It takes two to tango (Pt. 7)

[roist]

SBJ imagine for a minute that you are unhappy in your M. Really unhappy.No even worse than that. Years go by and things only feel worse. You no longer want to try because everything you tried failed to achieve a better situation. At this stage you numbly go through the motions feeling alone lost and helpless. No solution or option is forthcoming. Then slowly you see a spark of life outside of your M. That gives you hope things can be better. You explore your options and see that this spark of hope has taken fire and warms your dead spirit. It feels great. You feel alive. Now all you want is more and more. You have no choice. It is the only option. Maybe it isn't ideal for everyone but it is better. There can be no going back.

That is how your W feels. She was trapped and hopeless but now has a solution. We know it is ill founded and an illusion but for her it is real. Trying to hold her back will fuel her desire to break free. I don't see how fighting against the D will help change this. I am against D so I won't advise you to go for it, but ask yourself if fighting it will help you reconcile.

I have read recently that many WAS want the LBS to come win them.back. I believe that is true but I also believe that once passed a certain point, the healthiest and most strategic thing to do is to let them go. This is not giving up, but accepting that she needs space and time for now.

Maybe a legal separation is an alternative. But either way you need to prepare yourself that it is unlikely things will turn around within the next year . They could so don't rule it out, but don't expect it to.

I have no words to make this easier but I am confident you can get through this and THRIVE.

Best wishes

[SBJ]

skm...thank you for your kind words. This is the hardest thing that I have ever been thru. I am getting so sick of family telling me that they know what I am going thru. Unless you've been where we are as LBS's you would have no idea. I know they mean well, but they are truly clueless.

roist...you are correct in saying that stalling is not the answer. To me things have seemed so fast, but I have no real ida of how long she has felt like this. Everyone says that, more than likely, it's been a long time.

Maybe I wouldn't feel as bad if this OM wasn't such a slime ball. He has fooled everyone in our community making them think he is the best thing since sex, 7-up and sliced bread. He is a narcissistic con-man and I have it on good authority that he has anger issues that he has hidden from the masses. I know I cannot control her, but I do worry about her safety. I have to put it in God's hands and let go. It is just hard to release someone you have made a vow to have and to hold til death. I'm just that kind of guy.

I know that I have read everyone's stories and that this takes a long time, but dang...sure does hurt.

I love the fact that everyone on here has such love and empathy for those that are still going thru this type of hell. It is nice to know that there are others here that know exactly what we are going thru and have wonderful advice as to what we need to do to survive and thrive. May God Bless us all here struggling with a prodigal.

[SBJ]

I have decided to sign the D papers today or tomorrow. I guess independence day will have a new meaning this year. I will continue to fight for her from the other side of the fence. It is unfortunate that I have to do this, but I am trying to accept that this is out of my control.

I've read that the mlc'er is going thru hell in their own minds, but I cannot imagine it being worse than what the lbs feels or is going thru. I hope and pray that all of our pain fades and that God will shed understanding on as to whey we had to endure this trial. You all are angels sent by God to comfort others that are going thru this hell.

>>>>>>>

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

[Gordie]

I feel your pain. I wish I had words of comfort to make you feel better but know that words cannot do that. I will pray for you in this dark hour. Hang in there. It will get better! And yes, that until death do you part vow...admire your commitment to it.

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

As Gordie said ... words can not take away the hurt and pain, they just can not. Understand you are among people who have been, will be, or are going through what you are at this very time ... misery loves company eh?

I think for me, this journey, it taught me many many lessons. The one that comes to mind and applies to where you are at this moment is understand Gods plan is without question the best thing for us. You have to remind yourself of that and keep Faith He will deliver you. I was just talking to one of my best friends about this Sunday as he asked me if there was any movement in my sitch. I have been at peace for some time because while I am not sure the direction God is pointing me towards, I do know He will give me the strength and the things I need to get there, and honestly it can not be worse than the past few years .... but conversely that pain and hurt taught me more in a 2-3 year span than I have learned in my entire life and I am thankful for it.

Its hard .. if not impossible to see how things need to be done when we are so close to it. For me I think God absolutely saved me from a front row seat of misery dealing with my MLCr hands on ... He has a plan for her too, and I trust that just as much as I trust the plan he has for me. As far as the plan for our M .... I gave my M to Him long ago as I was just overwhelmed with all of it, it took to much energy from me and I was better off to apply that energy towards my own individual growth rather than waste it on something out of my control.

Understand this is just another step in the process, its a tough one but most likely one that is required, stay on YOUR course and keep your faith.

[SBJ]

What a way to start your morning. WOW, just got a text from the, now I can say it, STBXW asking when I would be signing the papers. What a pushy woman. She has always been the one to get her way and is now trying so hard to make it happen NOW.

I simply told her that I was going to go today. I said that I love you completely and that I will do this for you. I also told her that I hope and pray that she is never put thru this. The last line from me was "No response necessary".

And of course her response was..."And I thank you. I hope one day you will understand where I'm coming from". "You will understand me".

WTF is that...she is now trying to use projection to make me see her point of view. What BS is this?

>>>>>>>
Cali, I know you said that this is another step in the process. You and roist also said that at times the MLC'er has this complete and total need to see the D thru to completion, but this totally stinks.

>>>>>>>
As I have been typing she's been texting me saying that I should understand the part that I played in all of this and that when it all came out in her counseling, that she is not able to get past it. Now blaming me for her wanting out of our M. Saying that it is too much for her to get past and that one day I will see that.

I simply told her that i'd continue to pray for her.

Her response is that we can both be happy even if not together.

[peacetoday]

I believe the MLCer is also going through pain for their part in leaving the family
I saw the way MY XH coped was denial

He would say you wanted this right..I said No
He said we will find another more compatible
He was looking for validation from me that we both wanted this and I think he believed that
I also think they believe we stand in the way of their happiness
so if the D was Final, they would magically be happier
I do not think any MLCer finds what they set out to

last I heard from my xh he was absolutely miserable and wanting out of his M to ow
he left a VM
I certainly didn't wish that for him but I also can not change his choices

After the D,everything got easier for me-and especially letting him go

[Gordie]

SBJ,

You do understand your part. It's your W's choice not to get to work through it with you. Unfortunately, she is making that choice.

FWIW, I have heard all of those same words verbatim. Avoid mind reading, no idea what she is really thinking or feeling or if and when that ever changes.

Take care of yourself and kids now. You didn't choose this, but your path is your own now. God hasn't given up on you or abandoned you.

Gordie

[SBJ]

Hope everyone had a great Independence Day! As usual, I had our entire family over for BBQ, beer, and some much needed pool time. Even though I had 20+ people at the house and hosted everything, it sure was lonely. My kids helped a ton with getting the house and the patio ready, but one of the things I miss the most is the teamwork that she and I shared while getting ready for things like this. We were the ones that hosted everything and we always had a blast. No matter the holiday, we would clean together, plan together, and host a bad@$$ party.

My oldest helped with the yard and the pool area, the middle helped with the house and the bathroom, and the youngest watched us and stayed out of the way...haha! He makes a big mess, but is such an awesome kid.

I felt good that my entire side of the family was there, but even more so that my FIL/Step-MIL & BIL/SIL were there the entire time. I truly am in awe that they are standing with me. It is truly humbling, but it makes me sad at times thinking that she has isolated herself from me and the rest of our family. At least she still has a good relationship with our kids. That is a good thing.

Thanks to everyone that has sent me positive vibes & prayers. Last Friday afternoon was kind of rough. I signed my portion of the D papers and I guess it is in her hands and then the judges. After the judge signs them there is a 30 day period that changes or cancellations can be made. After that 30 day period is up...it is final. WOW!

Time to get back in the gym to work on the bod and hit the streets to get ready for that Tough Mudder in November.

Peace be with you all!!!

[roist]

Best wishes bud. You will thrive. It is okay to slip back into survive mode, but don't stay there. Glad the party went well. Let yourself enjoy the next one more.

I would not have advised you to tell W you love her etc. Now that it has been said, please think about this. The ballgame has changed now that you have signed. Your best approach to get W back is to show her a THRIVING sbj living life to the full unhindered by the D. And the best way to do that is to live it. Fake it at the start, but work towards making it your new reality.

Further declarations or pining etc will slow any possibility that she returns. If she knows/assumes you are waiting for her, she believes she can just go back if she is not happy with how things work out for her. Great you might think, accept because she feels you are a sure deal, she can take all the time she wants.

If she never wants back you have a great life in place.IIt is a win win. And truly your only viable option in your situation.

I know this is hard for you. I am not belittling that, but want to nudge you forward. Destiny awaits with better things ahead.

Best wishes