Good to hear from you. Hope you're OK. God, me, you, NDY seem to have been here decades. We'll be getting our long service awards from Job soon
Yes, I was upset at not seeing them. I haven't seen them in a week. Yes, I think it is control and by the text exchange, she clearly enjoyed having that over me. Yeah, I should have thought twice before the text exchange. I had a shite day at work and was really looking forward to hugs and kisses. Haven't been sleeping well again - five or six hours max and even though I'm exhausted, I have difficulty getting to sleep. My temper got the better of me. Legal is so expensive. Does it really solve anything? If she didn't comply, I go back to court, for what? More hurt to the kids, no thanks, I'm trying to protect them from this.
Saving myself? Well, I did try to do a date on a slightly non-conformist website (NDY knows what one - can't share on here). When it came to nailing the deal, I couldn't. Couldn't be bothered really and my confidence is still low. You do kind of think 'why would anybody want me?'. Bollox I know, but that's what this whole nonsense does to you.
W, as she is now, is somebody I wouldn't want to know. Real W is lurking somewhere inside that selfish, destructive mess. Teasing it back out is so difficult. Of course, real W might be a stranger to me, and might have been playing me all our M. I think if that was the case, we'd all be so 'destroyed' we probably couldn't cope, so that thought gets locked away.
I've calmed down now. Had a bath and now demolishing a tub of Flake ice cream! My moral compass is set to help anybody, if I can and they're not taking the pi$$. Here's something I'll share with you. I've been working extra at the moment to help pay for a nice holiday with the kids in the summer. Anyway, on my way home on Sunday, I felt something tell me to give a free meal voucher I had in my pocket to a homeless guy on the street. I'm not religious, but it was a bit weird, like a poke in the back telling me to do it. The guy was so overwhelmed that I'd given him this, I felt a bit embarrassed and kind of smiled and walked away. And there's the crux - my W wants me to help- I can only see how this can benefit the kids and myself, so I comply. My own fault.
Anyway, thanks for stopping by RD - if you fancy a Scot and a Yorkie stumbling over to Ireland for a beer, I'm sure we can arrange that
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I'm sorry to read this Huddy, and I think the important thing to recognise is - things aren't going to go back to the way they used to be. These events bring permanent change to your family, you and your relationship - whether or not you guys ultimately reconcile.
I do think you are still locked in a dance with your W. She wants help, you help and you form a 'covert contract' (have you read about those?) with her. If I do X, maybe that will lead to Y (the outcome I hope for.)
Then, when events don't unfold as you hope, you become so frustrated and disappointed and then you and your W have a falling out. And it is partly your own management of yourself and your emotions (all of which is difficult I know) that causes the ongoing dynamic.
I'm not saying it was reasonable of your W to cancel that visit at the last moment - only that it's possible to deal with that without the downward 'texting' spiral that just happened.
And the unfortunate thing is, that exchange may have reinforced for her all the reasons she had for leaving.
I'm not suggesting you give up hope - unless that is what you wish to do. But I am suggesting you deal with the ongoing attachment you have, and the dancing you are doing. Because to live in that situation just causes misery...she does this and it 'causes' me to do that etc.
Remember this - she will do what she will do when she is ready. She may never do what you hope, or she may do but not yet. She may hit bottom - or may not - or may bump along bottom for a good while yet. All of that is up to her. And much of that doesn't really have much to do with you anyway. It's most likely more about unresolved issues she has and she will realise that (or not realise it) in her own time.
The problem with you remaining 'in the dance' is she can still look at you and 'blame' you for how she feels. However, if you are emotionally 'detached' from what she is doing - and non-reactive - you are less likely to be target for her negative projection.
Also, you have a fundamental realisation that you are responsible for your life, your happiness and your responses - independent of her and of what she may be doing..
I hope you will get to that place, because it is freeing and because there is much life to be lived outside of your current marital situation...
You may also want to have a look at the drama triangle and think about roles we 'fall' into. I remember finding that really helpful too.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Huddy , I'm good mate , being dating and generally act ing like I'm 18 again , got a new Gsxr 1000 a few weeks ago so life is going well. I understand about the not worthy thing and I relate big time. But you are even if you don't always feel it.
The legal thing I understand too but how about a separation agreement where child care, etc is set out in black and white.
Along with this site , I found time a great healer but the best thing I ever did was no contact. My 4 kids live with me and EXW collects D12 at the gate. The other 3 won't see her so that does make it easier for me.
I respond to texts about the kids but nothing else. It takes time to get to terms with what's happened and I don't think you ever get completely over it but life does go on.
My humble view is the WAS or MLCer is still basically the same person but they changed. Maybe that's good for them or maybe not but they aren't who they were. Will they change back ? Who knows and do you want to see your life pass by while you wait.
Moving forward is all important on so many levels. You can stand but still move forward.
We all think our situations are unique, we loved them more than anyone loved anyone ever. Each of our stories have unique parts but basically they are the one tale in as far as it relates to us. It took me years to accept this and drop the rope.
You will get there Huddy and keep being the awesome dad those great kids of yours deserve.
Anytime yourself and NDY are ready for a 1/2 Guinness just let me know. I've been to the UK twice since Xmas but the other end of the country.
Take care mate and keep posting so wiser folk than me can advise you. Rd
Time for another blast off on here than losing my head with my W.
Firstly, moved in to my new flat this week. My SD came to help, but she's not strong, so I mostly did all the moving on my own. We had a pizza from Dominos to celebrate.
W brought over the kids on Friday, as normal. She told me the Doctor had told her to take S off his medication, as he had been attacking some of his teachers at school. He was in a foul mood, but I soon worked out that he had a sore throat. I gave him some medication and he calmed down. I followed her advice and didn't given his normal 'behavioural' medication on Saturday, but after three hours of crying, screaming etc. I gave it to him and he soon calmed down.
Today, I gave him his medicine from the get go, and he has been calmer, until W arrived. I have worked out, that when W arrives to take him away, he kicks off. It's S's birthday on Tuesday, so I bought him a new laptop, as he can use this to develop his co-ordination skills. W, of course, then claimed she was going to buy him one, and then told me she wouldn't be bringing the kids on a Tuesday anymore as 'they are disturbed'.
I got very annoyed at this, told her that I would have to resort to court action and then told her to get out of the flat. OK, she's pushed my buttons and I have reacted, but I'm losing the will here to be 'nice' anymore.
I just can't see any end to this. There is no signs of anything from her at all, and I think I might just give the whole thing up. What's the point. One thing for sure, there is no way I am taking her to her next appointment for her surgery in June - no way. The selfishness is unreal and she looks and acts like a complete stranger. However, she reacts badly if I look happy or go for drinks with a friend, or have quality time with the kids, and she hates the fact that when the kids are with me, they have so much fun, and miss me.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Dude. I know you've avoided this for as long as you can. Mate either get a lawyer or book into mediation. You need to sort out custody. No ifs, no buts. She won't listen to you and will only do what she wants and it won't be to your benefit. Ask her how the kids are getting upset. I have a friend in a similar situation but his kids are way younger. He's agreed not to have them during the week but won't agree to it being legal. Stand up guy with his kids interest at heart.
As for your S's medication? Nah, unless you hear it directly from the doctor then don't change anything. You can phone his Doctor from work and ask for clarification of how his meds are to be administered. Just a concerned father looking out for the best interest of his child.
I still think you're holding onto that rope. Perhaps that's something to think about.
Peace buddy.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Maybe it's time to get things properly negotiated and agreed in writing Huddy? She has played that card a couple of times now and I can imagine it must be upsetting...
Glad you made it into your new flat and hope you enjoy making it your own
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Huddy , sorry to read your still dealing with crap mate.
As NDY said , this needs to be sorted , mediation is a free way to get some cast iron agreement re the kids. W has the ability to still get to you and thats completely understandable but it needs to stop.
About W not showing any remorse or looking like changing her mind , she's not going to while the rope is attached because she knows that you would welcome her back or at the least , want her back. Her Plan B. I'm not saying she would reconsider if she didn't think you were plan B but it's not even a thought in her head right now.
I 100% agree with Ndy re your son , speak directly to the doctor and follow their instructions ( obviously with your input ) Can you be included in any visit your kids have to the D by way of eamil or letter ?
I have a cousin who went through a long separation and he went to a Guru type guy who basically told him to drop the rope , he did and worked hard to became the best person he could. I won't go into detail but the guru gave him.a whole new take on his thoughts and life. My cousin is now mega successful and back with his W but he puts the reconciliation down to his dropping the rope and wanting nothing but the best for his W.
Give up mate, but just on the rope part, get on with livi g your life and enjoying it to the best of your ability. Good luck with the new flat and think hard about the mediation.
I have a bad feeling. I don't think I've ever shown anybody the door before, but, I was angry and did it to W. It hurts me to have talked to her like that, but I just think she's taking the pi$$.
This is probably the third or fourth time she's tried this trick, normally after the kids have had a great time with me, or I've bought them something nice. Petty jealousy or something, I don't know. I've mentioned mediation before and got nowhere, so, I'm probably going to have to go down the legal route. Sad.
This rope dropping thing. I can never seem to get to that point. I think I have dropped the rope, only for you guys to say I haven't! Not sure what else to do. I won't be taking her to her operation - I'm just being used.
As for my S. My W makes appointments, then tells me after she's been. Yep, probably going to have to go legal on that one as well. My theory is about him missing me and not wanting to leave, or see us apart, and he's playing up accordingly.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Mate , no criticism is intended 're drop the rope. I personally took years to really let go and even then I sometimes feel like it's there a bit.
Your sitch is tough , W comes to your home , you use her car , you get dragged into her life 're hospital etc. That's not making it any easier for you.
Just a suggestion but how about not letting her into your flat but she collects kids from the door or you bring my them to the car ? She's created an atmosphere now with the constant threats and in doing so given you a reason to calmly suggest that to avoid further upset or arguing , the child exchange be done outside of your flat.
're the mediation, how about yhou arrange it and then give her the time and date. If she refuses then you may have to go the expensive legal route but you will have shown you tried and that could stand to you in the future.
Just my thoughts mate. Your kids are just that , kids and they need to see you as calm as possible regardless of W and her moods. I know your a great dad and you've kept your cool where many of us wouldn't have so your to be admired for that.
