Leaving it up to God (but still interfering!)

[HaWho]

Sorry you are going through a rough jag. We all understand those moments.

Regarding how your relationship with your h started and how that impacts things today, I think when a man is interested he will do the hard work. If he is not interested in doing the hard work, then good; you weeded that bad apple out.

In the beginning you set a boundary to protect your daughter and good on you for doing so! H respected that and worked around it because it was the reality if he wanted to be with you.

How that relates to now? Do you want a guy you have to lead to you with carrot and stick? Do you deserve a guy who realizes he is a complete fool to let you go?

Continue strengthening yourself for you and your d. Make yourself who you want to be for you. Don't sell yourself short for a man.

[Coly23]

Hi HaWho, thanks so much for your words of encouragement.

I agree to a certain extent that he should off course do all the hard work but my H really does need to be levered out of his comfort zone before he takes any action. Once he gets going he takes the reigns but he is not good at initiating.

I (very naughtly) carried out a little experiment on H last night. I dropped him a text and asked how his weekend was. He responded and we had a few texts back and forth. In the end I wished him a good week and signed off with 'hopefully catch up soon' (a throw away comment we use here in the UK. Doesn't always mean you have to arrange something). He responded by wishing me a good week too and then asked if we would like to go to lunch next Monday which is a holiday here in the UK.

I rest my case m'Lord.....

[skm0619]

Coly......thanks for posting on my sitch.

I'm sorry you are feeling sad . I totally understand about the "anniversary days" as this past Friday was my wedding anniversary.

I know that it is easy for us to think about these anniversary days, and it puts us back to a place where we never want to be. I understand that feeling of wanting to sleep for the whole next year. Coly, there were days where I wished I would fall asleep and never wake up. I hate to say it, but I had several of those moments in the past 18 months. And when you let those emotions take over it is very hard to feel like you are going to make it through the day.

BUT .... I have somehow gotten to a place where I don't feel that away anymore and I am very thankful for that. It doesn't mean that I don't still have days where I cry and wonder why did this have to happen to me. But, I find myself not letting those thoughts occupy my mind for too long. I know that you feel sad right now, and I totally understand. But, you will see that you are going to get to a better place....give yourself some time and be gentle with yourself.

I really feel that coming to these boards, and having the support from everyone here helped me tremendously. I got a few 2x4s that were much needed and I finally started to take a hard look at myself and see what I could do to make myself and my sitch better. I also started thinking that this really was not about me, it was about H. He was the one who made the choice to do what he did, not me. Even though his choices put us in this horrible situation, it was up to me to decide if I wanted to stay in that place or not.

I remember Skyhigh telling me that I needed to stop obsessing about him and that I needed to focus more on me. Let me tell you that was REALLY hard for me to do. Like you, I had friends who would tell me things H was doing. I would hear that he was not doing well, or that he was out with "so and so" or he went and did "such and such" and while I thought it was helpful for me to learn those things, really it made things worse, because then I started analyzing all that information to death She also said that I was grieving and that grieving takes time. But that I would get through it, and so will you Coly. It may not seem like it right now, but you will.

I'm sure D looked absolutely stunning when she was all "made up" for the prom. I remember going to my prom.....gosh that was SO LONG AGO

Be good to yourself Coly. You are doing great

Remember, one day at a time.......

[BluWave]

Coly,

I hope you know how much I like you (yes, I am warming you up for a giant 2*4). I hesitate to post sometimes because I see so much validating and encouraging on these threads and it doesn't feel good to be the person that comes around taking the wind out of peoples' sails (not just yours, but most of the ones I read). However, I am not a rainbow f@rter and I tend to be a straight shooter. (sorry, now that I am in Retrouvaille, I speak in metaphors, haha) I am not here to earn points from anyone, but I feel that I am here to give people advice on what will ultimately help them become a stronger (healthier and happier) person and therefore increase their chance of restoring their M. I think you can't have the latter without the former.

I see you still hanging on to his actions and words and not living a life without him. I don't see how this is helping you move forward. You appear stuck and to be waiting for him to change his mind. In your sitch, I have seen you appear stronger when you go dark and start imagining a life without him. You seem to struggle more when you have more contact with him. You continue to initiate contact and then keep waiting and hoping for him to come around. You are justifying that he is not coming around because it has never been in his nature to pursue. I don't agree with this and I think you are justifying his behavior. This is a part of you still holding on. ... My H has never initiated/pursued anything, but that is a temperament/personality and ultimately he is still able to navigate his way and get what he wants. I think that is true for most people.

I think that you holding on is keeping you held back. Do you really want to sleep through the next year? Because if you did, you would wake up exactly where you are now. He is gone. He has been gone for a year. He does not have any plans of coming back. I am sorry that hurts you. I truly am. when my H was gone one of my dear friends would tell me that he is gone, it's over, and he is never coming back. It hurt so much to hear and I thought at times she was being insensitive. Now, I can see that she was trying to help me move on because she saw me not letting go. I think she was right in her approach because her saying that helped me accept my current reality and start grieving.

I also have noticed that you said that your H left "us" referring to you and your D. She has become a source of support and like a friend in this and has even told you to let him go. Something doesn't read right about this to me. Yes, H made the choice to leave his M, but I am not sure it is fair to suggest that you and your D are one unit. I am also not sure it is healthy for her that she is trying to be your support. I know she is almost an adult, but she is still your child. Have you ever said to her "this is between me and your step-dad and not about you. I don't want you to have to worry about me, I will be fine."? I just don't want her to have to feel this responsibility for you. She loves you so much and this is a lot for a young woman to take on. When she wants to protect mom, she feels a need to be strong, and consequently she may not be as able to address her own emotions as well. I know first hand because I have had to be a caretaker for my mom when she has lost husbands and it's not the best mother-daughter dynamic to set up.

Look, I am not an expert. I only know about you what I have read from my screen. But I see you as this incredibly loving mother, kind and compassionate person, and this guy has just walked out on you. He still gets your friendship (which I don't think he deserves) and now you are waiting a year later for him to change his mind and come back. It doesn't look like that is happening, or not any time soon. I also have not seen many people on the boards nice or friend their way back into a M. What appears to work is when the LBS lets go, moves on, and starts creating a better life without them. Plus, I think you and D deserve that.

I am sorry if I am harsh and not giving you hope and high fives like everyone else. I am just telling you honestly what I see. I wish for you that you would let this guy and this semi friendship go and start moving on. It's okay to feel sad and grieve. It's very painful. But you also deserve to be happy and start enjoying life again. As for him, well I can't even see how he deserves your friendship right now. I think a strong Coly wouldn't want to even be friends with the guy you are describing.

(((Coly))) If you hate me and don't want me to post anymore, I will completely understand. I am truly sorry if that stung. This is honestly and truthfully what I see from over here.

Blu

[Coly23]

Hey SKM and Blu, thanks so much for posting.

You are both right off course, I need to stop obsessing. I'm trying so hard to get on with my life and to a certain extent I am because I am doing things for me and D without even considering H. For example we have booked our holiday for after her exams without even giving him a second thought. Also I am starting to reconnect with a lot of my friends who I avoided for a while because I was not in a good place to socialise. I am feeling a little bit better.

Blu, please don't ever feel like you will upset me. Off course your 2x4's sting a bit but I guess that is what they are meant to do . I just dont know how to let go without being a real b!tch and that is what I am trying hard to avoid. Once that happens then all hell will break loose and I will be on a train which will destroy any relationship that me and my H ever had or could have in the future. That is why I am holding back so much.

I take your point about D although I feel that without me he would never have known her so yes I feel like he has left her too. He watched me go through the end of a terrible divorce from my first H and watched both me and D suffer. He told her on our wedding day in front of friends and family that he would be the father to her that she never had so yes I feel he has left her too.

She is a typical 16 year old and is not bothered about seeing him although I have never stopped her. I suspect his reason for asking us out to lunch is because that is the only way he will get to see her at the moment so maybe I am enabling that. I also realise I lean on her too much but mostly now I cry in my bedroom or when she is not around.

The thing that stops me from letting go completely is because I know he is just not himself. He just didn't get fed up or angry and upped and left. He said a lot of worrying things like he doesn't feel like himself, something just clicked etc and I know for a fact that there is no OW. So I don't know where this leaves me.

I think I am rambling a bit because I am finding it hard to put into words how I am feeling. Sometimes I want to scream because I don't get to have the life I thought I would have. I think most of the time I just function on autopilot because if I stop I don't think I will be able to start moving again. It's all such a mess in my head! So many conflicting thoughts buzz in and out every second of the day I am surprised I actually get any work done! BUT, I am feeling and coping much better then I did 6 months ago .

I am sorry Blu, I know you are probably very frustrated with me and I am frustrated with me too! Do you think he is cake eating by wanting to meet us for lunch? Should I have said no? I just see this as a bit of progress because a few moths ago he would never have asked me to do anything with him. Im soooo confused !!!

[Ginger1]

I am going to have to agree with blu here. Some posters don't like me much because I come from back in the day where we didn't all validate and hug it out all the time. I come from a time on this board where tough love was given because it was what was going to make the difference. Let me tell you, I was a trainwreck. I won't get into the nitty gritty details, but I was anti-DB crazy. And I got HAMMERED with 2x4's. And boy and I thankful. Some of those who hammered me are close IRL friends now. I realize now they saved me. And my D.

I don't think he is cake eating by wanting to meet you for lunch. I think he is simply trying to keep things conflict avoidant and civil and he knows this is what you are seeking right now. You temp checked for it, and you got it. There is a chance he may be scared to just spend time with D alone for fear you will feel rejected and get upset.

You still have a little string attached. And you claim he is not being him. But how is keeping that little bit of attachement going to make him become him again?

Let him truly come to you. Stop temp checking him and baiting him into lunch invites. let him do them on his free will. It's hard as heck to do, but I know you can do it.

[Ginger1]

P.S- look at the title of your thread..... Stop interfering!

I have learned in these long 9 years of being dating after divorce..... I want to leave it up to God. I never want to bait anything into happening. I don't want to force anything. I want whatever guy who wants to be with me to come to me with a pure heart, unforced, unguilted.... I want him to be there because he absolutely wants to be.

[job]

Coly,

I agree 100% w/what Blu and Ginger have posted to you. Your h isn't going to miss you if you continue inviting him to things. He's not going to focus on himself and figure things out if you are there in his mind 24/7.

Also, you can't detach if you are temper checking all of the time. Detaching takes time...but I do have several questions for you.

What are you afraid of if you just let things go and flow naturally? Evidently holding on to the reins tightly isn't helping, so drop them and leave them on the ground.

How would you handle the situation if you were actually divorced or heavens forbid he was dead?

Coly, you can't control him, what he does or thinks. But how you react to him is within your control. The only person you can control is yourself and you have to find the strength within yourself to let him go completely. I truly believe you can do this if you make up your mind to do so. Focus on you and your daughter and just leave that man out there to find himself and miss you.

[Coly23]

Thanks for the feedback everyone! I guess I deserved all those 2x4s!

Hey Ginger, yes your right I am still interfering (sigh)! However, I have to disagree that H is afraid to spend time with D on her own in case it upsets me. I have encouraged her to meet him whenever he has asked and the reason why I started family night was because she said she felt awkward seeng him on her own. Mainly she said it was because he has changed so much and she has very little to talk to him about. Also she said she was finding it difficult to fit him in to her social life (!) and started to resent having to give up seeing her friends at the weekend. I even suggested that if he asked her to go away with him in the summer with our friends and their kids I would be happy for that to happen but she said she didn't want to go anywhere without me as I am her real family and she didn't want to enable his choices.

She clings more to me because her real Dad hasn't contacted her since she was 7 years old. I have over the years encouraged her to try and reach out to her Dad but H always said it was a bad idea so I didn't pursue it to keep the status quo. My D is quite headstrong and if she wanted to see either her own Dad or H she would do so. I'm afraid it really is his loss and he knows it THAT is why he is initiating lunches. BUT, I am mind reading as I really don't know the real reason.

Another thing with H is that if he didn't want to go to lunch he wouldn't have asked. He has a choice. He can contact D directly so he wouldn't even know if I felt rejected if he only asked her to lunch as I wouldn't tell him and neither would D. HE would be mind raring in that case! He really isn't a shy little wallflower who feels bullied and scared by my reactions. He was not scared of making me feel rejected when he told me he didn't love me blah, blah, blah at BD.

I am still afraid Job, not of being alone but I'm scared that I will completely lose the love for my H. I can't imagine not ever loving him.

However I take on board everyone's comments. I know I need to detach more but I have read on some old threads that making contact every now and again isn't a bad thing. HappyAgain said it actually helped when his W invited him to dinner every now and again and he was a really angry WAS!

Anyway, I am just going to collect up all the bits of timber and see if I can build myself a box to put my phone in to so when I feel the need I can lock it away in there!!

Happy Tuesday everyone!

[OwnIt]

Coly,

I think that the problem is that you are actually delaying anything he might do of his own accord. If he sits around thinking he just needs to wait for you, then I don't think you are going to hear from him. He will just take the easy way out and wait for you to contact him.

Mine is cold and PA so quite different from yours. I have made him be the one to contact most of the time. However, when I see that it has been a long time since he has seen the kids and I see him spinning in some way, I generally reach out to him and ask him if he wants to see them. Now I wish I hadn't done it. I think those are the times that he might actually make some of his own progress. When he whined a few weeks ago about me never telling him anything that is going on, I reminded him that he chose to leave and has been cruel to me, leaving me no incentive to want to contact him. I told him if he wanted to know something, he need only ask me, but that I was no longer spoonfeeding him.