Hi Huddy, glad to hear you and NDY still meet up and you're making some nice plans for yourself. I understand about the dreams. I had those too at one point. I think it is just your brain working through it all and processing what has happened - healing hopefully
As for the hope aspect. It is good to catch yourself when you start wondering should I put X on hold or Y on hold in case...
Then we get on the track of analysing recent interactions and wondering what they are doing, how long before they might turn etc..
For me, I decided there were two things I wouldn't do because I chose to leave the door open a crack. I wouldn't file for divorce and I wouldn't date (until at least a year after D).
I have stuck to those two things and of course I am D'd and have been for almost a year
However, the important message is, if you choose to do those two things, do them. And in every other sense, move on and live your life as fully and joyfully as you are able.
I decided not to even worry or wonder - what if he changed his mind, turned etc. Because it wasn't happening at that point in time, so it didn't matter. If he did turn or change his mind, I would worry about that at that point only. Otherwise, worrying and focusing on something that may or may not happen detracted from living my own life as best I could.
Hope this helps anyway Huddy and enjoy your weekend!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It is unusual that my W tells me more that I should know about her life. The property she is currently in was her second 'homeless' one after BD. The council has now told her that no other properties are available (she wanted a 4 bed and is in a 2) and W has now signed a tenancy agreement. This means she now has to pay full rent and council tax for that property. W told me all about this and that our furniture is coming out of storage this week.
I just said OK and nothing more. I haven't commented on her various operations either. This is, I think, the right way to play it, not judging or showing any sign that this is highly abnormal, but, as always, I do have that nag at the back of my mind that I should be doing something different. Of course, I then realise that doing anything would be pointless and I just carry on!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I guess what I'm saying Huddy is - it isn't about 'playing it right' and wondering 'should I be doing anything different.'
It's about just being you and living your life the way you want to live it. Having the kind of coparenting R you want to have with your ex and parenting the way you want to parent...
What she thinks or doesn't think about any of that is up to her and I would hate to see you watching and wondering how she may feel about things for years to come. It is freeing to release that and...just live...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Well, two years on, I have to say there are differences for me. First year I was sad. This year I was angry.
I'm glad you're engaging in GAL activities and hanging with NDY. My friends have saved me through this process.
Sotto has given you pretty great advice. What are you going to do with your fabulous life, Huddy? It's yours to live regardless of who may or may not choose to share it. You deserve to live it with gusto and joy. xoxoxoxo think about what YOU want. The rest will fall into place. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yes, I was saying I sometimes think about W when booking things. I then go and book it anyway, but it still seems like second nature
Bttrfly - yes, I noticed your BD date before. I do read a bit on here, but don't offer much in the way of advice (don't think I have a lot to offer). Yes, first year very sad. Second is rebuilding mode. Still think about W daily. You don't exist with somebody for all those years and then wipe them out overnight - unless you're in MLC
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Today is my 'weekday' to have the kids. W texts me to say she's had a busy day, so won't be bringing the children over, as she feels it's unsettling to their day! What a cheek, typical MLC'er.
I got in to a text argument. I think my American friends call this 'Gaslighting'. I told her it was unacceptable. W then went on to tell me I should buy a car as she doesn't see why she should ferry the kids about to see me. I told I'd buy one and take it out of her maintenance.
Can you believe that this is the same woman, who just over a month ago I dropped everything for when her latest cosmetic surgery went wrong and I helped her by driving her to and from the hospital, re-arranging my entire week to accommodate this problem? I must need my head seeing to.
I'm annoyed that I let her get to me and I'm also annoyed that I helped her out. I've told her I won't be helping her out when she has her 'repair procedure' in June. I got a simple 'That's fine' in return.
What's the point? And before anybody says the DB'ing is to save yourself, I say no. I didn't come here to save myself, I came here to try and save my marriage. My best friend tells me I should 'be there' for her, but how can I when all I get is this constant stream of selfishness?
Dropping the rope and diconnecting ain't as easy as that after nearly 20 years, but I'm now beginning to feel like a doormat. Why do I still love this woman? Yeah, she's in crisis - cars, cosmetic surgery, possible EA or PA, clothes, money gushing out of her account, and as for her reaching the bottom - I can't see anything bringing that on. She doesn't miss me at all and is using my SD as a crutch to support everything she does - needs help with the kids, asks SD, needs help in the house, asks SD - on and on.
There is a quote on here from a poster called 'Stayed' from her husband. He said he felt like he was in a film. I feel like I'm in an Ealing comedy, with me playing the fool.
Angry, need to calm down.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Ah Huddy, you helped her out with the whole surgery debacle with expectations?
Sorry to sound harsh, but buddy, you got no to blame but yourself for that one. Either you help her because it's what's best for the kids, or because you want to expecting ZERO in return, or you don't help her out at all. You are making yourself the doormat.
You know she is selfish, so stop expecting something in return.
Sotto already gave me a 2x4 for the expectations thing.
I've run out of ideas and patience to be honest. Just want to sit down with my kids and eat a meal like we used to and relax. There is no benefit to anybody in any of this sitch.
Brutal and sad.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy, your feelings are yours mate. You didndidn'tm't get to see your kids and that would upset any of us.
You know about expectations and Sotto has explained it brilliantly. Having no expectations is much easier said than done.
Getting angry is fine but it's dealing with that anger is the important thing. Coming on here is a good start.
Can I ask if you really do still love this woman or do you love who she was or the idea of who you thought she was ?
I ask because after reading your posts I don't see why you would love this version of her. I think we all came here to save our marriage BUT you soon realise you have to save yourself first for any chance of a new R with your W.
Your on the MIC forum and this c@ap takes years for the Nicer to go through. You say W is far from reaching 4 the bottom and you may be right but you don't know how she's feeling. Maybe she didn't bring the kids over to exercise some control over you, maybe she's not feeling the best or maybe she's ........ You get my meaning. Bottom line today is your day with the kids and she has stopped this, what can you do to make sure this doesn't happen again ? Legal ? What's your options.
Again , you are dealing with an incredibly hard situation and your human.
Deal with this as calmly ( outwardly to W, until inwardly you actually are calm) as you can and get it resolved so this doesn't happen again. Next time W wants you to help her ( not the kids ) do what is right for you and don't let her view of it colour your actions. Your a good man and I'm.sure your moral compass when dealing with W will guide you well. Just remember she doesn't want to be your W anymore so she can't expect you to act like a H anymore.
Just my thoughts Huddy but in my case I give myself an hour or two to settle my feelings and thoughts before reacting.
