Why would you bring coffee to your W when she is having a PA? It makes you look weak.
What are your boundaries? Are you willing to be in an open marriage?
Did you leave the master bedroom?
These are the boundaries I'm struggling to define. I am absolutely not willing to be in an open marriage. My dilemma is trying to keep the whole ordeal s secret from our kids and our loved ones. Our family and our family business would suffer incredibly. Another example, we still eat dinner together, she cooks...how is this dynamic supposed to work, I still thank her for the meal as that's what values we teach our children. I obviously don't want to look weak but I truly do not know how to do this whilst co-habiting and protecting the kids. I did not leave the master, this is another thing that is going to come to light soon. "Why is mommy sleeping in the spare room".
Hello Island! I'm sorry for the situation that has been visited upon you. I think maybe I can help with the difference between "no contact" and "being the spouse only a fool would leave".
"Being the spouse only a fool would leave" is not what it may seem. Bringing coffee to someone, for instance, is a very nice gesture. But if that person is in a PA, it reeks of servitude and pursuing. You don't reward bad behavior...nor do you punish (that sends people running, too). You set your boundaries without even a word...and ignore the behavior. The OP does not matter to you. They are not a part of your life (if they are someone you know...they are no longer worth acknowledging. They cease to exhist as a person). But as long as she is in the PA, do not sleep with her. Don't let her in your MB. Your W, also, is no longer your focus.
I'm sorry you can't get the books. Is there any way you can have someone you know from the mainland bring them to you if you have the package sent (unopened) to them? Tell them its a gift?
By "being the S only a fool would leave", you need to focus on you and self improvement. Who was the guy she fell in love with? Are you still that guy? We all lose sight of who we were once we try to please our spouse and as we get bogged down with other responsibilities. What were you like before? Were you confident? Carefree? A risk taker? Had your own friends and hobbies? Try to be that again, if that was who you really were. Were you more attentive and complimentary? Did you build her up and support her interests and efforts when you first met and stopped over the years? You might want to look at that and be more encouraging, supportive, and validating WHEN SHE INITIATES CONTACT WITH YOU (dont run after her while she has an OP). What were her complaints about you in the marriage? Are they somewhat valid? Sometimes, when we look deep, we realize that we have become someone else entirely...it can be painful. Those will be your 180s...things you try to completely change, or go back to that you once were authentically. Who do you want to be? Find your authentic you.
Now...the idea of NC is, I believe, to stop pursuing.
It is usually when your S has completely shown you they have "left the marriage"; if not physically, then emotionally. You stop INITIATING any contact. You do not run after them begging, you do not try to curry favor by giving them gifts, cooking their favorite foods, trying to have talks with them, or "reaching out" to them in any way. You just merrily live your own life, pursue your own interests, have your own fun. You "get a life" as a single person re-discovering who you are as a person, not as a compromising half of a couple. You focus on you, not on them. It is your time to better yourself for you, not to impress them.
This does not mean you ignore them, however. If THEY reach out to YOU, you can listen to what they have to say. You can practice listening, validating (empathizing, understanding, accepting their right to their feelings), but do not try to react by expressing your feelings or trying to turn them to your way of thinking. You let them walk their journey. You SHOW them you are content walking yours.
You SHOULD NOT be an a$$ or dismissive or cold. You should be pleasant and carry yourself as if you are content and busy living your own awesome life...and make it awesome! This is to give you both space to figure things out,; not to punish. Learn new things, try new hobbies. The world (on your island) is yours to do with as you want. If she wishes you good morning, look her in the eye, smile and say, "good morning to you!" Then make yourself a cup of coffee and go on with what you want to do that day. ALLOW her to make her own. If yo usually do things for her to be nice, ALLOW her to do them for herself. If she does nice things for her, ALLOW her to do them...then be authentically thankful and gratious. If she initiates a "talk", just listen. Don't defend, tell your side, or give sad puppy eyes. Just listen, say "I understand how you feel" or "I understand that you feel that way". No "buts". But really listen...you might learn. If she brings up the good she has done, validate that. If she screams, yells, cries...don't react. Let her know, calmly that you will leave the room and she can continue her convo later when she is able to speak more calmly. Then leave (boundary setting). Its hard, but gets better with practice.
True NC is if you were in separate homes. You are not really there yet. It would be hard anyway, in your case, in an island comunity. I hope this helps. If any DBers feel the need to correct me, please do. I'm dealing with an XH at this point in MLC, but after almost 1 1/2 years (quick time from BD to D) the DB methods have helped me and our R in many ways. I hope this helps, Island! Good luck to you. Be the lighthouse (a great metaphor and story in the helpful links Cadet posted)!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thank you Ciluzen, this was what i need right now, this brings a bit more clarity and to know that i can still conduct myself in a pleasant manner as I consider myself to be anyway is comforting. I am not the kind of person who wants to see her hurting but I too don't deserve to be hurting so as you say, I need to work on me. I know that things do become stagnant after many years and am certainly not blameless. I have accepted that I need to work on what part I played in the demise of the R so I will work on becoming the lighthouse (read this and truly want to be that beacon) then its just a case of time (and DBing) will tell. I'm so pleased I found a place where there are so many supportive people, its just a shame there really are so many of us...I'm just glad that there are answers to my MANY questions. Thank you DBers and good luck with your sitch Ciluzen
After reading LOTS of posts and advice already shared with me I have started to implement the beginning stages of DB, still cant get the books for now so I'm going to need plenty pointers along the way.
I am ten months in to the what I'm sure most of us LBS feel are the most difficult times of our lives. I have never felt emotions quite like it, depression, anger, anxiety etc. etc. and as I posted before, I have been doing it all WRONG...up until about 3 weeks ago.
Here is a brief timeline of events so far...
Early 2016 I see pics on social media of W and what I later discover to be OM. Time spent on cell phone had become almost addictive, seen a text from OM, nothing incriminating, approached W and said I was not happy about pics and texts, she assured me it was a friendship.
Fast forward July 2016, my suspicions had led me to try to find out more, I knew that I could find out her location from cell phone so checked and discovered her whereabouts were very irregular to where she said she had been, confronted her and basically said I knew it was an PA she broke down and told me yes. I demanded NC told her she wasn't to go anywhere near, she apologized said she would do whatever it took to go back to the way we were.
Spent a few months trying to get over everything and trying to move on...Just after Christmas 2016 I discovered (cell location) she had met with him again "only talked to see how each other were"...in a off track road for 45 mins...I still don't believe this to be true. Told her I didn't want to go on with R and that I was done. I felt good for a week knowing that it was over, then she asked me to try again...I told her yes but I didn't want to go through this again...
March we still hadn't really moved on or gotten anywhere...I pushed her to tell me if she thought we could make it and she again broke down and says that she doesn't the love for me any more. Said that she had felt that about me for some time (over a year). I told her that we had not talked about it and needed help...we agreed that we needed MC. I told her I still loved her and that even after everything I wanted to fight for our MR even suggested taking 30mins out every day to try and reconnect, she agreed and said she really wanted to try...that night she went out with a friend and by chance I saw a live video of her on social media with OM. I went out to find her and they were outside OM house in car and I flew into a fit of rage and aggressively (nothing physical) told him to stay away and demanded W return home.
Next day she told me she was in love with OM and didn't want to be in MR anymore. I was devastated. I begged pleaded, reasoned, told her all the reasons she should NOT be with OM (younger...10yrs, no stability, no home, family destroyed, friends and loved ones would be hurt etc.) Needless to say now I know this was the wrong way to go about it.
I told her that we had a summer vacation coming up and that we would resolve matters, even initiate D after that so asked her to respect me and have no contact until we had come to some conclusion. I still believe she is communicating and even meeting with OM so I have constant anxiety when she is not home.
So until a few weeks ago things were EXTREMELY tough. I have begun to try to focus on not worrying about the A and accept that it is going on, but now trying to be the person that I want to be/used to be.
...did I say BRIEF timeline
Now all of my questions are about situations that arise whilst trying 180 etc.
W has never been a good communicator, I am the type of person that says it like it is and deals with my emotions there and then whereas my W tends to bottle it all up and when it gets too much explodes...which would explain why she didn't tell me that she was unhappy in our MR. I on the other hand had expressed on many occasion, which I believe was another contributing factor to her having a PA, maybe felt like frequent nagging. I also believe she lost herself in this time as she became neglectful of our home and "duties" within our family. I would come home from work and she would have sat all day watching tv while laundry was not done and dinner dishes were left all day etc. She would also find any opportunity to make herself busy out of the home with charity and voluntary work.
I was unhappy with that and our sex life had deteriorated somewhat which was ANOTHER topic that we would argue about. I completely understand why she would feel despondent with our MR but that was when she needed to communicate better and we should have sought help earlier. Now it feels like she has found her "pick me up" her drug, and doesn't want to go back to reality.
The communication is now where I am finding the DB technique difficult. I have become more cheerful, paid less attention to her, 180 all the time, but somehow want to know what she is feeling, we have not spoken about MR/PA at all for 3 weeks...its very early I know, is it a case of sit back and just wait or are there steps that can get her to initiate in some dialogue about the future without me bringing it up. I kind of want her to feel alone (away from the family) to let her see what she would be missing but also have reputation to keep and really would like to shield our children and family from the whole situation. I almost want her to speak to me so that I can put validation into practice but she says nothing...probably sounding off to OM...still spends WAY TOO MUCH time on cell phone.
We went to MC a couple of times before I found this site and she told counsellor that she wanted to try but again I found out she had been intimate with OM in the meantime which was when I "gave up" and we haven't been since.
I'm sorry this has been a long post but as we are trying to deal with this discreetly for the time being I have NO-ONE to talk to, MC was the only time I got to speak about things and now that has stopped so you guys are my only outlet so thank you for reading/listening.
I will pause there for a while, hopefully I can get some advice based on this.
Also any advice on what to do with anniversary coming up next week, I saw a nice post that said a card with "it's still worth remembering" written inside, that's the kind of thing I would do but not sure if its the right time. Should I just blank it completely?
Also any advice on what to do with anniversary coming up next week, I saw a nice post that said a card with "it's still worth remembering" written inside, that's the kind of thing I would do but not sure if its the right time. Should I just blank it completely?
Giving a card is pursuit, I personally would not suggest it.
You started 2 threads and now they are merged into this one. It will be a better way to follow your progress. Continue to post updates and questions. The shorter the post the more likely you are to get more responses.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
You started 2 threads and now they are merged into this one. It will be a better way to follow your progress. Continue to post updates and questions. The shorter the post the more likely you are to get more responses.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
