I'm having a pretty rough time now that my second move is done. I guess the distraction of thinking of practical matters was distracting me.
I also started on some prozac, and I honestly wonder if it's making me feel worse. I was promised a reduction in anxiety, which I think has happened, but I'm experiencing an increase in depression (which could be circumstantial) and a massive decrease in energy.
My new building is full of young cohabitating couples, and it's triggering my "what is wrong with me that I can't make this work and everyone else can?" cognitive distortion pretty badly.
I didn't hear from my lawyer in over a week, which led to me ignoring the ex's last email to me. It was just prompting me to respond to his last proposal regarding the house sale.
My lawyer finally called yesterday but I'm trying to work up the courage to talk to him as I am in no shape to make decisions.
As a reminder, we own a house, and we each own half of it. He contributed the down payment and I did not (I made monthly payments). Since he decided to dump me out of nowhere and sell a house we just bought last year, he's had this idea that he can get his down payment back. And that's not how it works, but it seems to be some magical thinking on his part.
So, of course, my ex calls my work phone this morning. I had caller ID so I didn't answer. He left a voicemail in a warm tone, saying he'd appreciate it if I'd call him back to discuss a resolution regarding the house. He also followed it up with an email asking if I had time to talk or meet.
This all rings hollow to me. His attorney probably advised him to reach out and be nice. He had how many months when I was still living with him to be nice and collaboratively discuss the house sale? But he didn't. He just wanted to be angry with me. That experience has left me gun shy.
But I still love him, and I still wish for things to work out. But what does that say about me, that he's now thrown me out like trash twice, while professing true love in between these times? Don't I deserve better? Why don't I believe that? He's not the answer. He's a very troubled man who will seem to do anything not to have to confront his past. Why shouldn't I choose financial security even if it means losing him forever?
My ex is similar to Thornton's, in that he's left me twice now and it's always right before a larger commitment was to take place. It comes after his professions of love and happiness, and it happens very quickly. And he's very stubborn and doesn't fully believe that feelings don't shape reality, so then there's a reinforcing "if I did that, there must be a reason I did it. I must be unhappy." effect.
On the other hand, I believe the real him is the one that loves me. What does it say about him that he didn't manipulate me by staying together while the house sold and then dumping me? He's obviously not a manipulative mastermind here, because that would have been the way to go if this were all pre-planned.
If anyone can find it in their heart to advise me, I'd appreciate it. I've been handling all of this pretty well, I think, and I've hit a low point where I can't make even the simplest of decisions.
Let me ask you, are you working out and taking care of your body? Without the gym, I think I'd be locked up in the looney bin by now.
I feel similiar to you in that my mind (logic) tells me that W is bad for me and will always be a runner until she can tackle her own demons.
My heart (emotion) tells me that W is a flawed person like the rest of us and deserves understanding and that love can fix everything.
In the past, I've always made decisions regarding W based on my emotion.
That ^^^ thinking is the reason I'm here again with yet another broken heart.
Bottom line is that we both deserve better, Cadence. We don't believe it right now because our self esteem is in the gutter.
My best advice when going through these trying times, is to do nothing. If you don't feel confident in your ability to make smart decisions for you, then don't make any decisions at all for right now. The right path will reveal itself in time.
I also feel like you do when I see other couples. What in the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I keep a relationship? Why does it seem so effortless to all these other couples?
Thanks Thornton. I'm worried it's not just a dip and I'll be stuck in this low point.
I am not working out. I should. But right now I just want to lie on my couch and watch netflix. I tell myself it's because I'm excited to have a couch again, but it's also my way of checking out.
Thornton, can you tell me what you'd do if you were me? Would you have your lawyer take over communication? This reduces opportunities to DB but might be effective in distancing myself. And would you stick with 50% or negotiate down?
My ex has significant issues with his mother and whenever we get too close he seems to freak out and project all sorts of anger onto me. It's so hard because otherwise he's the sweetest person. My friends and family are all devastated for me since they saw how much we loved one another. The situation could not be any more confusing for me...
First things first, you need to exercise. Exercise is the best anti-depressant there is. You're depressed so you will need to force yourself. I know I did. It will take a few weeks to make it a habit but you will feel your endorphins kick in and let me tell you it is a sweet relief.
Honestly, Cadence, I would protect myself financially and go for 50%. That's fair, no? And let your L do the negotiating if you don't feel confident in your ability to not get taken advantage of.
You need to find a way to get out of your own head. Let's be honest here, your H and my W will not change UNLESS they want to spend alot of time and energy facing their demons. If they can't do this, then I'm subscribing to "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior".
You've been left 2x and me 3x. When is enough, enough?
I would have to agree with Thornton. You have to protect yourself financially regardless so 50% is fair.
You can still work on your R while remaining firm to what you deserve. Continue setting boundaries for yourself and stick to them!
Also, IMPO, I would not aid or help him in any way in regards to this break up. How long did you try to get him to talk to you?? If he wants to talk so bad just remind him that this isn't what you wanted so he needs to speak to your L about it. Therefore, I personally would have my L take over the communication. Maybe "go dark" with him and just love him from a distance.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
You can still work on your R while remaining firm to what you deserve. Continue setting boundaries for yourself and stick to them!
I don't know if I deserve it. He contributed much more than me, but in the eye of the law we are both equal owners, so this is really tough.
I fear that sticking up for 50% will just cause acrimony and bitterness.
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Also, IMPO, I would not aid or help him in any way in regards to this break up.
Oh gosh, no. Once he broke up with me, I set major boundaries. This was prior to knowing about DBing or (suspected) MLC, so I asked him to leave the bedroom. Before he officially ended things, I thought he'd come around, so I'd happily announce every night that I loved him just before we fell asleep, as I'd done for years. He'd just grunt in return. (Cringe.)
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How long did you try to get him to talk to you?? If he wants to talk so bad just remind him that this isn't what you wanted so he needs to speak to your L about it.
Quite a long time. Before I moved, he'd approach me and say things like "we need to talk about the house" and I'd say "'We??' Now you want to work collaboratively?"
Even after I knew I had the advantage with regard to the house, I tried to get him to come to his senses, which probably pushed him further away.
It's so hard to know what to do. On one hand, I feel like I should insist upon getting back what I put in, no more, no less, and call it a day. On the other hand, I feel like I should stand up for what is legally mine. He entered into a contract and doesn't get to change that on a whim.
Unfortunately, this depression has me unable to make decisions and questioning everything that I do. I'm afraid to do something I regret and it feels so high stakes. He's done this (left me out of the blue shortly after proclaiming his undying love for me and just prior to a major commitment), so why would I expect differently? What am I scared of losing? I find it hard to believe that my friends and family wouldn't be extremely disappointed in me if I gave him another shot.
But I've also never felt so loved, and I've been sure since early on in our relationship that he's the one for me. But maybe I'm wrong. ARGH.
I don't have a good answer for you. I tend to struggle with decisions like this. And am also having similar internal debates regarding financials.
I certainly would not allow yourself to come out of this less then even. Financially, you should not have to suffer a loss when the law is in your favor. And I would not base any decisions with the hope that he will see you as a this wonderful self sacrificing person and come back to you (I don't think that's what your doing at all).
At the same time, I would not take advantage of a legal aspect that you yourself see as unfair. If that's the case. Go with a decision, that you will look back on and be proud that you did not allow someone to take advantage of you, but at the same time proud that you made a decision with fairness and respect for another person.
If you purchased a home with a friend and had to sell it due to your friends job transfer, How would you handle it?
If you purchased a home with a friend and had to sell it due to your friends job transfer, How would you handle it?
Well, that's so difficult because:
a) I'd still trust that my friend had both of our interests at heart. I wouldn't need to hire a lawyer like I did when he became (what I saw as) irrational and totally self-centered, and
b) a job transfer is an unforeseen event. In this case he did a 180 and decided to end things and sell the house, for some everchanging reasons. He finally settled on the fact that he didn't know how to be in a relationship and have boundaries, but - to me - that indicates something he needs to work on, not a reason to leave.
Given that this was his unilateral decision, and that when he expressed doubts I supported him backing out from the house purchase, I think that I won't budge on getting back:
The payments I made Legal fees Moving costs Extra property taxes I will incur
However, if I knew that things were really and truly over, I'd be considering the 50%. Where did I put that crystal ball?
Cadence - just something I've recently been thinking a lot about lately. I think I might be mourning the fantasy relationship I had with W. As I get more distance from her, I am beginning to see things in a new light. I'm starting to take her off the pedestal.
Do you think maybe you are mourning the fantasy marriage you had always imagined with H?
Do you think maybe you are mourning the fantasy marriage you had always imagined with H?
Thornton, I don't think so. We had our problems but he was mostly open to discussing them and a majority were caused by his ex. She wanted to create constant problems and conflict as a way of hanging onto him/control. That had an end date of just a few more years since the kids were already teenagers and there'd be little need to communicate with her since his main relationships would be directly with his adult children.
Being legally mandated to communicate with a horrible person who knew how to push his buttons was hell. And she resorted to emotionally hurting the kids to try to hurt him. It was some really tough stuff. I would not have stayed in a relationship with those challenges unless I was happy, and I was.
I honestly think that depression took him over, made him feel hopeless, and he lumped our R into the hopelessness. I feel that his ex was hitting him on several fronts, in order to encourage the depression along, since she had many years with him to learn how to push his buttons. And it worked. He panicked and self-sabotaged.
By the time I found DB, it had already been two months of him doing everything he could to show me how little he cared and to try to start arguments with me. So there was no opportunity for me to turn it around and start doing much validating. I regret that.
Now I just feel hopeless and stuck in a no win situation. I have enough trouble deciding what I'll eat for lunch, let alone a major decision like this one.
I believe I could be happy with him again if he were willing to finally get into IC and address his past. I don't think I could trust him to not do this again in his 2/2.5 year cycle if he didn't.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I know the pain of caring about kids that aren't yours, though I was never able to develop close relationships with them due to their mother putting them in loyalty binds. But still, it was painful to say goodbye.
