what's your relationship like with her family? I find it unusual that a parent would encourage their child to divorce so fast, without exploring a lot more in depth.
You were in a fertility program until just weeks ago, so this stepmom is "Fine" with your w throwing in the towel?
I repeat, no I do not think a woman in an IVF program (4 tries) and who miscarried twins a month ago, is having an affair - and if she has/is, that's a new one on me. (*Even with the wildly fluctuating hormones and potential mood swings, it would be physically at odds with pregnancy).
Still, there is something missing in your narrative. As if ALL WAS FINE except for one tiny comment you made and then poof, she's out and she's done and her family is fine with it. The hormones can make wildly dramatic huge mood swings but they would know that or
What do you think your wife would say if she were here?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Honestly I was in my foolish head just trying to get her to set a higher goal. I should've just supported her goal and been done with it. What I'm working on in myself is to show her often how much I cherish her. I'm working on making sure I only says things that would lift her up and cut out the dumb comments that make her think I'm insensitive. I'm also working on changing the way I handle discussions that make me feel like she's attacking me when she's really just trying to tell me how she feels at the time.
Yes she was on a tremendous amount of hormones, mostly estrogen and progesterone for the past two years and when she stopped them her hormones were all outta whack for a while before this last time we tried.
Honestly we never fought, we argued from time to time but usually small things. Like I said she told me just last week that she's been resenting me for 2 years cause she felt like the intimacy was lacking and that I wasn't as compassionate as she felt I should've been and during her treatments she said she felt I didn't show her as much compassion as she wanted. Everyday I came home from work I always made sure to give her a kiss, I always held her hand when walking places or in the car driving. Always kissed her goodnight with a I love you. She felt that she initiated sex more than I did which maybe she did but I didn't as much cause maybe I didn't want to be rejected. She wanted more passion and in her words wants a love like the movie the notebook.
I'm 36 and she 32 and before our relationship she's never had one longer than a year so I dunno maybe she expects the honeymoon phase to last a lifetime. Maybe the intimacy dropped off some and I didn't show her or tell her as often how much I cared and cherished but like I should've.
what's your relationship like with her family? I find it unusual that a parent would encourage their child to divorce so fast, without exploring a lot more in dept. The hormones can make wildly dramatic huge mood swings but they would know that or
What do you think your wife would say if she were here?
Her step mom sent me a card and it said "I don't give my kids advice on there private life I only listen. The only advice I could give her is when you're crying more than you're smiling that's not a good place to be mentally. You cannot teach someone how to act or feel. you cant teach affection or compassion, you might feel it on your heart but some people don't know how to show it. I have no hard feelings for you and I wish you all the happiness in the world."
I asked her the first time we were talking about this if maybe its her hormones getting her as upset about this as she is. She said No and that she had been feeling this way for a while. It's just hard for me to see ending a marriage because of this, but that's me and I know women run off emotions and if this is truly how she feels RIGHT NOW than in her mind THIS is how she feels and she cant see her love for me through her hurt and anger. Do you think that with some time she could possibly see things in a different light once the anger and hurt has subsided.
For instance when a W feels like you neglected her feelings and says she loves you but not in love with you anymore. I probably don't really want to know cause its probably a small amount that actually do come back. I try reading all the success stories but some days those deflated negative feelings over come you. And even tho its only been 2 weeks since the W left I feel as if shes slipping farther away each passing day.
I agree with others here -- I don't think this has all that much to do with you quite frankly. I think your W was feeling bad about herself for gaining 50 pounds, then felt even worse about the miscarriages. It's no fun to feel bad about yourself, or to feel "not good enough". It's much easier to feed bad about someone else, or to have a lightning rod to offload your feelings of inadequacy, a target for your anger that is not you.
When you made the comment about her weight, I believe she viewed that as an "escape valve" to make you the bad guy so she could stop beating herself up. If you're "doing this to her" versus her having a shortcoming, then she can get mad at you and focus on you and how you've wronged her versus processing her own issues -- that's a MUCH easier thing to do.
If you agree that you may be a scapegoat here, then your best bet is not to play into it. If you apologize and chase her around, you're reinforcing that you've done something wrong.
If instead you take a "I'm sorry you feel that way" attitude, be happy and upbeat and live the best life you can live, you will refute her belief that you're the "bad one" and eventually the veil will have to lift.
Your best plan for getting her back is to make a beeline in the opposite direction. Be nice, be polite, but don't pursue her even a little bit, and don't apologize. Be "the best choice" by being happy and confident.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
In my mind I have felt like I've been treated like a scapegoat but after her saying all the things she felt I was not doing she led me to believe I had wronged her for so long. Should I of been more compassionate? Absolutely, should I of out her feelings I front of mine of course. So thank you for helping me feel better about myself and not feeling like I am the worse husband in the world. Unfortunately it still doesn't bring back my wife, which is still my main priority
