Lana, immediately after I saw this I wrote a long post which disappeared in the vapors. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts and you ultimately have to decide what is best for you and the girls. Also, I'm going to pose some questions to you. They are meant to be something for you to think about if you do talk to him.
I see conflict here. Are you really done? Do you really want a D? If not, I would not risk "stirring the pot." I always warn my clients about the danger of bluffing. Never threaten something you do not intend to follow through with. If you are ready for D then you won't worry about him taking offense to anything you ask.
Back to those questions, again for your thoughts.
1. You don't ask if there is or has been another woman. Does that matter to you? Would it make a difference in your plans. Do you think he would be truthful about it?
2. I would most want to know what his intentions are with respect to the girls. As I understand it, he pays nothing for them and hasn't seen them in a long while. Golf is an expensive hobby. It is hard to win tournaments if you aren't practicing. Why would that money not be better spent on the care of his children. What are his plans with respect to visitation? Has he considered the impact his absence without explanation is having on them?
3. Is there truly no benefit to you either way for a divorce. If he pays you nothing, he offers no help, he won't even respond to your request to call (which only under threat did he respond to with a TEXT), what is there to hold onto? Is it the belief that he may come back a reformed man? I think you have an idea where that is likely to turn out.
4. What would you gain in a divorce? Would it help you let go? Would it give you peace of mind? Are there religious or moral imperatives for you?
Have you done 25's mental exercise of imagining that he died a year ago and wondering where you would like to be now? If you are in the same place, there is probably no harm in hanging around. If not, then you need to consider the divorce, or at a minimum what you are doing for yourself right now.
I think every day now about what I can do to move this thing to fruition. I want to be done. I hate limbo. My L says do nothing (but keep in mind that mine is paying me substantially more than the amount we have tentatively agreed on). Have you talked to a lawyer? Have you considered what is best for you from an emotional and financial position.
Just some thoughts that occurred to me from your post. Know that I am pulling for you whatever you decide.
Lana, immediately after I saw this I wrote a long post which disappeared in the vapors. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts and you ultimately have to decide what is best for you and the girls. Also, I'm going to pose some questions to you. They are meant to be something for you to think about if you do talk to him. Hello Ownit thank you for your note. it was in the right place I think.
I see conflict here. Are you really done? Do you really want a D? If not, I would not risk "stirring the pot." I always warn my clients about the danger of bluffing. Never threaten something you do not intend to follow through with. If you are ready for D then you won't worry about him taking offense to anything you ask. honestly speaking I don't know. on one hand I want to move ahead with my life in another I am scarred of the future and of starting again. thinking what if he is saying the truth. what if he is really depressed. what if I cut the last hopes he have with his old life and kids. whenever we used to have arguments he said he already have nothing, no family, no wife, no money, so compared to me I am in a better place than him. or at least that is how he sees it. Back to those questions, again for your thoughts.
1. You don't ask if there is or has been another woman. Does that matter to you? Would it make a difference in your plans. Do you think he would be truthful about it? yes now it does. if there is someone I don't want to continue standing up for my marriage no more. If I knew there is someone I will force divorce now. I am only standing up now in case he is depressed or need a friend otherwise I am done. he claims he is only concentrating on work. when I saw him last year I did not see any signs of anyone. and he never introduced anyone new to his family. would he be truthful , I don't know but if in love he would like to get rid of me and the kids some how I guess
2. I would most want to know what his intentions are with respect to the girls. As I understand it, he pays nothing for them and hasn't seen them in a long while. Golf is an expensive hobby. It is hard to win tournaments if you aren't practicing. Why would that money not be better spent on the care of his children. What are his plans with respect to visitation? Has he considered the impact his absence without explanation is having on them? At the moment I don't know he talks to them a bit then ignores them and wait until they contact him. in the past I know he always was generous with them and if he had the money would spend on them. He was never a stingy person. he is not also sending money to his mom for last 3 years too something he used to do when we were married as she need extra support. as for Golf he could be invited by his company or some business partners and tournament can be just a local one. he has around 1Million dollar in debt to the bank I suppose. when he becomes rich I know he will throw money on his kids cause the thinks money will solve everything and me and his mom only needs money from him. and no one cares about him. 3. Is there truly no benefit to you either way for a divorce. If he pays you nothing, he offers no help, he won't even respond to your request to call (which only under threat did he respond to with a TEXT), what is there to hold onto? Is it the belief that he may come back a reformed man? I think you have an idea where that is likely to turn out. yes it is the belief he may come back. it is the scare if he is in a very bad place, it is the disappointment in the kids eyes. it is a dream of maybe.
4. What would you gain in a divorce? Would it help you let go? Would it give you peace of mind? Are there religious or moral imperatives for you? financially nothing at the moment. I feel the main issue I currently have is not able to explain my status to anyone. so am I married, am I divorced, am I separated. when is your husband coming, when will the kids see him. All of these make me feel bad. I wish we can talk and figure things out. I just want a closure either he wants a family or not. nothing more. if not I want to get out of his way and go through mine. It is like leaving no stone unturned.
Have you done 25's mental exercise of imagining that he died a year ago and wondering where you would like to be now? If you are in the same place, there is probably no harm in hanging around. If not, then you need to consider the divorce, or at a minimum what you are doing for yourself right now. I have not done the exercise but work looking into it. I am doing what I want now. maybe not focusing much on my career but on having some money from jobs enough for me and the kids to have our needs and wants while ensuring I am able to give them the stability and support they deserve. seeking a full time career at the moment might compromise the quality time I have with them and i really enjoy what i have. on the other hand i am happy i am able to support my mom at the moment and my kids living with her and learning great habits from her. My mom although sad for my status says that maybe God brought me back for her only
I think every day now about what I can do to move this thing to fruition. I want to be done. I hate limbo. My L says do nothing (but keep in mind that mine is paying me substantially more than the amount we have tentatively agreed on). Have you talked to a lawyer? Have you considered what is best for you from an emotional and financial position. what can you get from someone who does not have anything? maybe later if he become rich then I know he will be sending money. but not now. we live in two separate countries and we are from different nationalities/cultures. I am not going to fight for money . It will be too costly. if he want to pay he is welcomed otherwise cant run after him as I know it is fruitless and will cause more damage for the relationship with the kids.
Just some thoughts that occurred to me from your post. Know that I am pulling for you whatever you decide. Thank you it was great thinking about your questions
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Thanks ownit and Equisite for your concerns. here is an update. I wrote the email and was planning to send it. I am a bit spiritual and in my faith we have a prayer asking for guidance. SO I prayed at night and requested guidance of whether to send the email requesting divorce or not. Next day I woke up with cramps, headache and gloomy. maybe it was my subconscious, maybe God wanted me to back off. No idea but I knew I should not send it. Then I got Ownit email and decided I will have to respond to all her questions before sending it which took a while. I have been busy, meeting new people, hiking, and seeing my friends. I had a great conversation with one of my friends going through depression and mlc and I find it enlightening to hear how she feels. and how everything gets to her nerves and not being able to deal with daily activities. she told me how depression is paralyzing her sometimes and numbing her feelings. What if my letter makes him loose any hope of a normal life again. Would he fight for our marriage or just accept the fact. I wish I could know where in the process he is, IS he still in replay . Does he really want his life back or not. I wish I can shake him to speak anything. So basically did not send him anything. He did not send the kids authorization letter until I reminded again and he sent an unconditional / open one. But I requested a specific dated letter. he stopped communicating with the kids, they sometimes send him a msg but feel he is too busy at work and don't want to bother him so they bother me. I don't mind it and I spend hours with them.I love these kids so much I know I am so lucky to have them in my life. They will be flying in next week and I have a great program for them to enjoy. I am been doing lots of hikes, beach and I know they will enjoy the summer. As for him, I need to leave it to GOD to decide what he ants to do with him. I need to work on being proud of where I am and just be able to say I am separated.
Every month I seem to have a time where I get emotional and want to end things then I stop. the problem is I need closure and will not get it without us talking.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
I'm so glad to hear from you and that you followed your heart on this. It could be that talking to the kids more reminded him of what he has lost and missed. I'm sure you will hear from him again when he is ready.
The best advice that I have seen on the boards, bar none, is when in doubt do nothing. When I have violated this, I have been sorry. When I have not, things have been good.
I guess you and I will sit in Limboland, proud to be great moms to our wonderful kids, and having no shame in telling someone that we are separated. This was their choice, not ours. All we can do is hold our heads up high and love our kids.
I used to post here as Julie in 2015 and now in surviving divorce. I have only skimmed through your last thread but read this one And you are describing my ex.... (both a bit different from some of the walkaways here)
Both shared financial mismanagement and lack of financial transparency.
Both are able to stay cool, calm disconnected yet remain polite and in charge of their emotions. Both push buttons, but genuinely want their space. My ex loved My very limited contact.
Both have no real attachment to kids, and neither you and I get it.
Both have pain. Back issues.
In my own situation, I recently discovered a really really strong case for an expensive addiction to pain pills.
My ex is high functioning and comes across as clean cut, professional. You would never know.
Is you're ex an addict? Mine was leading a completely double life. I am only learning this though financial discovery and things that made no sense are making lots of sense.
Any weird habits? Stomach issues? Unexplained needs to run errands?
I too though affair (could have been 1 as well) aspergerss, OCD, intentional depletion of marital assets, mlc, distance/ pursuer issues, only to recently find out a secret alcohol and pain pill addiction.
If that is the case (and I could be wrong) marital counselors won't even see us because it's kind of a different ball park.
If I am wrong, I greatly apologize because I know the anxiety that a subject like this can invoke. But I was very naive to the signs and didn't even know to look for something like this 6 months ago. I would have liked someone to point it out, and in my case a friend who went through something similar did and I started detective work.
If it is the case, you can't approach him and expect him to admit it. Different type of help might be necessary. And getting Intel (without him knowing) might be crucual
Also, pain killers are very serious addictions. They are in the opiate class...juat another derivative of heroin and really easy to become addicted to. Very expensive. They change ones brain chemistry and are insanely hard to withdraw from. Nothing to take lightly
hi JujuB Thanks for joining in. Actually this is a strong possibility. he is high functioning at work and restless. Addiction to painkillers and maybe alcohol is a possibility although when I saw him I only saw around 2 cups of alcohol a day but painkillers he used to take a lot ( around 6 or more per day)due to his back and by end of day he is un able to move. My friend says these numb feelings and makes him forgetful and cold. I don't think he takes any anti depressant as I don't think he think he has a problem other than his back. The question would be we are in two different countries so I cant help in that. how do they wake up if ever?
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Please, old timers, share your opinion on this....
In my story, ex-h was distancing himself from us but at one point, he was widhing WE WOULD MAKE THE MOVE TO GET CLOSER TO HIM!!! He tried to convince us to move in his city.... what if he was testing a possibility of an open door???? What if they want us to want them??
What if, divorce or not, they want to see if we have givingning them before they make a new commitment to us?? This is in tegards of depression and rising above...
