Even though our communication has improved over these past 7 weeks I can see that she doesn't respect me by continuing this behavior. I feel she thinks we are technically separated even though we are still living under the same roof. Either way she is choosing to fill her needs with someone other than her husband and because that is going on there is no chance of us ever being able to work on our M. It is non existent at this point. I wanted to work on me being a better man and trying to be a better husband but I see that none if it matters to her. It actually still matters to me. These changes that I have been undertaking are for me and no one else. I just wanted her to see a different me before I confronted her because I know the old image of me she carries in her head. I am not that selfish and shut down person anymore.
The confrontation doesnt have to be ugly or actually confrontational. But its imperative that she knows that you know and that you will not accept that kind of behavior from your W. Her options are to leave or to stay and work on the M. The choice is hers. She does not respect you but you need to show her that you have enough respect for yourself that you will not be treated that way.
Pew - This is really good stuff here from LiM. I confronted my W about an EA on Sunday and it was all calm discussion. When she tried to deflect it to there not being anything really there between her and OM, I told her I don't give a damn about the OM and this is about the lack of respect you've shown me as your H. This was all done calmly, plainly with respect.
It hasn't brought us back together, but I can tell you I feel a billion percent better. I'm better because of it. I'm stronger because of it.
I wish you the best.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Thank you for sharing your story and thanks for the words of encouragement. I find it kind of ironic that I am demanding respect from her when I know I didn't show her respect the last 1.5 years. Granted I did not cheat on her but I did emotionally abandon her when I shut down. I know it's what I have to do and I am slowly bringing myself to do it. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of what I previously stated.
So I finally was able to find the DR book in Barnes and Noble. I am going to start reading this weekend. Yesterday was a bit of a down day for me but I am pulling my head up today and getting back on track. I have to get used to the constant ups and downs so they don't bother me as much. It is a continuous work in progress I guess.
trying to get into the comfort zone with it. That is probably one of the hardest things. Its hard to get comfortable with the feelings of being so alone. Trying to stay focused on children and friends and of course myself.
Ok so I have been reading the DR book and I must say it is almost word for word of how me and my W grew apart. It really has been easy reading as I am not much of a book person. I am almost up to chapter 3 and the odd thing that I have noticed is this. In chapter 2 there is a section of changing from hitting your S's negative buttons to hitting their positive one's. I have been doing my 180's for the last 7 weeks. I pretty much went from working all the time and not being home much to trying to cut back and get home an hour earlier each day just to have more of a presence. I went from being too tired and depressed to being more energetic and happier. I am doing my lions share of help around the house. I have been finishing projects that I never had time for and doing chores around the house to help when I can realizing that just because my W doesn't work, taking care of the children's and the house is probably a tougher job then what I do. I have been taking care of myself by working out, getting really fit and even started cooking a family dinner every Sunday. Which to be honest I am enjoying more than I expexlcted.
Now I know my wife is in an A and she seems to be really head over heels for the OM but I have noticed that my changes have brought about some 180's in her. We went from her not wanting to be in same room with me to actually looking for me when I am doing something in the house. She will even sit in the kitchen and talk with me while I am cooking. We were going to a carnival one Friday and I was getting home about 1/2 hr later than I expected and when she called me to see where I was in my travel she sounded very upset and angry. When I got home I expected her to be miserable and ready to rip my head off but when I got home she was pleasant and said she will be ready in 10 min to leave. I was shocked how pleasant she was. I commented to her on the way down that I expected her to be angry with me when I got home and how I was amazed that she was pleasant and she commented to me that since I have been calm and pleasant these past few weeks that there was no more fuel for her to get fired up.
So I am going to keep reading the book but I am truly confused at the fact that our dynamics between us are becoming more positive even though she had said she is done with me and is caught up in this A. I know it probably doesn't mean much but I can see some changes for the positive in the way she interacts with me and how she initiates more contact with me. I am going to keep doing what I have been doing. I am going to do more soul searching in me and try and detach a little more as dealing with her A has been emotionally draining on me. I have given her space and time for her to be her and in turn she has given me time and space for me to be me. We are learning to coexist, I just wish it would eventually get to more than just that.
I know i am going to have to put in a lot more time and I am still trying to figure things out but I must say overall I am in such a better place with myself and with her than several weeks ago. Overall I am trying to love her and be more understanding without any expectations of getting anything back and to be honest, i really do love her even given the current state of our M. I realize this is probably not what I should be doing and I probably will make some changes in my approach once I finish this book to try and bring about more changes and also change direction of where we currently headed.
So it seems I can't put this book down. I don't know why they do not have relationship classes as mandatory classes given in school. It seems most people only look for the answers when they are in trouble. If we all were smart enough to start looking immediately most of us would be in happier places at the moment.
Sounds you have officially landed where I'm currently located. My wife went from "I need to be myself." To looking for me if I'm in a different room doing something as simple as reading a book. The love is clearly still there, but their so pissed at us they don't want to show it. I wouldn't get too excited yet. Because there will be moments when she starts testing you, because shell made at herself subconsciously for liking you. Just try not to argue back with her.
Because your first instinct will be frustration, because you two are doing so much better and now she is coming at you with nonsense. And when you don't give in at first, later she come at you with a form of disrespect that she knows will get you to blow up. That is how I got a minor setback two months back. 30 seconds into falling into the trap, I realized she got me. And I could see it on her face that she knew she had me. All I could do was apologize for raising my voice and walked off. But thongs have been better seen then. So enjoys this time of improvement, but beware of the test.
and doing chores around the house to help when I can realizing that just because my W doesn't work, taking care of the children's and the house is probably a tougher job then what I do.
Why the heck are you doing this ^^^^^^^^^^? You have one grown son and one that is seven, which means he is in school, right? She does not work outside the home, right? So, you cut your hours at work (which is fine if you want to GAL).........and you rush home to put on your Super Husband cape! You are running around like the energy bunny doing everything you can think might possibly need doing.........b/c your poor little wife must have a tough job? At what?.............. PLEASE!!
Let this ole former WW tell you exactly what you're doing. You are a nice-guy type working his a$$ off to win a little favor with his WW. It won't happen! She will let you kiss both cheeks all you want, but it will not win her desire for you as a man. Not now! Her desire is for some other man, and you are breaking your neck to do her work at home? What's she got to do that's so tough? You are making excuses b/c you want to nice her back into the MR........and it won't work with a wayward. And, if you start saying you think she might be something other than a WW...........as a way to excuse your wussy actions.......well, then I will leave you alone. However, she is wayward.
You need to stop acting like Suzy Homemaker and start GAL. You only feel your presence is needed more at home......b/c your are insecure and want to be a close to her, and her surroundings, as possible. Almost every guy that shows up here takes this same avenue, so ask them how successful the Super Husband routine worked for them. Some H's are trying to tell you, but you aren't believing them.
People who do not understand the mindset of a WW, or have not had personal experience with one.......will encourage you to be her friend, help around the house, and numerous other things that would have been great before a third person came into the M. Unfortunately, what she wanted from you in the past..........is not what she currently wants from you. I don't agree with being a friend or kissing up to the person who is betraying you. But that's just me.
As someone has told you, a big part of the wayward mindset in a wife, is based on disrespect. The three main areas in the foundation of her wayward mindset is resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. If she felt neglected by you and her emotional needs went unmet...........I guarantee she has had years of resentment forming a foundation for waywardness. A woman can carry that amount of resentment for just so long until the feelings of respect for her H stop. If you never noticed any signs whatsoever, then I think you are not familiar with the various ways a W show their disrespect. Starting with her attitude........facial expressions.......verbal expressions.......talking at you through the kids.......rolling her eyes at something you say or do........huffing & puffing, heavy sighing.........I think you mentioned a lot of arguing.........saying something that puts you down in front of your sons, or others...........the list is endless.
If her respect for you is gone, it affects her ability to "feel" in love with you. As long as she is involved with the OM, her feelings of desire for her H will not return. Women are not wired the same as men, and it is absolutely necessary to have her respect in order to tap in to her desire (in-love feelings). You could work yourself into the ground trying to appease her, but without her respect, it would not change her feelings. Therefore, can you see the two major issues that will prevent your Super Husband tactics from succeeding in restoring your W's loving feelings for you?
If you want to confront her, then do it..........just make sure you have a plan. Her knowing that you know.....but you aren't doing anything about it but whining........will make for a worse situation. She is not going to end the A just b/c you know about it. So, if you approach her with your knowledge of the A........do NOT argue about whether or not she is having one. Some guys want to hear the WW admit it. So what? It won't change anything if she does admit it.
What is the purpose of confronting her when you already know the truth? Well, I suggest it should not be to "ask" her anything! You look at her face to face (or you can stand up while addressing her) and tell her you know the truth about her affair. You do NOT reveal how much you know, nor reveal your source. If she starts asking, or arguing, or denying........hold your hand up and say, "Stop". Then you state your boundaries. For example, "I will not live in an open M. If contact with the OM does not immediately cease, I will prepare to take steps for separation/divorce".
If you are too afraid to say something that strongly, then you could say, "I will not stay in a M where I am disrespected". But let me warn you, whatever you say.......you must be ready to fully enforce your words with action. She will test your words, so back them with action........not more words.
Boundaries are not up for discussions or negotiations.
Without a plan to state your boundaries, confrontation is only her cue to be more secretive about the A.
In most cases, men get into a R talk at the point of confrontation. At best, they get a few things off their chest and feel emotionally better.......for about 24 hrs. Then they try to deceive themselves into believing she will eventually come around. When they see no changes, they try to block it out and act as if nothing is wrong in the MR.
You can't talk her back, and you can't nice her back. You need to understand that going forward from this moment is about you. It's not about what she wants. Don't sit around waiting to see what she decides. Why? B/c she can tell that's exactly what you are doing! She needs to believe she stands a very big chance in losing you. How worried do you think she is currently? As long as you are wearing your SH cape, and trying to hang out with her............. she won't worry at all.
It is up to you if you want to gain her respect or live in a sham MR.
You have a lot of information to get, so continue reading.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
