And when I tell her that, I am sure she will say she isn't in an EA/PA. Do I admit to her then that I snooped her calls? Would that be a bad ting to admit? Or do I maybe ask to see her phone if she denies it and say nothing of the phone bill?
When we communicate it has gone better lately and I am just very leery of doing anything to cause a negative conversation.
We are in counseling, but in counseling she talked about losing a connection between us and wanting to develop our friendship because she missed her best friend of 20 years (me). While I admit that I miss our friendship too, I don't think being her BFF is what I want out of our relationship. Should I be trying to develop that again as a step to fix our marriage, or is that a step in the wrong direction?
Look, she has the OM for her romantic/love/desire interest.....and she wants you for the best friend. In a way, it's like being the best man at the wedding, instead of being the groom.
Do you want to be best friends with the woman who is cheating on you and lying to you? I can't remember a case where the wayward wife didn't want her H to be her friend (in the beginning, anyway), but she didn't want him for a husband. What does that tell you? Pretty much a demotion, don't you think?
As for being the right direction or step to fix your MR.....I don't think it is, and I'll tell you why. The wayward wife just wants her H for a buddy without any love/desire that spouses have for one another. Her LBH is similar to her favorite worn out old house shoes......she's not quite ready to throw away, b/c they feel so comfortable. She also wants to remain footloose to be with the other man (or men), and to live the single life. Pretty good setup for her. In her head, having her H as her BFF means he is there whenever it's convenient for her. His friendship means she gets to use him for a handyman (utility man, tech guy, errand boy, construction/plumber), a baby sitter, complaint dept, yack in his ear when she's bored or lonely, and use his wide shoulders to cry on when she feels sorry for herself and wants to be comforted. She may even do things with him, when she isn't with the OM or have something better. A WW's motivation in this so called friendship is based on what she needs.....what she wants....and what he can do for her. She has no intentions of building back any other type of relationship with her H, b/c she is wayward. Being her BFF while she is rebelling against her MR, has no desirable attraction for her. It's just slipping on those old comfortable house shoes.
The sad thing is that the H has a completely different mindset about the whole friendship thing. Every time she wants something, he honestly tries to do what he believes he would do for a friend. Plus, his hope is this will lead them back together as a married couple. But once the H starts playing the role of BFF, it becomes a trap for him. When he gets tired of her always taking advantage and using him, he may try to get out of it. Guess what? She will pout or cry and say, "I thought you wanted to be my friend, but I see you I can't depend on you (or trust you)....yada, yada".
Having her OM as her romantic interest while her H plays BFF is the epitome of cake eating for the wayward wife.
This is just my opinion.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Listen to what Sandi says. She's playing you. Drop the rope, deploy the LRT and go DARK. With a WW, you've got to be firm. So long as she is W, you are not her H. The A has got to die before you have any shot are R the M. Until she shows genuine remorse, she is still a WW. Its at that point that the real work begins.
I would follow LH19's advice. Dont tell her you snooped but tell her you don't wish to continue MC so long as she is in contact with OM. She will lie and tell you she's not but you don't have to explain how you know. It is a waste of time and money to go to MC right now. You can't "nice" her back into the M. Spend this time working on you. Become the man she would be a fool to leave.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
And when I tell her that, I am sure she will say she isn't in an EA/PA. Do I admit to her then that I snooped her calls? Would that be a bad ting to admit? Or do I maybe ask to see her phone if she denies it and say nothing of the phone bill?
When we communicate it has gone better lately and I am just very leery of doing anything to cause a negative conversation.
Hello sjohns6,
Yes, this sounds like cake eating. No need to admit to the snooping because there is no upside in sharing that info with her.
What did you decide about MC?
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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I haven't posted in a while but have been reading the forums for support from others situations as well as reading DR.
I'll start by thanking you guys for your responses. They help a lot. I agree with all of it and I did confront her regarding the texting and not wanting marriage counseling while she was carrying on with OM. She denied that she was texting the OM saying that it was her girlfriend from work she was texting. I didn't press the issue further as I am not certain of the numbers, but I am fairly certain that she lied. I explained to her that I didn't want to be her best friend. I told her that I wanted to be friends if it was within our M, but not just friends. I also explained that I would not be her secondary choice. I would not be man number 2. She wanted to continue counseling and work on things. It seems since then all of her texting has died down to nothing. She claims that she is not talking to OM and feels a little embarrassed that it happened, but she does still work with him.
It has now been a month and a half since that, and things have changed a little (or maybe a lot depending on how you look at it). Recently in counseling she said that she now realizes that she has been blaming for a lot of stuff that was not my fault and that she didn't realize it until she had some time away from the situation. She has also started spending a little more time around the house with the family. She has come over and made dinner and hung out a little. She is still distant, but does start conversations about random topics. It is hard because she seems so absent minded and foggy looking, but also seems to be trying to make things work.
A few days ago she dropped our D off at a mutual friends house for a play date. She has not talked to this friend much since this all started. He told me when I picked up D from his house that she told him that she had really effed things up between us and that she had been blaming for things that weren't my fault. She has not said these things directly to me or apologized for anything, although admitting these things at all seems like a positive change.
I have been trying not to snoop for my own peace of mind, but in the few times I do, I have not found any evidence that she is carrying on any nefarious activities at all. It looks like she goes to work, runs errands, and hangs out with the kids on her days with them...and with us on some of the other days. It looks kind of like she is trying to be better, but still a little foggy in the head...but maybe not AS foggy.
Her actions now make it difficult for me to know how to act around her. When she seems to be trying, I want to try and and am tempted to drop the DB type of behavior. Most of the time I stick to it...sometimes I slip and give a hug or tell her she is beautiful. It doesn't seem to send her running for the hills when I do it, but I still feel like I shouldn't have afterwards because I don't feel like she deserves that kind of treatment from me...I just get weak because I love her and I like to see that she is trying (or what I perceive to be trying).
One issue we have coming up is her apartment lease. Initially she moved out for a trial separation with ground rules. We agreed on no dating (she says she hasn't been), not open ended (initially a month but she could only find a 2 month apartment to sublease), both agreed that the point of separation was to work on the marriage and we would wear our wedding rings, defined a schedule with the kids, and a few other things that really aren't worth mentioning (regarding scheduling with the kids). It has been a month and a half since she got the apartment. That means that in the next 2 weeks she will either get another apartment or move home. We have not discussed what she is going to do yet, and I really don't want to press the issue. I think she needs to figure that out on her own. The issue with that is that we still share finances so if she makes a decision to get an apartment...that is something that affects us both financially. I am not sure how to feel if she decides she wants to come home. I mean she is showing signs of improvement, but she isn't out of the woods just yet. And a decision to come home is something for us both to decide...and I would think mainly MY decision to allow her too. Of course we have finances and kids to consider so if she really is making forward progress, maybe working on things while living together would be better in a sense? I'm just really not sure.
I really hate all of this, but I love her...or who she used to be and who she could potentially be again (or some form of). I know that she loves me somewhere in there...but right now it isn't the kinds of love that I need (or at least what she is showing me right now).
I'll stop for now as to not ramble on, but any advice or well wishing would definitely be appreciated. I guess I should add a little about me. I've recently started piano lessons, got in to great shape, and just got a new job that pays a bit more money. I am working on myself quite a bit...but I forget to mention those things because that's not what brings me to the forums.
Thanks Cadet. I'll keep posting. You are right about that...no one said it would be easy and it certainly isn't. Feel like the death of a loved one...except they are still right there. I'm strong so I know I'll make it through. I'm just anxious to get back to something that seems more like myself. I'm getting there but the road has been longer than I thought, even though everyone said it would be and it really hasn't been THAT long compared to others.
