Thank you Gordie and Ownit, I'm with both of my grown kids, and they are amazing. these ^^are the blessings to hold onto and remember. ((( )))
I just can't believe I wasn't the "one in a million" whose situation wasn't about him choosing someone else. Don't be hard on yourself for choosing to believe what your h told you. Besides, you were loyal to him; is it really crazy or stupid to assume he'd be the same?
I just feel so very sad and disappointed. Yes you do. And my heart is breaking for you.
But tomorrow is a new day. And I WILL SURVIVE!
Oh Yes I know you will. Please Get information from the L, and go from there. NO NEED to blurt out or confront until you know your financial ducks are in a row.
I don't want to panic you or make you feel worse than you already do. But your h has had a head start in this.
As long as he thinks you don't know, you may be able to take some protective actions and waiting a few days to do so, will not be a setback.
Time to go into self preservation mode. Understanding all this and wrapping your brain around it and all the rest
comes after you protect yourself. Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You are an amazing and very loved woman. I'm sorry your H is too blind to see what he's losing. I do feel in my heart that he will see that some day.
Surround yourself with loved ones, and hear their words of praise about you and let the love in their hearts fill your heart up, because yours has sprung a leak. They will be your strength to carry you through. (We will, too, of course.)
This flawed man doesn't define your worth. He's searching for something and I don't think he can find it in a person. But he's going to try, apparently, all while hoping to keep you on the line as he takes risks to build up his ego.
You are no one's safety option, and I am glad that you see that. I'm sorry that your H doesn't see it right now, but he's not looking through clear lenses.
Lay down those boundaries about how you will allow yourself to be treated. Don't show him your cards or tell him what you know.
I've gotten the names of several local lawyers from my neighbor, who is becoming such a good, loyal friend. (She is a retired local attorney.) So tomorrow I will begin calling these recs to make an appointment.
HOW in the WORLD do average people afford to get divorced??? Do lawyers allow payment plans? For crying out loud, I wouldn't imagine most people have 5-10K just lying around in a savings account to pull out and spend on a divorce. Especially if it's not one you've been planning from your side of the street. Luckily, my mom said she will help me financially with however much this is going to cost, but that piece is very frightening to me.
My daughter leaves for her cross country move on Tuesday. That is not helping with my emotional state right now, although I'm so happy for her, and she and her H are over the top excited. I will fly out next Monday for a week to help them get settled, so I'm looking forward to that distraction.
I know life will go on for me, and I will begin to be interested in living that life in a full way as a single woman, but the prospect of starting a personal life over at my age seems very daunting today. I'm trying not to focus on the deep sadness right now, but it's a struggle. I had some very dark thoughts today that were a little frightening to me. My IC is on vacation, of all times, but my next appointment is early August. She and I will have quite a bit of catching up to do, since my last appointment I was planning his visit, my birthday, and he was calling and texting every day.
(And for anyone who is about to say, get out and GAL, you know that I know that is what I need to do- and I will. I'm just being very honest about how I feel at 2:45 in the morning, feeling more alone than I have in a very long time.) I know this is not a site designed as a pity party, but if I can't be honest here, then I don't think I will be honest anywhere. This, too, will pass. But oh my, the white hot pain takes my breath away. I'm trying to just feel it, rather than feel my way around it. I know there's no bypass.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
After reading this forum and over on Chunky Lady all night long, I got up today feeling extremely empowered. I pray it lasts!
Went out at 6AM, mowed and weed eat my whole lawn, swam a few laps in the pool, came inside and started making phone calls. I've contacted an attorney who should be calling me back later today to set up an appointment. Also talked with an old friend from hometown who now works in state government here in the capital, and she has already set me up with two job interviews for later this week for part time work downtown right in the middle of all the government action. What better place to dress professionally, work part time, go "out to lunch", meet people, and just generally GAL?
I can't even remember if I was married or not..... oh wait, yes I was, to someone who tossed me aside. But I'm only seeing that briefly in my rear view mirror as I speed toward my new life.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I'm happy to see you feeling so strong today. One thing I think you should do though is really try to connect with what you want with respect to H. You should definitely talk to the L and get your options and have an idea what that looks like. I think you should also think through what is really different today than it has been in the last six months.
If I recall correctly he had at minimum owned up to a previous one night stand so you knew that he was committing adultery. I think you have known for some time that he has been using his job as an excuse to avoid seeing and talking to you.
Does the knowledge that he is continuing the same behaviors change anything for you? Can you forgive one woman, but not two? Can you forgive a ONS but not a PA with an EA component? Do you think he is MLC? Does that change anything for you?
I'm not trying to tell you how to feel or what you should do. I know that in the past though you cycle pretty quickly between hope and despair, between strength and weakness, and between over and still trying.
I just would like to see you slow down a bit on the exit to the marriage and not make any rash decisions. Information gathering is a great thing and processing is necessary, but sometimes action needs to wait a bit.
I think you are really the GAL Queen when you set yourself to it.
Yes, all good points, Ownit. I was crushed about the ONS, and he appeared to be also. I think that would have been very forgivable for me, with the right amount of desire on both parts and MC. I was even OK with his needing more time and space, and I think we were on to something around March, working our way back together.
But something happened around that time. He began to postpone his trips, call less frequently, just less contact in general, and I did blow up a few times on the phone in frustration with him, which seemed to cool things down considerably.
I think I've known in my heart that he doesn't have any desire to work on our marriage. Even with the work pressure, he could have made it happen if it was his desire. But even with that, I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt.
This new revelation of a resort vacation for 6 days? And the phone records that show the two of them texting all during the day and way into the night, her texting a wake up call every morning..... and the records don't go back past March, but it appears to have dramatically escalated about the time things started to cool off for us. To me, this is so much more than a drunken ONS. I won't live like this.
H is a very tender-hearted man, or at least the man he was...... and I truly believe he knows it's over too, but he doesn't want to hurt me. However, the abandonment has hurt far worse than just a clean break.
I still love him very much, and as crushed as I am to lose him, if I'm honest, he's been gone for months. This is me, finally having enough of the excuses, to take back control of my own life. I need legal security, because if this goes ugly, I will have some real money issues.
By filing, I am not saying I wouldn't ever want a new relationship with him, because how could I possibly know right now? But what I do have to do is protect myself financially, and the only way I know to do that is to file. I don't know that he ever would, because what would change for him? Unless he wants to marry again.
I'm going to the lawyer this afternoon at 2:30 with an open mind as to how I can best protect myself and this house, and if that means filing for a divorce, I'm prepared to do that. I need to be in control of me, and stop planning my life and plans around the hope that he may truly want us back. If he does, then he still will, later down the road, or he won't, but I am doing this for self-preservation.
Yes, I agree, I do go hot and cold OFTEN, from despair to hope, etc. You nailed that! But this is not action that I am taking based on emotion. It's proactive rather than the way I've lived the last 6 months, which has been reactive.
This may or may not be MLC. I'm not that hung up on labels, because in the end, I'm not sure it really makes that much difference. For whatever reason, he's cheating, in another relationship, and doing nothing towards wanting to get "us" back. I'm a very forgiving, loving person, and this hurts, but I think it's time to look out for Leah.
Thank you for your honest response! It has made me stop and think a little more, but I believe I'm doing the right thing.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Make sure to ask you L about options involving legal separation. In many states you separate all the assets and leave the divorce for later. Then when one of the parties files, the legal separation becomes the terms of the divorce so usually all that is involved is waiting out the mandatory waiting period. Now if you filed for that, he could just turn around and file for divorce, but he could do that any time. Going with a legal separation may protect your financial interests at a time when he is likely feeling guilty and being more generous, but leave open the divorce until you really detach and have time to parse what you want and he has a chance to play out his greener grass theory.
Also, talk to your L about his income. Sounds like perhaps he had a huge jump in his income less than a year ago. If that is the case and depending on length of marriage, etc., it may be beneficial to wait a bit so he has more time at that income before pulling the trigger in case that has an impact on your ability to get alimony (does your state have it, how long a marriage to trigger, does the recent separation affect it).
Do you get health insurance through him? If so that could be another benefit of LS v. D as you likely could keep it through a LS (check the plan) but not through a D.
Lots of stuff to think about here but try to separate the business part of this from the emotional for now. My thoughts are with you.
So it's done. I went yesterday and met with attorney. We hammered out my proposal of a settlement agreement, which he is preparing now and will have ready for me to look over again, then it will be delivered for H's signature or counter.
H is aware that I have taken this step, and so far has not responded, which is not unusual. My hope and prayer is that he just wants this to go away quietly, and that we don't end up in court.
I've shared with my close people the way I presented to him what I had done. I have gotten some criticism (although given very kindly) that I probably was far too nice in my delivery. My response was, and still is, this may very well be the last communication H hears from me, and how do I want to be remembered? In a kind, dignified, graceful way. I'm the one who has to live with my own behavior and actions, so I choose to do it in a way I can live with and feel proud of.
No regrets. Are there things I could have done differently? Absolutely.
Did I give this marriage every chance in my power to survive? Absolutely.
And at the end of the day, that's all any of us can do. What we believe is our very best effort. The rest is out of our control.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
My response was, and still is, this may very well be the last communication H hears from me, and how do I want to be remembered? In a kind, dignified, graceful way. I'm the one who has to live with my own behavior and actions, so I choose to do it in a way I can live with and feel proud of.
That's beautiful, well said! Good luck, I hope it all goes smoothly!
