W went to my lawyer's office on Friday and signed the agreement. Divorce should be final late July.
I'm of two minds. I'm "happy" that the things I was worried about aren't going to happen now. I'm not happy because W was crying her eyes out when she did it. I still also feel like a failure because our marriage failed.
W has been spewing. Telling me how much she hates me (and then telling me she doesn't). Telling me that the last few months when she has been looking at me with disgust and contempt, it was really sadness and longing (for me). D spent all weekend with her grandmother instead of W. According to MIL, it's because W didn't want to do ANYTHING at all.
I'm sad and angry. Sad for obvious reasons. I didn't want to move on, hoping that she would come back. At some point I stopped wanting that. One foot in front of the other. Angry because I'm being blamed. Angry because if what she's saying is true, I was supposed to read her mind to know that she just wanted her husband, and beat my head against the wall of rejection. Angry because it feels like W didn't want me until someone else did. Angry because I'm mad at myself.
Dating... wow. the date I went on was the best one I'd been on in my entire life. Chemistry. The kind of thing that only happens in movies. We practically kissed at dinner. We DID miss the entire movie because we were busy kissing. Four dates in two weeks. Each one better than the last. Incredible!
That ended last night. W's spewing got to me. I ended up spewing back. GF never wanted to be in the middle of a marriage. She bowed out. I could have made her stay, but then she wouldn't be her, and something beautiful would be gone from the world forever. I don't understand the relationship I had with her. But it was amazing. If we'd met a few months from now, at the right time, I can't even imagine how good my life would have ended up being.
Talked to W last night. I made her promise to get help. We'll see what happens. I still don't want her. If I went back, it would be to make HER happy and not ME happy. Maybe someday. I don't know.
W went to my lawyer's office on Friday and signed the
Dating... wow. the date I went on was the best one I'd been on in my entire life. Chemistry. The kind of thing that only happens in movies. We practically kissed at dinner. We DID miss the entire movie because we were busy kissing. Four dates in two weeks. Each one better than the last. Incredible!
That ended last night. W's spewing got to me. I ended up spewing back. GF never wanted to be in the middle of a marriage. She bowed out. I could have made her stay, but then she wouldn't be her, and something beautiful would be gone from the world forever. I don't understand the relationship I had with her. But it was amazing. If we'd met a few months from now, at the right time, I can't even imagine how good my life would have ended up being.
Talked to W last night. I made her promise to get help. We'll see what happens. I still don't want her. If I went back, it would be to make HER happy and not ME happy. Maybe someday. I don't know.
Ahhhhh, one thing you cannot make anyone do anything. You couldn't have "made" GF stay. It would have to be her choice. Sure, you made wife promise to get help, but you can't make her actually get help.
You can't make anyone do anything. Nor should you ever want to. You want others choices to be their's and pure. Always.
I know I can't make W get help. But I could make per promise, and I did. She needs to be a mom again. I hope she gets it.
I disagree about making GF stay. I could have. Like I said, I don't understand our relationship, but neither one of us had any kind of defenses against the other. Stuff like thhat doesn't happen in real life. I could have TOLD her to stay... and she would have. But she wouldn't have been her, anymore.
Telling and making are 2 different things. You can tell anyone anything you want.
You couldn't have made GF stay. You could have TOLD her to, but it would have been her CHOICE to, although not for the right reasons.
You TOLD your wife to promise to get help. It was her CHOICE to say she would. You didn't make her promise.
Letting control go is not easy. We all want to control situations for the best outcome.
Us humans, however, in most circumstances have free will.
And who knows, maybe one day down the line, you and GF will meet again when the time is right and it will be free will to be together. you really never know.
Dating... wow. the date I went on was the best one I'd been on in my entire life. Chemistry. The kind of thing that only happens in movies. We practically kissed at dinner. We DID miss the entire movie because we were busy kissing. Four dates in two weeks. Each one better than the last. Incredible!
Im glad you had a good time. I just want to warn you to approach these kinds of relationships carefully. How would ou say this relationship is different from any of the affairs you read about on here? Hot and heavy at first because its something new and different. Makes you want to ignore warning signs and move forward at light speed. Im not saying that its BAD, just that you need to kind of keep some perspective. You know this girl for two weeks and youre already picturing a great life together; youre already ready to settle down with this girl and youve only spent what, like 20 hours together?
Originally Posted By: EastTN
Talked to W last night. I made her promise to get help. We'll see what happens. I still don't want her. If I went back, it would be to make HER happy and not ME happy. Maybe someday. I don't know.
You talk about W spewing and you spewing and now youre talking again about her getting therapy and so on. Honestly, this sounds like a ton of communication for someone thats 'moved on'. I imagine that GF could sense your remaining attachment to W. Just my 2 cents.
Slow is on the menu. I have a six year old girl to think about, and I don't have the luxury of giving my heart away easily.
W and I have communicated more in the last couple of days than the last couple of years. The conclusions we've come to though are that this really is over. That we'll hurt each other more and not fix our relationship. That we actually want to be friends again one day, and brutally hurting each other is not going to support that goal.
Of COURSE I have second thoughts. I swore to spend my life with this woman. That she hurt me brutally doesn't change my perception that there is a tiny hole in my heart that will never be filled because it's shaped exactly like her. Nothing else will ever fit there. Someone else will fit into a different place in my heart some day, but not that place.
If I went back, it would be for all the wrong reasons. It would be my inner Nice Guy doing what he always does. I fight against his dumb ass EVERY DAMN DAY. Sometimes he wins, and when he does, it causes me NOTHING but huge amounts of pain.
W doesn't want me enough to get rid of OM (she finally admitted the EA with OM1 and EA/PA with Florida. I still don't have all the truth, but I have enough truth for me to finally let that go). She wanted to keep both of us.
I still love her. Always will. I made that choice. What she does doesn't affect that. But I'm going to love her as my daughter's mother, and not my wife. I really do want to be friends with her again, someday. I want our daughter to have, if not an intact family, at least a pair of parents that love and respect each other, even if they don't want to be with each other.
So the general advice here has been "stop letting W's parenting (or lack thereof) get to you" but something happened on Friday that's a real problem for me. Not a "this makes me feel bad" problem, but a real problem.
D was sick (W says strep) and went to the doctor. After appointment, W had D call me and ask for money for "medicine and popsicles" because W apparently didn't have any money. I was over 50 miles away, and W put D in the middle of an adult conversation, and in the position of asking me for something I couldn't deliver (and I'm pretty sure wasn't really necessary, anyway).
I say I'm pretty sure this was unnecessary because I later got a text from W spewing about how she sees there are things more important than D, and she'd get the money somehow. Complained that the antibiotics were over $60 (but she has a debit card for medical expenses, which means to her the cost was actually $0). The "desperately needed money" was $10 for tylenol and popsicles.
So I basically feel that W just tried to weaponize D. What the hell can I do about that?
I could have TOLD her to stay... and she would have. But she wouldn't have been her, anymore.