In my mind I have felt like I've been treated like a scapegoat but after her saying all the things she felt I was not doing she led me to believe I had wronged her for so long. Should I of been more compassionate? Absolutely, should I of out her feelings I front of mine of course. So thank you for helping me feel better about myself and not feeling like I am the worse husband in the world. Unfortunately it still doesn't bring back my wife, which is still my main priority
I understand that -- if you wanted to come up with a laundry list of things that *she* has done wrong in your marriage I'll bet you could do that pretty easily too right? That's life, that's how relationships work.
What I can tell you with 100% absolute certainty is that pursuing your wife, apologizing to her, or trying to demonstrate changes now for her benefit will not bring her back.
I guarantee you that 100%. You can read thousands of stories on this site and see that.
Your brain will tell you that is what you should do, but your brain is wrong.
If you want her back, give her space, give her *more* space than she is asking for.
You might think that is the worst thing to do, and I'm telling you it's the least worst thing to do.
There is no good answer here, it's not within your control -- you can't will her to feel what you want her to feel no matter how you try.
Think back to high school -- if you chased a girl around offering gifts and compliments did that ever work? What if you were mysterious, confident and aloof? Which one is attractive?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I'm so confused cause the whole reason she said she wasn't happy was because I wasn't as compassionate and sensitive to her feelings as she wanted. So it just seems so wrong to be insensitive and just leave her alone? But I've been pursuing for the first 10 days and all it did was her coming over to tell me she does want a divorce. So maybe I was going by it all wrong
I'm so confused cause the whole reason she said she wasn't happy was because I wasn't as compassionate and sensitive to her feelings as she wanted. So it just seems so wrong to be insensitive and just leave her alone? But I've been pursuing for the first 10 days and all it did was her coming over to tell me she does want a divorce. So maybe I was going by it all wrong
Though I think backing off is what's best for now (and it's only been 2 weeks!), I also think its fair and healthy for you to examine what she said.
Dig a little deeper. You were not married that long to have become complacent.
What happened in your previous relationships?
This^^ is not to say it's all your fault. But I am not one who says "it's not you and it's only her", though there is a big part of this that is simply out of your control.
However it's crazy to avoid examining your role, b/c we know you want to reduce the chance of this happening again, on your end, if you two do reconcile.
It's not hopeless. There are several variables at play. (And again, you are early in this).
Your stepmother describes a marriage in which your w seems to have felt unhappy for some time, as is they have spoken before, so
when you dig deep, is this all really new to you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm so confused cause the whole reason she said she wasn't happy was because I wasn't as compassionate and sensitive to her feelings as she wanted. So it just seems so wrong to be insensitive and just leave her alone? But I've been pursuing for the first 10 days and all it did was her coming over to tell me she does want a divorce. So maybe I was going by it all wrong
Though I think backing off is what's best for now (and it's only been 2 weeks!), I also think its fair and healthy for you to examine what she said.
Dig a little deeper. You were not married that long to have become complacent.
What happened in your previous relationships?
This^^ is not to say it's all your fault. But I am not one who says "it's not you and it's only her", though there is a big part of this that is simply out of your control.
However it's crazy to avoid examining your role, b/c we know you want to reduce the chance of this happening again, on your end, if you two do reconcile
when you dig deep, is this all really new to you?
I agree that it was way too early for me to become complacent but unfortunately that is what happened. Not making this and excuse but this is my second marriage, my first marriage my W cheated on me twice. We were together for 10 years and I was only 2 months separated when I met my now current wife for after the second time my first w cheated and she walk out I knew I didn't want her in my life anymore. So in a way I never really had any single time so it was like one continuous relationship although they're completely different people. I do have a bad habit of getting too comfortable in a relationship too fast and so I start to neglect things that I really shouldn't neglect. This is something I am dead set on fixing within myself because it's gotten me nowhere.
As wth this being new to me, it is new to me in this relationship. It's obvious she was telling her close friends and stepmom for a while that she's been feeling unhappy but she truthfully never told me she was unhappy other than like I said before the one time she brought up wanting more intimacy. But she never hinted ever about wanting to leave, even my sis n law which they talked all the time never even saw this coming. She did tell me a few days before my W left she was crying on the phone to her saying how she knows I'm a good man but she just felt disconnected recently which I kinda knew cause of the comment I made about her weight she distanced herself almost immediately.
I am working on my bad habits daily cause I do not want that part of me around ANYMORE! I'm sick of it, After hearing how unhappy my wife was for over a year or so I'm sick of me neglecting her feelings for what reason? Maybe cause I'm selfish or maybe cause I'm just an oblivious dude who thinks that once we're married I instantly settle right into getting comfortable. No more I'm done with that. This is really making me reflect and realize how much of a role I played in all this even tho I never raised my voice with her always gave her things just because, brought home flowers once a month, told her I loved her daily. Always thanked her when she didn't something nice for me or just for cooking dinner. But I just didn't realize how much the intimacy and compassion mattered to her. I'm such a fool
I'm glad you are looking at how fast you hooked up with your 2nd w, after your first m ended.
Getting into another r so fast after your first one ended, is something to address. More 2nd marriages end than first, and the odds of subsequent marriages ending, increase with less time between the r's.
In other words, those who rush into a new r, tend to be in a reactive mode, not reflective. So a lot less learning goes on.
I'm coming out of my only m, and it was a 35 year one. I am forcing myself to live alone for the first time in my life. (I married in college).
I am barely dipping my toe into online dating after 7 months and have not felt ready to even meet someone. I KNOW it's too fast for me to engage in a "real" r, but I was sort of hoping to have coffee with a man partly b/c I have not dated in 37 years, which is almost as long as you've been alive. But I know I'd never dream of moving in together or remarrying, until at least 2 years of dating AND I'd have to date others as well.
I think my therapist would probably fire me if I jumped into a relationship before at least a year of being on my own, in therapy (to learn about myself at this stage of life AND to heal).
Experts say it, my family says it, my friends tell me to take my time. My h did not take his time. He immediately was in a r, and has announced it on FB.
When I get past my pain and ego blow about that, I really do think it's a little insane for him to have done that. I mean, objectively, it's Very needy.
I want to know what my mistakes were, I want to KNOW I won't repeat them, though I'm human and will make other mistakes.
But I don't want this pain in my life again. I will do a whole lot to avoid it. And I'd rather be free and alone, than to wish I was alone.
BTW, I have a close friend who divorced her first h 30 years ago. She immediately began a new r, and married that guy 18 months later. There was not a lot of searching other men b/c she met #2 a month after splitting.
22 years passed and h#2 left her with 3 kids. She began dating another guy and dang if she did not marry him, so he's #3. So she's basically married every guy she dated.
Husband #2 was a lot different from husband #1, like he was a reaction to her first.
And h#3 was a lot different from h#2, so again, a reaction...she never explored other men or r's and she never got to know herself living ALONE (without dating one guy exclusively).
She told me recently at the age of 62, that she wished she had taken her time, reflected, gotten to know more men so she could see that some men had all the main traits she needs, instead of REACTING to or REPLACING what she just lost.
The people I know who seem unable to be alone, and move fast into new r's, tend to have less satisfying r's, which is ironic in a way. THEY don't change, they just change partners. And the pattern of the marriages ending OR being very unhappy , persists. in fact, I cannot think of one person who went from one m, to another r quickly, who has not regretted it.
Food for thought.
Keep at this, the pain will decrease if you work at this program and do Your work.
But yes, give your w time and space. To the extent the hormones are at play, they'll settle down and she may be able to see you more objectively.
What were HER prior r's like?
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So if Im to believe none of what she says and half of what she does, what should I believe about her moving more stuff out of the house and getting a storage unit?
So if Im to believe none of what she says and half of what she does, what should I believe about her moving more stuff out of the house and getting a storage unit?
Its an action, believe that she is in turmoil and really needs space right now.
Don't take it personally, DETACH. This is about her not YOU.
It's obvious she was telling her close friends and stepmom for a while that she's been feeling unhappy but she truthfully never told me she was unhappy other than like I said before the one time she brought up wanting more intimacy.
Do you think this is YOUR fault?
YES - she is unhappy but what makes you think YOU are the cause of her unhappiness?
