Here is my situation. We've been married 13 years (actually, 13 years on May 1 this year). The past two years have been bad; we had not been intimate in 2 years until March this year. He has major alcohol/substance abuse problems, which were under control for a while, then in the past two years they got really bad. In January, he went on an antidepressant called Effexor for anxiety, and that seemed to trigger something in him. Drinking got way worse, he was up all night long playing pool on the phone (he never did this before, hated phone games), and stumbling around like a zombie all hours of the night cooking, urinating on himself, and generally doing strange things. One morning there was powdered sugar all over the place and he had no idea how that happened. In mid-February, he started texting a girl at work way too much. I found this out because on the night of 3/3, he went out to a bar and didn’t come home. I found the evidence of the texting while trying to find him. I don’t know what was in the texts, but he insists it wasn’t a thing and he never cheated on me. He finally stumbled in, still obviously drunk, slept for an hour and went to work. We had a fight that evening when he came home from work, and he said that he thought we should live separately for a while, because he no longer thought we were ‘in love’ and we needed to see if we’d miss each other, and started looking for apartments. We have 3 kids, one of mine (D18) that he adopted (which over the past couple of years has been an absolute hellion, and she and H have particularly butted heads), and 2 of his (D19 & S15). His have lived mostly with their mothers, and the 19 year old is now on her own, but have lived with us on and off over the years. I feel like as much of a mom to his as I do my own. Over the month of March, it was a roller coaster. I had actually been pushing him away a lot up until then, and thought that I did want him gone, but when faced with him actually leaving, I wasn’t sure. We had ups and downs, some days hanging out like old times, sometimes crying fits from me and arguments, not much emotion from him (except anger). We were intimate 3 times in March. He still moved out on 4/3, into an apartment with his cousin and her son (she was facing foreclosure in Louisiana and needed a place to go, and had deposit money). She is an alcoholic too, so I don’t see much success happening with the apartment long term. He is from Louisiana, but didn’t choose to go live at her place to help her save her house; he stayed here in Alabama, about 15 minutes from me. Since then, we haven’t had much contact. He picks up mail here and stuff like that about once a week. I read so much advice about no contact and stuff like that, and it made a lot of sense. I certainly accomplished nothing throughout March with all my contact. Up until 4/14, I was bawling crying pretty much every day, but I think I’m getting better now. I went to an Al-Anon meeting, and I’ve been just trying to work on myself, my school (I’m one semester away from a Masters), and do things that make me happy. I’m not interested in dating anyone as long as I am still married. Don’t know about him. I am cheerful and upbeat whenever we talk, and he does seem to respond to that. I really don’t want to end the marriage, but I’m still kind of on the fence because of his issues. He would have to show improvement there – he was sober for 2 years a few years ago, and our relationship was wonderful. I miss that a lot. I think this may be a MLC (he’s about to be 42, I’m about to be 40) in addition to a drug/alcohol episode. I do know there are things that I have to change, not just to be happy with him if we do reconcile, but to be happy in general and able to have a good relationship with anyone in the future. I should be getting the DR book tomorrow, and the DB book next week or so from Amazon, and I’ve really been trying to learn from this situation.
Me: 40 H:42 M 13 yrs, T 15yrs SD19, D18, SS15 BD: 3/4/17 - ILYBNILWY He moved out: 4/3/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm conflicted. I'd like to give you advice on how to save your marriage but honestly I don't think a marriage to this man is in your best interest. For your own mental and physical health I'd rather see you move on. You deserve so much better and I don't think he's capable of it. Good luck.
Sometimes I don't think it's in my best interest either, but I know there is a good person in there somewhere, and I love that person. This time apart is letting me reflect on that a bit, and I'm trying to figure out whether I want to save my marriage on principal, or because I want to be married to my H.
Me: 40 H:42 M 13 yrs, T 15yrs SD19, D18, SS15 BD: 3/4/17 - ILYBNILWY He moved out: 4/3/17
Hi BluMorn, Welcome to the board. I'm an Alabama lady also! I'm sorry you're in the situation you find yourself. Honestly, I don't know what to say. I'll let the experts and the veterans on here handle the advice part, but I just wanted to stop by and say welcome, and to encourage you to read all the things the Cadet suggested, the DB books, and other people's thread- they are very helpful too. The more you post on others' threads, the more they will get to know you, and you'll get more feedback that way. There are some good, kind people here, that will help you find your way. This place has saved me in some of my darkest days!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I really don’t want to end the marriage, but I’m still kind of on the fence because of his issues.
Hello bluMorn,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Al-Anon is an important resource. I'm glad you are involved. Are the kids involved too?
Don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them. Sure, leaving might seem easier, but it isn't. Leaving just creates a different set of issues. Speaking with one of our DB Coaches will help you clarify your goals.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I am an alcoholic in recovery so I feel like even though I'm new I have a little something to offer here. Your husband will never be able to be a husband while he's in active addiction. No amount of work on the marriage will stick. Your husband has a disease, and if left untreated it is progressive. It never gets better, only worse. It negatively affects every aspect of your life, and is particularly destructive to relationships (see: my story/any AA meeting).
My advice to you is to invest heavily in Al-Anon, and get advice from program veterans on how to steer him towards treatment or a program of recovery. Once he gets sober, and gets his head clear, he'll be equipped to start working on himself and the relationship. But, until he's sober, getting him sober is the only thing that matters.
M:33 W:34 S:9 S:11 M:12 years T:16
BD: 02-09-2017 (ILYBINILWY) MC Started: 2-12-2017 EA Discovered: 2-13-2017 PA Discovered: 4-16-17
I think you are absolutely right; in fact, I think part of his reason for leaving is because he knew he was heading off the deep-end addiction-wise. He may have left to have the mother of all benders.
I have started going to Al-Anon - I should have gone a long time ago. H was in active recovery in NA a few years ago, but after two years of being completely clean, felt it would be ok to have a few beers again and it progressed from there. A lot of my current resentments started with those 'few beers', because I knew we would eventually end up here.
Me: 40 H:42 M 13 yrs, T 15yrs SD19, D18, SS15 BD: 3/4/17 - ILYBNILWY He moved out: 4/3/17
