Things are slow and steady but still the same and that's ok. Takes time.
Sounds like you and your D are really having a lot of fun together. That is fantastic. I'm also having a blast with my kids and that includes a near 14-year old daughter. For those with teenagers, you know that's monumental.
Good luck with the appointment. It is all part of the process. I might not wish you luck, but I'll wish you the best.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Roller coaster day. My fault for allowing myself to get dragged into it.
Appointment with therapist went well. She said she's seen some good progress, and that I was much more upbeat. I felt like it was good session, but still a lot more of me letting stuff out than focused therapy.
Appointment with lawyer also went well. I have the final agreement for W to sign. If she signs it, D will be final by late July / early August.
Operation GAL continued smoothly tonight. Showed up for my group, BS'd with some folks, everyone enjoyed the Woodchuck Amber cider I brought with me ("Lots better than something like Angry Orchard!"), started playing a good game. Around 8:30 I called to talk to D before she went to bed. That's where the trouble started.
Had a good conversation with D, told her daddy was at a party and having fun. She was on speaker, so W heard all this. When D went off to finish watching her movie, W actually wanted to talk for the first time in I don't know how long. I kept it short.
About 20 minutes later, I get a text about how she is happy that I'm doing the things I always wanted to do, but she's bitter and hurt by me, because this is all she ever wanted to do with me, and I waited until I pushed her out of my life to do them. That's what she means when she says she wasn't worth my time, etc. She wasn't much to me, etc, but best wishes for my continued growth.
I SHOULD have ignored this. Alas, I did not.
I told her I didn't know how to respond to this, that she threw me away and made it clear she was done with me, that she replaced me with someone else. That I started trying to be a better man for her, but she wasn't interested, and that she said she was never coming back. What was I supposed to do, cry for the rest of my life? I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and she told me our family wasn't worth saving. Kaizen will call me on this, but I told her again that she was always good enough, and that even when she was screaming at me, I still wanted to love her forever.
She gave up on me, flew away with the money I gave her for xmas to see another man and made me pay for the rest. Practically laughed about it when she came back, and was smug about what she'd done.
I was so wound up, I actually sent her the damn email I wrote her when I was journaling, and told her to believe it or not, because it didn't matter anymore.
She came back telling me how much she hated me for letting her go, for not showing her enough love or showing her I wanted her, and how she can't put up with it anymore. That she will always love me, and wonder why I gave up on wanting her and showing her.
There's more in this vein, but I don't want to write about it. I was literally shaking in anger when the conversation started, who the heck is she to tell me how I felt? By the end, I was just drained. I left my fun night out a few hours early and went home. I just didn't have it in me to keep going tonight.
The funny part is that I don't feel sad. Or angry. I feel like this is the last push I needed to walk away from this. That she'll never be able to get that kind of emotion out of me again, which means there's no way she can control me (except D, but L says that's not going to happen).
If I could find the woman I married, I'd probably still try to make it work with her. But that woman is long gone, and she's never coming back. And that's my past... not my future.
That is a freaking roller coaster right there, but keep in mind she's pushing her guilt all over you. Making this about you giving up while she's running off to OM. Do NOT ignore this. Her guilt is not yours to carry, my friend.
She's clearly seeing the changes in you and that's great because she's acknowledging that they're real, not manipulative, etc. Just keep doing what you're doing.
We all end up in places we did not want before BD and not because any of us intentionally wanted our M to be that way. It is complete horse caca (haha DB censors!!!) to be throwing you under the Divorce bus as it's you're fault for giving up.
Hope you have a great day today.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
I left a bunch out above. She told me repeatedly last night that she's done, and doesn't want me anymore, etc (I wasn't talking about it fixing anything, she was just spewing it at me).
Then she told me that she would always love me, but still didn't want me. Then she told me I was a great man, and to not make the same mistakes in my next relationship.
The anger really drained out of me when she was saying that. I kind of feel pity at this point. SHE started all of this, and now it's like she's trapped in something, and she's raging about it.
I'm really, really not looking forward to tomorrow when I give her the paperwork.
I'm sure you're a little like me in that you're curious what its going to look like when the other shoe drops. I don't know what course it takes, but I think its one or the other that hits first: a) anger/venting is finally done or b) reality.
All the negatives from over the years comes out first and they can't stop riding that emotion until they've scraped the bottom of the barrel. It can be painful to hear, but it is interesting to observe given some good distance from detachment.
You sound strong and I wish you the best.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
I have soccer first this afternoon, so I should be feeling pretty good (if tired) when I go to pick up D, and W and I have this conversation.
I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I've accepted that this relationship is over, that W isn't the person she was, and I don't want the person that she is. The divorce has already been filed for two weeks, so it's not like there is anything new here.
I think it's just all part of the process. Emotions hit (good, bad, ugly, FUBAR) and we have to deal. One of my self-help books I read had a quote that I try to remind myself something like "acknowledge the feelings, challenge the thoughts".
We feel what we feel and don't really have control over what goes through our minds and hearts, but how we think about it, react to it is completely in our control. It's ok if it's bothering you, just don't let it own you.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
No you haven't accepted anything. Do not kid yourself. You are only a couple on months into this, you have not accepted $hit yet. Do not kid yourself. The reality of it all is still waiting to hit you. Trust me, I have seen a lot of people over a couple of years and you are waaaaaays of of accepting stuff.
There is nothing wrong with you, but you do have to allow yourself to grieve the death of your relationship.
Went to see W with the agreement. She got VERY upset about the weekend for me that was in there, and said she wanted the summer in exchange. I told her that I wasn't ever going to sign off on that, because there was no way in hell I was standing for D sitting around a trailer all summer and going back to school unable to read. I did point out that she could get her from summer program whenever she wanted to. Not good enough. I pointed out that the "minimal time" she has is actually a LOT more than I have--I get to see her three hours a day for five days a week, and we spend most of that time getting ready, working, or eating. She has her for 48 hours straight and they can do whatever she wants.
W started spewing. I called her on her crap. I actually walked out and drove up the hill to MIL's house to get D. She sent me a text "You just walked out." "Yes. I didn't think there was anything else to talk about." W is apparently floored by this.
MIL can see that I'm upset. Really upset. She tells me to just let it go, that there's nothing good in getting riled up over this. MIL is basically telling me she isn't worth it.
Some fighting by text. I called her out on the Florida thing. She admitted to some things. I called her and let out a bunch of anger I didn't even know was still there. I tore her a new [censored]. At one point she something I don't remember, and I tell her "I know, and I don't care, I need to say this for ME." She took it. I went for almost an hour. I tell W I have a date on Saturday (I do).
The "Nice Guy" in me doesn't do anger. W has NEVER seen anything like this from me. W actually apologizes, for basically everything. W doesn't normally apologize for anything. In six years, she's said "sorry" so rarely that I could count them without taking off my shoes and probably while wearing mittens.
In the middle of all of this, I'm crying my eyes out (mostly anger). D and niece come walking up and I don't notice them (I've walked 100 yards away from the house while talking). Niece asks D "why is he crying" and D rather nastily says, "probably because of my MOMMY." That just messes me up even more--Daddy's Girl is picking up on this stuff and is NOT happy with mommy, that's NOT GOOD, it's the LAST THING I want. I tell W about it an apologize.
MIL has to leave, so I say "Goodbye" (capital G on purpose) to W. We have to stop by W's house on the way, because D's school stuff is still there. I'm driving down the hill, and our song comes on the radio. Seriously!? Seriously, universe!? I decide I'm taking the pain on this one, and I'm taking W along for the ride with me. Blast the music, windows down, roll up in the middle of the first verse, W is actually outside. "Isn't fate a f***ing b****?" is my greeting.
W grabs me and hugs me. I hug back. I tilt her face up and say "last one, make it count" and we kiss. Kissing madly, hugging, both of us crying our eyes out to our song. MIL drives past at this moment and screams out the window, "NOW THAT IS MORE LIKE IT!"
W and I both wave her off. We know this isn't what it looks like.
