A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

COACHING SPECIAL!
SAVE $30 WHEN YOU PURCHASE 6 OR MORE COACHING SESSIONS

Your Divorce Busting Telephone Coach will help you create a proven
step-by-step plan to get your marriage on track!

CALL 303-444-7004 to take advantage of this special discount.
Get started right away!

A Message from Michele
Page 5 of 8 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 >
Topic Options
#2743454 - 05/16/17 08:03 AM Re: Soon to be divorced [Re: adinva]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2860
Loc: VA
So... I may actually be going on a date this weekend! Plans are in the works. Feeling happy and trying to be chill, not really succeeding in being chill though. Nope, pretty excited!
_________________________
Adinva 50, S19 S17
T28 M24 last 6 sep
6/15/11 IDLY
12/16/12 H moved out
9/15/15 Began negotiating SA
8/8/16 I filed
3/7/17 D is final - me 50 XH 51
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.

Top
#2743458 - 05/16/17 08:40 AM Re: Divorced by 2016 [Re: adinva]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 12137
Loc: CA- now East coast
Originally Posted By: adinva
Sunny asked how my first meeting with the mediator went and so I thought I'd post a little about it. It happened in my last thread, September 15. H and I seem to have little disagreement about the kids so most of our need to negotiate is financial. I met a divorce specialist financial planner at a divorce workshop and have seen her a few times trying to kick start my response to H's proposed settlement agreement dated Nov 2011 that I never responded to.

This year I asked H and he agreed that we could use her as a mediator for our financial stuff, then take that to attorneys and hopefully have minimal need of their time. An attorney I spoke with had worked with this person's clients before and said that the resulting documentation made things much easier.

So Sept 15 we met across a table with her. I knew the routine a bit from my past meetings, that every question costs time and money so I try to keep to important things. H got a little bogged down - there was a debt I questioned my need to pay, and there was my inheritance that got intermingled in our marital account, they were about the same amount so I had asked him let's just take them both off the table and save time. He just couldn't wrap his head around that so the advisor explained it twice and drew a picture. Stuff like that, that I would prefer to hash out offline. However, where we butt heads offline I have said - OK we don't agree on this let's take this one to the advisor.

The advisor has shown me that with a year and a half of child support and no spousal (his offer) I would spend down my assets and need to cash out my 401(k) and spend that too, and basically retire broke. Having given H 17 years of child and home care and sacrificed my career and given up my own business to do so, it is fair to ask H to set me on my feet when he goes. She makes a case that it won't hurt him much in the long run and it will make a world of difference for me, and it seems fair. I would NEVER have known to ask for anything and would not have conceived of the amount she is suggesting as a talking point. But she's right. I'd be in the hole and my kids would likely try to help support me in the long run. H has seen the number she suggested and hasn't yet stormed out of the discussion.

We're trying to figure out, using 2014-15 expenses, exactly what it costs me to live, and exactly what I'm spending on the kids, and will for the next 4 or 5 years or so, and whether H can afford to fill in the shortfall I would experience if I maintained my current (austerity-style) standard of living.

I feel a lot of stress and fear that I might overlook some expense and run out of money anyway, so I'm trying to be thorough for my own peace of mind.

It's very interesting to see how H's and my thought processes differ. For example, H and I co-own our house and plan to sell it when S15 graduates from high school. We should each pay half the mortgage then, right? H doesn't think so because he doesn't get to live here so he's currently paying about a fourth of the mortgage. That's his view. My view is that he is basically charging his CHILDREN rent to live in their home that he left.

Another thing we differ on. We had to start off with a spreadsheet of our spending budget. My bottom line is a couple hundred in the red; I've been slowly running out of the money I took with me from our joint account. I spent as little as possible. I buy meat only about once every couple weeks, I buy clothing from a thrift shop if any, the only vacation I went on was one H gave me as a gift. I work lunch breaks and weekends walking dogs to help keep at zero net. I'd prefer not to continue living this way but I'm prepared to live on even less if I need to. I plugged $25/month into my Savings line item just to put something there. He plugged $300/month plus $1000/month to his 401(k). So when he whines that he doesn't have much at the end to give to me it's because he's SAVING it. I think his view is that I make a lot less to I should be putting a lot less into savings and my 401(k).

We seem to disagree about the kids too. His plan was to pay minimum required child support until S15 turns 18 and then nothing more to me. I can't imagine that the day they graduate from high school I no longer buy them food or a pair of jeans, let alone college books. I'm sure I will be doing that. I may keep my second job in order to do it, but I can't see turning them out on their butts at 18. Maybe that's how it will be, but it's hard for me to see.

So the meeting itself was a little tense because it's the first time we've sat together and discussed things we disagree about. H avoids conflict and I don't love it either so it's very uncomfortable for us...but having an impartial 3rd party was immensely valuable I think. I trust her to help me not get bogged down on pennies if the dollars are going to be OK.

We went over time and didn't cover all we had intended.

The financial advisor followed up with 50-page reports analyzing our financial futures with various assumptions regarding child support and spousal support amounts, and selling the house now vs in 2018. Took me two whole days concentrating just to understand them. We have a bunch of corrections and adjustments for her to make, and I want to consolidate them with H and wipe out anything we agree on ahead of time, so we can come back to her for the next step more efficiently.

So that's where we are. I wrote out a to-do list this weekend to help me stop getting analysis paralysis and see where I'm headed. All I have left are:
4. List corrections and any different scenarios I want advisor to run.
5. Review these with H and consolidate/finalize
6. Send them to advisor and set up next meeting with her.
7. Agree on property division
8. Take to attorney to draft new separation agreement
9. H and I sign it
10. File for divorce.

Simple. NOT!!!



Adinva,

I'm catching up on your thread. First reaction is cry

but since I've also read the last post, I know it's okay.

I'm embroiled in GDC (Gross Div Crap) and just plodding thru it, is horrific and that's without h in the room.

I have more to read up on now, so that's all I can say for now!

Except I'm now close to DC so maybe we can do lunch sometime
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H solo - ALASKA, 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08

*2016*
H Alaska Again!
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW

Don't look back, it's not where you're going

Top
#2743465 - 05/16/17 09:02 AM Re: Soon to be divorced [Re: adinva]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 12137
Loc: CA- now East coast
Originally Posted By: adinva
OK job thanks!

Hi RAI - I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and hope the judge is fair to you.

I had started to feel like KNOWING what I would have, even if it was less than what I thought I needed, was something I could work with, and WONDERING what I would have was unbearably stressful. That was what finally got me out of the 2012-2017 limbo.



THIS^^^^^

it's the limbo. My h has quit his new "GREATEST JOB EVER!" to avoid paying me support. Sees no contribution from me to his career

(h was a veterinary student when we married, then a veterinarian, then we had a child, then he was a med student, then we had a 2nd child, then he was an intern, resident, staff and then we had a 3rd child and then h did a fellowship. And I went thru law school and worked till we had child #3.
We moved 9-12 times, (*depending on how you count a move---

To see, in writing, that "25 did nothing to further my career"...really hurts at a gut level.

Sure, we can say it's insane and distorted, and believe it, but it still stings. So does hearing that he's
"in a r" on fb, while we are still married. He NOW posts on fb often, with photos of them kissing in Mexico..."SO HAPPY NOW"

as if I was his big obstacle...


But for me, it's the financial limbo that seems to hinder forward movement b/c I don't really KNOW what I can count on.

Hmm, like my marriage...

I do look forward to the limbo ending soon. At least my h's behavior has helped me move faster thru the grief b/c he's being such an a$$ that I think it'll be easier not to miss him.

The h i once knew, loved and married, is for all intents and purposes, dead to me. Not coming back. Now, that knowledge certainty actually helps my forward progress more than hurts.

Do I hope he'll someday really regret things?? Of course. I have an ego.

But I also know what matters most in my life is MY PATH...and h is not on it.

please keep posting Adinva!

_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H solo - ALASKA, 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08

*2016*
H Alaska Again!
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW

Don't look back, it's not where you're going

Top
#2743466 - 05/16/17 09:04 AM Re: Soon to be divorced [Re: 25yearsmlc]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 12137
Loc: CA- now East coast
PS

to be clear, I unfriended h as soon as we parted ways. Never looked. Those FB posts were told to me and to not look. So i was warned.

but if h knew how our mutual friends and family (none of whom commented on his posts) saw his behavior,

I wonder if he'd realize how cliched he looks, how unkind and how over compensating.

anyhow, as I said, in a way it helped me detach b/c it would have been gut wrenching to take that IN...so

back to earth
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H solo - ALASKA, 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08

*2016*
H Alaska Again!
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW

Don't look back, it's not where you're going

Top
#2743864 - 05/19/17 10:24 AM Re: Soon to be divorced [Re: 25yearsmlc]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2860
Loc: VA
OMG 25. So good to hear from you but I am picking myself up off the floor about the change in your sitch. What an unbelievable and stupid a$$ your h is. Wow. I hope you get thru the horrible divorce crud quickly and move on to much better things as you deserve them. Please do find me for lunch. I'm never in fb but will go see if I can get you my contact info. Hugs to you 25. I will read up on your threads.
_________________________
Adinva 50, S19 S17
T28 M24 last 6 sep
6/15/11 IDLY
12/16/12 H moved out
9/15/15 Began negotiating SA
8/8/16 I filed
3/7/17 D is final - me 50 XH 51
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.

Top
#2743866 - 05/19/17 10:39 AM Re: Soon to be divorced [Re: adinva]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2860
Loc: VA
My head is all over the place. My friend has a sitter for Saturday so its a real date. It has dredged up a lot of unresolved stuff, answering questions and choosing what to divulge, what not to. Catching myself still seeking pity when this is my chance to own my story focus on all the good in my life and hold my head up. I still find there's anger about some things. I will swim some of it off at the gym.
_________________________
Adinva 50, S19 S17
T28 M24 last 6 sep
6/15/11 IDLY
12/16/12 H moved out
9/15/15 Began negotiating SA
8/8/16 I filed
3/7/17 D is final - me 50 XH 51
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.

Top
#2743867 - 05/19/17 10:44 AM Re: Soon to be divorced [Re: adinva]
Ginger1 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/15
Posts: 1452
Good luck! it will be fine. Check the anger at the door. Check a lot of your sitch at the door too. Be you, not the person defined by your divorce, but be the person who shares what they enjoy, loves about life, interests.....

let everything flow naturally

Top
#2743868 - 05/19/17 10:56 AM Re: Soon to be divorced [Re: Ginger1]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2860
Loc: VA
Thanks Ginger1 that is good advice. I like how you put it.
_________________________
Adinva 50, S19 S17
T28 M24 last 6 sep
6/15/11 IDLY
12/16/12 H moved out
9/15/15 Began negotiating SA
8/8/16 I filed
3/7/17 D is final - me 50 XH 51
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.

Top
#2743869 - 05/19/17 11:05 AM Re: Soon to be divorced [Re: adinva]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 12137
Loc: CA- now East coast
Good luck tonight!

Um, yeah you need to keep us posted (obviously)

cool
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H solo - ALASKA, 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08

*2016*
H Alaska Again!
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW

Don't look back, it's not where you're going

Top
#2744205 - 05/22/17 11:39 AM Re: Soon to be divorced [Re: 25yearsmlc]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2860
Loc: VA
Well I got over the hurdle of going on a date but I'm all over the place emotionally. Lots of chatting before probably wasn't the best idea (phone and text, mildly flirtatious). I was really enjoying it, but it created some expectation I think. I was unrealistically positive beforehand, so felt excessively letdown afterward bc I didn't feel an attraction I was hoping to feel. May be hard to extricate or be honest about what I'm feeling. (What I'm feeling changes back and forth too.)Maybe I need to let the pendulum swinging stop to see how I really feel and where to go from here. I just think right now that I'd be really happy to be friends, and that he is hoping for a lot more than that. I could be misinterpreting, but I don't think I am.

Notwithstanding, I had a very nice time. He was amazingly attentive and interested, and I enjoyed that a lot.

Now I feel more apprehensive than excited though when I get texts from him. And I'm trying not to reciprocate quite as much.
_________________________
Adinva 50, S19 S17
T28 M24 last 6 sep
6/15/11 IDLY
12/16/12 H moved out
9/15/15 Began negotiating SA
8/8/16 I filed
3/7/17 D is final - me 50 XH 51
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.

Top
Page 5 of 8 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 >


Moderator:  Cristy, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004