Here again part 5

[25yearsmlc]

T0

How are things?

I'm just checking in to say hello, rub the baby's tummy and hug your boys for me!

Thinking of you.

((( )))

[T384]

Hi 25

The baby and the boys are great! The baby and I are still figuring out this breastfeeding thing.. well he has it figured out I'm dealing with the first couple weeks of discomfort that comes along with it lol

My grandma left today after being here for the week. We sure are going to miss her. We go back home tomorrow so back to reality. The boys and I have been staying at the condo on the beach since last weekend. My mom and her husband came out to stay tonight so we will go to dinner and enjoy the day tomorrow and then pack up to go home.

The baby is still as perfect as can be. Minus having his days and nights mixed up but if that's the worst I have to deal with I'm happy with that.

I finished up school this week so I'm off til May 30th. Can't wait to enjoy doing nothing besides being a mom.

I forgot the C had us make a C appt last time we went it's this Thursday. I'm going to see how the week goes before deciding if I'll keep the appointment.


There's not much new to report on the home front. H continues to be distant and dishonest about trivial things. I'm not pushing or letting on I know he's lying. But I continue to keep my guard up. I think I posted that I did give him the you're in or out ultimatum. Just said I can't live like this anymore you're either in this marriage or you're out and need to move out. He continues to say he wants to be together but his actions in my opinion say otherwise. He is making an effort in his mind but I need more from him than just him sleeping in the room kissing me hello and goodnight and saying I love you before bed. I haven't been initiating anything. No kissing or I love you. I do send him a pic during the day while he's at work. I'm feeling frustrated he doesn't send me a text checking on us while he's st work and hasn't once asked me how I'm feeling but I guess I can't expect those things of him.

I told him his actions feel forced. I asked him what he needs to be able to be more present. He says nothing just time.

At least we are all enjoying the baby to the fullest despite the circumstances. That's my number one concern. I don't want this to take away from these moments I'll never have back. I'm not ready to accept he's my last !!! I already want another lol. I'm emotionally unstable obviously Haha

[T384]

Hi everyone,

Happy belated Mother's Day to all you moms!

My beautiful baby is 3 weeks old. I cannot believe it he has fit so well in our family and my boys are still so in love. I am so thankful for them they are a huge help. The baby is great minus having days and nights mixed up. I start back to clinical June 1st so I am a litttle nervous because I'm not getting much sleep at night. Hoping his sleeping schedule gets a little better by then.

As far as other things go. I am feeling indifferent. I really don't have any desire to do anything. He still kisses me good night etc says ILY and I find myself now not reciprocating anything. it's only been like this for a week so I'm sure my feelings will change 100 times. I cancelled counseling last week but we went this week at H's request. The C pushed him a lot this session. I just said what I had needed from H. But I also said it's been almost 3 months what are we doing. I'm going back to school and don't want this added stress so if it's a divorce he wants and that's what will make him happy then I'm okay with that. I also said I'm so tired of hearing it's over. The c told H he needs to decide what he wants because his actions and words show that he's done and he's removed himself from our marriage. He also told H he was full of excuses and that H knows what he needs to do to do but he chooses not to. So who knows. I know I've felt much better this last week not focusing on our situation. In this moment I feel like if he wants a D I will be okay and it's his loss. His head is too far you know where to see that clearly right now but he will when it's too late and that's something he will have to own and live with.

So that's it for me. Just going to continue enjoying this time with the baby and my boys. School is out next week and the boys are so excited. Hope everyone is well

[Tryin2figuritout]

My beautiful baby is 3 weeks old.

I cannot believe it he has fit so well in our family and my boys are still so in love. I am so thankful for them they are a huge help.

TO - That is absolutely wonderful. I know it makes you filled with happiness seeing your boys loving on the new addition and giving you the support you need too. Good luck with the sleeping.

In this moment I feel like if he wants a D I will be okay and it's his loss. His head is too far you know where to see that clearly right now but he will when it's too late and that's something he will have to own and live with.

This is where I'm at too in my sitch. It's all about being able to lay your head on your pillow at night, right? My mother-in-law told me last week that she knows this is all going to catch up with my W at some point. I'm not waiting for that point, but I know it's not my problem.

I wish you well and I wish you continued peace. Sounds like you are getting to a good place of detachment.

All the best.

[T384]

Hanks Trying,

It usually catches up with them hopefully your W will figure it out before it's too late. I think that's why it's so important to remove yourself from their craziness so. At when things go south you're not there to blame as part of the problem.

I do agree with a lot of why Sandi says about WAW/WW... I hope you'll read her advice if you haven't already. It's so easy to give advice to others and not necessarily follow it in our own sitch - I speak from experience haha

Best of luck and thanks for your words

[T384]

Just journaling...

H and I had a R talk last night. He just said he didn't know if he was 'in or out'. That he 'wants things to get better but isn't sure they will.' He said he can't say if he's committed to making things work or not. That some days he is and some days he isn't. I just said that mind as well be a no. He said well if I want an answer at this specific moment in time then he's done. That things have been bad and he doesn't want to live that way. My response was I didn't want to live this way either. I also said that it hasn't always been this way and that doesn't mean it will always be this way if two people are committed to making it better. I again I said I wasn't going to continue going to counseling. He said that the point of going to counseling was to see if we could make it work. My response was it is pointless if his mind is that he's done.

He said all I do is push him away.

In my gut I feel like he's done and hasn't want to move out because of the baby. The counselor even told H he's obviously checked out.

I'm not sure where I go from here. I'm not as detached as I thought I was because hearing he's done yet again hurts me

[sandi2]

Sorry to hear this. I wish I had something to give you for encouragement. I have said this before, but I still think there is some issue in him that isn't directly tied to you. In other words, whatever it is, I think he would have gone through the same behavior if he had been in the same situation with some other woman.

Believe me when I tell you that I understand the frustration, hurt, and anger you might feel when your H does not open up and share with you what's going on in his head/heart.

I have no doubt in the world that you will be fine, no matter what he decides. In fact, you may experience getting to the "fine" level quicker than the last time you went this route. I'm sure 25yrsmlc and you can really relate about being faced the second time with the craziness the H has brought into the MR. It doesn't mean you don't feel the sadness, hurt, anger, etc. However, you know you won't spend the rest of your life waiting for him, and trying to become whatever the heck he is seeking in a MR........while he's doing whatever he's doing in the dark and away from the W. He continues to say things are not getting better, but what is he doing to help it get better? Ugh! I'm not even M to him and I can get riled.

Of course, I don't know your H, and I may be as wrong as sin.......but I don't think he is as strong as you. He can't cope under pressure, like you. He won't lay his cards on the table to know what you are really dealing with......and have a clue as to how to fix the problem. The answers he gives sound immature to me, and some of his behavior says the same. So, IDK if he will ever be the H you need. It's not easy when the woman outgrows her H (so to speak). This happens with lots of couples. They get M when they are young, and traditionally, the H would be older than his W. ( I have a theory as to why, but I'll save it for another time). Sometimes, the W starts emotionally/mentally maturing at a faster speed than her H. If she is a realist and knows what needs to be done to maintain an orderly family & lifestyle, and hopefully have a productive life........and if he does not have the same drive, or the same goals, and agrees in how to get there with her and the kids in tow.....then she's going to experience a lot of frustration with him. It may look as if he's not stepping up and she has to tell him everything to do......etc., etc. It's like he lays down or digs his heels in the ground and refuses to cooperate. Sometimes it may feel as if he's dead weight on her, ..........or he's taking a detour to something else, .........or cutting out all together.

My heart feels for you, and I wish he would get his act together. Maybe he will continue seeing the counselor for himself. If not, I think he will take detours looking for something that makes him feel better about himself.

I know you are really busy. It is good to hear about the baby and the good care you've received. Take an old fool's advice and give your body time to heal, before you jump back into everything as though you had not recently given birth. You can hurt yourself in ways that take a long time to get over. Listen to me telling a medical student who has had three babies.

[T384]

So what am I supposed to do? I don't want a D obviously. I just don't get how he doesn't know if he wants to be in this M yet says ILY kisses me etc. I mean don't get me wrong he's still very distant but why do those things. Is he that sick that he's just doing those to lead me on until he leaves?

Do I continue to go to MC with him if he wants to go? He says I'm pushing him into a decision and he needs time. That I want to tell him how he feels etc. it's far from the truth but it's how he feels. I don't feel 3 months is pushing him to just want to know if he wants to see if we can make this work.

You're right I know this is within him. I said in counseling I don't know what switch flips that he goes from being so happy and loving to the tin man.

[sandi2]

What if you suggest he continues with this particular counselor (since the C has met and talked with you) and then when/if the C wants you to join......you can.

I don't know what your H wants from you. When you act happy and loving and all is well in the world, he seems okayish. But did he not continue with his vague R with the coworker, as well as stay out late without his family? Did you ever see any action from him that indicated he was trying to put forth effort in making "things better", too, or was he just expecting you to make it better?

You might want to consider privately meeting with the counselor to see if he has recommendations, since he may know the other side of your H's problem. However, he may not advise you to stay or leave.

I just don't know anything different to suggest that hasn't already been said. I think you are looking at him and wondering how much longer it will be until he decides what he wants. Makes sense, but maybe you should think of how much longer you can hang on. IDK, just thinking out loud here.

I will suggest this much........if things get no better and divorce seems to be getting closer, consider physical separation before going straight to divorce. I have known many people over my lifetime that separated for a while and then reconciled. These days, couples go straight for the jugular. Sleep in the same bed one night and divorce the next day. If you discover he is in an affair, then I wouldn't blame you for going to divorce. At the same time, I don't want you to get obsessed over the possibility of OW, again.

It must be miserable being in this spot you've been in for three months. The baby will naturally sense your tenseness, nervousness, and frustration. I hope somehow, someway, you can let it go enough to not miss one second of enjoying that baby boy. They stay tiny for such a short time, don't they? Goodness, that brings back sweet memories, and tears to my eyes. ((hugs)).

[25yearsmlc]

T

((( )))

Please read Sandi's post ^^^ above, carefully...the part about a separation first - really struck me.

I also read an article about divorced couples who actually reconcile and almost all of them said that a physical separation to work on themselves as individuals, really was vital.

[quote=T0324]So what am I supposed to do? I don't want a D obviously.


actually that^^ is Not obvious to me. What would a divorce mean to you?

I just don't get how he doesn't know if he wants to be in this M yet says ILY kisses me etc.

You do NOT have to "get it". You will likely NOT ever "get it."


Here is a small, (I hope), 2 x 4....

All you have to do is decide if what you are getting is enough for you. If it is, then accept it & stop requiring, or acting as if you require, more from him.

The best predictor of future behavior is the past behavior...


I mean don't get me wrong he's still very distant but why do those things. Is he that sick that he's just doing those to lead me on until he leaves?


SIGH....you (we) ask way too many questions without good answers. We should start a club and call it the "Ask Why'? Club.


That way, we can spend chunks of our waking hours obsessing about

someone who a) thinks of us 0- 1/10 as much,

and or b) who either lacks an empathy gene which we will never relate to (OR understand)

OR c) is too psychologically damaged and screwed up for us to ever understand...

and OR d) who may someday come out of their fog, and then communicate their wishes clearly...at which point we can address our own reaction...

Meanwhile we can keep circling and fuming...till we feel sick inside, or worn out, or bitter...

OR OR OR...?


WE can make a deciosn, and take steps to regain our own power, (alone??) and write the next chapter of our lives, instead of letting someone else write how our story goes.

Do I continue to go to MC with him if he wants to go? He says I'm pushing him into a decision and he needs time. That I want to tell him how he feels etc. it's far from the truth but it's how he feels. I don't feel 3 months is pushing him to just want to know if he wants to see if we can make this work.


From where I sit, he's been clear in that he cannot or will not give you the certainty you say you want and need. You want certainty before you can give your heart fully (warmly and with trust) and he can't/won't give you that, without your warmth and trust.

You're still at an impasse. What has changed?

As for what he feels/means/says - a year ago my h and i were on national TV discussing how we kept our m strong even with differing political views and it was a light hearted fun piece, h calling it the "best thing we have done a in years" and laughed our rear ends off. A short while later I discovered he had been making Alaskan plans again, and my h completely denied wanting a divorce when I asked, AND he assured me he would say so, if he did...

but with his actions (and indifference when I was sick) he practically dared me to file.
My point...Pay no attention to his words...decide what you can live with as it is.

Finally, please explain so I can understand, what specifically is confusing you?

Is it his actions/behaviors or your own fears of what they mean?