I don't really have any advice. But I can totally relate to what you must be experiencing
Many of our relationships and breakups were filled with trauma. Being left and blamed and gaslighted, (like most of us were) is bound to affect our self esteem and confidence in trusting what we are feeling. We dont want to be the people are ex's made us out to be. We also don't want to be doormats and we certainly do not want to choose a partner that will betray or lie to us like our ex's. It seems like there is a lot at stake.
But here's the thing. You have everything going for you right now. With or without him you will survive and thrive. Just take it day by day and get to know him and let him get to know you. And remember that you have tons to offer to a partner that is smart enough to appreciate it. No need to worry about Where he's at, because you know who you are and any guy would be really lucky to have you as a partner.
JuJU, thank you, especially for the compliments. My self-esteem is taking a little hit lately. I don't know what's happened to me. Am I super picky? Am I wanting things in an R that aren't actually possible? If this doesn't work, I am going to take a bit of a fall for a while, but I always get back up somehow.
We had a fight yesterday. I won't get into the details but he accused me of inviting him out with my friends only when I know he can't come. Which is not true, but I told him I understood that was his perception. Which kind of went into I want him to be a part of my life but lately he's been so distant, I just don't even know where we stand sometimes. He was a little taken a back and said he was going to take that all in.
We were find for the rest of the day, he was working, he was super busy but we texted and he called before bed. he said he was sick all day because of the amount of stress he is in.
Truth is, he is far less affectionate. he no longer kisses me hello. he still kisses me, holds hands, but a lot of the sweetness he had is gone. he used to tell me he misses me multiple times a day. He will always respond to mine, but rarely initates anything like that on his own. he does cuddle with me, he isn't that distant, just different. I am the one he vents to about work, his sisters situation, I am always there and probably overly supportive. But right now I am not getting much in return and it makes me feel not so good.
The big change came when the work season really started. It does coorelate to his stress (which he doesn't handle all that well) But it is still affecting me. I don't know that he cares. Or maybe he just doesn't have the energy too right now or the capcity to give me much.
Which I can handle if I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel and he provided me reassurance that he cares or even lets me know he appreciates my support.
That was a big vent. Things were going so well until this whole work thing started. There was a big change. I can only hope there is an end.
He's coming over and staying over tonight. I hope he checks some of his stress at the door and maybe tries to have a good time with me.
And sometimes I wish I could just be one of those B!tches and not care. Just be like "take care of your own stuff, call me when you do" but I don't like when the ones I care about are so stressed and I want to make it better. be nice if someone felt the same way about me.
And sometimes I wish I could just be one of those B!tches and not care. Just be like "take care of your own stuff, call me when you do" If said warmly & sincerely, I don't see how this^^ is b1tchy. Honestly, I don't. Am I missing something?
but I don't like when the ones I care about are so stressed and[b] I want to make it better. [/b] is it yours to make better? be nice if someone felt the same way about me.
Ginger, what does it mean to have someone feel the same about you? That you want them to want to fix things in your life, or just really love you, or what? I'm not quite sure what the last line means.
Anyhow, I think you are discovering some things in him, in Rs, AND in yourself.
IMO, You don't know him that well, after all. Sorry but It's only been a few months, right? - In my world, that is not even a blink in time. I'd probably have nearly zero expectations my first year of dating, and I'm no spring chicken. I just don't see how I can "know" someone without that kind of time. To see how they handle stress and seasons and holidays and family and work and awkward social situations, etc. Only time reveals these things.
Okay so I think what you are seeing in him, is that his business stresses him.
I hope it brings him some joy in the present, too...
You believe that when he seems stressed, that it is 1) business related,
and 2) it reduces his output to you and the R.
Whatever the stress emanates from, he won't be able to put the same energy into the R as he does when there are no other real life distractions. This seems normal...
When I studied for the bar exam, I was not as affectionate or attentive to my m. But if I pointedly began a business that forced me to keep taking the bar exam, I'd have been a lousy wife and mom.
This business and stress relationship is his stuff and his sandbox, but it relates to how he'd participate in the R. So, Is his side business an ebb & flow thing, cyclical and predictable, or ongoing & unrelenting? How will you handle things if it's the latter?
And What are you learning about yourself? What are your needs in a long term r?
Are there many needs, just a few basics? How can you lovingly & specifically express them so you can feel relationally safe?
You mentioned abandonment issues. How does that affect your behavior with FF? Can you see that in some cases we bring about the very thing we most fear?
Are you working on this with the IC? I'm curious, are you GAL without FF?
Hang in there Ginger, we are all on a learning curve. Sometimes a steep one.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
And sometimes I wish I could just be one of those B!tches and not care. Just be like "take care of your own stuff, call me when you do" If said warmly & sincerely, I don't see how this^^ is b1tchy. Honestly, I don't. Am I missing something? I guess I see a partner as someone to lean on and get support from. I want to support. But it's hard to do when it's all taking and none giving. That being said, he was very supportive when I ws going through a rough time at my work.
but I don't like when the ones I care about are so stressed and[b] I want to make it better. [/b] is it yours to make better? be nice if someone felt the same way about me.
It's not mine to make better but it's definitely an ingrained habit by me. I have always wanted to "save" people and try to ease their pain. Part growing up with my mother the way she was, part just a part of me, part, my profession
Ginger, what does it mean to have someone feel the same about you? That you want them to want to fix things in your life, or just really love you, or what? I'm not quite sure what the last line means.
I would like to receive a portion of what I give. I want to not be disposable and yes, I just really want to be loved.
Anyhow, I think you are discovering some things in him, in Rs, AND in yourself.
IMO, You don't know him that well, after all. Sorry but It's only been a few months, right? - In my world, that is not even a blink in time. I'd probably have nearly zero expectations my first year of dating, and I'm no spring chicken. I just don't see how I can "know" someone without that kind of time. To see how they handle stress and seasons and holidays and family and work and awkward social situations, etc. Only time reveals these things.
Yup, we are definitely learning eachother. I am older an dhave always lived with a high level of stress. I manage mine differently than his. I've learned over the years how to not let it affect me or others so much
Okay so I think what you are seeing in him, is that his business stresses him.
I hope it brings him some joy in the present, too...
You believe that when he seems stressed, that it is 1) business related,
and 2) it reduces his output to you and the R.
Whatever the stress emanates from, he won't be able to put the same energy into the R as he does when there are no other real life distractions. This seems normal...
When I studied for the bar exam, I was not as affectionate or attentive to my m. But if I pointedly began a business that forced me to keep taking the bar exam, I'd have been a lousy wife and mom.
This business and stress relationship is his stuff and his sandbox, but it relates to how he'd participate in the R. So, Is his side business an ebb & flow thing, cyclical and predictable, or ongoing & unrelenting? How will you handle things if it's the latter?
His business is seasonal. We met before the season when he was only at the firehouse every 4th day. No kids, lives with parents, his time off wasn't as busy and he was attentive and much happier. Then he couldn't find workers and he was panicking. He wants to sell. he doesn't want the stress anymore. he wants to work outside of the FH, but not have a stress of the business. So, I guess time will tell.
And What are you learning about yourself? What are your needs in a long term r?
I think I need some consistency, stability and reassurance. And to not be taken for granted. I am learning my insecurities from the cheating and the D have left scars.
Are there many needs, just a few basics? How can you lovingly & specifically express them so you can feel relationally safe?
Very few basics. At least I thought they were basic.
You mentioned abandonment issues. How does that affect your behavior with FF? Can you see that in some cases we bring about the very thing we most fear? I feel as if I am not the perfect girlfriend he will just walk out.
Are you working on this with the IC? I'm curious, are you GAL without FF?
Oh yeah, I work hard core on this in IC. She's been a great help.
Hang in there Ginger, we are all on a learning curve. Sometimes a steep one.
Just remember G, you are not in a committed relationship. You have every right to say this isn't working for you. I'm not saying move on but I am saying don't let that little voice that's screaming "you failed again" keep you from doing what is best for you (and ultimately for him too). The first few months are to learn about each other and get a feel for whether this can go long term or not. Don't shutter the windows and feel you have to wait this thing out...you don't. Your obligation here is to do what's best for G!
Ginger - I know that you're concerned about being overly-critical - and you do have abandonment issues, so I get that.
On the other hand - this is early days, and dating is supposed to be the time when you find out exactly who a person is. Perhaps you are finding out he doesn't handle stress well, cannot maintain romance or speaking your love languages beyond the initial excitement phase, or simply isn't all you thought he was. Don't ignore red flags as they come up. And - what do you know about what happened in his past relationships? Try to see if he's repeating a pattern?
I think I might be the one who has cooties. Maybe I really have become difficult to love and please? I wonder.
I know why his past R's ended. one was his childhood best friend turned GF who cheated on him. The last one was very very jealous and controlling. He ended that one.
He did speak my love languages in the beginning. To a T. I think he does have a hard time maintaining the romance. Maybe my need for it is too strong? He does continue to date me, we do fun and different things together. He wants to hang out with me and my friends. It's good stuff.
He came and stayed over last night and we actually had a good night. We ordered in and just talked all night. We didn't address anything I said. I didn't feel like dealing with it. Today, eh. Things are ok. I think it's me and I think it's just not the very beginning anymore. I've got to decide how I feel about it.
I did ask if I was going to see him tonight and he said may for a little while he could. Then he said he was thinking about asking his cousin to go for a drink. I said "great, have fun"
I'm going to stop trying so hard and let it be what it will be. Tomorrow I'm going out with friends. Looking forward to it.
I don't know that I can offer you any earth-shattering advice, but I think in some ways, you and I approach relationships in a very similar fashion. I totally understand that you are supporting and being there and you just want to feel as if that is returned and you don't feel it. Like virtually everyone before me has said, this relationship is still new. You have not known each other that long, comparatively speaking and you are learning the subtle nuances that make FF who he is and vice versa. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees, so to speak and I think you and I both have a tendency to do that in relationships. I think it is great that you communicate with each other and hope you can continue to do so and I hope that you ultimately find a way to put your mind at ease and just relax and enjoy.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
