I appreciate your forwardness, and you're right in so many ways. We really don't spend much time together as she hides away in her room much of the time. Perhaps Im over thinking things as well.She was told me to grow a pair and then when she would distance after an argument i should have grabbed her and made love to her. It certainly helps to hear harsh realities. We eat dinner together during the week, see each other when we have a smoke. beyond that contact is not much greater.
I am an introvert breaking out of it slowly - joined a band, recognizing its time to get back in shape, energy has been increasing steadily. I also realize that distancing had its purpose in settling anger and disrespect, but it isn't enough and won't re-ignite a spark of attraction... but it had to happen
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
What I will say I've done thats worked = stopped arguing almost immediately after BD, I don't beg, plead or pursue, Im always happy and talk in a friendly tone, i don't initiate relationship talks. What I am in need of doing is reigniting the spark, I have started working out and joined a band (which i used to do when we first met), Ive committed to advancing my career. She pushed away if i did anything remotely complimentary or affectionate - so i stopped, but wonder whether i should have just changed my approach to be less obvious
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
SJS, you can do this, man! You said distancing had its purpose and now it's time for something else? What do you want to try? She doesn't want your overt compliments but there are other things you can do. Just get creative. She says she wants your attention. I don't know you and your situation so can't tell you what to do. I can only ask you questions and share my experiences with you. Paying attention: do you notice the little things about your w? The little things she likes? The chores she hates to do? How she smells? You have a limited amount of time together so enjoy it to the fullest when you are together. What softens her heart? Do more of that. What hardens it? Stop doing those things. Read DB and the book how to improve your relationship without talking about it. Does having a drink put her at ease? Make cocktails or whatever she likes to drink. Does she hate doing the laundry? Do all the laundry without asking. Does she look smoking hot to you? Stare at her like you want her. Experiment and monitor results.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Great advice. I certainly will post things as i move forward. I should point out that Im not living only for the hope of us reconciling as I know the probability is low, yet i want to certainly do all i can while developing, as i have, for me, regardless what happens
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
through the change in life events (death in family, empty nest, 1) Sjs, do you have another thread?
2) the life events you describe, will likely happen to all of us, if the death was of a parent.
My comment (see my signature block below) is that whether it is an MLC or a WAW does not change your course of action.
In retrospect, I've come to believe there is not a significantly higher chance of an MLC's returning to the m, even though mine did for a decade. I spent way too much time trying to get into h's head and figure out WHY he was doing what he was doing.
AND I spent way too much time on whether it was an MLC or the culmination of a pattern in his behavior.
I now think it was the latter, but I hesitate to project my situation onto yours. But yes, a decade ago he did behave in new ways. Stopped being responsible for bills, left for "a job up the road (300 miles) and then to Alaska to "check out a job", etc. Never admitted he was leaving me and our d's at home, or that he was selfish, or dishonest, etc.
He'd say he was not telling me things b/c I would "over react" or "he didn't want to hurt me", (so he was actually noble for lying).
Frankly, I wish I could get that time back.
she doesn't want the responsibility to arrange family gathering - which we did through the weekend, she has parted ways with her closest friends - two of which went through divorce, she wants freedom, change in appearance - weight loss, more revealing clothing, hasn't actually left, desire to quit her job, general detachment from family, discontent with aging, has new party friends, bouts of depression, some signs of behaviour change, has stated she thought to herself that she may have MLC but dismisses it, said she doesn't care what family or friends think...). While unconfirmed an affair is probable as she stays out on weekends
Ouch...
It helped me to know that in a certain amount of time, I'd leave/file. Limbo would not continue eternally. My "end limbo" date was the high school graduation of my older d.
But h seemed to awaken in time and so we reconciled. Before we could really set boundaries and piece in a smart way (that's on me, btw)
h's mother got terminally ill and the piecing process was derailed.
So If you do reconcile, know that piecing is not an easy road, and must be as clearly structured and adhered to as possible. You may want to read BLuwave's thread for help.
Hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I most definitely am committed. I'm looking for words of wisdom and experience, such as yours that may help me persevere in the right ways. I am evolving leaps and bounds and recognize it takes considerable time if change might occur in my wives view of me, but i know i needed to change for me first and need to know that i did all i could to see if just maybe we can start a NEW relationship
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
the life events, which may have amplified matters, my mothers death, loss of my job after 20 years, 2 of her friends went through divorce and she was there support - and they left her, kids move out, and most recently my dad dies after BD. I;m not hung up on them, nor do i believe they caused anything, as I don't try and rationalize what i should have done, rather i focus on what I can do now
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
Ok that was poorly worded, as i do reflect on where i went wrong as it helped me understand where i harmed the relationship and used that knowledge to grow myself, but i don't dwell on coulda/shoulda/woulda, rather i think of what can i do now to move forward with or without her, although i'd prefer a new relationship together built on who we are today and going forward
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
