Thanks Doodler. I am not so good at DB yet too but I ma trying. I have been GALing it up. I go out at least once a week for the past 3 weeks. Pretty much reconnecting with old friends and meeting some new ones. I have been consistent with my working out, going back to Church (it helps with my inner strength) and giving her the space she needs at the moment. Only time will tell if it is working. Although I do see changes in her from 6 weeks ago. Good luck to you in your DBing.
My W texted me twice again this morning. I have been polite and brief with responses. I am not initiating contact but am responding with briefly and sincerely when she initiates. I no this goes against going dark and NC but one of her complaints was that I was emotionally absent and unresponsive for the last 2 years. I figured if I try these methods full speed I will only continue this pattern of bad behavior. Does any of this make sense or am I continually making rookie mistakes?
Hello PEW1974,
You are so smart to recognize that the DB strategies are not a one size fits all situation. Doing more of what isn't working isn't in your best interest, right?
The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I'm glad you've been feeling better about the interactions with your W. You're obviously stuck in a tricky bind here: if you confront her about the A things are going to get worse between you -- that's guaranteed. I'm sure you're wrestling with not wanting to make things worse.
On the other hand, if you don't confront her about the A it could keep going on for years and you will not be getting what *you* need from this relationship. Most people are perfectly happy "cake eating" if they get the opportunity -- she gets what she needs from you and from her affair partner so it's the best of both worlds.
This is helping to buffer things between you right now because she's not fully committed and looking for you to be half the relationship for her, at best you're a third. Once that affair is exposed its going to get worse, but it may need to get worse before it gets better.
The ideal scenario is that the affair just goes away on its own because one or both of them decide the end it, but realistically that's unlikely to happen.
How are you currently feeling about confronting her?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I will be honest it kind of scares me. I don't want to push her further away but at the same time I want her to know that I don't accept it at all. Even though it has been eating at me on the inside for her to have these feelings toward another man I have been keeping a happy face on. Not sure how physical this has gotten but I can only assume that it has. I do know that he texts her all the time and she responds. I try not to snoop. I figure details are best left unknown. I have seen her comfort level with me grow since this whole ordeal came to a head almost 7 weeks ago. Every week we seem to be making progress slowly. I actually have been enjoying the discovery of my wife all over again since we had grown apart the last few years. I try to remain positive and enjoy her presence when it is offered. She has made several comments that show me she has noticed some of my improvements. I didn't address it with her but I am glad that she has taken the time to notice. I do not know what the future has in store but I will take it day by day for now. Thank you Accuray for your concern.
So yesterday was a very odd day. My W sent me a few gamer requests via text messaging yesterday so I played them with her while I had down time at work. Then she called me later in the day and we spoke for 25 minutes. It was the longest phone conversation we have had in awhile. Then I get home and she sends me another game request while I am changing for my workout. She then asks if I can help her do her arm workout which I do and then we do an ab workout together. She then keeps talking and showing me different moves to try. The next thing I know an hour and a half have gone by. So I proceed to go on the elliptical to do my workout and she finally goes upstairs. I haven't had that much interaction in one day with her for awhile. She is confusing the heck out of me.
At this point it might be to your advantage not to bring up the A until a later time. W might be more likely to ask to work things out seeing the change in you. Act like you just found out about the A at a different time, than when you initially did. Nothing wrong with having a strategy. I can't help but to wonder if I had stayed silent and just made changes. Would we be in a better place right now. Instead of my W thinking its manipulation on my part.
I see your point of view. I really don't know how to handle bringing the affair in the open. Right now I don't want her thinking there is no way of coming back but at the same time I want some light shed on this secret fantasy life of hers. In the meantime, I try to deal with all the sneaking around which is so obvious to me and not give it too much thought. She asks me from time to time why do I have this odd happy look on my face. I don't know if she thinks I don't care about the situation I am in or is starting to realize that I am learning to be my own happy man.
Thank you Cristy. I do want to speak with someone but due to my work hours I won't be able to until Friday. My company closes early on Fridays.
Hi PEW1974,
The more you plan ahead, the more likely you are to get a time/session that is convenient for you. Please call me at 303-444-7004 so that we can look at the schedule.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I think you are doing an incredibly good job. Your patience is amazing. I do think at some point, you will have to expose the A. I suppose there are some people that can just ignore it and pretend it never happened. But I would tend to think that it would eat away at you for the rest of your life if you don't confront the issue. Only you can decide when (and if) is the right time to confront. Your W is seeing the changes in you and that is a good thing. But I think what is going on is really more temp checking than truly appreciating your changes. She can't respect and appreciate the new you until the A has died. Keep doing the work you are doing. You are amazing and are to be commended for what you have accomplished. You are showing incredible strength in spite of incredible adversity. One day, your W will see that and appreciate that quality in you. She will see that you fought for your M when she wasn't willing to.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
