..goin' down the only road I've ever known

[Ginger1]

Hey Zues!

I am looking at FF from every different angle. I understand certain things, I don't fault him for most, but I do fault him for some, and that makes me angry. but all my feelings aren't anger. While I am the parent and it is my responsibility to decide who I let into my child's life, he knew my hesitation and why I had it. If he was so sure of these deal breakers from the beginning and he expressed them to me, the meeting would have never ever happened. The dating would have ended as fast as it began. I am mad that he thought so little of our R which he made such a big deal out of and called serious, thought so little of me and my D to call it off on a decision made overnight via text. Something he is SO against. It was cowardly and disrespectful in my opinion. It certainly showed his age.

In the next breath if this is what he wants, its what he wants. I think he did gift me the chance to be with the one who knows what he wants and isn't afraid of it. I do hope he finds what he is looking for. I hope he makes the life he is so desperate for. I also hope he takes more caution if he decides to go down the single mom route yet again. I know I will take more caution myself.

I think I am good at forgiving and letting go because and moving on with my life because I don't want anyone here who doesn't want to be here. I spent 9 years of my life with my exH like that. he didn't want to be here, yet he didn't want to be alone. I hung on for dear life. Many times I should have just let him go. The only reason why I regret not doing that was because I wouldn't have gotten my daughter.

Getting out of bed is hard most days. Not just because of what FF did. I mean, I legit miss him. He gave a presence in my life and my home that was missing for sometime. I think I just really miss that. It's not anger holding me down. It's the loss of someone who I wanted there for the right reasons. But I certainly never wanted him to stay for the wrong reasons.

Thank you Zues. I hope one day I wake up and I just feel good again. I am sure it will come. I think my birthday is making it harder. I'm your age, but when your boyfriend breaks up with you because you are too old..... the fact that 9 years sped by and I never had another child or got remarried as everyone loved to assure me I would..... well, it's a little bit of a kick in the gut. I am hoping after my birthday, things will brighten up.

[Zues126]

To clarify, the reason I didn't respond to how he entered the relationship despite the presence of 'deal breakers' is that I am not assigning much meaning to him saying that. The first rule of DB is "believe none of what they say and half of what they do". To me this was just fill in the blank stuff. All we really know is that he isn't continuing the relationship.

Happy birthday G. The good news about getting older is that at some point our life gets so screwed up it doesn't even resemble what we originally envisioned. And that can be a blessing as it helps bring about the death of our expectations and allows us to just enjoy what the heck is actually happening here.

[Georgiabelle]

I think Z makes some good points, G. Peeps say things that don't necessarily translate into truth, facts, reality or whatever we want to call it. I also love your point that our lives become something that didn't remotely resemble what we thought they would so, eh. Guess we wing it. :-)

G, your comments about "what people said" really resonate with me right now. Isn't that crazy that when people say things, we sometimes assume they know something we don't? Like "of course you will remarry and have another child." And I certainly hope you get exactly what you want. You are a fantastic lady! However, I always roll my eyes when I get the rah rah speech from folks. I know they mean well and have good intentions. Just words to me. It's kind of like when folks have said, "x is attracted to you. " I thought "really?" Because I don't feel that and I do believe our intuition (when tuned) is right. And folks backtrack when they are wrong. And trust me. This isn't about right or wrong and you know that. It's about recognizing we don't *always* get exactly what we want. Sigh. We all know that, right ? And everything has to play itself out and we are part of the players in the scenes.

I hope this next birthday brings the best year ever. Hang in there. I know you are having a tough time of it. You are a great friend and support to many here!

[Ginger1]

truth most certainly does not always translate into facts.

Georgia- When people say those things they are always good intentioned. but when we have lived the fact that the way things should go aren't the way they go, we know better than to count on it. Which is maybe why I can't sit here and say "one day I
'll meet the one". I very well may not! I may just as well be single for the rest of my life. I have no clue.

Right now I am taking everything for face value. I have this thing about human connections. They are sacred to me. I like to honor them. I was in the process of tucking FF away into a nice little box treasuring our time together and the way he felt about me..... but then my gut kicked in. Fb is evil. When he liked me and wanted to ask me out, he liked all my posts. I see him doing somewhat that to a mutual friend now on FB. A hater of our R because she was jealous who was rude to us the last time we saw her. Whom he had not so nice things to say about. I think he going for the kill. Could be paranoia. could be the truth. I lose my crap for real when this repeatedly happens, so I am prepping myself for the worst. I unfolowed her on Fb so I don't have to see his likes. But I will surely find out due to the mutual friends.

I'm trying to see it as desperation on finding the baby momma. But if it does happen, I will see it as a true disrespect to me and what we had. I will lose it momentarily, but I will try to keep it together.

I truly hope that I'm just being crazy and paranoid. But every time I hope that, it turns out I am not.

I also found out that I have to find somewhere to volunteer related to my course study for 10 hours over the course of 3 particular weeks and I need to start in a week. This is just about impossible for me. To find a place that fast and find the time and someone to watch D9.

Today was a one step forward 2 steps back kind of day.

[DonH]

Part of me wonders if I should not just leave this alone. In many ways, what difference does it all make? You (we all) may never know what really went on in his head. Besides it won't change the outcome. I do hoe it might help you for the future though.

Is this the "desperate" girl from the gym you are speaking of? I remember FF said he was turned off by her. If it's her I understand your angst.

Thing is, I really have to wonder if FF was as all in as you seem to want to paint him to have been. He may have been. You were there and we were not. I just know that guys in general - especially younger ones - just are not wired that way. All of his actions seem to be of a guy who went out with someone for three months, really enjoyed it but now has moved on. That mode fits very well with his actions - including deciding overnight, not having you meet his parents, not grieving much over the breakup. It just all fits. You wanted more. I have to wonder if you saw what you wanted to in some ways. It does not make him bad unless he all out lied to you. I just don't think he did. I think you were just both in different places.

For me it fits well with some women I dated earlier in life. Several I can think of were great ladies. I look back at our time together very fondly to this day. They just were not for me long term. Would they think otherwise? Were they surprised when I ended it? A few were in talking to them years later.

G, if he does go on to date again sometime soon it will not diminish you or who you are. It won't mean he did not really like you. It will just more mean it was not to be. You really need to stop annalizing a day romanticize get it all. It's only going to make you feel worse for longer. He's not worth that.

[uRworthy]

Hi G. Just my two cents...now I know I come from a place of knowing you personally and loving you. However..had he not done this before, I could maybe understand his feelings. But..he did. He was with someone with a kid who was older. And I am sorry, but, he needed to think it through before he got into that situation again. Especially knowing that how you feel about your daughter and bringing someone into her life.

And I dont care what everyone else does..it doesnt make it right..you do not break up with someone through text. You just dont. And to me, it is cowardly.

It doesnt make him a bad person. You wouldnt have been with someone who was.

If we dont have some expectations of how we should treat each other, than what's the point?

G, the only way to do this is through it. No short cuts, I'm afraid.
And you will do it. In your wonderful G way.

[DonH]

you do not break up with someone through text. You just dont. And to me, it is.

I could not agree more!

As to why did he do it again, who knows? His age? He hoped he might feel different? He was not thinking? But it could also be asked, why was he allowed to do it a second time? Hopefully no one will be #3

[uRworthy]

Hello DonH. I dont think we have ever "met". . You bring up some good points. I know G so that comes into it for me and maybe that isnt fair.

You are right...who knows why he did it? I do not know if he told G that he broke up with the other woman because he wanted to start a family or that she was too old. I guess I always hope that people try to do the right thing with honor and integrity. I know that I can sometimes be disappointed in that way.

At the end of the day, we all have to own our actions and hopefully learn from them.

Here's the thing about Ginger. She is ferocious at looking within. She attacks it. Sometimes a little too much, I think. Although I am guilty of it myself at times. She is terribly hard on herself. To know her is to understand the depth of how she loves. If you are a part of her life...you are truly a part of it. She is loyal to a fault.

G, it is not just words when I tell you that I believe, deep in my soul, that everything happens as it should. And most of the time, we dont realize it til much later. I know that doesnt help the pain now, though.

Remember that you will not always feel as you do right now. You have known the very depths of heartache and came out the other side. You will again.

Be gentle with yourself. Rest, eat, exercise, cry...be around people and be alone. And I think it is an incredible gift what you have given these men. You are, after all, deep in your soul...a nures. It is part of what makes you...you.

[Ginger1]

Wow, these posts. Thank you for the insight and helping me through my feelings.

Don- I can guarantee you he was all in this and not me just hoping he was. Like I said, I was kind of weirded out at first by it. Never happened before. Always planning things in the future, calling our relationship "serious" Spending as much time with me as we could. Calling whenever he got a chance during the day, always calling to say good night. Good morning texts, calls on the way to work. letting me know every detail of his day. (without me eliciting this info) talking about future stuff. Vacation. Wedding date invites. Wanting me to spend the day with him and his nephew. making sure I got home safe all the time. Telling me "I am his" he could be jealous and I think he was a little thrown off I don't get jealous.

A big thing, and you may understand as a FF is that they are the biggest ballbusters ever. It's like hazing and he has his one full year on the job Saturday. In that first year they try to break you down (this is career, paid FF in the ghetto). He told me on the first date how he lets them know absolutely nothing about his personal life no matter how much they try to break him down. he is a stone wall. Well, he let them know all about me. he spoke of me often as his girlfriend. Even showed them pictures of me on FB. That was a HUGE deal for him.

So yeah, this guy was into me, into us as a couple. Then one day he was not. One day he decided he wants different things for his future, cut me off via text and after being in my life almost every hour of the day, may it be via text, he exited out completely. So, hence my trying to make sense of this crap.

I am indeed hurt he went from being a big part of my life to know part of my life like it was nothing. Is he just going about his business not thinking of me? I have no clue? I questioned if there was an other woman. No. Like I said, I knew everything about every hour of the day.

What do I know? He was struggling big time for a month. He expressed so much discontent for things not going the way he wants. For his business to not be the way he wants and how he doesn't want to be a business owner anymore. He wants to learn a new trade and all this stuff. he is so stressed. Other people get what they want without working for it. lot so jealousy of others. lots of frustration he wasn't where he wanted to be. Admitted lots anger and frustration over this.

I think one day he saw me as a barrier to the future he really wants. And I was something he had control over. Our future was yet another frustrating situation but I was one he could easily be rid of. So, he eliminated a stressor. But all along I thought I was a positive in his life, not a negative.

Yes, the other woman was one of the two who were very hot on his a$$. Not the muffin one who admitted her jealousy, but another instructor at the gym who began to ignore me, make a big deal over my child, and point him out during class all the time and challenge me to do hard stuff in class (which I always took and always kicked its butt, I am in good shape). HE couldn't stand her. The final straw was our last class when we came together and she wouldn't even look or talk to us. If this is the one he is after, yeah, I am pissed.

it kills me. He knew these two women wanted him. he had no clue I was interested in him. I wasn't even really at first. I thought he was cute, but too young, so I didn't give it a second thought. He had some fertile younger unattached single women wanting him, yet he went for me.

I am long winded because this is all stuff that goes through my mind. But I am realizing I just can't make sense of it. it is simply over now. I am hurt and confused how someone shuts off feelings like that and disappears. But trying to understand it will only have me spinning in circles.

[Ginger1]

UR- your post seriously made me cry. But not in a bad way. I can't tell you how comforting it is when someone "gets" you.

He was hesitant to tell me about his exGF because he was afraid I was going to think older moms was his "thing". He did share early on though. he cared about the kid. His GF however was very controlling and jealous and he couldn't take it anymore. He did admit, he liked the whole "family" thing. I remember that spurring into a convo about how the family and future thing is so enticing, I have been enticed by it before, but I realize you really have to love the person you are with as an individual to make that whole family thing work. He did tell me "plus, she was too old (42) to have more kids and I wanted kids"

he needs to stop repeating this pattern. I could see him date a young single mother with a young kid who can have more. But really, he needs to be careful.

When my ex left me, I was so terrified to look within. I was so afraid of what I might find there. But I realized the worst happened, my husband left me for another woman, so its time to dig deep, there could be no horrible consequence. I guess I just kept digging. There are things in life that are must-haves for me too. I figure if I keep doing that inner work, I'll get closer. I take it a little too far. I began writing about how I might be hard to love and why..... then I realized I'm doing it again.

What it comes down to: I am a lovable long-term person for the right one. I loved my ex even though he treated me awfully. I cared for on a different level for the first guy I sort of dated but we became a very important part of each others lives in a different way. I made my man mistakes...... I Loved exNG even though he couldn't give anything to me. I loved FF for what he did give me, what we gave each other and for exactly who he was. I couldn't be more sad he gave it up in the blink of an eye and just exited me and D9's life without looking back. I'm going to believe his reasons for now, and the believe he did care and had strong feelings for me and that he has to deal with his demons because he's got them.

I am also going to believe everything truly happens for a reason. I am going to keep on believing bigger better doors are going to open for me and I am getting closer to my goal, even when it feels farther away