the divorce. So how does just signing the paper work and then not contacting her go in my favor? I just have the sinking feeling that it isn't the right thing to do. I am thinking of taking a week and flying out to Virginia to get face to face with her to talk about things. It's just too easy for her to be so far away and having people whisper in her ear and not have to face the music in my opinion. I feel that I have to show her that I care enough to go after her and show up, so she knows that I am true to my word about keeping the marriage going.
Your advice and Thornton's advice is to sign the paper work and stop talking to her, is that correct? My plan is to write another letter and hand deliver it to her and ask her to spend time with me to talk about things a little so I can better understand how things went wrong. I really only want to take small amounts of time while I am there to talk about things. Other than that I just want to enjoy myself and if she would tag along then I could see if we can even just have fun together still. I was also thinking that I was going to ask her to be relationship free until the divorce is final to honor the marriage and respect each other. In California it's 6 months until the divorce is final. I still remains to be seen as to what the paper work says, which she did while being in Virginia, so I have to make sure it's through California for it to be legal I believe, but not really clear on that honestly.
So how does letting her go and not contacting her help me in my situation? I would love to do this honestly, but I think she takes that as a sign that I simple don't care enough about her. Of course I have told her over the phone many times that it isn't true.
Originally Posted By: Cali08
I am thinking of taking a week and flying out to Virginia to get face to face with her to talk about things.
My plan is to write another letter and hand deliver it to her and ask her to spend time with me to talk about things a little so I can better understand how things went wrong.
Why do you think that more words are the answer here?
As 25 has asked you many times, what would fundamentally be different this time?
Cali - your W isn't divorcing you because you went a few weeks of no contact.
She left you before she even left California. She had been thinking about this for a long time.
IMO, the ONLY way she might think about trying again is if she feels the full consequences of not having you in her life.
When you text her regarding her cramps "I hate those!" and "So glad you are feeling better!". It comes across as fake to me (no offense intended), and I'm sure she can see you trying to "nice" yourself back into her life.
Personally, I DB according to what I've read in Divorce Remedy. Michelle writes that she can't guarantee what will work. BUT, she can guarantee what doesn't work.
The advice that I have read regarding this stuff is pretty universal, don't chase a WAS. Google it and you will see a bunch of websites that say the same thing.
Again, not trying to rain on your parade. I know you are in pain. But please listen to the vets here, many of which have been here for years and years and have seen newbies come here trying every trick in the book to get their marriages back.
Detach. Let her go. Let her date if she wants to. True love is respecting her decision to leave you. Let her see you as a strong man capable of letting her go. And MAYBE, just maybe, she will look back at you with a new sense of respect which will in turn cause her to entertain the thought of another chance at your relationship.
Cali - your W isn't divorcing you because you went a few weeks of no contact.
She left you before she even left California. She had been thinking about this for a long time.
IMO, the ONLY way she might think about trying again is if she feels the full consequences of not having you in her life.
When you text her regarding her cramps "I hate those!" and "So glad you are feeling better!". It comes across as fake to me (no offense intended), and I'm sure she can see you trying to "nice" yourself back into her life.
Not fake at all. First of all you have to know what I was talking about and it certainly wasn't her cramps. She has been have episodes with convulsions to the point of not being able to control herself with that comes extreme moods changes and an very quick spike in temperature to the point of fever. So yes I do hate those and she should absolutely know I do hate those. I had to bath, feed her and carry her around so she could even function during those episodes. No matter what happens between us I don't think she deserves those!
Personally, I DB according to what I've read in Divorce Remedy. Michelle writes that she can't guarantee what will work. BUT, she can guarantee what doesn't work.
The advice that I have read regarding this stuff is pretty universal, don't chase a WAS. Google it and you will see a bunch of websites that say the same thing.
Again, not trying to rain on your parade. I know you are in pain. But please listen to the vets here, many of which have been here for years and years and have seen newbies come here trying every trick in the book to get their marriages back.
Detach. Let her go. Let her date if she wants to. True love is respecting her decision to leave you. Let her see you as a strong man capable of letting her go. And MAYBE, just maybe, she will look back at you with a new sense of respect which will in turn cause her to entertain the thought of another chance at your relationship.
Hang in there, man. We are rooting for you.
I agree that I have read the same thing many times, but every time I have pulled further away from her it speed things up. This is the problem I have with it and the fact that all situations are different. The one coaching session I did, the coach even said that I should still contact her in my case. If she was living in the same area I could understand this much more, but she is just so far out of sight that it makes my situation that much harder. I am really torn with what to do or even what I want anymore.
The one thing I have is my word and and the vows that I took. Just for my own self respect and well being I need to make sure I have done everything I possible could have and didn't give up on our marriage. I may have help start us in this direction, but I will not be the one who really gives up and stops trying. I wish I really knew that giving space was the right thing to do, but every time I do it seems to solidify her feelings of what she is doing as right even more. This is not just me speculating either. Through conversations with her and the fact that me not being there for her was an initial problem then I just can't shake the idea that it's might not be the right thing in my situation and I just want to do my best to make things right and really put my effort into doing the right thing.
Other than what I planned to do up above my other option that I am thinking about is exactly what you talk about. I sign the papers and never talk to her again. This just reeks of giving up to me and I refuse to be the one who gives up on the marriage. I have talked to her before about loving her enough to let her go, but it just seemed to be talk and lies like a lot of other things she says to me right now. In my heart and head I feel that I need to show that I will pursue her and love her enough to come after her. What girl doesn't want their man to fight for them and come for them. I think their is an important factor to consider here when telling me that I am doing things like others so often have that have failed. The one thing I will not do and have not done is cry, beg and plead. I have to much respect for myself to do that for anybody who is trying to leave my life. Yes I am pursuing her, but I do it in confidence and I am not weak about it. I don't put her above me or put her on a pedestal for me to bow down at her feet. When I talk to her she is the emotional one and I am the clear headed one. I am very direct with her and tell her I want to honor our vows and have faith in our marriage to work. Trails and tribulations like these will do nothing, but strengthen our relationship and bring it to a much greater understanding. I also don't have years and years of issue and failures in my marriage. It was basically a year of her feeling this way and we had only been married for 2 years. We are still pretty much newly weds. The first couple years are always the hardest, especially when one or both makes drastic changes.
Please poke as many holes in my way of thinking as possible because it really does bring my more understanding each time. I may be a little hard headed at times too.
I would just like to chime in with my opinion. The bs about pursing/fighting for the woman only works in the movies.
How about one last phone call "Honey I love you and I adore you and I want to work this out. If you think a divorce will make you happy I will sign the papers. If you change your mind in the future give me a call".
I had another thought go through my head while talking with a buddy of mine last night. My wife told me that she changed for me and wasn't the person she used to be, which again I never asked her to do. I may have been looking at it in the wrong way and I have see some new insights now to that statement.
In the beginning my wife told me a few times, before we were married, that I was too good for her and she was poison to me. I didn't believe that all and told her it wasn't true. I may not have truly understood where it was coming from. So here is a little about me. I have never had drugs in my life. I have never had a sip of alcohol in my life, let alone even drink soda or anything but water for the most part. I have been eating extremely healthy since I was 12 when I decided to stop drinking soda cold turkey and eating sweets, yes my will power is that strong. I have been really into fitness and I really dedicate myself to being healthy. I have really strong morals and I am a man of my word. I'm an old school and believe in giving my word and a hand shake is enough for me to stick to what I promised someone.
My wife liked this a lot about me and would mention it often how strong I was and not just physically, but emotionally and mentally too and she looked up to it. I can see that she tried to be a better person because of it, but I think it backfired on her. She does like to drink, not to the point of being an alcoholic of course, but liked to have a few glasses of wine in the evening. It didn't bother me of course and I even poured it for her often, but she felt a bit guilty doing it I think. She has done some drugs, nothing hard, but smoked pot and she had talked about wanting to do it again thinking it would help her health issues and even her episodes she has. I could go on with more of course, but you get the idea. In a nutshell she wasn't as strong as me in a lot of ways and especially emotionally and mentally, but I accepted my wife for who she was. She is the one who made the changes to be more like me and even when she did that I accepted it, again I never asked her too.
I think she felt I was to good for her and she couldn't live up to my standards. I have never been someone to push how I do things onto others. Shoot in my family and groups of friends not one of them are to these standards, but I love them just the same. I decided it was how I was going to live my life at a very young age and that is what I have done since then. I felt that my wife and I were a good mix and evened each other out. She used to constantly tell me how good I was to her until the last year of our marriage where I pulled away from her a little bit in light of things that were happening.
Anyway I feel that this was a new realization for me and I wonder if it is true or at least how much of it was a factor.
I would just like to chime in with my opinion. The bs about pursing/fighting for the woman only works in the movies.
How about one last phone call "Honey I love you and I adore you and I want to work this out. If you think a divorce will make you happy I will sign the papers. If you change your mind in the future give me a call".
Then walk away and never look back.
That's what I was considering and also a theme of what I wanted to do when visiting her. I just think it's the right way to do it face to face and not this cowards way of over the phone. In other words I wanted to spend time with her and talk things out about what went wrong. Finish writing the letter I want to write and hand it to her to read. Sign the divorce papers and hand it to her and be on my way. I just feel that would be much more of a closure then just walking away from it.
The questions you need to ask yourself if you would like to "spend some time with her" is...
Does my W want to spend time with me? Or am I forcing myself on her? If my W has filed for divorce, does she want to read my letter about getting back together?
You're gonna have to be honest with yourself, Cali. Just my opinion.
All I can tell you is what I have seen in the years that I've been here.
Ultimately, only you can decide how to approach your W. And I hope you do end up reconciling.
I agree, but I think my biggest issue is that I really don't understand why it happened and why she is doing it. Of course I know of the issues, but there hasn't been one person that knows us both and the of the situation who can understand why she is doing what she is doing. No one believes that I deserve this reaction and that it can't be worked out. This is also coming from friends of hers that live here in Cali. I think that is one of the things I struggle most with. I have talked to so many of people that I know who have been through so much worse in their marriage and they work things out. They only wished that the problems that we are dealing with was their problems too because they are so easily fixed.
Another factor is that she hasn't had the best family life either. Her mom told her horrible things about men when she was young and I honestly think she is a bad influence on her. For goodness sake her moms best friend is a woman that is barely older than my wife and they are always our partying.
If you have Divorce Remedy, read about the Last Resort Technique, I think it applies in your case.
The last resort technique seems to work best when you at least have some kind of contact, connection or at least live in the same town. Being on opposite sides of the US doesn't work in my favor at all, so how will she ever see the changes I am making. If I just stop talking to her completely and run away just like she has then how does it help. I basically drop everything and hope that she starts thinking of me and reaching out to me. When she left she completely abandoned everything that I ever gave her too. She seemed to really want no memory or reminder of me at all, so what would ever make her start thinking of me? I suppose when she starts dating she will maybe make comparisons with me to the other guys or she will starting thinking about how I did things differently, but that is the only scenario I can think of honestly.
