Thanks Gordie. I knew I didn't handle it correctly. I'm trying to get better.
The situation is a little worse than I described (from how I handled it I mean). The truth it, I did know where she was going and who she was going with. I was not worried about what she was actually doing. My issue is that this MLC situation has caused me to be possessive and controlling. Not as much in how I treat her (well, except with comments like I made to her in this situation), but in my head. I wasn't that way before, but I see that I am now. I don't feel like it is unjustified for me to be that way, but it isn't helpful or healthy. What I wanted was for her to show enough respect to communicate her plans with me. Not ask for permission, just let me know. Again, I recognize my issues and am working on it. Thank you for the direction...I need it!! And yes, I did believe her when she said she would see me tonight. She really hasn't lied to me throughout this. She may withold the truth sometimes, but doesn't actually tell me lies.
So in the evening when I got home she had just got home. We chatted a little but it was hard for me because of how I felt all day. She made a comment about how cute her friends kids were. I asked if she got to spend much time with them and she said a little. I followed up with, I wish you would have let me know that you were going to go ahead and stay the night. She said she figured I knew. I said that it was up in the air when she left and that I wasn't sure. I then changed the subject to something else. I didn't make a big issue of it but said my piece and moved on. Our communication the rest of the evening was ok.
Handling her now is hard because she shows so many signs of getting better. I know she is't there yet, but she isn't in an affair, seems to be actively trying to better herself, is improving the relationships between herself and others. She just isn't really working onus. I can still tell she is in MLC, but her behavior is improving. It makes it hard to drop the rope because I feel like that makes me the one being distant. I KNOW better, but it is still a delicate tightrope to walk. Keep hitting me with those 2x4's and I'll continue to get better.
Hi Sjohn! I realize that you are just now trying to wrap your head around what to do and how to do it. We've all been where you are at some point...and sometimes return to that thinking. Gordie's advice is very good. But this ^ stood out to me. This is the root of your thinking that needs to change as you DB. You don't handle her. You handle you. You can't control her actions, only your actions and your reactions to her actions. It's difficult, but once it becomes a habit, you will hardly have to think about it.
She stays out all night? You show concern...she has your attention (bad or good) and is rewarded by...having your attention, caring, concern. What if you didn't "notice"? What if you only "noticed" her good behavior? And validated it? What if you ignored her when she did something you didn't like? Trust me, that bad behavior in MLC can get surprisingly worse. Practice not being affected by it now and you'll get pretty good at it after awhile (see HaWho's thread). It will make detaching easier. But validating the good behavior, thanking her for nice or considerate behavior, is important, too.
You've got this. Just remember not to "handle her". Handle "it" - the situation. And yourself.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
You are definitely right, but I think "handling her" might have been more of a poor word choice on my part. I really do look at it more as handling myself around her. Maybe there is something to say about the fact that I chose those words, but overall, my thinking is more about how I handle myself around her, not handling her. I mainly just misspoke on that. It is something I need to remind myself of, though. Thank you for that!
I really like what you said about validating the good behavior. And now that you word it like that I want to kick myself because I actually have family members that are doctors in behavioral/brain science. I know all about validating good behavior instead of punishing bad as a means for behavior modification. I don't know why I haven't thought about that in this situation. I've applied in in other areas of my life. Not that I see it as my role to modify her behavior, but more as a way of looking at how I handle my side of interactions with her to promote and encourage the kind of change I'd like to see in our relationship. I mean we are still married and we do still interact so I do need to learn how to handle myself better. I would like to get to a point where it is more automatic, like you said, rather than being so much effort to control myself.
Thank you for your comments. That gives me a lot to chew on. I've got this...but its an ongoing effort.
So she is not in her EA as far as you know but does she still want a D?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Well, she never actually talked about divorce or said she wanted that. She did move out for a couple of months and then moved back in prematurely because she missed the kids and could barely afford the apartment she was in. She has also said that she wants space, feels empty inside, she has said that she needs to find herself, and she even said that she didn't want to be married. I haven't initiated any relationship talks recently, so those things are from a month or 2 ago, but then she also says (often in the same conversation) that she wants for things to work out and knows that there are many reasons why we should work it out. I think what she really means is that she wants to want to work it out.
Since moving home 5 months ago, she has calmed down quite a bit and seems to be working on herself. I think that's why this time seems tricky to me. When she was out being wild and living in an apartment and having an EA, although it was hard on me, it was easier to see it as MLC. Now she is back, working on herself and her behavior has calmed down. I also get to see her behave so normally around others, but she is still cold and distant with me (mostly). She does initiate conversations some, but it seems pretty forced on her part. I also see her get confused easy, forget things, have that foggy look in her eye, have trouble sleeping, and play on her phone for hours at a time. So...she isn't out of it yet but she wears it well for public facing.
Another thing that I forgot to mention is that she has just started IC. She has only been to 1 session and I didn't pry about it. I know she went and she knows I know she went. I figure that if she wanted to talk about it she would.
It came about roughly a month ago. I can't remember what sparked the conversation, but I had had enough that day and was ready to walk. I believe it was something she said to me. At that point she scrambled and said do you think maybe we should try marriage counseling again before giving up. I told her that I didn't think MC would do much good at this point, but would she be up to seeing an IC instead. She seemed very receptive to that. On her own she sought one out (referral from the marriage counselor we had been seeing) and scheduled an appointment. That was 2 weeks ago. I believe her 2nd appointment is tonight. She hasn't mentioned to me that it is tonight, but I'm pretty sure it is. So...that's also a good thing, right? Man...I really need to work on zero expectations.
Sounds like you are walking on eggshells. I have special eggshell shoes but they are really uncomfortable for long periods of time so I have taken them off. Are you calm and relaxed and confident and happy at home? How are the kids? What are your goals for yourself? I think being a better you is path to your own happiness and any potential attraction your w may have for you now or in the future.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I do walk on eggshells. I don't like it and am trying not to.
Sometimes I am able to be calm and relaxed, but until I can completely detach I seem to cycle with her moods a little. Not always, but often. As far as confident, I don't know how to answer that. I was very a very confident man before this. Then my ego and confidence was destroyed with BD. I am way more confident than I was then, but not yet like before. Actually, now that you have me thinking about it...I think I still lack a lot of confidence. Confidence is something that I've always just had. How do you rebuild it? I think if I could rebuild confidence that the other things would be easier to fall in to place.
Good to know you aren’t walking on eggshells. You are a better man than me.
Yes, definitely think about confidence and come back with an answer. BD totally deflates confidence. It’s rejection and abandonment and the one you love saying you aren’t good enough, you don’t satisfy me...
Rebuilding confidence is both critical to your own ego / future and is also a cornerstone of sexual attraction between men and women. Part of that confidence is knowing you have a bright future with or without w, confidence that this situation is temporary and will get to the other side, confidence that you are a good man and not all the bad things she said about you and/or you said about yourself.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie, you don't know how much you are helping me. I wish I would have had the strength to post more earlier on. I think if I had I'd be further along in my journey than I am now. I don't know that she would be, but I would be. Having you tell me some of the same stuff over in different ways is helping me to pound it in to my head. There is a difference in knowing what to do and KNOWING what to do...if you know what I mean
Its funny, I'll be telling myself stuff to try and talk down my own inner dialog. Then I'll have a light bulb moment where I GET it and feel relieved that I have a mental plan. When I repeat the light bulb idea back to myself, its the same thing verbally that I've been telling myself (and others telling me) all along. The difference is finally GETTING it.
And I see now that I've been looking at the dropping the rope thing and going dark as a thing that I am doing to her rather than a thing I am doing for myself. I keep trying to do all the right things for all the wrong reasons.
I'm going to really sink my teeth in to this confidence rebuilding thing. I think that is key. It will help me get back to me, change my thinking, and might even rebuild some interest in me from her perspective...although that last one isn't really why I want to do it. I hope that happens, but I really want ME back right now.
Once I have a better answer for the confidence thing I'll get back to you.
And to clarify from earlier, I actually said that I AM walking on eggshells, but don't want to. I am better at not doing it as much now than I was, but I still do it. Its almost impossible not to a little because my natural inclination when around her is to speak my mind. I can't really do that right now because some of the things I want to say that would originally be ok to say might set her back due to her messed up MLC thinking. To me, monitoring my speech and actions to accommodate her delicate emotional state is walking on eggshells. I'm trying to do it less because walking on eggshells is a low confidence move, although there is a fine line between that and just monitoring your speech because no one should say everything they think out of sheer respect for their fellow human being. I'm trying to find that line between general respect and enabling cake eating.
