Hi Lana, glad to see you back. I'm glad he's communicating with them. Too bad he can't quite manage to get there on his own. You have to do what works for you and what you feel right about. You and your kids are the ones who have to live with the consequences of your decisions. I hope you guys are doing well.
Journaling ... I think once I realized there is no relation no more. No h will come asking to be forgiven or none of these mature reconciliation or adult talk that we see in the movie. What is done is done and lots of men just forget about their kids and move on with new families. That is real life and most of divorces alienate one parent except the ones were both parents can talk and build a civilized relation not in my case.
The only way to build a relation is either he put the children first no matter what he hears from me or how I treat him. Knowing whatever he does he will disappoint me. Or I put the kids first and stop being affected by his actions and expect nothing... hence what ever he gives is fine just like a neighbour we would never ask them why didnot you call last night.
I continued my emails talking only about the kids. Their daily schedule. Any funny stuff. I donot mention my schedule not my feeling...nothing about me or my family. I think he is listening as he had been sending them daily msg and dropping some hints about his day at work. A lot still of unanswered question which we never ask him about. What is he doing there ? Why has he been so long out of his home? Did he move? Let him talk about it later when he feels good about that.
I am ok with the progress now ... leave it to him to try and maintain his relation with the kids . He was always a very private person who never shared anything with a friend . His relation with his brother and sisters and Mom is also nonexistent . I really hope he will get hold of his life once again I was lucky to have a family and lots of friends to support me and my kids.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Journaling ... I am still sending my short emails giving info about the kids day although I skip some days when I have nothing to say. Today I sent him a family email not friendly one requesting he takes the kids for the winter vacation in January . I don’t know his status yet but will see if he will respond or ignore it. I really wonder what is happening in his life. He tells the kids he loves them let’s see if he wants them. He still sends the kids msg daily even goodnight sometimes. I just hope he opens up and start talking.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello ... so I got a response after two weeks of emailing ... don’t worry not expecting much but hoping for progress on kids front. So here is the response
“⁩ hey friend.... got your email, I am sorting my living arrangement and will let you know very soon within the week for the girls. Would love to see them. Thank you for the emails. keep them coming, someone read them more than once”
I know this does not solve issues but I just want my kids to have a part time father if they can’t have full time. I do think he loves them but does not know how to do that.. I am not going to fix him that is his job I just will say what I think in a positive note and it is up to people to accept it or refuse it.
So he did msg with the kids for a while and shared some info but still a lot of things are vague.
On other note, I am really trying to get a job now I am applying everywhere got one interesting one. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Last edited by job; 12/01/1710:06 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
It breaks my heart to see your husband referring to you as "hey friend".
I know you want them to have a dad, but you can't want things for people that they don't want or can't deliver for themselves. Job always says when they want to get in touch with you, nothing will stop them. I believe that.
I hope the job you want comes through for you and that you guys have a beautiful holiday.
Hello own You might be right but I feel I need to try. It would be great if he wake up one day and decided he will do anything for his kids but the reality and what I see from stories on the board this does not happen often. It is easier for them to let go and start again... a new family and a new life.
What I think I am doing I am making it more difficult for him to forget the kids which you can see from my stitch he tend to do for months. He says he loves them but does not call them st all. Last call was in May when I travelled . Last time he saw him was a 15 months ago.
I don’t know if he still has his job or not ... just feel like he is lost. But he is communicating with the kids daily now since I started emails so for both of them that is good. He is reading my emails and that is also good. As to the hey friend , not being a martyr, but least of my worries at the moment things have been broken between us long time ago. Note that my emails are sent as hi friend . And signed by friend.
I might bewrong and should have left him to face all his Demons on his own. I am just giving him a small rope to the kids... he will still need to do the job and pull himself up if he wants to take it.
You might think he doesn’t deserve that, we might be so angry with them, we might wish they try harder and more sincere but the reality is they will never do it our way or what we dream of . I find it better to drop all expectation and live everyday on its own and make sure I try to make it a good day for me and everyone arround me.
Thanks a lot for challenging me it is good to stop and regroup . I know you are concerned I might be disappointed possibly... I always appreciate a feedback and sometimes you can see it better than I do being involved. Will keep you posted
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
There is no right or wrong way to deal w/someone who is in crisis. What you have done in the way of messages as a friend, is working for you.
If we all go back and think of long ago, we started out as friends w/our spouses/companions and that's where the new relationship needs to start...as acquaintances and then on to being friends.
By being a friend, you've taken the pressure off of him to get him to return home and "shape up and be the man you were". You've allowed him the time and space to think and stay in touch w/his children. He can now do this w/o thinking that you are judging him in all areas. He feels "safe".
I think you've been doing a good job of keeping it together and also keeping your expectations at a low level. Continue to do what works in your situation and when something doesn't work, toss it aside and try something else. After all, there is no rule book on how to deal w/crisis people and each person needs to right their own manual for their own situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job for your feedback, it really means a lot to me to hear it. Trying to take the high road , if it works that is great if not I guess I will feel bad about myself.
Being a friend is not easy I sometimes write an email to h then delete it thinking if he was s friend would I say that or not. The problem is How to really release expectation. Expectation to reply, expectation to be nice, expectation to ask about the kids . I know a lot of legitimate expectations but he is not there.i can see he just can’t . Still rebelling against control ...away I still send info every 2-3 days for info only. Let him decide what suits him.
Devvo ... thanks for visiting my stitch... I appreciate your feedback .., I know been very lucky with Jobs feedback and encouragement.
Last edited by job; 12/05/1711:23 PM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Lana...I get it. You are attempting to be the lighthouse.
Sometimes that's the best thing we can do to keep the family somewhat functioning as a unit, to provide peace of mind and a sense of security for our children, and to create the sense of family. Sometimes, as in my case (and it seems, in yours) the MLCer slowly starts to realize that their family is still there as a unit and that they are a) the odd man out b) welcome to join in at any time c) there is no pressure or expectation that they join in. This is hard and takes a lot of patience.
Our feelings about the matter are ours; our reactions and actions are as well. Emphasizing family and personal strength in a cr*ppy situation will make the situation better in the long run for the kids, but also for all of you. And those kids are looking to you to learn how to deal with adversity for that inevitable time (or times) that they will deal with it in their adult lives. Should they lash out? Divide people? Collapse in on themselves? Or carry on, move on, and continue living and growing? You are their model. What you are doing is showing them grace, strength, and the importance of family. Without angrily excluding someone due to personal pain. Hey, unconditional love is without conditions. We love our kids even when we dislike their behaviors; why is it different with a MLCer...the person we vowed to love unconditionally?
You are a lighthouse. Your entire family will see and know this. You will most likely know when your light no longer reaches him...and even then he may drift back around.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
