I wanted to add a suggestion to all that are in a in-house separation only because they don't have somewhere else to go. I was stuck in that situation, and I "thought" I didn't have any choices other than a hotel or parents house unless I signed a lease.
I've since used craigslist to sublet a lease (I moved out of state only a few months into renting a apartment), and it was a very easy process. I noticed that a lot of people on there were looking for someone to sublet their lease for only a month or two. This would be a very effective way of finding somewhere else for a short period of time, and I think would have helped me immensely. You can take some furniture from your current place or pick up some cheap from craigslist while you're on there. The goal of a short term lease wouldn't generally be to end it all and move on permanently, but a place for you to get some space to get your head right, then reassess the situation and what would be best for you and your R.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
You know, I've stayed away for awhile because it is difficult to bounce back from a cheating spouse while reading the stories of others, that brings back all of the emotions and memories of my sitch.
I came back to this site because, well quite frankly it's freezing cold out, I'm a southern boy who's always lived in FL and being in the feels like 20° out is to freeking cold to do anything outside, so I'm hiding in my heated house..,
But even now, 10 months after bd, after selling our home, me moving to another state, and being really happy with my life and the adventure in it, I still find reading the stories of heartbreak incredibly difficult. I'm replaying the memories of my sitch, and although I've put walls up that protect me from the pain that I once felt, I find myself feeling more connected to my WW than I want to be, minus the complete emotional hurt I once felt...
It's very interesting to me how this plays out. Will continuously subjecting myself to this toughen me up, or is coming back here slowly breaking down my walls, allowing my walls to disappear and allowing the pain to come back? I would give anything, including reliving the pain myself, to help one person save their M, but I often wonder if that's possible. I've been there, I know that when your going through this, your actions are sometimes uncontrollable, that the advice of strangers seems far-fetched, it seems like until I lived it, none of the advice made sense..
For now I will keep trying, but it doesn't make sense to me how the "vets" do it, they've been through this, do they not relive the pain as I feel myself doing?
I guess this started as a thank you to the vets who frequently hand out words of wisdom, it is one of my goals to one day do so myself, as I know how important it is, even if we don't always seem as though we are listening..
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I, for one, am happy to hear you may consider tuning in now and again. I believe everyone has valuable experience, whether the D was busted or not. I always thought your posts carried weight with newcomers on the board who did not know the first thing to do. And not just newcomers, but others as well, benefited.
In the beginning, to come here was therapy for me. I poured my heart into it. Quickly gained a reputation for long posts. Man, when I look back on those first few years........I don't when I ever slept.
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For now I will keep trying, but it doesn't make sense to me how the "vets" do it, they've been through this, do they not relive the pain as I feel myself doing?
Well of course, I come from the other side of the fence, so I can't answer for them. I suppose that's for each person to figure out for himself. Could you help guide another person by passing on information you have learned in a similar stitch, without describing details of your own MR? I really don't know what to tell you, Coconut. Some Vets never refer to their S, but focus on the poster. I don't think I could hang around daily, if it caused me more pain. Maybe it is still a bit soon?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's possible it's to soon Sandi, I'll decide that next week when it warms up... But either way, Tank You for all the help you provide(d) me/us all...
For now, I'll see where this leads, I'm secure in my life and the happiness it brings me (I just can't wait until it warms up to allow me to go fishing
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I guess its time for a bit of an update.. I find it difficult to update my sitch, since there just isn't much going on with it.
I don't speak with my STBX almost at all, I've only had one conversation with her in the last 4 months, and that was due to her texting me about getting a car for my step-son, she didn't ask for anything in the text but I was guessing she wanted me to contribute. I told her I'd contact her later to discuss (I was with my mother who I took out for b-day breakfast), I called her about 2 hrs later. Not much to the conversation, she told me about the car, and that her step-father, father, and my sons biological father were all chipping in to buy the car (it's only $3,300). I told her I thought the car was a great deal, that it looks like it's in great condition and being a Toyota shouldn't have an issue getting to 200k miles. I told her that I want him to get the car, and if I need to put money in for him to do that just let me know an amount, BUT, I would prefer to help him customize the car to make it his.. Tint, Rims, Stereo, paint, etc.. I'd much rather buy the parts and work on his car with him, than just put money in a pot. that was the end of the conversation.
Other than that conversation a few days ago, we have only text about taxes, and son, maybe 30 texts total in the last 5 months. I'm good with that, I have no desire to talk to her or hear from her at all...
As for me, I'm doing really well. I moved to NC from FL a little over 2 months ago and so far I feel that I was born to live in NC. I enjoy all the adventures I go on almost everyday, I was born and raised in the city, and nothing excites me more than to find a dirt road through woods and terrain, I love to fish and am always exploring to find that out of the way spot.
I went back to FL last weekend to see family and son, it was the first time I had been back, and although it was great seeing my family, I found I didn't miss the area at all.
When I moved out of FL, I was not Happy, I was working in the same office with my STBX, I was living in a small studio apartment (nice but small) and no longer felt like I had a "Home"; so when I left I wasn't really sad about leaving family or anything, I just wanted to GO. Now I feel like I have a Home in NC, I love where I live, I enjoy my new workplace, I have shed pretty much all the stress in my life and just get to do me, I can now say I AM HAPPY. So this time when I left FL to head home, I felt sad... I had enjoyed staying at moms house with brother, waking up having coffee and breakfast together, and the late night talks before bed. There is no doubt I'm not moving back to FL anytime soon, but I'd love nothing more than for my family to move up here
The mind movies, as someone on here used to refer to them... When I moved to NC, everything about my sitch disappeared, I didn't think about it, I just went about living my life. It was a nice break, not to have to think about anything to do with my STBX, my old life, nothing. That lasted about a month and a half, then the mind movies came back one night. I'm not sure why, or what triggered them, but I had not been feeling well, then one night the thoughts just kept running through my head, couldn't sleep that night, and called out of work in the morning since I was sooo tired and not feeling well to boot. I shed no tears (other than saying by to my son to come back home), I don't miss her and wouldn't want her back, I've managed to forgive her and lost the anger, so I really don't know why those thoughts run through my head every now and then.
That's it about me, I've rambled on enough about me...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
It's great to hear from you, Coconut. Your new life sounds wonderful.
As for why the mind movies come and go.......IDK. I wonder if it's like having a strange dream. We wake up and wonder why the heck we would have such a crazy dream.
Maybe nothing triggered your mind movie. You experienced trauma and your mind has those images. You have been able to leave the location where it took place. Unfortunately, our mind and bad memories don't always cooperate. Going back to visit your family and the business texts with STBX may have stirred those bad memories.
You know that old four letter word that is used the most on the board.........TIME. I don't know that time really heals everything, but maybe the trauma isn't in the front seat of our everyday life like it was when it was still fresh.
(( hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
C-nut, buddy ol pal, I am glad you still stop by and update :-) It sounds like you are doing well. I am happy to hear that. Please continue to keep us posted. You have come so, so far, and in a short amount of time. The journey continues with or without her, right?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blu, the journey started when I lost her... unfortunately during our M, I somehow lost my drive for adventure, I got caught up in a routine and lost the fun in my life... I hate to say it, but my R with her has left a bad taste in my mouth about starting a new R.
I've had 3 females I've met at various functions (at work, a bday party and back yard barbecue) express interest in me to mutual friends, but I have zero interest in finding a R right now... it's funny, still being M is actually coming in useful as an excuse to not wanting to date, but the truth is I'm not done finding myself.
I know the fast pace I'm going right now, as far as adventures and fun go, cant be kept up forever, but dang it's nice to just get up and go at the drop of a hat. For example, I got home Friday night around 10pm, decided that I wanted to go fishing at a lake in the morning at daybreak, but the lake was about an hour away, so instead of having to wake up really early I packed up and headed to the lake that night and just camped near the boat ramp... it's really hard to do things like that in a relationship, and I'm not ready to give up that freedom... or maybe I'm just holding out until I run into a woman who enjoys living the same way, lol..
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Man, when I look back on those first few years........I don't when I ever slept. 