I often wonder if I should have been silent about the A like yourself. And just make the changes needed. It doesn't help that my W told a few male friends about the pending BD. And now a few of them have made their intentions known to her. So now she just loves all this extra attention. I'm sure that she isn't messing with them, but I know their in her ear giving advice that doesn't work in my favor at all. I went from having a loyal wife who would kicked these guys to the curb to suddenly entertaining marriage advice from them. And most of the clowns have wives or long term girlfriends of their own...smh
I wouldn't second guess yourself now. You did what you thought was right at the time. No one really knows what is the best way of handling it. Each situation is different even though there are similarities between each one.
At this point, I would say keep improving yourself and maybe start trying to detach yourself from her. I am currently trying to do that while I do my 180's and it is becoming a little easier dealing with this whole mess. I am not fully there yet but I keep my breakdowns to when I am alone. Sometimes it feels good to just let it all out. You can't just keep bottling these feelings inside as I feel eventually they will eat at you from the inside and obstruct your personal growth.
As caring individuals and men who truly love their W's, we have to realize we are not without feeling and would not want to be cold individuals anyways. We have to just learn how to cope with our feelings and realize that the pain won't last forever either way. Its a hard fact that I am currently trying to accept. I pray for all the posters on this site and it truly saddens me to see so much pain out there.
I hope for the best for you and for all of the other DB posters in this forum. This site has been one of the most mentally and emotionally reassuring forums for me. I find strength in the kindness and sincerity of the many posters here. Thank you all.
Thank you. I might just take you call soon. The difficult part in my case is doing a 180 when that will clearly contradict a few of the 37 rules.
The "RULES ARE NOT RULES" - they were Sandi's attempt at summarizing DB principles.
When people think that her summary substitutes for what a DB coach says it is unnecessarily complicated.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Completely detaching is going to be hard. I don't want to come off like I'm neglecting my W again. But I do see where my wife is taking advantage of my kindness in some ways. Unless that's just way of her subconsciously testing my responses again.
The way I am detaching is I don't ignore her, I just don't initiate contact and do my own thing. When she texts me or calls me I am always attentive to what she says and respond to her accordingly. I don't linger on phone calls so when she is done really talking I am the first one to say good bye politely and I will talk to you later. I feel there are ways of going about this without ignoring them. My W feels that I ignored her in the past too so I do not want to continue behavior that will remind her of the past. I just want her to realize that I have a life too and that she can be a part of it whenever she wants to be included. I hope that makes sense. I have only been practicing these DB principles for the past 7 weeks so there are many veteran posters that could probably give better advice. I just don't agree that these principles are a one size fits all and I tweak them to what feels right in my situation but in no way am I an expert on this.
Completely detaching is going to be hard. I don't want to come off like I'm neglecting my W again. But I do see where my wife is taking advantage of my kindness in some ways. Unless that's just way of her subconsciously testing my responses again.
Be careful with too much non-pursuit, given that you say you neglected her. Neglect was basically my wife's biggest complaint, I think. I've found that I seem to make the best improvement with her when I'm making contact and giving her attention. You have to try a lot of different things, and do whatever seems to work, and avoid whatever seems to make things worse. That is the most important DB rule, I think. Just make sure the things you try seem very reasonable. For me, the worst thing has been making my wife mad, since BD. She feeds on anger to do hurtful and cold things to me, and to stay on the divorce/OM train. If you watch the Last Resort Technique video series, you'll see where MWD warns against using a lot of no contact toward a wife that has been neglected. You definitely don't want to aggravate the cr4p out of her, either. I would suggest talking to a DB Coach. When everyone on the forums was telling me to not write letters or make any contact, Coach Chuck told me to call her and told me what to tell her, because I told him that she seems to respond most to me contacting her, versus giving her a lot of space. Remember to look for baby steps in the right direction, Tread. And this is all advice coming from someone in a very similar boat as you. So, take this with a grain of salt, because I'm learning, too.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I just don't agree that these principles are a one size fits all and I tweak them to what feels right in my situation but in no way am I an expert on this.
I agree completely.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I just don't agree that these principles are a one size fits all and I tweak them to what feels right in my situation but in no way am I an expert on this.
I agree completely.
the very essence of DB says this exactly. It says do X and monitor for results and if it works, keep at it, if not, reassess.
Not sure where the problem is. NO ONE ever said one size fits all, anywhere in DBing.
Oh, the part where we work on ourselves that is unclear? That's not just to prepare us for things in the m not working out.
That's to make us better people, happier, and coincidentally more appealing as spouses.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Completely detaching is going to be hard. I don't want to come off like I'm neglecting my W again. But I do see where my wife is taking advantage of my kindness in some ways. Unless that's just way of her subconsciously testing my responses again.
Detaching is a huge piece of this to protect you from taking everything she does so personally (b/c even though it feels very personal, much of it is about her path, not yours). Detaching is not just an approach in DB land for the m, it's for YOU as well.
I mean, GAL is key to detaching b/c otherwise you'll just wallow or obsess with nothing on your mind but your m.
Detaching is to make you a stronger man on your own, not attached to the results but doing your best, and to keep your emotional self safer.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for, accept personal responsibility for their own actions and not to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
