It's me again

[kml]

The last one was very very jealous and controlling. He ended that one.

Possible red flag here. Not that there aren't crazy women who are very jealous and controlling. But there are also guys who MAKE women crazy jealous and "controlling" by flirting with other women, or not giving enough attention to their partner, or not making plans in advance, or being an avoidant, or just plain cheating.

I'd suggest, at this point, that you implement some basic dating rules. Start making plans for yourself. If he wants to see you, he'll have to ask a few days in advance because you will be all booked up. DON'T be available to just hang out any time he feels like a last-minute booty call. Make it clear in a non-verbal way that he will have to step up to the plate a bit if he wants to see you, because you are busy and in-demand. And stop having him over when your daughter is there, or at least minimize that as best you can for the time being until you are more sure about this relationship.

Someone who comes on strong in the beginning then rapidly cools down once they've "got" you is a red flag too. My ex was like this. In the beginning of our relationship he was all over me, it was very intense, we spent all our spare time together, he took me home to meet his parents at Christmas just 3 mos after we met etc. But within a few more months he was starting to back off, I think if he hadn't had to move in with me (my roommate moved out and his roommate booted him out at the same moment) that he would have eased out of the relationship then. I would have been better off (except for my three beautiful kids) if I'd let him do what he was going to do and gone on my way then.

I'm not saying that's your situation, but DO NOT do the work to make things happen. HE should be pursuing you, and if he's not still doing that at this early date, then he's not the one for you.

So just set up a very busy social calendar for yourself and conduct an experiment to see what he does, ok?

[job]

I like the advice that kml has given you. I would try to implement some basic dating rules that she suggested. He definitely should be pursuing you and I totally agree that if he's not doing it...then you have two choices: 1) keep the friendship going, but w/no expectations except friendship; or 2) cut him loose.

You are the prize and if this guy can't see what is before him, then shame on him. You are worth far more than what this guy is giving you in the way of time, attention, etc.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Ginger,

Gosh, you've received great advice. I did want to say that it's only been a few months and it should be fun, getting to know you stuff. I don't know. The whole he's not the way he was doesn't resonate with me. Why? You just haven't been dating him long enough in my opinion for his behavior to fluctuate so much. Again, maybe I just haven't experienced that.

Hang in there. I think slowing down is good. :-)

[kml]

Lol - I just realized , reading over what I wrote, that I missed another red flag about my ex. WHY did his roommate kick him out?

I don't remember the excuse he gave at the time, but it didn't really make sense. His roommate/landlady was a woman, a bit older ( maybe 30-35 to his 22). He was a studious and super- tidy first year medical student who spent most of his time studying, so what would have motivated her to boot him out before the year was up?

Gosh - now I'm wondering. Did he make a pass at her? Did she get mad because she saw him cheating on me? Was he just a jerk to her? Hmmmmmmmm......

[Ginger1]

WOW,this is all such great advice and it is coming at a great time. I need it plus the support. We had a fight last night, I snapped, and we didn't say anything to eachother this morning.

I was waiting to see if he was coming over. I asked straight out. I'll spare the details. But he got cold and shady with me again and I called him out on it and he pretended like he wasn't being. I finally said "whatever, goodnight" at 5pm. he said "night" and I didn't hear from him at all. I swore to myself I wouldn't reach out but I did this morning because he works the FH and I hate to be arguing when he is on his dangerous job. I pretty much said that and like I always do, I told him to have a good day and be safe. He said "thank you and you have a good day with your friends" He is not so happy about me going out with them which is another long story. But I don't give a crap. Like the temp testing jerk I am I said "miss you" and he said "miss you too" which was early this morning. Haven't hear boo since and he always keeps in contact.

So I am taking all my willpower to not chase. We witched to me being the pursuer, and I always am. If I have learned anything from my marriage and R's is that I need to stop. I can't make someone like me or want to be with me. I'm too old and tired for these games. So, if he cares, he could come after me. I'm not doing it this time. I need to stay strong. I want to reach out, temp check, see where we are, but I expressed my concerns to him, he hasn't addressed them and he's cold. He could either break up with me or he could show me he wants to keep dating me and getting to know me.

KML, I will not be readily available. He always kind of assumed we would spend time together unless we made actual plans with someone else, but now he is keeping me on the backburner. Nah, won't do that. I have cut back time together with my D to once a week.

Today will tell a lot. I am going to sit on my hands and not text. I'm sure before I go out I'll want to, but if he wants to talk to me, the phone goes both ways.

I'm DBing 3 months in which isn't good. I was never good at DBing when I was married.

I keep reminding myself of my worth and another failed relationship isn't a reflection on me. I'll be fine again alone if that's what it will come to. I miss the guy I met. The attentive sweetie. The one who gave a crap. I miss him. But if it's him, then maybe I missing a lie yet again.

[25yearsmlc]

WOW,this is all such great advice and it is coming at a great time. I need it plus the support. We had a fight last night, I snapped, and we didn't say anything to eachother this morning.


I was waiting to see if he was coming over. I asked straight out. I'll spare the details. But he got cold and shady with me again and I called him out on it and he pretended like he wasn't being. I finally said "whatever, goodnight" at 5pm. he said "night" and I didn't hear from him at all.

I swore to myself I wouldn't reach out but I did

I'm sorry but I don't get this^^ at all. I don't know if there are red flags in him or his behavior. But I believe this R is going way too fast.

Curious question to all of us, Have any r's really stopped b/c they were "taken too slowly"? My guess is - no. I don't think so.


- Like the temp testing jerk I am I said "miss you" and he said "miss you too" which was early this morning. Haven't hear boo since and he always keeps in contact.


lots of expectations ^^here, just 3 months in...


So I am taking all my willpower to not chase. We witched to me being the pursuer, and I always am. If I have learned anything from my marriage and R's is that I need to stop.


how can you work more on ^^this? It seems very sabotaging. So I'm sincerely asking.


I can't make someone like me or want to be with me. I'm too old and tired for these games. So, if he cares, he could come after me. I'm not doing it this time. I need to stay strong. I want to reach out, temp check, see where we are, but I expressed my concerns to him, he hasn't addressed them and he's cold. He could either break up with me or he could show me he wants to keep dating me and getting to know me.

is all of this on him, and are you powerless? It's a lot of responsibility to put on him.


KML, I will not be readily available. He always kind of assumed we would spend time together unless we made actual plans with someone else,

If true, why would this happen? Why would he assume this? Are you sure you are not mind reading?

-
Today will tell a lot.

How so? What will 'today" tell you?


I'm DBing 3 months in which isn't good. I was never good at DBing when I was married.


ugh

I keep reminding myself of my worth and another failed relationship isn't a reflection on me.

WHOAH....what "failed relationship"?? You mean if a r does not turn into a 60 year happy marriage, it was a failure?

Christ, what happened to dating? What about having fun together, learning to be intimate again, learning to love again and trust - and then realizing you are not meant to be together, forever? Is that "failure"?

Remember in the movie Under the Tuscan Sun, when she feels so sad about the end of her fling with Marcello? And he is so calm, kind and at peace (and great looking) and honest with her about how these things have to come naturally but that he really enjoyed their time together. AND she got a great boost from the Marcello R, which lead her to being ready for the right guy at the right time, later on.

Geez, I'm not sure I want to believe that every r not leading to permanent joy, means my entire 35 year marriage was one long slog thru epic failing...

G- you are putting big expectations on every r, every piece of the r, and on yourself.

Relax, slow down, enjoy what's around you.


I'll be fine again alone if that's what it will come to. I miss the guy I met. The attentive sweetie. The one who gave a crap. I miss him. But if it's him, then maybe I missing a lie yet again.

Oh Ginger...

It's a 3 month relationship that went fast. Probably too fast, as it seems. It felt great! It may again. I do not mean to minimize the way our old baggage gets triggered.

Maybe you can lower your expectations and hopes, and lower all the pressure on what THIS day brings...

and be glad you met this FF guy, and had fun & some closeness, and maybe just take it easy.

[DonH]

I can't help but put in an aside to something you said. And I make this comment because I was a firefighter for nearly 25 years. I ran into burning buildings when everyone else was running out. I did CPR on babies and a few children. It was an awesome and rewarding part of my life that I'm actually still involved in - just not in the field anymore. It's great you care about FF and I don't want that to change. I just want to shine a truth spotlight here to say his job (and mine for 25 years) was no more dangerous than most others. It's just not. The FF's, especially the unions, try to play this all up and the public buys it hook line and sinker. Even the death rates are totally trumped up. Did you know if a FF dies in his bed while sleeping it's an on duty death? It's true. Hell if he goes home and dies within so many hours it's the same. Most "on duty deaths" have zero to do with the actual activity and more just the fact it was somehow related. If a salesman dies in a car accident going to a sales call, well it's sad but he just dies. If even returning from a fire (no lights or siren in use) it's still a death in the line of duty for a FF. Certainly FFs do get injured and a few die in a fire but it's far a few between. All this is a good thing - a really good thing. So don't worry too much as his job is likely no more dangerous than a nurse who encounters vilolent patients on a weekly basis. It's just not. Again, I did it so I have true first hand expierence - along with statistical and political expierence to just know it's not all too dangerous at all - at least not many would assume it is.

As for the rest, I once again feel your pain here. I put myself in your shoes and I know full well that even if I knew what I were doing is not good or healthy, I likely would not be able to stop or change. It seems everyone keeps saying this has all gone too fast and you are pushing too hard. You seem to know it as well, but changing is the hard part. Still if there is anyway you really can change your actions, that will help greatly. For me DBing is not only for Rs, it's for life. It applies all over the place. I don't think it's bad if you have to apply DBing only three months in. See i think you should do them 24/7. It's truly health behavior for life. You have to back off and let things happen as they will. Convincing yourself that you are worthy and an awesome person is likely first on the list. And you are. Confidence is sexy as hell and will draw FF and others to you while pursuit and white knuckling this R will push him away. It really will. You already know what he does with clingy - right? Don't be that person. Just be YOU! If it's going to work, you can't be anyone else but who you are. You can't make up for his shortcomings. It won't work.

Thing is, I so get it. It's easy as [censored] for me to say these things but I'd struggle doing them - or at least I may. As I think back, the women who pursued me the most or hardest are the ones that I did not chase after - including my exW. That's not a Coincidence. The harder you try, the farther he will pull back. Don't let that happen. You can do it! I know it seems silly and just wrong that the. More you really want it, the less you have to go after it, but it's just true.

When this first started - again ONLY a few months ago - you said that the two of you just worked. Is that still true? Was it ever or was that what you wanted to see? It almost seems like you see what you want things to be even if they really are not. You overlook, forgive and excuse. This is too new for him to have "changed" already. If anything, he's show you who he is - and you are doing the same.

Finally, I bring this up just to perhaps rule it out. I actually don't think FF is love avoidant. Still, one of the big signs is he will at first appear to be a great, caring, open guy in search of love. But that stops after a short time. Again, not saying he is, but the profile does fit. I'd at least consider it to rule it out.

That's all I got. Lol.

[JujuB]

Hi ginger

Just remember that you made it past a husband who cheated on you while pregnant and left you when your daughter was very young. You did not just overcome it, you thrived by being an incredible mom and provider. You overcame a very sad relationship with your own mother as well. I cannot imagine the internal strength one must have to endure what you did. You are a testament as an amazingly strong woman.

Like others have pointed out, This guy is just some one that you have known for a very short period of time. Whatever happens between the two of you, know that you will continue to thrive and this will not hurt as much as what you have already been through. There is no reason to force this. You have not truly invested much anyway.

His actions are not about you. They are about him. I think that these are events that are actually good to go through early, because you can figure out whether HE is someone that you would want to be committed to. That takes time. It takes a while to figure out what a person is really like. Maybe detach, and stand back a bit and really observe who he is. As opposed to how he was making you feel in the beginning. Sometimes we like how a person makes us feel, but that doesnt always say much about who they really are. Thats what the first year of a relationship is usually about.

Question: Why is he not happy that you are going out with your friends?

[Ginger1]

Well my friends......

It is over. He broke up with me yesterday over text while I was out and he was working.

In a nutshell he has realized that he wants all those good things. A house and kids. ANd he said by the time is he is ready for kids, I won't be anymore. And he said, and I quote " it won't be us building together, it would be the 3 of us" as in D9 as in he doesn't want that.

That knocked the wind out of me.

Of course a bunch of other things were said about strong his feelings are for me and yada yada. And that he wants to be my friend. I do not want to be his friend. he doesn't get to chose bits and pieces of me he wants.

The crappy thing about a break up convo over text is you have everything to read and read and analyze. I got pretty drunk last night and this morning I read the texts with my friend who stayed over. We deducted that he wants to be number one. He knows that D9 is my number one. He always felt like couples are number one to eachother. And this guy walks into a woman's life who is established with a house, a kid, a job, a social life...... all the things we obtain from growing up and making a life from ourselves. Especially us divorced single parents. I think that's why he would get upset when I had plans with friends. He felt like we weren't building together. and no, I didn't let him into every aspect of life first.

I am in an intense about of pain. I am just so sad. It is hurting really badly. I saw a future with him. The guy I met, the one who seemed to really enjoy being with me and my child. Who I welcomed with open arms into a dear part of my life. Today was the first morning I woke up in 3 months without his good morning text. Something that lit up my day.

He liked something on FB this morning that was a video of a guy explaining how it's not the time a guy buys a girl flowers on valentines day that makes them fall in love. It's how when he listens to her bad day and she says nothing about her amazing one and is there to listen. How when he gets up to get himself a drink and brings back one for her, that what makes her fall in love with him. Consistency. And he knows and admitted, that's the kid of woman I am to him. With all of his stress I was there, listening. When he wsa dealing with his sisters divorce on night and he was so enraged, I had him come over and I listened to him vent. I rubbed his shoulders. When he needed workers, I gave him the ideas on how to find one. When he was cleaning out his work trailer, I came over and helped him. When he was having issues with guys at the firehouse, I sat and listened. I knew exactly where he liked his back scratched and without asking, I scratched it.

I was there like a partner was. But that is not enough. ANd I can't make myself or my situation be enough. In one breath, I feel like I will just never be enough for someone. But for the right guy I will be. And they will love the package deal they will get with me and D9.

What kills me and baffles me is that he has been in this situation before and I don't know why he would see it differently this time. Why did he do this again?

I have to tell D9 tomorrow. First thing when I pick her up she will ask if he is coming over. So my friend is helping me switch up the routine and she is going to pick her up and she will be there to help me tell her.

It's better it's over now. But yes, we did move fast, feelings moved fast and I can't change it. Even though it's only been 3 months, I saw this guy as someone I might marry if he was who he presented himself to be. I saw myself having kids with the guy I first met.

He held me the other night and was just kissing my head and rubbing my back (TMI, sorry) and he knew what he was going to do.

Thanks for being there for me. All the advice and feedback has been helpful.

We go through the worst, getting cheated on and divorced. You think nothing will ever hurt as bad and your heart becomes stronger. Mine becomes a little weaker with each breakup. I don't think I have more of this left in me.

[Ginger1]

....... and one thing is for certain. Trust my gut always! I knew I felt what I felt. I knew something was wrong. I doubted myself thinking maybe I was being paranoid. But I wasn't. My gut told me something was wrong. I guess just deep down inside I had hoped I was just imagining things or it was something much tinier we could work through.

But my gut was 100% right.