First time here, part 3

[Thornton]

Hey Leah,

Lean into that pain. That's one thing I learned in all of this, you either lean into it and allow yourself to feel. Or, you run from the pain for years to come.

Your H will regret this one day.

[leahsue]

Yeah, I agree Thornton. But I'm not sure what that really, really means in a practical way. Let myself cry when I feel sad? That kind of thing?

[AnotherStander]

Yeah, I agree Thornton. But I'm not sure what that really, really means in a practical way. Let myself cry when I feel sad? That kind of thing?

Yes, let yourself feel the pain. Don't try to push it away. The fastest way is through it, not around it. A lot of us try to repress those feelings and pretend we're OK, but when we do that it usually just comes out later with 10x the force. I never cried growing up. There were times that I thought I should, but it was like I just couldn't. Wow, that all ended after BD, LOL! I cried driving to work. I cried driving home. I locked myself in the bedroom and cried. I cried so much I was just in awe and wonder of it, I never would have thought it possible, especially for ME. I wish I could say it made me feel better, but it really didn't. It just didn't make me feel worse. Over time I cried less and less until I just stopped one day. THEN I really did start feeling better.

[leahsue]

Just as soon as I got on here and asked, what does "feel the pain" really look like..... I got a first-hand lesson. So crazy. My little faithful dog who is 13, tends to get hot spots, then keeps them irritated, and every now and then has to go to the vet, get antibiotic, etc. Usually I can catch it early, put baby socks on her little feet, and keep the scratching from making an open sore. Well, with everything else going on, I let one on her shoulder go too far, with me just trying to treat it at home, and today it looked awful. So I took her to the vet, they cleaned the place up and shaved around it, and by the time they had left the room to go get her meds for me to take home, she had ripped it right open again, blood everywhere. They said not to cover it, that it needed air, etc... so here I go to Walmart to buy more baby socks, wipes, and stuff. I left the car locked and running with her in it, and when I came out, she had torn into the place and (although it looks WAY worse than the actual sore, because she is white so the blood stains a much bigger area) and is sitting in the driver's seat of the car, looking up at me with these huge, sad eyes, and people, I just lost my $hit. I got in the car, held her, and cried and cried and cried. I just sat there until I could breathe again, and we came on home. Normally, that kind of thing would have just been, wow, this isn't cool, but today, it triggered something. Maybe that H has not even seemed to miss her these last 6 months, and this would have been a moment I would have picked up the phone and we would have talked it through, what to do, oh poor little dog...... and it just felt so ALONE.

So maybe today, I let myself feel the pain. Was sad. Cried. Then put the car in drive, and went home.

I guess be careful when you ask the universe a question. Because you may get the answer that very day.

[cadence]

((((leah))))

Ugh, I'm so sorry. How funny - my little elderly doggie is having foot trouble and has been limping and I'm trying to figure out why.

I feel similarly to you when you say you were sad because H doesn't seem to miss her. When H was angry with me and ignoring me, he'd ignore her, too. And she's just a loving little thing that didn't deserve it. (But, you know what, that could be applied to me, too!)

Hugs to your doggie, too. She'll be okay. She's got an owner who loves her and that's usually all a doggie needs to be blissfully happy.

My heart hurts for you as you begin on this journey. Who knows what will happen. I know you say that you think H's silence was because he knows it's over, but I don't agree with that. He hasn't wanted to do anything that may anger you, and that, to me, is him wanting you to still be available to him. Plus, he sent you flowers. Many of us get zero acknowledgment on our birthdays.

So, keep your chin up. It's best to assume it's over, just so you don't get lost in hope, but I'm not sure he's ready to let go of Leahsue. I do agree with making him pry off his grip of you if that's what you need, though.

[leahsue]

Thanks for that Cadence! (((((your little dog))))))

Here are some thoughts another wise woman penned that may help some of us when tempted to reach for that cell phone and break the NC-

~Give yourself some peace. Any contact with him does not create peace or tranquility or better understanding; it only perpetuates distress and confusion. It never solves anything for you.

~You are not the gift that keeps on giving. So Just Stop! You are pouring yourself into a black hole.

~Contacting him will only remind you of how unimportant you are to him. Last thing you need right now is someone showing you how much you don’t matter. Don’t give it the space.

~He does not want what you have offered him. He has turned you down, time and time and time and time again. Why are you still offering him anything at all?

~You cannot change him; you cannot get through to him. The only thing you can change is your own behavior. So change it.

~He is not going to care about you. You need to care about you. Be your own best friend. Do what you know is good FOR YOU.

~Confusion, hurt, dishonesty, and disappointment are not kindly, well-intentioned gentlemen callers. Close the door.

~Give him a new experience of you. Your silence.

~Remember: you are not in the same relationship. He is not in this with you. You are riding solo to Miseryville via Miseryville. Get off the horse.

~He is neither emotionally nor physically available for you. He is somewhere else, on some other planet. So long as you remain emotionally and physically available for him you are burying and abandoning yourself in a loveless tomb – all by yourself. Why would you do that?

[OwnIt]

Very good Leah. A nice reminder. Although once you get down the road a bit further you won't need this. I would rather clean the toilets than talk to mine at this point.

[BluWave]

(((leah))) I'm sorry. It hurts on so many levels--the lies, betrayal, more lies, and it can feel like someone is playing with your mind. But you are one strong lady and I know you will come out stronger than before. I have no doubt.

Sadly, at this point, I am more surprised when I find out the spouse ISN'T having an A! I tend to think even in that case, the LBS just never knew. ... Anyhow, I am not sure how much this info changes things for you. Yes, it hurts so terribly and deeply. It can even have us questioning what our M ever meant, where we went wrong, and who we are as a person (people). Here is what I truly believe now though, years further, and that is that it is really not about us. It is about them and their inability to cope with life's hardships or complex R's.

There is a way to handle hardships with respect and dignity and sadly your H has shown you his weakness. Please know that this is not a reflection of you or the woman that you are. It was up to him to talk to you and be an honest partner in how he dealt with the M and the issues (that all Ms have). I cannot say this enough times to you (and to every poster here).

So what does this change? I don't tend to think it changes that much. Often the A runs it's course, and there is some data that shows that to be 6 mos - 2 years or something. Sometimes the S has an awakening and sometimes then they come back. Sometimes they don't. Rarely do I think these As work out that well, as it is often a pipe dream or some fantasy. Either way, you don't have to wait to find out. It is perfectly fine to start taking action and file for D now and I think that even empowers some people. Maybe it will scare him to come running back? I don't know, but please don't let that be your reason.

In terms of what it changes emotionally, I don't know that it will help much. He is still gone--A or no A--and he has been checked out for some time now. You knew that--I could tell from your writings. Flowers or not, he has been gone. It still hurts all the same. As others say, just feel that pain. Allow it and process it. If you start to detach more or less well, that is okay too. Everything will unfold in time as it should. You will come out stronger because I can tell that you want that.

If there is something I want to say to you it is something that got me through. I held on to this belief that things never stay the same and things can always get better. Remember a time in your life when things felt terrible, devastating, or scary. Then recall how you felt a year later, then 5, and then 10. ... Well this will be like that too. That I can promise.

Take care, sweetie. You don't have to DO anything now. It is okay just to be present and allow some sadness and healing. There is always more time to do the rest.

Blu

[T384]

Hi Leah,

So sorry to hear of the recent developments but I believe it helps to maybe not find out about the A in the beginning as we are dealing with so many emotions as it is... you are in a better place although it doesn't seem like it now.

Thank you for referring me to the NC list - I will probably need to refer to it often. It is so eye opening and true.

Your H affair will fizzle out. I actually think its better when they stop being hidden. It allows it to be tested and it's moved from fantasy to have the pressures of the real world coupled with the judgments from those who know how and when this started. They can say all they want that it didn't happen until after but the only people that believe that are the people you don't care about the begin with.

Sorry to go off on a tangent, I remember being where you were last BD finding out. Trust me, it will get better. My dad tells me all the time - he who laughs last laughs the longest, just remember that.

[leahsue]

Hi friends,
Just posting to say hello. I'm reading along every day trying to keep up with people's sitch. Just not much to post right now on my own.

I got the draft from attorney late Thursday, and there were some major errors in it from the numbers we had discussed in our meeting. He left on vacation Wednesday and will be back in office Monday. I leave Monday for Washington for the week, so a little bit of frustration at not being here to clear this up.

I had some mild panic during the night after I got the draft, thinking about, what if this is the best he thinks I can get? I can't even live off this- and it would be cutting what I get from H now by 3/4. So I called my mom the next morning and asked for the info on her financial advisor that she and my dad have used for years. I gave him a call and got his assistant, who was SO supportive and told me to bring her the draft, along with some of my numbers, etc. I met with her yesterday and she spent over an hour just talking me through it all.... and the serendipitous part is..... her office is two doors down from my attorney, and they have all known each other for years. Small world. She said I'm in good hands, and that the numbers were just an oversight. She said he would never have arbitrarily changed my numbers on his own. She said I should stick with what I've asked, and go even more, and get into his pension. I felt much more empowered after spending time with her.

Anyway, that's all I can do for now. Let go until I can get all this straightened out..... and head WEST YOUNG LADY to see my sweet daughter and enjoy every minute out there. This mess will wait until I get back.

Silence from H. But that's OK. MUCH easier that way.