Dealing with Devastation

[giftd]

Okay, so texted today asking if when I can call because I had to ask her about taking care of the pets on Friday. She called after work and we talked for about 20 minutes.

Kept things light at first and we joked a bit. She asked me to be careful while in Vegas. Said she'd probably be able to do Friday ad she'd take care of it if she couldn't (friend come check on them).

I asked if I could call on the way home from visiting my family tomorrow (it's a 3 hour drive), she said "I'm gonna say no". I asked if I could know why. "I don't want to fall into old habits". Then I asked what the habits were. "I don't want to have expectations and then if someone doesn't call the other gets mad". She then continued; "I thought we set up this last time?". I said no, I wrote down the boundaries, but she said I hadn't been calling when talking about how she felt. She said "I mean when I said you could call once a week, unless there's something funny or important I guess".

I let it go at that point, I want her to respect my boundaries with the house and our things so I know I should respect hers. I am still getting permission for contact at least once a week which means more chances to show progress. However I find myself wondering if this is her setting permanent boundaries or if this is her needing more time to work on herself under the current situation? She also said that she is working on self care (she didn't use those words) with her going to bed at a certain time and shutting her phone off while sleeping.

[Tryin2figuritout]

However I find myself wondering if this is her setting permanent boundaries or if this is her needing more time to work on herself under the current situation?

Giftd,

Wondering what's going on in her mind only makes you spin and get sucked into worrying about everything. This is where detachment is key. You can't see what's in her mind and it only wastes energy, emotion from you.

We all wonder what's going on, but the more you detach the less it impacts you daily. Remember, no expectations lead to better days for you and that's what this is all about, you.

Have a good day today, Giftd.

[giftd]

Thanks for the reply Tryin. I hear what you are saying with needing to detach, I'm just having a lot of trouble putting it into practice Visiting my family today, my mother gave me the arrows I need to start my archery. I'm hoping having something calming, semi productive, and that takes focus gives me some clear time I can build on.

[giftd]

Had counseling today, was having a hard time before taking on a lot of blame for the feelings she had. Counselor made some points and got me back to reality. Have been reading Brene Brown "The Gifts of Imperfection". It's good for me and the TED Talk is something she has seen before so it gives a talking point. Every time I mention myself reading she makes a comment about how she never thought she'd have these conversations with me. Feels good to break her expectations.

Getting a bit nervous and excited for the short trip to Vegas for a bachelor party. Might have my friend hold my phone so I don't backslide and call her a bunch.

[giftd]

Called her tonight to verify she would be able to stay on Friday to take care of animals while I'm gone. She said she would be able to and then said she was on a call on the other line and would call me back.

I got angry. Don't know why. After hanging up the phone I just got overwhelmed and sooooo frustrated with where things are. Talked to a friend who pointed out that from the lowest point we've come a long way and that all the work I've done on myself will pay off. It didn't make me feel any better because I know how far I've come but I'm still here alone waiting to work on the relationship. I'm continuing to read books but at this point other than trying new things the books I'm reading mostly verify that I've put the work in I needed to.

As I reached boiling point she called back (an hour later). I instantly came out of it. Put on my upbeat self and genuinely enjoyed the conversation. It was only 15 minutes but after what was really a long tedious day it was what I needed.

Finals are now over I can get some sleep and get the house cleaned up again. Going to try to use this feeling to carry over into the weekend where I'll try to have fun in Vegas. Next planned contact is Sunday where after talking it over with several people I'm going to try to see if she's ready for counseling together. She mentioned today that in 2 weeks she will regularly have half a day off again (it's so stupid I'm excited she gets 0.5 days off a week instead of 0). I'd like to get into counseling before the house is sold and I have to move, the separation of the animals and the general house stuff is something I'm not looking forward too.

[giftd]

Just got back from Vegas, had a good time overall. Did my best not to think about her and have fun. Got pretty messed up by some girls trying to flirt with me, not sure how to take that.

Getting home I can see that she didn't stay here. This was the whole point of asking her to check on the animals, she gets to spend time with them and they have someone. I could have called 3 other people to come over and check on them for an hour. Honestly I'm getting pretty fed up with some things. She is numbing herself by creating her life's schedule: Work 13-15 hours a day, come home and eat at the table alone, watch tv and go to bed by midnight. The limiting conversation time is also grating. She said she wants to be friends, I can work from that, reconnect in that way, it's not the end goal for me but I can understand it. Cutting off conversations and lying about why, saying we shouldn't talk more than once maybe twice a week?? I deserve more than that and anyone who does that to a friend isn't going to have that friend for very long.

I'm calling tonight as I had planned to ask about counseling in a couple weeks, I need to try this for me. When that goes no where I'm going to tell her that if she can't treat me with the same respect she gives her other friends I'm not going to bother talking for a while. No pictures of the animals like she asked for, no calls. This identity crisis is something I can't fix. Until she sees that working 70+ hours a week isn't a choice for her, it's a way to numb herself and please others, at this point it's an addiction and I can't help her until she wants to help herself. Stopping seeing your therapist after 2-3 sessions (both the couples and her own) and saying "it's ok, I'm fine" is not okay. Especially after she told me how hard a time she was having, that she had to talk to her boss about it because it was affecting her work.

Maybe I just need a nap after my long flight... Thoughts?

[giftd]

Talked to some people and calmed down a bit before calling her. She was having a bad day at work and said that she didn't end up staying. I asked why (mistake) and she said she didn't want to.

I mentioned counseling again (mistake) and she said she didn't want counseling together. Said she was beginning to feel crushed again, she can't be there for me how I "need her to be". I told her that I didn't need anything from her but honesty. I said that she wanted to be friends and the cutting off conversations isn't something friends do. She said it isn't productive for her on some days. (I didn't ask why). She said that maybe we just can't be friends right now, "that's something you have to work up to". I told her it was her request, I'll give her space. She asked for more conversations so I was giving her what she wanted.

I feel pretty defeated honestly. I get she's having a hard time at work, that's not my fault. I shouldn't have called, I opted into an unfair comparison. Have a few plans for GAL stuff to try out this week. Going to go dark, no more pet pictures, no more responding unless necessary. She needs to wallow in her lonely miserable life right now and I can't save her. She thinks that I'm the one who needs saving. I can show her I never needed saving, I needed a wife who was around.

Love her, hurts to see her hurting so much with no idea why.

[giftd]

This hurts so much. I can't stop crying right now. I know what I have to do but removing myself from the equation is so hard to do. I won't be a scapegoat anymore for her "crushed" feelings.

[Thornton]

It's super hard to let go. But it's also freeing. I'm afraid she's really going to need to miss your presence. Let her go for now.

[WshIKnw]

I agree with what you're doing, giftd. And it is very, very hard. Just give her time to figure things out and miss you. Remember that relationships are like see-saws. If one is doing all the wanting and pursuing and missing, the other won't be doing those things. Find happiness in other things for a while. Pursue the people that are your biggest fans and supporters, and keep posting here. We are listening. I don't always respond, but I am reading and thinking about what to say to you all the time. I'm like you, though -- trying to figure all of this stuff out. I suggest MWD's Last Resort Technique video series and the Divorce Busting coaches. I've found these very helpful, along with Divorce Remedy, of course. I think you are doing a good job with all of this. It might be up to her now to figure herself out and work on herself. You just keep on working on and worrying about yourself.