I know it is hard, but you need to listen to what is being said. I didn't detach and quit "pestering" her for lack of a better term for quite some time. Did several stupid things out of fear that did not help at all.
Once I slowed myself down and started actually communicating when SHE wanted to, that is when it turned around.
when you feel that coming on, I started a journal to write it down, that helped a lot.
Don't trust what she says and only some of what she does. My W said some things that really hurt! and did things that really hurt! It is the nature of the beast at this point.
It will take a lot of time. But if you cut communication down, or stop it completely, GAL, counseling, things will turn around for you. You need to show her that you have changed, and will continue to be that person. W's need to see that for a long period of time before they believe it. you can tell her till you are blue in the face but words right now are meaningless.
YES - she is unhappy but what makes you think YOU are the cause of her unhappiness?
I definitely have played a role into her unhappiness, my stupid comment about her weight certainly didn't help and certainly proved her point that I'm insensitive. So yes it's partially my fault if not 3/4 my fault
Last edited by Cadet; 06/01/1709:04 AM. Reason: fix quote
I know it is hard, but you need to listen to what is being said. I didn't detach and quit "pestering" her for lack of a better term for quite some time. Did several stupid things out of fear that did not help at all.
Once I slowed myself down and started actually communicating when SHE wanted to, that is when it turned around.
when you feel that coming on, I started a journal to write it down, that helped a lot.
Don't trust what she says and only some of what she does. My W said some things that really hurt! and did things that really hurt! It is the nature of the beast at this point.
It will take a lot of time. But if you cut communication down, or stop it completely, GAL, counseling, things will turn around for you. You need to show her that you have changed, and will continue to be that person. W's need to see that for a long period of time before they believe it. you can tell her till you are blue in the face but words right now are
meaningless.
So I'm assuming that your W came back? I agree I've told her everything I possibly could to prove that I'm done with that part of me that started to neglect her but she's still too hurt and angry to care or believe in what I'm saying. I thought of staying home from work today and try to catch her coming in to move stuff so we could talk, by againit would probably not go too well and end up pushing her father away.
As of now things are doing well with my wife, I am still taking it slow and letting things progress as they do without much pushing.
I don't talk about the relationship unless she initiates that. Even then I LISTEN more than talk. Listening is the key right now, she doesn't want to hear nor cares what you have to say right now.
Don't stay home it will make things worse, she more than likely needs space/time to think. (I say more than likely because everyone is different)
Work on yourself, what changed in your relationship from dating to now? Change yourself back, show her what she is missing and go from there! If anything it will help you in the future
Detach also. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. that is the best advice I was given. you need to be ready for the BD of D.
Right now the more you pursue her the farther away she is going to get. Leave it be and let it grow on its own! I begged, pleaded, told her I changed, asked her if she could see the change etc.. none of that worked at all. it wasn't until we started to spend a little time together that she saw change, once they see the change that's when things happen. She will start contacting you again. Do not argue with her, don't tell her you changed, just listen to her no matter how hard it is. She needs that more than anything right now.
As of now things are doing well with my wife, I am still taking it slow and letting things progress as they do without much pushing.
I don't talk about the relationship unless she initiates that. Even then I LISTEN more than talk. Listening is the key right now, she doesn't want to hear nor cares what you have to say right now.
Don't stay home it will make things worse, she more than likely needs space/time to think. (I say more than likely because everyone is different)
Work on yourself, what changed in your relationship from dating to now? Change yourself back, show her what she is missing and go from there! If anything it will help you in the future
Detach also. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. that is the best advice I was given. you need to be ready for the BD of D.
Right now the more you pursue her the farther away she is going to get. Leave it be and let it grow on its own! I begged, pleaded, told her I changed, asked her if she could see the change etc.. none of that worked at all. it wasn't until we started to spend a little time together that she saw change, once they see the change that's when things happen. She will start contacting you again. Do not argue with her, don't tell her you changed, just listen to her no matter how hard it is. She needs that more than anything right now.
How long have y'all been S? I was falling into the chasignher too for the first 12 days but since monda I've gone NC nothing's changed yet other than her taking more stuff from the house. It it's only been 2 weeks from today hat she left. I just pray that once the hurt and anger subside she can start to see all the good we have in our relationship
So if Im to believe none of what she says and half of what she does, what should I believe about her moving more stuff out of the house and getting a storage unit?
that she is unhappy and wants her stuff in a storage unit, at this time.
Even if we had a crystal ball and somehow could read her mind, her opinions would only partly make sense to you (b/c you'd have different recall or a totally different spin on the event) and because whatever her feelings are, they will conflict and they will change.
Of this^^ I am certain.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Our relationship was very good,from my perspective, we have always been very close. We never fought and rarely argued, she just told me that she holds all her emotions inside and hides them well.
It's OK to disagree on things (aka "Fighting"). The key is doing it in a healthy way. I thought my R was great because we never fought, or when we did, things seemed to stabilize afterwards. I learned that by not addressing issues, we allowed mutual resentment to build and it taught my ex that I wasnt able to be understanding or to actually implement any changes.
As of now things are doing well with my wife, I am still taking it slow and letting things progress as they do without much pushing.
I don't talk about the relationship unless she initiates that. Even then I LISTEN more than talk. Listening is the key right now, she doesn't want to hear nor cares what you have to say right now.
Don't stay home it will make things worse, she more than likely needs space/time to think. (I say more than likely because everyone is different)
Work on yourself, what changed in your relationship from dating to now? Change yourself back, show her what she is missing and go from there! If anything it will help you in the future
Detach also. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. that is the best advice I was given. you need to be ready for the BD of D.
Right now the more you pursue her the farther away she is going to get. Leave it be and let it grow on its own! I begged, pleaded, told her I changed, asked her if she could see the change etc.. none of that worked at all. it wasn't until we started to spend a little time together that she saw change, once they see the change that's when things happen. She will start contacting you again. Do not argue with her, don't tell her you changed, just listen to her no matter how hard it is. She needs that more than anything right now.
How long have y'all been S? I was falling into the chasignher too for the first 12 days but since monda I've gone NC nothing's changed yet other than her taking more stuff from the house. It it's only been 2 weeks from today hat she left. I just pray that once the hurt and anger subside she can start to see all the good we have in our relationship
we were S for about 6 weeks. I moved out with a co-worker for a couple of weeks, and then it was an in home split.
Like I said she told me just last week that she's been resenting me for 2 years cause she felt like the intimacy was lacking and that I wasn't as compassionate as she felt I should've been and during her treatments she said she felt I didn't show her as much compassion as she wanted.
I dont think she meant 'compassion'.
My guess is she meant 'empathy'.
The things you describe below have nothing to do with understanding and valuing her feelings. I dont think she wanted you to 'save' her necessarily, but more to understand the life she was going through. In other words, she sacrificed a lot to do the IVF and the treatments; what did you give up? how did you show your appreciation?
Originally Posted By: Stunned
Everyday I came home from work I always made sure to give her a kiss, I always held her hand when walking places or in the car driving. Always kissed her goodnight with a I love you.
YES - she is unhappy but what makes you think YOU are the cause of her unhappiness?
I definitely have played a role into her unhappiness, my stupid comment about her weight certainly didn't help and certainly proved her point that I'm insensitive. So yes it's partially my fault if not 3/4 my fault
Sorry - I must disagree, no matter what your mistakes were, they did not cause her unhappiness. That is all on her. Just like you are responsible for YOUR happiness so is she responsible for hers.
