Gordie: One day at a time

[roist]

I agree with Ownit. There are many reasons not to be critical of W in front of kids, including:
1. Being critical is a lousy character trait. Avoid being negative which most people dislike.
2. Critising W reinforces negative thoughts in your subconscious mind which will affect your behavior/actions.
3. Your kids are young and they take for facts the opinions of others. To them it is a fact. I see this a lot with my boys. Our neighbour once told me that in part of his garden he had "cow grass" meaning really thick growth. My sons overheard him and are convinced he has cow grass. A silly example but the same occurs when negative. My W is critical and negative about many things in the car. The boys blindly make the same comments.I am stamping this out but it goes to show the power kids put on words
4. It could be repeated back to W. As it is a truth that is not necessarily a bad thing but she is likely to take it negatively. You need to avoid adding negativity into the equation. Your W has not fully decided if she wants to stay. Avoid giving her reasons not to. Don't walk on eggshells bit no need to push her either.

Long story short I think you're right on this.

A word of caution. Your W is seeking something that may not be achievable for her as is. Until she can quieten her thoughts and decides she already has what she wants, she has equal chance of deciding to leave as she does to stay. Be ready to let her go if she decides that is her path. That will take enormous strength but I am confident you can do that. Maybe prepare your plan B for that eventuality. Have projects and goals lined up so if that happens you have something else to invest in. Make it something attractive to you.

Best wishes

[HaWho]

Hi Gordie. What do I mean when I say don't prop her up? Just be careful that the things you are doing are true to you and that you are comfortable with your choices. Don't bend over backwards to save the marriage at your own expense.

The time you have been given is a great opportunity to restructure things. I suspect this is especially true if you've been Mr. Nice Guy to everyone but yourself.

Hope this clarifies. Be sure you are carving out a life for yourself in all this mess.

[Gordie]

HaWho,

Thank you. I do feel I am bending over backwards. Is it at my expense? I don't know. Right now, w is mostly about her in her current state but I am important too. I can live like this for a period of time but don't want to be treated as unimportant for the rest of my life.

I don't have the nice guy issues in my m. Instead, I think I was too selfish so am now trying to be more of a mr nice guy.

***

Weekly update/observations:

1 W thanked me for all of my cooking. This is a big change as w used to do all the cooking and when I do cook, she is usually quite critical as she is much better than me.

2 W did some more little things for me, like make me coffee.

3 W started voluntarily hugging me. I probably got 3 or 4 hugs.

4 W was frustrated with me about a little thing. Instead of stuffing it, she expressed it. I apologized for making her feel that way. She said she forgave me and then let it go without lingering resentment and bad feelings. This is a change.

5 W unexpectedly dropped a "if we continue living together..." in the middle of a conversation. I didn't ask her what she meant as we were discussing something else, but I was surprised that she said that.

6 I have been really busy with work and kids and the rest of my life, trying to not let my situation define me and how I feel. It's still a roller coaster but I'm getting better at this one day at a time living. Deep breaths. Carpe Diem.

[Gordie]

I agree with Ownit. There are many reasons not to be critical of W in front of kids, including:
1. Being critical is a lousy character trait. Avoid being negative which most people dislike.
2. Critising W reinforces negative thoughts in your subconscious mind which will affect your behavior/actions.
3. Your kids are young and they take for facts the opinions of others. To them it is a fact. I see this a lot with my boys. Our neighbour once told me that in part of his garden he had "cow grass" meaning really thick growth. My sons overheard him and are convinced he has cow grass. A silly example but the same occurs when negative. My W is critical and negative about many things in the car. The boys blindly make the same comments.I am stamping this out but it goes to show the power kids put on words
4. It could be repeated back to W. As it is a truth that is not necessarily a bad thing but she is likely to take it negatively. You need to avoid adding negativity into the equation. Your W has not fully decided if she wants to stay. Avoid giving her reasons not to. Don't walk on eggshells bit no need to push her either.

Long story short I think you're right on this.

A word of caution. Your W is seeking something that may not be achievable for her as is. Until she can quieten her thoughts and decides she already has what she wants, she has equal chance of deciding to leave as she does to stay. Be ready to let her go if she decides that is her path. That will take enormous strength but I am confident you can do that. Maybe prepare your plan B for that eventuality. Have projects and goals lined up so if that happens you have something else to invest in. Make it something attractive to you.

Best wishes

Own it and Roist,

Thank you for the advice. I never say bad things about w to the kids. I know that this must be hard on them too which is why they are asking me about w. A lot of questions get answered with an unsatisfing I don't know.

Roist,

Thank you for the word of caution. I am well aware that we may end up being separated and divorced. I have a L. I have a plan. I still hope it doesn't come to that.

[Gordie]

Weekly update:

I was away for a few days for work. During the time apart we exchanged a few friendly texts and a few short conversations.

When I came back home, w was in a bad mood. At first I thought she was mad at me but I readjusted back to my more PMA that she probably isn't mad at me but about something else.

All afternoon and evening, we both did little things to try to reconnect with each other but she was just too stressed and exhausted to do much so I gave her space and reconnected with the kids, made the family dinner and put them to bed. After that, w was more relaxed and we were able to talk some more before she went to bed.

Feelings:

I am still hoping to bust my d but sometimes I wonder if my hope is a bad thing. SBJ was just writing about this on his thread with Roist and I think my hope is a good thing as long as it's not keeping me from detaching, GAL and letting go of the outcome.

Carpe diem!

[SBJ]

Thanks for stopping by my thread and mentioning me in yours. I think as far as the "Hope" thing is concerned...we should focus it on us. We have the hope and faith that we will be ok thru all of this. At this point I am trying to focus on the journey I am on. There is a song by Sanctus Real called Lead me...the last line says "Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone." Great song, and I am trying to rely on God's words and on His love for me to keep fighting the fight. If she comes around then she will have to make some effort to helping me save this thing. If she does not then my kids will see that I am not the one that gives up on those that I love and that love me.

I lost my last grandfather today and I wrote a letter to my W and her side of the family telling them of his passing. It's funny that we all, at times, argue with, fight with, and question mortality at times in our lives, but the one thing that should keep us grounded and certain is the love of family.

You are awesome and on a path of reconciliation whether you see it or not...keep your hope and faith alive.

[roist]

Too early to consider this as reconciliation but it is possible.. ...

[SBJ]

Roist I guess I meant reconciliation with himself and his re-examining who he is and what he wants. This has so many of us confused and twisted that we are unsure of anything anymore. I know I was kind of cocky and sure of myself before I started dating my W. I don't know at what point that changed, but after BD I was definitely not confident in my own shoes. I feel that guy coming back and I am so glad he is. I really like that guy. Haha.

You guys are awesome. Have a great weekend.

[Gordie]

SBJand Roist,

Thank you for your kind words. Agree it's too early to call this a reconciliation. Agree that the only reconciliation thus far has been within myself.

***Refonciliation with self***

Post b d, I blamed myself for everything, including the EA. W did raise many valid points and it took me time to process them. The list was long but the big three were/are:

1. Not listening to w
2. Putting myself first
3. Boring and bad sex

Wow, that's an ugly list and a sure way to kill a m. I know that now. I own up to my failures and have taken concrete steps to fix the things in my control. I am a better person and h and father than I was a year ago. The self improvement project is far from done; it's a daily choice. And some days, I'm tired of trying so hard but I keep pressing on because I still love my w and want to bust this d and save my family and have a new and better m.

***Reconciliation with wife?***

Some have asked me why I haven't given up? For another man, maybe it would be the right thing to move on, but I haven't felt that is the right for me yet. Is reconciliation with wife possible at this stage? If I had to ignore words and just observe actions, here are the side of the debate:

No

1. She has filed for d.
2. She is living a much more independent life, separate from the family.
3. She no longer wants PDA, not even hand holding.
4. We are sleeping in separate rooms.

Yes

1. W is no longer spewing/angry at me; she has moved to a place where she can thank me, compliment me and do nice little things for me.
2. W goes through cycles of pursuing and distancing; when she pursues, she wants to spend time together, wants to do things together, wants to have sex, wears her ring.
3. W is no longer pushing me to move out.
4. W has not proposed a d agreement.

My d b coach says my w is not done with me yet. All observations and advice welcome! Thanks to everyone who has helped me on this journey.

[SBJ]

Gordie, I wish I had some advice to give. My W is closer to done than yours. I also fight with giving in or giving up. It is a decision that only we can make when we are ready.

I lost a grandfather last week and something hit me that I needed to take the next step with our D. Not giving up, but playing the next piece so to speak. We will see what happens.

My prayers are with you daily...for you and all of us on here going through this BS. We, the LBS's, are definitely stronger each day that we endure this trial. I cannot say the same for our spouses. Be patient and pray. He knows that we are battling for our marriages and our families. At some point He will allow us the peace we deserve, not matter if our spouses come home or not.