Round 2, Part 2 (Electric Boogaloo)

[Tryin2figuritout]

Well, I've been waiting for the "other shoe to drop" and I think the financial one just did this morning. We've been trading some info about our finances and talking child support numbers.

All has been decent discussions, but I think the light bulb went off this morning on how hard it will be as a single parent for her. I've been the main breadwinner and my W has been primarily a SAHM for our M. She started a job in the early fall that pays her very well for her experience and she's outstanding at it. Only issue is her boss can be a real jerk and I could see her quit or be fired because of his actions. She knows she would not make as much in a similar role if she found one.

We discussed that she would keep the house and I'm totally fine with that. This is the house she bought with help from her dad 4 years ago when we separated. She then was talking about saving up for the down payment and I had to remind her about our finances and how we'd be separated financially. None of my credit cards, no access to our joint account (where my paycheck goes - she has her own account for her job), etc. There was a pause and she said she had to go.

A co-worker of mine asked me last week if she flips out because of finances and comes back would I want her. His point was because it would be from finances and not be for me. It was a painful question, but one that I've thought about. I know her leaving has less to do with me and more to do with her. It has everything to do with her not wanting to be alone in her M, to feel love, intimacy, friendship, etc. Have I done that during the years? Yes, but a pretty horrible job at it.

Why have I done this poorly? I could write a 500 page book on why it seems these days and I'm still learning more on my contributions, issues, fears, etc. that lead us here. That's all I can do is learn and be a better man going forward and you bet your a$$ that's what I'm doing.

Man this road is painful, but I'm learning and growing and that's what I need to do. I started this 4 years ago and basically stopped before I really got going. Not going to happen this time whether I'm with my W or not.

All the best to everyone out there, especially the LBS's.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Looking for advice. Do I just let my W swim in this mess she's making? Deal with her issues on her own with no support from me or use as an opportunity?

One of the biggest things I'm working on is being a better listener. I've been terrible at that. In one sense, I think she just needs to figure this out on her own and in another I see an opportunity to show her changes in myself.

Thoughts?

[Bdog37]

Is she asking you for help in regards to her finances?

You have been at this a lot longer than me, but personally I would let her walk her own path. The moment she "fires" you as a husband should be the moment you stop being her safety net. Unless, of course, it involves the children.

I still get asked for help on various things all the time, but unfortunately I no longer fill that role in her life. IMPO she gave that up when she filed, but each sitch is different so ultimately it will be up to you to decide on if you should or shouldn't.

This is a painful road and there are no right answers. What works for some don't work for others so good luck my friend.

[Thornton]

How come you can't let her swim in her own mess and be a good listener?

[Tryin2figuritout]

Bdog / Thornton,

Thanks for the help. I've brought up the "being fired" or I think I phrased it as "you don't want me to be that guy anymore". I think she said something like that's unfair and I was like what else do you want me to call it.

For listening, it's harder these days because we're separated physically. Conversations are mostly through text and about kids stuff only. I've been validating but I guess the opportunities are so few and far between I feel like I'm not getting enough at bats. (Put me in coach, I'm ready to play)

Best luck to y'all too.

[Bdog37]

Hey Tryin,

It is unfair, but for me it is the tough love approach. She has to realize what it is like loosing you.

For listening, it's harder these days because we're separated physically. Conversations are mostly through text and about kids stuff only

I totally get what you are saying. Just be sure to listen well and validate when you do get your opportunities. Also, make sure this 180 is for you and not your W. Remember what you said in a previous post....

I'm learning and growing and that's what I need to do. I started this 4 years ago and basically stopped before I really got going. Not going to happen this time whether I'm with my W or not.

Inner growth is what its all about my friend and good luck!

[Tryin2figuritout]

Thanks Bdog. No doubt the 180's, changes, GAL, etc. are all for me and for my kids. I've never been closer to my D13 than right now and am so totally enjoying it (and I know she is too).

GAL tonight with two of my high school buddies who both have their own issues to deal with in their M's. All 3 of us have such interesting sitch's right now. Will be a good time.

[Tryin2figuritout]

I never thought I'd be typing this as an update, but here I am. I've mentioned how my W has been really seeming to lose it (not temper, but just her marbles for lack of a better description) and she did today. I'm traveling for work and was coordinating with her about my S10's day tomorrow after school via text. She texts "It has been a terrible day".

I asked why and texts started flying about how she failed, how she walked, how she gave up, etc. Once settled in my hotel room, I called to hear her rambling frantically. She couldn't get any words out. She's had a PA with a co-worker as recent as last week and it started in February.

She's confused about how much she's messed up everything. It was getting real for her because we were going to see the attorney on Thursday. Her job has also become less stable and it does not help having a co-worker who she's done these horrible things (her words).

So now what? I've cancelled our appointment with the attorney on Thursday and will be calling our MC for an appointment. She's on the phone as we speak telling this co-worker its over and there will be NC. She thinks she will be fired or will quit and I'm ok with either. Bottom line is the OM has to stop or I'll be calling my attorney quickly. I've been suggesting to my W to go see an IC for months and I think she might now.

It's weird. I'm not devastated. I'm hurt, but I guess some part of me knew this could happen down deep. Like I said, I get a whiff of anything and my attorney will be called.

I guess I'll go back to the initial threads from Cadet to check out more information on dealing with a Wayward Wife. Good news is I know that quality information from Sandi will help.

Man am I glad I have an IC appointment on Friday.

All the best.

[Thornton]

Whoa! Proceed with caution my friend.

Have ZERO expectations. She could reverse course soon so be prepared for it.

I'm cautiously optimistic for you!

[giftd]

That's a ride man, sorry you have to deal with it. Seems like a super step forward if she's really committed and I hope you can go through it without backsliding. I'm thinking that she still has a lot of work to do on herself but I'm hoping this leads to good things