Thank you for the kind words. You actually have me tearing up right now. I kind of agree with you that at some point I am going to have to address the affair. It definitely is eating me up inside and it will be the only way to be aboe to move past it if we get the chance or it might be the only way to end it at some point. Either way that thought is in the back of my head.
Right now I am just trying to get my W to not hate me which I think I am there. I am not saying she likes me yet but she doesn't hate me anymore and that is a start. She definitely has no interest in a relationship with me and I am fully aware of that. Sometimes I don't feel like she ever will. I agree that she doesn't respect me. As I think about the past year or so, she probably lost respect for me awhile ago. It hurts to think about it but it is the truth. When our relationship was not getttng better she just gave up and began to hate me for everything.
I am hoping I can keep riding this storm out until she can come around to seeing what she has done and what I have endured just because I truly love her. Like I said, at this point I just don't see that happening but I remain hopeful.
I see by your signature that you have been piecing from Apri 2016. Can you tell me how is it going and how did you get to that stage?
She definitely has no interest in a relationship with me and I am fully aware of that. Sometimes I don't feel like she ever will. I agree that she doesn't respect me. As I think about the past year or so, she probably lost respect for me awhile ago. It hurts to think about it but it is the truth.
What you have got to remember is that so long as she is still engaged in the A, she will NOT see the real/new you. It will be impossible for her to have true feelings of love or respect for you until the A has died. Only then can those positive feelings for you begin to return. She only has room for 1 man at a time in her heart. Have you read all of Sandi's threads about WW's? http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1
So in my mind, anything you choose to do or not do that allows the charade to continue will only delay the ability to begin repairing the R.
In my case, I discovered my W's A at the end of December 2015. I took a week to think about what to do. I sought counsel from friends and a professional IC. I then confronted her and kicked her out of the house. I was not mean. I did not lash out at her. I told her that I forgave her but that I would not be treated that way. I told her that so long as she continued with that behavior, then should could not stay in our home. In reality, she was planning on separating anyways at some point in the next 30 days but I kicked her out on my terms. I actually didnt want her to leave. I wanted her to say that she was sorry, that it was a mistake and that she wanted to stay and work on the M. I never demanded that she stop the A. So she moved out. I THOUGHT that we were working on our M and she indicated that we were however something just wasn't right. And 3 months later, I discovered that the A started again within a month after her leaving the house. Although the PA may have taken a break for a few weeks, she was still a WW in her mind which means she still didnt respect me or feel remorse for what she did. So I filed for D and served her. I told her that so long as she continued to choose to live that life, that she could not continue to be M to me. 3 days later, OM confessed to his W and that was the nail in the coffin for the A. A week later, we started reconciling.
Piecing is hard. Your work is only just beginning once you start piecing. The WW has to grieve the loss of the A and that is tough on the LBS. In my case, my W never chose to end the A. OM made that choice for her. So she did not come back to our M of her own choosing which is painful for me. But once the A was truly dead and could no longer continue, it was then that my W could start to see the new me and all the changes I had made. It was only then that she could begin to respect me again.
The A MUST die if you are to have any shot at repairing your MR. So I am a fan of confronting. Every situation is different and you have to choose the best path forward based on the specifics of your R but I just cant phantom the idea of not confronting. My view is that you deserve a certain amount of respect as a human being and if your W cant respect your M vows, then she needs to go until she is ready to start doing that again. In most states, you probably cant force your W to leave the house. I technically couldn't have forced my W out if she wasn't willing to go. But at a bare minimum, you can kick her and all of her stuff out of the MBR. That may not be necessary in your situation because your W does appear to be softening somewhat. However, I'd strongly encourage you to take EVERYTHING she says and does, if the A is still active, with a very tiny grain of salt. You cant believe anything she says or does until the a has died.
If you decide to confront, you need to be prepared for things to get MUCH worse. It may not. Sometimes, the WW will immediately drop into grief and remorse for what they have done. But many times, their disrespect and anger will go through the roof. As unpleasant as that may be, it is really necessary to have any chance at healing and finding a way past the A. You need to emotionally detach so that you can allow that process to unfold without affecting you emotionally. You need to realize that all of what may come is about HER and HER choices and not about you.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Ok so here is the latest. Yesterday my W calls and says she sent me an email about our town selling Yankee tickets for Derek Jeters number being retired. I ask if she wants to go and she says she really does. So i tell her go ahead and write a check an buy tickets. She buys 3 for her, me and our son. She then calls me this morning and say that maybe we shouldn't bring our son because he is only 7 and will probably not be able to last the whole time. I agreed and said I will call to cancel his ticket. part of me is really excited because this is the first time in what feels like forever that she actually wants to do something with just me.
So yesterday she was going out (She usually goes out for a few hours on Wednesday and I go out On Thursdays). Normally she leaves by 7-7:25 but yesterday she was still homw when I got home from work and then proceeded to hang around til almost 8. She came downstairs while I was getting ready for my workout and looked at me and said that I have had this odd happy look lately. I told her that I am staying positive. She walked away to leave with this confused look on her face. I found that to be very funny.
I am still very confused. I am unsure if she just try and be friends or if there is something more starting to happen. I will not read to much into these situations and just take it for what they are worth. Otherwise I am holding up well but hating the emotional distance from her. Its hard to figure out how to try keep this moving in the right direction. Will just keep doing what I have been doing.
Another question, so our 17th anniversary is coming up on May 5th and as I realize we do not have a M anymore I don't want to not acknowledge this day. Any suggestions on how to let her know that I am thinking of her and our anniversary but also realizing that it does not mean what it used to and also understand that she might feel the same way.
When you are doing a good job at DB'ing, its normal for the WW to be confused and perplexed. Maybe even angry. The day that I fully started DB'ing, my W knew something was VERY different with me and she was very confused by it. Once I kicked her out of the house and continued with my 180's and GAL, she became angry. I was being a better person, taking better care of myself and my kids and was more attentive to my other family members.
Its great that your W seems to be moving more towards you but you have to be very careful here. If she is still a WW, then it all means nothing. She could be simply trying to figure out what the hell is going on with you. You won't know one way or the other until the A is exposed.
As for your anniversary? Thats a really tough one. Of course you dont want to "celebrate" it because, well, why would you? She's a WW so there is nothing to celebrate. But what to tell her? I have no idea. If you tell her you dont really want to celebrate or acknowledge the day, I would think that she will pull even closer to you as she try harder and harder to figure out what is going on with you.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Should I not say anything at all. I don't want to come off like our M didn't and doesn't mean anything. If I try to talk to her about not celebrating it how does that conversation even go. This is so confusing. Going to call to speak with a DB coach. Has anyone had any experience with them and if so how do you think they did for you and your situation? Also, trying to get an idea of how much it costs to make sure it is an affordable option for me. Thanks in advance.
She came downstairs while I was getting ready for my workout and looked at me and said that I have had this odd happy look lately. I told her that I am staying positive. She walked away to leave with this confused look on her face. I found that to be very funny.
I am still very confused. I am unsure if she just try and be friends or if there is something more starting to happen. I will not read to much into these situations and just take it for what they are worth.
She's temp checking and messing with your head a bit. She is noticing and that's what you gain from it. Keep in mind the consistency is the key. If you're consistent in the work you're doing, it will become more natural for you and be read more naturally by her.
As for Anniversary, hard to just say "Happy Anniversary" because clearly it's not a happy one. I look back at our last Anniversary in January and my W was very distant because I think that the WAW fuse had been lit, but hadn't exploded yet and did in mid-February. I guess you could say something to the effect of acknowledging the day as something special to you regardless of where this road takes the two of you. Just a thought.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
The cost for DB coaching can be found from the navigation menu. Lots and lots of people have used this service and I've never heard of someone saying it wasn't valuable to them. I personally did not use it though.
I cant advise you on the anniversary. Thats a really tough one. I would imagine that a coach would encourage you to say something positive to recognize the anniversary but that doesnt mean you have to buy flowers, go out to dinner, etc.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I have been very consistent in my changes and actually love the place I am in both physically and mentally compare to where I was almost 2 months ago. I wish my situation was better but can accept where it is at this point as it has been a huge improvement between us. We haven't argued or even gotten close to one since my 180's.
I do like your idea of just acknowledging the day as something special to me regardless of where this road takes us. I believe its simple and honest and doesn't put any pressure on her. She still may react to it indifferently but it is something I want to do. Am I being selfish in this thinking by doing something I want and not thinking about what she may or may not want. Thoughts???
