Round 2, Part 2 (Electric Boogaloo)

[Tryin2figuritout]

Feeling good, but venting a little. I was texting the W about the timing of a potential vacation for just me and the kids later in the summer. She goes from "ok, just let me know" to "I've got to go I'm losing it" in like 2 seconds flat.

Could it be because last time you went on vacation with the kids it was the longest she's been away from them? If so, then that is something she will have to get used to. Maybe its why she had to go so quickly?

Could be. To me this is all part of "the other shoe dropping". It's one thing to separate from me, but it's a lot more separating from the family. She's already been saying over and over that she's going to have to be the bad guy. It just sounds like a lot of guilt IMHO.

The other day she confessed that my D13 are so close that she often feels like an outcast and left out. I told her that I was sorry she felt this way.

In my position, if my STBEW said that to me I would just have to quote Seinfeld and say; "That's a shame". However, your sitch is nowhere near mine so I would say it was probably wise to validate her feelings there. Did you guys discuss this issue any further?

Yes. She was spending the day with my D13 on Monday going to an awards ceremony a few hours away. I knew she was going to get QT with my D13, so I wished her well in getting to spend all the QT and followed up with hoping it helped. She said thanks and it was a great day.

All part of 180's on my part as I know I would have said I was glad she got to do this before, but definitely more in tune with her feelings right now.

[Tryin2figuritout]

It's our school-church Fair this weekend and we've been blessed with incredible weather. Been some good light interaction, but that's about it.

My W was talking about my SIL's Ex-H who is a real piece of work. Just a plain narcissistic, grade A, you know what, and she looks at me and says "please tell me we'll never be like that". Hard to hear that and validate because it's a gut punch and I simply looked at her like that was nonsense - the behavior, not the us as separated.

She's driven herself to a lonely place as she just hung around with me and my best friend because "she has no friends now". We've been at this school/church for about 12 years. It's like she's isolated herself and I'm just not going to pity party that. These are her choices to do so.

My friend, who's M is also in a rocky spot, said "you would have no idea that y'all are in trouble they way the two of y'all interact". The hopeful part of me knows this is because there is more good than bad in our R. The not so hopeful says it's cause she's done and already moved on with nothing to fight for. Either way, it's about me, GAL and my kids.

Had IC on Friday and it was another good session. My counselor is not the greatest, but for some reason he still works for me. In some ways, I just think forcing yourself to purge the bad, bad stuff that you only keep in your head/soul/heart/whatever is just such a relief. It clears a lot of pain, fears, etc.

Next weekend for Mother's Day, I will not have the kids, so after tonight I only get them on Wed PM/Thur/Fri AM. I've had travel for work and so that "softens" that blow, but I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm trying to plan out my next week/plus to do a sugar detox. Been losing a bit of weight but trying to jump start before Summer.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend and GAL'ing. Be well.

[lt0402]

She's driven herself to a lonely place as she just hung around with me and my best friend because "she has no friends now". We've been at this school/church for about 12 years. It's like she's isolated herself and I'm just not going to pity party that. These are her choices to do so.

Tryin, my W has pushed herself into a similar spot. All of her friends are either on FB or in another state via text. You are correct in not joining the pity party, but you can help in filling that gap. Just make sure you don't go way out of your way doing it and that it's something you want to do. I've made no headway in fixing our friendship, but it seems like you and your W have an ok base from which to work. Saying that having read the first couple pages of your first thread and the first one of this one, but will catch up soon.

Either way, it's about me, GAL and my kids.

Yes, 100% spot on!

In some ways, I just think forcing yourself to purge the bad, bad stuff that you only keep in your head/soul/heart/whatever is just such a relief. It clears a lot of pain, fears, etc.

It does, but you've always got to be cognizant that it's there. Don't bury it and think you've purged it. Let your head/soul/heart/whatever process it, experience it, and let go of it. Once you can do that you can lessen the magnitude of some of the peaks and troughs we all experience on this roller coaster ride. Self awareness is huge.

I'm trying to plan out my next week/plus to do a sugar detox. Been losing a bit of weight but trying to jump start before Summer.

This will make you feel so much better. Let us know how the detox goes.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend and GAL'ing. Be well.

Hang in there brother. These times are tough but as you've seen in your past, not insurmountable. Keep making yourself better and you'll be good.

[Tryin2figuritout]

You are correct in not joining the pity party, but you can help in filling that gap. Just make sure you don't go way out of your way doing it and that it's something you want to do.

So much easier said than done. One of those things that you have to be careful with but not too careful or else it comes across as fake or manipulating. Hard to do it without making yourself too vulnerable.

It does, but you've always got to be cognizant that it's there. Don't bury it and think you've purged it.

Yes!! I guess the purge word was too strong. It's really about just acknowledging and being aware than anything and not letting it get the best of you.

This will make you feel so much better. Let us know how the detox goes.

We shall see. I've been up and down in weight all my life and really know what I need to do. It's about commitment and lifestyle change. You can be "all in" one minute and then "off the wagon" the next. Hoping for a good week. Heading to the beach in over 3 weeks so wanting to make a go at a solid couple weeks of healthy eating.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Looking for advice. Just got a text from the W thanking me for working with her on the kids and it brings her a lot of peace.

I think this is all just the classic "check the box" that everything is going to be ok with being divorced, so let's just get divorced. It's such the simple answer because heavy lifting is just not the way to go for the WAS.

I can't imagine really having anything to say that changes that path and I guess I'm just rambling about it. I'd rather say take your peace and shove it!! I just don't think or know of anything that would derail the D-train and I guess that's just it.

Ugh, so frustrating, but don't we all know it and live it.

[EastTN]

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" springs to mind. Why even bother responding, anyway?

[Tryin2figuritout]

Why even bother responding, anyway?

Good point. Man, never thought of a thanks that would would set me off so much. I'd like to say that I give zero [expletive of your choice] about your peace and am just doing what I need to do for my family.

I guess part of me is still sitting here thinking she's just continuing to convince herself D is the right answer. By her telling me it brings her peace that she's happy with where we are as separated/heading for D. Well, I'm not and I'm far from it. I'm not going to beg/plead, but man is it frustrating.

Part of me wanting to say something too is 180. ...Syndrome has plagued my life and saying something with a firm hand on this might be needed, but I just don't know what that statement is.

We got here the first time around because she was a stay at home mom and did everything for the kids while I just busted my arse off. Balanced that out a bit and then after we got back together my W stopped working. As soon as she went back to work in September, I definitely picked up more load with the kids because I knew I needed to.

I just feel like it's the "well, this should be no problem to co-parent, so let's do this" and that's just all horse sh1t to me.

[EastTN]

I know what you mean. "This is what I would have done in the past, and is exactly what is/was wrong with me, I NEED to do the 'correct' thing here" plagues me constantly. The problem is that that isn't necessarily what you need to do, is it? Just because it's different than you would have done in the past doesn't make it right.

Keep remembering your goals, and what it's going to take to get there. Do what supports those goals. Throw away every possible action that doesn't.

Hang in there, Tryin.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Thanks East. Got back to the apartment and went for a good walk/jog and stairs (free workout when you're on the 3rd floor of an apt). Just kept running around in my mind about what good would come out of this and there's really nothing that would not turn into something ugly.

To me, this is just so selfish to just tap out and run and it just made me furious about giving her peace. What about my D13's peace, S10's peace and he11 even my dog's peace. I don't get it. But it all comes across as judgmental like her feelings mean nothing and that is the last thing that needs to come out right now.

So I can share it with you fine folks who grind it too....

Time for dinner and call my munchkins. Hope everyone has a good evening. Thanks for tuning into WTRY FM... Home of LBS Alt-Rock, Classic Rock and Metal up your arse!!!! :-)

[EastTN]

Look on the bright side: at least you've got great taste in music.