Gordie: One day at a time

[Gordie]

Roust,

W filed in March and didn't tell me (my L told me). But she hasn't followed through with the next legal steps so she has to drop the filing this month or agree to a court ordered action plan. Vacation with w and kids coming up. The differences with txhubby' situation was full on PA and there were no small, dependent children in the picture (think his kids were older and out of the house or no kids at all) so he could actually live with w and have minimal to no interaction.

HaWho,

Wow, that's really insightful. Yes, she hasn't spoken of it in months but when she did? Wow, fantasy island indeed. Kids would be happy. Enough money for two houses equal to what we have now (in reality, we'll have to sell the house). I would stay besties with w and become besties with POM! And we'd be one giant extended family--w and I and our new partners and having meals and holidays and vacations together. As you suggested, I just listened. I was frankly so flabbergasted and shell shocked I didn't know what to say. If she brought it up again...it really is hard to listen to this stuff but I'd probably just sit there and listen and squirm and repeat: I want to be your H, not your friend.

[HaWho]

If it comes up or she raises it, I suggest you do not tell her what you want; i.e. that you want a w not a buddy. She doesn't care and her perception is skewed. Think of it from her perspective as that is all that matters to her. Politely but seriously say: "with divorce your whole quality of life changes." I would leave it at that. If she asks what you mean say: "your lifestyle will plummet, starting with the sale of the house. You'll see your kids every other weekend and we'll alternate holidays."

I think the trick is to say it quietly and calmly but look her in the eye.

In the meantime make this vacation the funnest ever! Fake it, act "as if" and show her exactly what she'll be missing.

We'll be polishing the Oscar for you . . .

[Cristy]

I would clarify that you were on the brink of D before you followed your coach's advice. You have drastically improved things and IMO would probably already be separated if you hadn't. You have gained time to allow a turnaround. It's like turning the titanic. You have done the necessary and time will tell if ye hit the iceberg or not. You can influence that but not.control it.

Best wishes

Hello Gordie,

When was the last time you spoke with your DB Coach? I would suggest scheduling a session in order to regroup.

Please call me at 303-444-7004 and we can look at the schedule.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Gordie]

Vacation was relatively normal and good times with the kids. W actually wanted to spend some alone time with me. She opened up to me about some of her issues (nothing about us or divorce). I just listened and gave my opinions when solicited. I didnt break her. I can't fix her. I hope she can realize that I am not the source of her problems and pain and that D will not make things better but she has to come to that conclusion herself. It's her decision and I am not fighting it and will accept it. I don't need her but I want her. I still love her.

[SBJ]

I'm glad things went well. You have been in my thoughts and prayers.

[Gordie]

Well, this week was a letdown after vacation. There were moments when things seemed almost normal, intimate. And now? Back to distancing. I have cooties again. Keep your distance. W is still being friendly, but I am definitely in the friend zone. One surprising positive is one of my kids was acting defiantly against me and W actually defended me.

My L has heard nothing from W's L and first court appearance is scheduled for next week. W hasn't mentioned D in months. Trying my best not to let the stress get to me, but it's hard. I have been tempted to ask W what the heck is going on, but I have resisted.

I confess that I have been filled with thoughts of just giving up and walking away from this situation. I want to be with someone who wants me and right now, w doesn't want me or at best is undecided if she wants me. I feel rejected, abandoned, heartbroken and full of self doubt and self loathing.

[bttrfly]

Hi Gordie,
I know. I understand. It's a rollercoaster ride and exhausting. Your life seems to be in someone else's control rather than your own and that's distressing and stressful - especially when that someone isn't too stable.

There's nothing wrong with feeling like giving up, or wanting someone who wants you too.

There's nothing wrong with being sick of the ambivalence.

Remember, you can only really be abandoned if you abandon yourself.

There are some things you do still have control over.

Take a deep breath, then take a few more. Can you carve out some alone time? Use this time to dig deeper to figure out what you really want. What you envision your ideal situation to be.

Keep giving this situation over to God. Keep praying. Go for a walk. Do something physical, yard work, exercise.

Keep coming here to vent.

Good job on resisting asking W about the D.

Don't wake a sleeping baby. Don't ask a MLCr what the status is of your relationship.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

[Rose888]

Gordie, hang in there. You have been so strong and so solid throughout this. Don't give up now.

Butterfly's advice is excellent.

[OwnIt]

Gordie, I'm sorry you are struggling but it is understandable. Try to let go of the divorce and focus instead on what you can control. I know how hard the waiting is when time is ticking down. I'm dying to get out of here and every day is dragging by like 10. You can do this. You are strong.

[Gordie]

Butterfly, Rose, Own it,

Thank you so much for standing by and encouraging me. Sometimes I need to admit my weakness. It's tiring trying to be strong all the time. Well, pity party over. TGIF. It's gonna be a great weekend, right? I can only control me. W will do what she's gonna do.