Well, a few days later after I told my wife I was done fighting (http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2742911 Original thread) and things are progressing. I'm leaving tomorrow to go visit my family for a few weeks and I'm taking my son. My wife has spent the day at our house the last few days and things have been pleasant (though tense). She did make a comment that I seemed happy and asked why (I said it was because I slept well, really it was because I'm glad to be leaving and not have to see her for awhile).
While I'm visiting I'm planning on not talking to her at all (other than about our son, pics, updates, etc.) I need a break from her drama and she needs time to think. Se still hasn't met with a lawyer or even called one, I don't know what her game is. But I've finally reached that point where I just have no energy anymore.
If she comes back, it's gonna take alot to piece this together again.
and than suddenly, something gave out inside me. I lost the will to fight for it. I told her to do what she wants. It's been 6 months of being stomped on and I just hit a point where I couldn't take it anymore. I'm going to go out of town to visit my parents for 3 weeks, and after that I have a business trip. I told her that when I get back in a month we could talk about division of stuff and our son. But I just can't do it anymore.
I remember this feeling myself. It felt awesome! It's the moment that you take back control of your own fate. You don't know it yet but it's a very important day in your life, make it stick. Never allow other people to rule your fate. BTW, when they truly see you're done and couldn't care less about them, that's when they'll come back around and want you back. Trust me. I say this because you don't want to address that without a well thought out plan. Too many get sucked right back in that way and end up back where they were.
If she comes crawling back because you no longer want her you have to decide what you want at that point. If you still want her then there has to be very firm rules/boundaries/requirements all set forth by you that she has to live up to. Otherwise you walk away a happy person looking forward to your future.
Yeah, I'm really trying to clear my head and make an honest decision if she does come crawling back. Part of me wants to shut that door forever, but I know that I still care for her, and I truly believe it is better for our son if his mom and dad are together. That makes me feel that if she does come back I will take her (but I'm not going to right away if that day comes, and it will be with lots of boundaries). Spending time away and being as NC as possible (with the exception of talking about our son) is helping. She hasn't said anything yet, but we will see in a month how things are.
Well, I've maintained mostly NC, but yesterday she was pushing my buttons and we had a big fight. After it happened she texted me and apologized for what she's putting me through, said that she did love me but as a friend, and that she never felt a husband / wife love with me. That she doesn't feel we were meant to be, that I'm not her person. and that she could never be with me again like she was for 5 years.
I thanked her for her honesty, and than woke up this morning to her changing her last name on facebook to her maiden name. I just don't understand why I deserve this when all I did was love her and marry what I thought was the girl of my dreams.
yesterday she was pushing my buttons and we had a big fight.
So why did you contribute to it? If she escalates, why are going up with her? Disagreements are acceptable; but why turn it into a 'big fight'?
Originally Posted By: downhub
I thanked her for her honesty
Huh? Id say its ok to appreciate that she is willing to share her feelings....but what do you mean by 'honesty'? That makes it sound as if you are believing her words which is not a good idea.
I should not have contributed to the fight, it was a mistake. But I was hurt and angry and messed up.
I was trying to validate what she was saying. I don't agree with her, but saying things like "Thank you for telling me" and "I didn't realize that was how you felt" seemed like the right way to approach it, then she said she was being honest and so I thanked her.
So I haven't talked to her much, the only communication has been coordinating skype sessions with our son, but I hear from her sister that she has been going out with some guy, they went on an ice cream date and are hanging out every evening.
I've been continuing with GAL, going boating with friends, trips to the mountains, etc. My wife was only texting me to ask how our son was until yesterday, when she started to text me asking about a recipe, and than called with questions about a job application. I was friendly, but didn't respond right away and wasn't overly enthusiastic about answering, just acting like if a friend was asking. She definitely noticed I haven't been talking to her and was acting very demanding about getting me to reply. I didn't engage when she tried to push my buttons, simply replied when it was convenient to me.
Since she changed her name on Facebook to her maiden name, friends have been messaging me and her asking what is up. I've been honest with them, telling them we are separated, but not going into specifics. She mentioned a few friends have been asking her but said she wasn't replying. She also said she regrets changing her name, and can't change it back for 60 days. I didn't say anything, as she only regrets because now people are asking questions.
Still working on disconnecting from her, but it becomes easier everyday. I still have two weeks out of town, than come home for our sons birthday and than go out of town for work for a week leaving our son with her, so June is going to be a break for me.
I'd appreciate some wisdom here. I feel my marriage is beyond saving, but I'm battling what is best to do with my son and I.
I found out today that my wife (I'm still in CO visiting my family with my son) went on a 4 day car trip to TX with her uncle. I also discovered that his wife is leaving him because she is not comfortable with his relationship with my wife. I had a long conversation with her, and she said that while I've been out of town, my wife and the uncle have been getting closer and weirder, leaving her out, and acting inappropriate. She is leaving him until he kicks my wife out of his house.
She also told me that the uncle's sister met with my wife and the uncle in TX, and even though she had no idea what was going on, both her and her boyfriend think they are weird and inappropriate.
I talked with my lawyer, and she said legally I am well within my rights to stay in CO with my son. I have been here almost a month and only need two more months here to establish residency to file in CO. We still are 3 months from residency in TN, the state we currently are in.
So my question is:
Should I stay in CO with my son, fly back to get my personal things, cancel my lease, and just prepare to file in two months (all things my lawyer said I could do)
OR
Go back to TN as scheduled, leave my son with my wife for the week I am out of town for work, and just hope she doesn't take him to the uncle or other guy's houses.
I know the first option is not divorce busting (I'll be taking the first step towards filing), but I'm honestly concerned she may leave the state or take my son to the uncle's house, which is not a healthy environment (he punches holes in walls, gets in screaming fights with his wife, etc.
As a mother, I would follow my heart and protect my child. And sure as heck prepare financially.
I'm not sure that's Not DBing b/c we don't say "save your m, at all costs."
But again, don't let anyone (including me) urge you to do what will haunt you most later.
Maybe that's how to decide? Assume your options are both "wrong", which repercussions of the wrong choice would be harder to live with?
What are the realistic upsides to being "right" in choosing?
Oh, and don't forget, just b/c you get a divorce does not mean you cannot ever rebuild something. Couples do reconcile but it seems more frequent with couples who part ways for awhile and working on themselves before they can each heal enough to find their way back to each other.
Esther Perel has a TED Talk video on infidelity & surviving it, well worth listening to.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
