Count on ups and downs (III)

[WillDo]

Limbo. More than that total uncladify and fear. I get worried aput many things. Do reach out to mindfulness for mental sanity but just want a response from W. The flat that is on rent is about to be free. Needs repair but she sees me there. But I don't want to leave. And not renting it out will cost us. She specifically said not to rent it out without her consent. I never did. Same thing happened 2 years ago. And hate having to change the tenants. Costly and I deal with and of course she mourns about it.

Today while watching TV on the net, the channel froze. She said I dont know if you are unlicky or atupid. This never happens n my computer.

What a staement. The blame on me. Didn't respond. My patience and her MLC. I avoid victimhood thoughts. I am struggling.

[OwnIt]

Sorry you are having to deal with this poor behavior. I know what really helped me was reaching a point where I honestly don't care what he does next. I know what I am doing and that is what I can control. I think you are feeling fear because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop instead of coming to terms with the worst possible scenario. If you can do that, you can let go of the fear.

[WillDo]

Thanks. GAL. That is key as yoy indicate.

Strange this morning, she had an argument with the girls. Dont know what webt on. End result was I was role taking. The role of dropping them to school? Or a tine when the girls ask a hug from me.

MLC I have to let her do what she wants. And pray for patience and less damage.


I didnt say anything. Couldnt validate as she was catching the train.

[WillDo]

my journal would be possibly sheets of pages everyday. I listen and validate Ll my conversations with W. Many points hurt, I avoid argument and today felt that I was easily seen worthless by anybody. I am the person who lets that. This has always been the case for me and the frason for my endless depression. Worthlessness triggering more worthlessness. Is it the bullying culture? I don't know. All I know is W continues to show me as worthless. Patience patience

[WillDo]

Not enough speak again. And no one else to talk to apart from you.
I do GAL. But I have started to feel insexurd. I worry about everything. I wish there was a spell. As they say W is. controlling the marriage. I can't do antthing about it but myself. And again I don't know what else to change.

[roist]

I would work on your self image. There are many ways to do that but one of the most useful I found was mirror talk.

It is easy to feel undervalued when standing alone for a M. But the M/R does not define you.you are much more than that.

One last point. It is mentioned in a lot of places to avoid arguing with WAS as it only creates negativity and resentment that convinces them they are right to want out. I agree with that BUT don't accept disrespectful treatment. That should come more naturally when you manage to improve your self image. But would do no harm to look into this too.

Best wishes

[OwnIt]

WillDo, just want you to know that there are people here who are following your situation and want you to find a place where you can feel better. It seems like once people are able to detach and drop the rope that they instantly feel better (I know I did). Best to you.

[WillDo]

Really appreciate your updates. This is the only place I vet out. In the begining I was opening up to a few friends but later told them that things were all great now.

My self image... Yes I want to change that. Can I drop the rope? Until the patience goes away. I just know nothing can fix these. I am tired of trying to understand.

[WillDo]

I have an urge to say that everyday there are so many things I get annoyed of but I carry on. A diary of a week would be a book.

These days trying to get repairs done for the rental house. The tenamts still in. Nothing is done and plenty of repairs needed. But she still says she will move there and continue not to contribute to the expenses.

While these are happening a heahunter contacted me. This have a sense of a strong ego to me. But more I looked at it the less excited I got. She said go for it but I am hesitant. Didnt see it a hit. But I did feedl good. I felted wanted.

[WillDo]

Awful conversation -

W after dinner asked about the repair to the other house. Asked which numbers I hadn't called that she would be able to chase up. I said some of them are not willing to give a quote. Then it turned into ok will need to change the bed to a bunk bed for the girls. I said I don't want you to leave.

A long relationship talk started. Not too many accusations but couldn't really find a way out or to avoid. She said that I can't avoid it anymore and if I didn't co-operate it would get ugly and that she would need to blame me for something to get the divorce happen.

I repeated twice that for the happiness of the D's we need to learn to get along. And them she said oh you mean I would be able to bring my lover that way of getting along.

At a point one of the Ds heard us and came down. She was extremely worried. She knew the tension. But the waited for us to finish at bed.

She said she wanted a happy life with her and the girls and that she doesn't want to be with me.

I didn't reveal any of the lies I know about the time she was with OM. But came very close. Though told her she never let me include me properly with the girls and brought in her mother in between.

She kept her cool and acted stupid. In the morning I burnt the bread. She came down complaining about it. But she explained to me that no she actually said in front of the Ds that such things can happen. However, she had already made me look stupid. She remembers the second part but not the first. I told her that she does it a lot and that acting like she doesn't remember makes me annoyed.

I don't know. I told her how bad I feel about her taking the ring off, separating the beds and the money. She said I pushed for it and that she needed to save to be able to move out...

I am not sure if I should not believe half she said.

She said she hadn't had a hug for a long time. I said I hadn't as well.

It was like peeing to the wind but I just don't think I should leave the house.

. I don't know what more to do apart from focusing on the girls and carrying on. I was tearful at times both were but I felt awkward. For all the things I do I said you treat me bad and keep me away from the girls I bursted out.

Please let me know your thoughts