WAS vs MLC...not sure it really matters, part 2

[SBJ]

skm...congrats on the sale of the house. I'm glad and also sorry to hear that there was so much emotional confusion during your last few times with your H. I hope and pray that he finally figures things out, but as we know, it is up to him. You sound like you are doing well.

God Bless...

[job]

Congratulations on the house sale. Now, you can begin to move forward and call your new space your own w/o being remind of your h.

[Coly23]

Hey SKM, his are you today?

Thanks for clarifying about the house sale. Have you seen anything you would like to buy as yet?

Strange that your H told you he had a dental appointment. Maybe he was looking for sympathy!

Thank you for being so supportive on my thread SKM. I don't know about you but sometimes I feel I am just muddling through with no real plan!

[OwnIt]

SKM and Coly, I'm sure this isn't lost on you guys, but your Hs seem very similar to me. Both seem kind and benign in their drifting.

[skm0619]

Thanks everyone for the congrats on selling my house Now I just need to find a new place to live. June 16th is the closing, so that will be here soon enough

SBJ.....it definitely has been emotionally draining on me the last few interactions I have had with H. Just when I think he might be poking his head out of the tunnel....he goes right back in. I hope you are right that one day he figures it out, but I often wonder if I will be around if and when that happens. I just have to continue to work on me.

Job.....I am sad to be leaving my house, but I also think it is a good thing. We (I) have been in this house for 10 years, and I sometimes sit here and think about everything that happened in our marriage while living here and it makes me sad.

Coly.....I have been looking for places to rent for right now. I am moving downtown, which is very different from where I live now. So I want to make sure I like the area before I buy again.

I am still trying to figure out why H mentioned he was going to the dentist today. Maybe he was looking for sympathy? I did not respond to his text, and have not initiated any contact. I really feel like I need to distance myself for right now. But when I do that he then doesn't initiate communication either, and then when I ask how come he hasn't he tries to put it off on me by saying things like "well I haven't heard from you so I thought you didn't want to talk to me" or "I thought I would just wait until you reached out to me." Very frustrating. I sometimes feel like a teenager when I am dealing with him

Ownit....Yes Coly and I have similar sounding issues when it comes to our H. My H is a very kind and sweet man when you dig down deep, but he also is a scared little boy, who lacks courage and doesn't trust himself and questions every decision he makes, so then he ends up doing nothing and just drifts along like you said.....so frustrating.

Like I keep saying.....one day at a time.

Hope everyone is well.

[SBJ]

skm...Caliguy replied to my thread and it was pretty good response to something I was struggling with:

"That little sailboat without a sail is going to drift aimlessly for some time, sooner or later it will hit shore again. The real question is will you be a tired old man who has been wasting away waiting for his ship to return ... or will you have become a stronger man who simply can appreciate the arrival of the ship that came back?" -Caliguy

I, like you, want to continue to grow and prosper for me and my kids. If at some point, they "get it"...then we will have to cross that bridge at that point. Your H seems to be bouncing off of the rocks a bit. My W is still totally convinced that she is making the best decision for "us" and that one day, I will see this was the right thing to do. Haha!

You have been doing this for longer than I have and I have so much respect for you having stayed so strong.


“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.-Matthew 6:34 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

[skyhigh]

Hi SKM,

Glad to read that you are moving on with your life and that you have reached another degree of detachment, selling your house is such a statement/proof of it. It symbolizes your desire to turn the page and show that you are ready for a NEW life with or without him. He might realize that you are really DONE with all that drama and now the ball is in his camp, so it's up to him if he doesn't want to lose you forever.

You are really doing an excellent job at being detachment, don't give up even if he shows signs of improvement, stay detached, they hate losing the control of the situation/power so sometimes they are really nice just to try to bring us back under their control and test how much we are still attached to them, it reassures them about their ego, be aware of it.

You are now aware of your own worth and are not afraid to take actions. What I mean is that you won't settle for an unbalanced relationship, and if you decide to give him a chance (up to you), it has to be something fair and sustainable.

You made tremendous progress since last December, you regained your strength and your self worth. It doesn't mean that you don't love him anymore but deep down you know that enough is enough, your life is waiting for you.

Big hugs,

[skm0619]

SBJ....I really like what Caliguy said to you about the sail boat. It is so true....they really are aimlessly drifting along, hoping that somehow they will get to where they need to be, but unsure if they are willing to do what is required of them to get there, and when they finally do, will we the LBS still be around for them.

Skyhigh.....my old friend, so nice to hear from you. Your words are always so encouraging. I do feel like I have made quite a bit of progress since December. Never did I ever think I would be in this place of wanting to move on with my life. And, being okay without H being in it.

So tomorrow, the 19th, is my anniversary. I don't really have too many feelings about the day. It almost seems as if it isn't my wedding anniversary any longer, because I don't really feel married any more. It will be 11 years that we have been "married" ...... if you can call it that.

I have to say that H continues to surprise me. The other day he had texted me, to tell me he was going to the dentist. I made the decision not to respond, usually I would. Yesterday I was off and looking for a place to live, enjoying a quiet day, when H called. I thought for a second that I wouldn't answer the phone, but I did because he made the effort.

He asked what I was doing, which wasn't much. He asked me if I was at work, which I wasn't. He then asked if I was hungry, and if I had eaten. He then proceeded to ask me if I would like to go out to dinner with him. He said he would like for us to get dressed up (which for us is not wearing shorts and a tshirt) and go have a nice dinner. I was very shocked!!!

I told him that it would be nice to have dinner with him. He said he would like to go somewhere we could enjoy the nice day. I told him he could pick where. He then said, "I wasn't ready to decide that, and honestly I actually am having to get over the fact that you actually picked up the phone, and agreed to go have dinner with me." He also said "I stared at the phone for 15 minutes before I actually made the call to you, because I was wasn't sure if I had the courage to call you, and I was worried you might say no."

He came and picked me up, he was late...which is nothing new for him....but he apologized. We were eating dinner, really having good conversation and enjoying ourselves. At one point in the conversation he said he knew that last year our anniversary was pretty difficult for me, because he did not reach out to me at all, and he wanted to make sure that this year was not the same. He also said that since I was working the next two days, and he would be out of town this weekend doing some obstacle course races, he wanted to make sure that we spent time together because we would not see each other for a few days.

WHO IS THIS MAN????

I'm thinking he feels me pulling away, doing my own thing, selling the house, not answering his texts, moving on with my life and he is getting worried

So I guess what I am doing is working. But honestly I don't really feel like I am really doing anything, except living my life for me now. He knows I am out doing things without him....albeit not that many things....but I am not sitting home being sad and crying any more.

So, life for me continues on. I am still looking for a place to live, and starting to get things together for when I start packing up this house.

He knows I love him and how I feel about him, but I also think he knows that those feelings and emotions don't rule my every thought or decision anymore like they used to.

One day at a time.........

[SBJ]

Maybe, just maybe, that is what everyone has been trying to tell us on this board thru all of their life stories. When we get a life and start doing things for ourselves, maybe our spouse will see that and begin the journey back home...I guess it's no guarantee, but either way it is good for us.

Good luck finding a place that you can make a home.

[OwnIt]

So happy for you!!