You say you want to be happy. Why does that require another person?you say you won't be ready for a few months; so why are you starting now?
Look. I've been right where you are. When my ex separated from me, I spiraled down for about 3 months. at some point, I hit bottom and had nowhere to go from there but up. But trust me, THAT wasn't the time to start dating. Anyone I met at that time would be causing my happiness not adding to it. So I ramped up my GAL even further. I joined a game group. One of my friends invited me to his pathfinder group. A friend from game night invited me into a fantasy football league. I started doing things with some of the guys on weekends. I reconnected with some friends from college. I reinvented my life so that I WOULD be ready when the right person came into my life.
I started dating about 7 months after BD, 6 months after separation and a month before the D was final. If I could do it again, I'd have waited longer. I feel lucky that the person I'm with was an incredible fit for me. I'm pretty sure I'd have been happy making the wrong person "fit" right when I started. I just wanted to be wanted. I was nowhere near ready, but I found a gray person who was still around once I was ready.
Again, just my 2 cents. Really look at yourself and your goals to understand what you want out of this.
Sorry you're having a roller coaster time right now. You have to do what makes sense for you.
I think Kaizen has some great real life experience shared and being in this position I could not imagine trying to date right now. This is not some moral comment but just mental/emotional.
Healing is a big part of moving away from what you've been through. Dating can most definitely bump the ego and we all know how low we realize we were when our respective BD's hit now with hindsight.
I wish you the best in doing what you need to find peace.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
You keep telling me things that make me question my assumptions and conclusions. Not sure if I want to go in that direction or not, but I'm thinking. Just want to say "thank you" for the good advice you keep giving me. And Thornton and Tryin are giving me support that I'm frankly not getting anywhere else.
Friends and family just want you to stop hurting, and their advice is given with that in mind. You guys don't know me, but y'all are speaking to me from where I am, and care enough to do that.
We're all in different situations, but it feels like we're all in the trench together. My glass half-empty self says "misery loves company", but half-full self says "where's the keg".
All the best.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
East ,you are not nearly ready to date. Not even close. You just want something to numb the pain. This is not the way to go.
Remember, broken attracts broken, and you do not need new broken people in your life right now.
As for happiness, you really cannot expect someone else to make you happy. That is the recipe for disaster. No one else can make you happy, only you can make you happy. You have a lot of $hit to go through. A lot. The good news is that now you have time. Use it wisely. Use it to grow. Use it to grow into the best EAST you can.
So, despite everything I've been through so far this year, it appears that fate is kind to me and is looking out for me. The girl I was supposed to go out with originally backed out for whatever reason (still unclear to me).
The friend that set the date up found me another possibility (before I had a chance to think about the advice here). I've started talking to her. She has moral issues about dating someone who is still technically married.
I find myself in a comfortable situation. I have a pretty firm "don't talk to two girls at the same time" rule, so I don't feel the need to keep looking. Divorce is still months out, so I have time to work on me, and to heal, and not worry about rebounding or whatever. I have my proof that I can still attract someone so my ego is satisfied.
I'm genuinely content if she ends up as JUST a friend going forward. I don't feel the need to rush anything.
So... I guess this is where things get "fun." W texted me today saying that she wants D all summer in exchange for my one weekend a month. I told her there is no chance that I'm going to allow D's future be based on the premise that W will NEVER actually go back to work.
We may be going to mediation on this. I don't know. At this point she's begging. I want to give in. I don't like her being this sad. But I don't believe it's in D's best interests, so how can I? That's not a role model for her. That's not a summer for her to have. W says she misses D terribly and I believe it. I've tried to make as many allowances as I can, but W is rejecting them (apparently, being able to take her from summer program every day isn't enough).
W says I'm punishing her. I'm not. I want what's best for D. I don't want or need to punish W. ESPECIALLY not through D!
She will say anything and everything to get her way. DO NOT believe her.
You have to make decisions that are right for you and your D, don't let her screw you over. You do not have to be a dick about it (and I am not saying that you are, because you are not), but stand your ground and get advice from L. DO NOT give into her extortion...
If I thought it was best for D, whether or not it was the right decision for me wouldn't matter very much. I didn't win D in the biological lottery--I CHOSE to be her father. Swore to love, guide, and protect her. I'll always do that, no matter what it costs me personally.
