I think you should go with your gut. Oh, I didn't realize you had some information. Why don't you send that via email and I can include it in my thought process. Something like that. I think you handled it great on the thinking about it. I have learned to do the same with my H because he never tells me anything and I also like to give it back a little. It is interesting watching him have to be the one to push the agenda now.
Well, just now I got a notice from my budget monitoring software that it can no longer access the joint account, so apparently he changed the password on it or closed the account. There was no money left, but it was my only route to the mortgage, since it is through that bank and I have no other accounts with them.
This may be all he wants to tell me. Or my cynical side says that perhaps this is my punishment for not doing what he wants me to do.
I do know that he wants to feel in control and like he can have me if he wants me. I've always been the mature steady one and he has never had to doubt my love for him. I think he never thought I'd move out, but I did. He'd never admit that bothered him, but I don't understand why he keeps wanting to talk/meet me.
My gut says several things right now and I'd like to hear from the vets.
While I want to DB, I don't know how it would work, honestly. With the hostile ex and the kids, the only way to progress our relationship on our terms involved us getting our own place.
The ex lived down the street from him, and when he asked me to move in with him, I told him that my boundary was that we needed to find a place to move that was away from her. She was constantly pushing boundaries and showing up and walking by, and she is not a nice person. I said we would need to find a new place within a year, and we did.
By selling the home that we bought together (across town from the awful ex), he is going to move back in her neighborhood and there is zero chance I'm moving back in to that awful place where I have to feel at her mercy.
Salvaging the R would mean living separately until the kids were grown, and what sort of R is that? I'd have to settle in every way possible.
I don't know. I'm getting off topic. Do I meet him or no? I don't feel like I want to, because I think it's just for him to feel in control of me/get a dose of Cadence.
That's your answer. Listen to, and trust, yourself. Hard to do after we've been shattered, but so important to the Reboot we all have to go through.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Hey girl, Even though you got off topic a bit, I want to address that part first. I TOTALLY get what you are feeling about him/both of you moving back to the old neighborhood with her nearby. I feel like his ex is a clone of my H's ex, all the way down to the "not a nice person". She, too, has never remarried, and actually came on to him within the last few months (he doesn't know that I know this)- after hearing that we were "working through some things." She'd love nothing more than to see this marriage fail. And I'm not mind reading. She has flat out said that over and over. To further complicate things, the job that we moved up north for is one that her father was responsible for us getting. So she's tried to use that also, in her quest for control over H. So far, he's stood his ground. I have never worried about his going back to her, b/c I know how he was treated for the years in that marriage, and I believe, as much as anyone can know another's heart, that she would be the last person he would choose to be with. That said, it's frustrating to watch her try to manipulate him by using that job connection, not to mention the two children they have together. So yes, I get that, totally. I think what I would tell myself if I were in your situation, is- if he wanted to reconcile, he would steer clear of her neighborhood. He may pretend he doesn't see her influence in his daily life, but I think men know. Sometimes I think it's easier for them to pretend they don't. I'd stick to my gut on that one and go nowhere near that neighborhood. As for the meeting~ are you strong enough at this point to meet with him, with no expectations of R? It's one thing to be strong through email, phone, etc., but face to face may be a little harder. If you are, and want to see him, then go. However! If you're not, or you're not sure, then go with the advice above and buy yourself a little more time. You don't sound sure to me, but it's sometimes hard to read from just posts. The last thing I want to see you do is meet him, and crumble. You've worked too hard to claw your way to the emotional place you are now, and I don't want him to have the power to make that crash for you. On the other hand, if he is missing you, then that would be a good thing. But is he is, and you don't meet right now, he won't just stop missing you. So don't put a time line on it or think, this may be my last chance..... Give yourself time until you're sure you can handle the outcome of the meeting and be fine with it. Either way, we've got your back! (((((Cadence)))))
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Well, folks, I just left the office with a friend/colleague while she bought breakfast and returned to yet another voicemail on my work phone.
He had a nice soft tone to his voice and said he hadn't heard back from me, and "as you know" he can't carry the house, and he wonders if I'll meet him to discuss what I think is fair.
What the heck? Just yesterday I told him I wanted more time and now he's calling me. At work.
I feel really angry. Where was his concern when I was losing my home? Where was his concern about his finances when I warned him of this very situation?
But no, what was most important to him was to make it as acrimonious as possible (to which I did not bite) in order to end it. If he'd had even a tiny bit of logic/reasonableness back then, he couldn't have ended it, because it would have ruined his narrative.
This call coupled with him changing the password on the joint account makes me feel like he's hoping to control me. At the same time, it does tug on my heartstrings. I hurt for him. I miss him. But everything has changed, due to his own choices, and I have to worry about ME.
Cadence, This may not be what you want to hear, but I'm reading this "soft, kind voice mail" thing as- the cold, selfish attitude did not produce the results I wanted, and now I have these bills staring me in the face that I did not think about in my haste to end this relationship.... so now let's see if kindness will work on her to help get these practical matters taken care of. It smells like manipulation. I'd be very careful here and let your brain look out for you in this part of the situation, not your heart. Miss him in private. But be strong in real time. Don't be talked into a financial situation that will be damaging to you, just b/c you don't want to see him hurt. He didn't guard your heart, so don't be the gatekeeper for his wallet. He made his bed......
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I am really angry right now. I want to lash out at him. He's trying to guilt trip me and it is coming up upon 4 months since he ripped the rug right out from under my feet and had zero empathy for me.
Wow, I am in exactly the same place with mine on the house thing (he wants me to sell and move near him and I don't want to) and Leah's post just whacked me on the head about his sudden turn of "niceness."
Essentially he wants me to feel bad for him, when he's refused any empathy for me for months.
This was what he needed. If he made it anything less than acrimonious and hateful, it all fell apart. And now he's feeling the impact of his choices and he wants to guilt trip me?
